Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

I have been terrified of getting old since I was a teenager. I don't want to be weak or incapacitated. I'm mid 40s and not touched by perimenopause yet. I'm dreading losing my strength and vitality.

I've also seen dementia ravage at least 4 family members, so it's a pretty fair assumption that that's my future.

I de clutter regularly.

I also want euthanasia to made available to all who want it. Yes, yes, I know the arguments, but I spend a bit too much time worrying about having to live an old age I don't want. If I knew I could easily end it all the minute it gets shit, I think I could then get on with living obviously for now.

My Dad was diagnosed with Dementia 10 years ago at 72. He went into a nursing home last year.

He had everything very well organised as he had sold his original home and was living in a retirement village.
He also had ample funds.

POA and Will all organised.
Yet its been absolutely awful.

Of I'm diagnosed with Dementia I will take matters into my own hands, its a hideous and cruel disease.

My late Mum didn’t want to be a burden. She told me many times yet she had no plan whatsoever for her old age. She told a friend she hoped to die in her sleep.

Unfortunately we cannot choose. It’s all very well saying put me in a care home but when the time comes an elder parent will often backtrack on this

I know that if I want any support/help from my children I will need to move closer to them as they are currently about 4 hours drive away.
BUT we cant move because husband (not the father of my children) has to look after his mum. She could live another 10 years and I cant see us feeling able to move in our 70s.

One of the best things to do IMO is to say to your child whilst you are in full possession of your faculties that you didn’t have them to waste their best years caring for you and to stick you in a home when infirm!

Make sure you have a will and power of attorney. Next thing on my list are these advanced medical directive things. I don’t want anything other than maximum pain relief if I’m bedbound or demented. A DNR. Also no
immunisations or other medical interventions that are not to promote quality of
life. But I’m pretty scared of growing old and ill in the U.K. It’s pretty likely that you will die in pain and neglected if in an NHS hospital. I’m tempted by relocating or Switzerland if I can!!

I don't have children and neither does my sibling so I know where you're coming from

I've found some useful information on this site www.awoc.org.uk which is for people getting old without children. They also have a fb group & local groups where you can meet people in a similar situation 💐

DH and I are healthy late 60s and I really want to downsize to a future proof home sooner rather than later. An apartment or bungalow. He's less keen.
But I don't want to be moving house when I'm 79.
We don't have children so we know we'll have to buy in support.
All wills and LPA sorted.

It’s made me not to want to get that old, honestly. I see it day to day at work and have arranged care in the past though not currently as they have past away. I’m sure I will change my mind but I’m hoping there’s a pill option I can take if my health seriously declines to daily care stage

My DM was partially sighted and blind later in life. Parents had a stairlift installed when mum became blind. The house was a 3 bed semi they had owned since our childhoods. Mum lived there until she lost her mobility after a serious infection and spent a short time in a nursing home before passing away at 90. Dad stayed living in his house until he passed away at 94. They were very tidy and very organised. They had a gardener, a panic button, mobility help from charities, attendance allowance etc.

On the whole they played old age and disability very well. One thing we have they didn't is a downstairs loo and shower rm. Their good example of being tidy and organised is something I'm not quite fully there with but I'm getting there. So all things considered I think staying where you feel at home for as long as poss is not a bad plan. Having good savings and modifying well in advance is another takeaway.

MIL was a widow from her early 60s. Not good with finances or savings but she had a great pension. Lived well in a good house with a cleaner/helper and a gardener coming in when she was in her 80s. Her health declined a little and the son that lived 20 mins away felt that was too far. She had a good set up with sleeping arrangements and facilities all on one floor. The siblings decided the answer was for her to move 60 miles away near her daughter to a warden controlled flat. It seemed to bring the decline on swiftly. Friends were too far away and DH and I felt the decision wasn't ultimately right for her and she might have been better with carers coming in at her old house.

After the trauma of trying to support DM, who lives alone in Spain, through cancer treatment, one thing I will definitely not do is become permanently resident in a country that me and DC are not all citizens of. Especially not to somewhere like Spain where all elder care is expected to be carried out by family. I am DM’s only remaining family (except for her blind DB in the UK) and cannot be her carer as I’m simply not allowed to be in the country for sufficient time. Parents never asked my opinion on the move 20 years ago and gave zero thought to their later care needs. Had to facilitate bringing DF back to the UK to enter a nursing home with advanced Parkinson’s pre Brexit and that was bad enough. Now DM’s illness, along with the additional complications of Brexit restrictions, is going to finally break me.

I think it's a privilege if you think you can afford to not face up to the inevitable. These people presumably have family who they assume will sort everything out for them. Those of us who will have nobody have no choice but to face up our old age and eventual death, no matter how hard and upsetting that is.

I think it's really down to the personality of the individual.

I know lots of people who've stuck their head in the sand and literally done no future planning at all, even when they've retired and/or got a serious health condition, not even making a will, let alone a POA and certainly no decluttering etc.

Probably know a similar amount of people who have "over-planned", i.e. wills and POA from a very early stage which have needed amendments and changes over the years as circumstances change, next of kin die, children are born, etc. Plus downsizing very early and ending up living in a home too small for how they'd like to live, for literally decades!

I do think a lot of it is down to experiences themselves with their elderly parents/relatives - those who have really suffered from having elderly relatives in denial seem to tend to go too far the other way to plan for their own demise!

I agree. A list of bank accounts and other investments etc is essential, but not online access passwords. If someone uses a deceased person's password to access their account and make a transaction after they've died, they could be in serious trouble. The bank WILL know the date of death from the death certificate they'll need to deal with probate and release funds etc.

I think it’s difficult for people to accept they will get old, incapable and eventually pass away. Even my parents, who just went through all this with their parents, are already fighting necessary measures to make their lives and aging easier (ie necessary downsizing)

Ollie - I agree. You literally need to lay the law down and I was quite willing to walk away without spending months going round and round in circles talking shite

I was a carer for my mother in the last years of her life. She had made zero provision for her eventual decline and demise. She didn't even have a will in place. I got this sorted very quickly because there are some difficult characters in our family. I didn't care about the contents of the will, so long as everything was clear. I had to take on everything in her life very quickly and it was a steep learning curve. I didn't even know about her medical conditions because she was so private.

As a consequence of this, I have quite a lot of basic things in place, such as a will, a LPO and an old-friendly house. It's frustrating and scary for the family to leave your family in the dark, as you get older.

I was also very very firm with both parents who had divorced years ago so had seperate houses that if they didn’t declutter I wouldn’t help.

No giving out my number to all and sundry. I was the only sibling in the UK so there was no one else. I sound like a right cow but it put the fear of god into my Mum in particular and she knew I was talking with the best intentions. I took over all their finances. Dad in particular didn’t even own a mobile so in the end let me do it all. He and Mum weren’t capable and both houses were sold and they went into care homes. A lot of Dads house sale went to pay for his care home costs (circa £500k). He was ready to go years before and suffered a lot in the last few years but we seem to pride ourselves on keeping very elderly people on his planet without looking at quality of life.

Don’t talk about sifting through. Just dispose of FIL boxes.

Sorry to sound harsh but if you haven’t tackled them in a few years they are just going to sit there. I managed my late parents ‘hoarders’ house by getting a specialist clearance company in. I made a few trips to tip but it was honestly overwhelming.I had a quick glance through his many many boxes of rubbish (with gloves on - mice has clearly been in some of them.) He had an ‘important’ box which had his will, funeral wishes etc. I reckoned that with re directed post if it was that important someone would find me.

@BridgetJonesV2 you might as well just chuck all the stuff out which is in the garage. I mean without bothering to sift through it.

It's been some years, and whatever is there can't be important because you haven't looked through it yet.

Take it all to the dump. Save yourself a job.

I refuse to put our dc through this is* *easy to say. My mother would have said that but when she gradually declined it was a very different story.

My mum was 79 when she died and from diagnosis dying was 3 months.
MIL is now 90 and largely housebound , incontinent , unable to do housework , shower herself , shop , prepare meals etc

Her existence is very narrow , she doesn't see many people , sits in a chair all day , can't see well enough to read or do jigsaws to occupy herself and is bored , bored , bored .
It's no life and if it were me , I wouldn't want to be waking up each morning .

I think once you stop being independent and having a love of life ( in my view )
it's no bad thing to have something ( an infection / illness ) that carries you off .

I’m decluttering, I’ve already done a significant amount. I’d hate to leave behind the mess my MIL left. DH pleaded with her many times to go through some stuff with her but she steadfastly refused.

I’ve done my will and power of attorney. My DC know where to find all my important documents.

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime , @DeeplyMovingExperience , surely you shouldn't be sharing bank passwords? If you die, the bank accounts get locked and other people can't use them. If you are incapacitated and have PoA, that needs to be applied before your attorney can access the accounts. If you don't have PoA, you should still go through the bank.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/681e022453add7d476d8185c/manage-a-bank-account-for-someone-else-large-print.pdf

@Strawberriesandpears if you are not even 40 yet why have you assumed you won't ever find a partner, if you are worried about being on your own

Yes, in a nutshell.

Brutal advanced refusal of treatment in my GP notes - if I lose mental capacity to decide where to live I am for palliative treatment only. LPoA (currently going through registration). List of key passwords and bank account details in my address book. Regularly pruned ‘file of affairs’. Had a massive clear out 3 years ago. I probably won’t downsize early as there is an argument for keeping some space (downstairs living, wheelchair manoeuvring etc) but our house isn’t that huge and is on an easy bus route, close to a shop.