Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

@Utopiaqueen Apologies, I forgot to tag you in the above.

May I ask please, as a social worker, do you think there is any hope of a decent old age for someone who has no children and no other family either? That is what I will be facing.

Like you point out, many people seem to just assume they'll move to a nice care home whenever they fancy it, but I know that the criteria for entry is strict.

My current plan is to move to a retirement village local to me. It offers independent living, just with services you can buy in on site (e.g meal deliveries). Within the village (and on the same site) they also have supported apartments (which offer some care) followed by full on residential and nursing care, if needed. Apparently they assess your needs regularly and you transition through the different levels of care as and when needed.

For the independent living you can enter from 55+ and the only criteria seems to be that you are healthy enough and have sufficient money to pay the fees (which are quite considerable).

My children are very young and I'm still in my 30s so it's a while away yet but I work in social work in elderly care so it's no longer something I fear and I'll do what I can to make things as easier for my loved ones but I'm also pragmatic and know there are a lot of things that will be out my control.

I'll have wills and power of attorney sorted out. I have an aversion to clutter as it is but when I am older we may downside (our house is small as it is). I'll have open and honest conversations with my children and should there be a need for me to have carers or for me to go in a care home, I want them to know I am happy for these things to happen and I want to ensure things are as stress free as possible for them. I'll ensure money is out aside to pay for things like a cleaner, gardening, shopping etc.

But I know what the current reality is of elderly social care. I see many people say they want their children or family to just dump them in a care home and just forget about them. I don't want my children to just forget about me the minute I need support but I've also seen how broken and pushed to the limit supporting elderly parents and I want to do everything in my power to make it as easy for them. I know care homes have strict criteria and that I can't just be shipped of there the minute I'm in need of the slightest support.

Because of course I didn't have children to care for me before I'm accused of this but its inevitable they will be somewhat involved such as making decisions around my care. Of course I don't want them to be my actual carers, or give up their jobs or move in and they may not even live near me! But hopefully if I have let them know my wishes and have things in place, they can make decisions guilt free.

After spending months sorting out dhs uncles house I'm on a de cluttering mission..
Its been so stressful and physically hard.
We are going there again this weekend to try and get the last things packed away. Its been 8 months of this.
He fancied himself an antiques collector - I've seem the original receipts and hes lost money on everything.
The auction house won't touch most of it as its mahogany furniture and horrible clocks...there's just no market for any of it
More baffling is his huge collection of dinner services - wedegewood, spode etc - he didnt cook and never hosted.
He also never cleaned so everything has a sheen of grease and dirt on it.
It's hard, dirty work and we feel very annoyed that we have to deal with it.
I don't want to leave this mess for my kids 😕
Its also just really sad...a lot of his stuff has just been binned...no one wanted it.
Upholstery didn't have fire certs, loads of nasty, chipped glass picked up at car boots (he went through a real phase of doing that..)
As a family we've tried to keep a few pieces as a remembrance but tbh its left us all very fed up.
We all work, have families and responsibilities.
He point blank refused all offers of help, would not have a cleaner, and after a horrible accident at the house (he tripped on a rug we begged had him to get rid of) he spent his last 2 years in a home.
Its pretty depressing.
Dh and I have wills and poas sorted.
I've already started sorting and getting rid of stuff.
Dh not as on side as I'd like, but I'll make sure we sort the loft next!
I'm very grateful to my mum that she moved to a ground floor flat and was never a hoarder.

We did this for my dad, the care home looked after him right up to the end after he had a succession of infections and had become bed ridden. We said no hospital, the gp checked him several times and he already had a DNR in place as well.

The care home looked after him brilliantly, he was comfortable, pain free and passed away peacefully during the early hours of the morning.

Not necessarily, my DM has a ceiling of care in place and will never be admitted to hospital or treated for any conditions. She will be kept comfortable and pain free and die in her nursing home.

We worry a lot about what happens to us, I know a lot of single people like me, divorce, death of a partner or just have always been single and at this stage in life, all of us worry about the future, getting ill, ending up in hospital, having to go into care etc. The thought of dementia absolutely terrifies us all sadly.

Finding someone to advocate for us if the worse happens is an ongoing worry when you are trying to plan for all eventualities.

I managed after a number of chats with my wealthy parents to get them to agree to have POA made.
They live in a bungalow already so that's one less thing.
My mum had recently been diagnosed with parkinsons. They have now accepted a cleaner and gardener.
My husband and I are in the middle of our long planned move to Spain.
It's a balancing act of staying here and flying back frequently.

How can you be so sure? What about if you can't cope on your own at home, do you have a throng of dutiful offspring who will feel obliged to support you (at the detriment to their own lives)?

Incredibly selfish

I've only got one set of things in my kitchen (my mum had drawers and drawers of pots, pans, crockery, utensils, cake tins that haven't been used for 30 years, gadgets still in boxes). RECIPE BOOKS OMG. It's liberating.
Completely agree!! I have pared my cooking equipment down to what I actually need -really don’t need fancy crockery etc or more than two pans.

Interesting reading. My dm lives in ahuge house with her 97 year old dh. There are rooms and rooms of junk. I've already said it's not my problem.
She needsto downsize to a flat, but won't.

I actually think the stress of worrying about old age will see me off before I am even 50 anyway, so that will be my problem solved!

God only knows. As an only child with no children or my own, and a partner who is also an only child, I worry about this every minute of the day. 😔

There is a large and growing body of work on solo aging though, so I take comfort in the fact that there are others in the same boat.

However, I will not be going in a care home, that is for sure

I wish I would say we have done this. My parents are abroad and my brother has the duty, my in laws who both have cancers and are managing for now in their 80s, have not given us any info

What happens to elderly people with no children or family ? Genuine question.

I could t agree more, but the NHS steps in 🤯

Wouldn’t it be healthier for you appoint a professional attorney such as a solicitor than worry about it so much?

Solicitors, but choose carefully and write detailed letter of wishes.

It is a difficult situation. I fear I will just worry more and more about it as I grow older. I am not even 40 yet and I worry about it every minute of the day (no exaggeration!). Maybe in my case it isn't actually possible to worry about it more than I already do! 😔

I completely agree op.

My mum refused all sorts of supportive measures including POA, and writing a will. Unfortunately she died unexpectedly and dealing with her estate was dreadful. Additionally dealing with her house and contents was an extra trauma that I'm still managing 4 years later.

I've already told my DC they must tell me when they think it's time for me to hang up my car keys. I've started rethinking my 'stuff' and am slowly but surely decluttering. (Once I've finally dealt with the last of my mum's things I can get a real handle on my own).

My finances are straightforward and I've put EVERYTHING into two folders with a summary page. I've closed accounts and rearranged direct debits etc.

I've made a will and a copy is in the front of one of these folders. POA is next.

I'm emptying the loft. I've sorted the Christmas boxes and I'm passing on camping equipment that I'm never going to use again. Boxes for things I've already binned, my divorce paperwork (from 16 years ago) is next for brutal sorting and shredding. There's a pile for each of my DC to go through - some of their school stuff, beloved toys they can keep or chuck.

I've only got one set of things in my kitchen (my mum had drawers and drawers of pots, pans, crockery, utensils, cake tins that haven't been used for 30 years, gadgets still in boxes). RECIPE BOOKS OMG. It's liberating.

I'm not leaving my DC anywhere near as much mess to sort out when I go. Medium term when they move out I'm going to downsize and free up some equity to pass to them now when they need it, not in 20, 30 years when I've gone.

My dad and stepmum have dealt with several estates in the last decade and are currently downsizing from a huge house to a supported flat whilst both are still mobile and capable, and have blitzed their entire house, my dad jokes not to leave anything lying about as she'll bin it.

I’m 50 and live rurally. It’s very likely I’ll be alone as I age as I haven’t had a partner for a long time. I still have children at home but I’m considering downsizing to a bungalow with a smaller garden, ideally in a town. I love my house and garden but it will be too much in time. I already have some knee pain.

Moving into town will be easier if I have to stop driving for any reason down the line and taxis would be more affordable if I couldn’t manage the walk.

I worked in a care home for a few years and it did open my eyes to how life could end up at the extreme end of ill health in the older years. My parents have both needed help and care due to health conditions.

Hopefully I have about 20 years before any of this becomes necessary but I am aware of the changes in my body from even 5-10 years ago so know things can change quicker than you expect.

Financially, I have nothing of value. I will put money towards a funeral and they can share anything left. I don’t own any assets. If I move I will clear the clutter then and perhaps make them each a memory box with bits from their childhoods I come across they might like to see/keep and a memory box of me - photos, the books I’ve written etc.

We're going through it with FIL right now. Getting him into age care. Went through it with MIL before that, then my parents will need it.

I'm definitely going to be prepared. Downsize to a more manageable house & ensure we can do as much ourselves, and minimise the load on DC where possible. IL's expected DH to everything. I refused. When MIL passed & FIL sold up, DH spent weekends cleaning out their house while ours desperately needs maintenance (that it still haven't had as no time).

Just recently, FIL had a high risk, unnecessary op two days before we went on holiday, had a complication and we had to rush home only a few hours after checking in. Lost all our holiday costs. No acknowledgement. He just lies there & expects DH to manage everything. We don't matter. He's exhausted. It's never-ending and will continue until FIL passes. I'm glad MIL has gone or it'd be much worse. Honestly, it's broken our marriage, too. DH spends so much time looking after FIL his career stalled, sick leave depleted, pay rises reduced, and I'm just too used to him not being here.

@astrabeesi'm so glad you said that! This thread is making me feel very sad. I'm in my early 60s, still working, active and in excellent health. I could live for another 30 years and hope I will - I'm doing everything I can to make sure that happens. I don't want to spend that time in death's waiting room, living small.

So, by all means declutter, but do it for the life you're living now.

@rookiemere It’s my current main worry as she is a proper hoarder, but her health is deteriorating. DH spent almost 2 months away living at her house last year as she was recovering from an operation and had radiotherapy, fortunately he had just retired but huge plans we had were suspended, we were going to travel for 3 months. She lives 250 miles away and her other child lives overseas.

So it’s affecting DH directly as he did actual care and me indirectly because he was then tied up with her. I’m not doing any care, I have been explicit about this . I did once a few years ago when she had her hip replaced and DH was still working FT and I was retired. She came to live with us for a month. The woman has been horrible to me so many times over close to 30 years DS said to his GF recently My Mum will be a great MIL because she knows not what to do because Granny has been so horrible to her. I was a bit taken aback but glad of the acknowledgment. She isn’t my parent so there is no obligation or guilt for me.

@ThatWaryLimePeer there is no way a house clearance can be paid for as her stuff is so mixed up. She has a lot of legal paperwork. She inherited the ground rent to about 40 or 50 houses from her Mother. She doesn’t really know. DH has described attempting to sort though stuff. A box could have newspaper clippings, a couple of photos, her NHS card, one of these ground rent documents, old recipe cards, bits of string. It’s that random. There are boxes neatly stacked throughout her house, they are under her table so your knees bang against them if you’re trying to eat dinner. You have to walk around them.