Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

I completely agree. I see so many people on here who's only plan for old age is a) go to dignitas b) take matters into their own hands or c) that they've instructed their children to just dump them in a care home and completely forget about them as they don't want to their children to have any stress whatsoever.

I know many family relationships are complex and some people will have very good reasons for not seeing their older parents or being involved so I am not discussing them here. However it is easy to make statements like the ones above when being elderly and needing care is not on the horizon.

But when reality hits or they find themselves older, it is a very different place. Places like dignitas and care homes have very strict eligibility criteria. You can't just go to dignitas because you don't want to be a burden to your family and don't want to be old. You can't just admit yourself into a care home if there's nothing wrong with you.

And for many cognitive decline is something that happens gradually. A lot of people aren't aware it's happening, they may think they are just a bit forgetful and find ways to adapt and the decline also happens. By the time many people get their diagnosis of dementia, they are at a stage of people needing to make their decisions for them.

None of us want to be burdens to our children or have them be our carers and most of us to what we can to try and mitigate the stress as much as possible. But most children are deeply bonded and attached to their parents and will inevitably be involved when we are elderly some way or another. It's a fact of family life. And life is underpredictable and many of us can have a fall or stroke or sudden illness that can lead to us needing a high level of care. And if your only preparation is to bury your head in the sand and tell your children that you want to go to dignitas then it puts them in a very difficult situation. I've seen children become absolutely broken trying to keep their parents at home when they've needed 24 hour care out of this guilt. The most loving thing you can do is to have realistic and honest conversations with them.

And I know those that don't have children or families have had worries understandably and I think I addressed them in a previous post.

Yes. My guiding rules: get yourself in best financial position you can, lift weights, if you plan to move (sell/ buy) do this before 70. Doing it later can become overwhelming to the point of not being possible. Finally, try to really appreciate your health while you have it.

@myislandhomeyour DMIL may never grow to love the care home, but at least she is safe and yourself and your DH can sleep at night, and that is in itself a good outcome.

You don't have to make your life smaller in your 50s. You just need to acknowledge that people get older - including yourself - and things may change when you are older. And then take that into account when making decisions. Making a note of your financial affairs/belongings/wills/ and making sure that isn't in a box with newspaper clippings and old recipes doesn't make your life small. Adding grab bars to your bathroom or converting a bath to a walk in shower before you need to doesn't either.

There is a lot of magical thinking around getting older - that won't happen to me or I'll head to Geneva or I won't expect my children to do anything. The reality is someone will have to do it and I have no idea why anyone would want to make it harder for their children or whoever has to do it and not easier.

Dh is spending hours sorting our his mother's affairs. He isn't retired and doesn't enjoy doing it but he has to do it. The alternative is she doesn't have enough cash to stay in the very nice nursing home near her family. What child is going to let that happen?

sittingonabeach

My dad went in for initially, a month's respite after coming out of hospital, a week after he went in he asked if he could stay there permanently. He had been getting frailer and had several falls, luckily, not serious ones but he really liked being in there. He was coping at home but becoming rather more vulnerable.

It was one of the more expensive ones locally but it was spotless, lovely rooms with en suite shower facilities, nice dining room/lounge area with big screen TV, very nice gardens full of plants and shrubs and seating to enjoy in good weather, loads of activities, trips out and he made friends too. The staff were all nice and dad was quite a favourite with several of them due to his nature.

Sometimes living at home on your own can be far lonelier and more dangerous if you are very frail and rarely see anyone but residential care can make a real difference to someone and in dad's case, he really thrived in there.

DF was very anti a care home, but ironically is really enjoying it now, plus regular visits from us where we can go for walks with him and take him out for lunch rather than fire fighting all the issues at their house with an hour’s drive on each side.

Sadly waiting for DF to be ready means the move is too late for DM. Because of her dementia she is very angry with everything and everyone and it’s painful to be around. Had they gone there six months earlier, I think she would have settled.

DH’s Nan was determined to stay in her home as she got more and more frail and kept having falls. Initially she turned down any help as told hospital etc that her family would look after her (without telling her family that is what she had said, they were surprised she was discharged without a care package). MIL and siblings were run ragged (we lived too far away to help). After next discharge they overrode Nan and said she had to have care package. She got frailer and had more falls but was determined to stay at home. She then had a fall as soon as she was discharged from hospital so went into care home for 6 week respite care. She loved it. She was able to join in activities and had company, whereas some days at home she would just see the carers when they came in twice a day. She wished she had gone in sooner. She didn’t go back home

I can only hope that those not planning on any accommodations don’t get dementia- mostly for the sake of their DCs. It’s all very well saying I don’t want carers or a care home - yuck - my DCs will care for me/I won’t get dementia because I do wordle/ I will take myself off to Geneva at the first sign of decline, but the reality is we’re living longer so a greater percentage of us will lose our mental faculties regardless of what we thin will happen.

Its a horrific illness to have to manage as an adult DC and the things my DPs had done in advance which made it easier to manage was power of attorney set up when they were in their 70s, wills kept in a clear place and bank accounts and savings rationalised and listed. Things they didn’t do was downsize - and to be honest they didn’t really need to as they had a downstairs bedroom, declutter- not really an issue it all went to the clearance company bar paperwork and photos when they went into the home as they are both past being attached to possessions. The couple of things that would have made a great difference and wouldn’t have had a huge negative impact on their earlier lives was to get a walk in shower installed a few years before they needed it, and got some paid help in the home in the form of a cleaner so they were used to the concept of having someone in and paying for it.

Thank you for this insight. Although I don't have much experience in this area, I can definitely see how care homes can be positive environments. There was a report published last year called 'Six ways that care homes support older people to thrive' which was good to read and very informative.

I think though we need to reframe care homes as these awful places where people are just left to rot, as places that are actually necessary for both the health and wellbeing of both the individual and their carers.

I visit many care homes in my role and of course some are better than others. But I've seen so many people stay at home with four times a day care (the maximum amount we commission and usually the same with most local authorities) and no overnight care when it is clear as day this level of care doesn't meet their needs and then families are left completely burnt out trying to cover the gaps, just to avoid their relative going into a care home.

Yes we'd all love to stay at home as far as possible and going into a care home is a massive emotional upheaval for everyone involved. But it is usually for the best. And far from being strangers, I've seen family members class build strong relationships with the carers in these care homes, class them as "family" and even go and visit once their relative has passed away. I've seen individuals thrive in care homes, they don't feel isolated as they make new friends within the home and also activities to join in. And some of these homes aren't clinical and rooms can be made to feel homely.

Yes some places aren't great but some are and can provide a real lifesaver for families and individuals. And it's sometimes unavoidable that we have to go in one and sometimes a lot easier on families than them trying to keep a loved one at home when their home can no longer keep them safe.

That's life I guess, and if you have children, it does unfortunately mean that one day they will likely have to go through it themselves too.

Completely agree with you. My elderly parents are still hill walking (and drinking too much imo) in their mid 80s. They have a wills folder and that's it.

I feel life's too short to start planning the end of mine in my 50s but we did do our wills when we became parents in our 30s.

I expect I'd feel different if I'd had elderly relatives who had had very long, lingering illness.

OP - this is an interesting thread. Lots of lessons leant from my parents and, as I have no children/partner am already thinking through options based on these. I am 55.
My parents did some things right - straightforward wills, open about financial arrrangements and financial POA in place. Probate was a doddle even with a house sale (no need solicitor). They weren't hoarders but there was a lot of clutter to clear which has prompted me to declutter (and abandon plan to board loft). Really just made me realise just how worthless most of our stuff is.
The main two lessons for me were a) the differences maintaining cognitive resilience and physical strength made. Dad who read extensively and stayed very active withstood illness and old age ao much better than mum who lounged on the sofa eating sweets and watching game shows. Chalk and cheese - I'm planning to engage a personal trainer for strength training. b) when you hit 70 it is a lot harder to make major changes so I will aim to have everything in order by then including moving to age friendly accomodation (prob flat in centre of town).

Not my parents but the awful shock loss of relatives in their 30’s (husband and wife). There was no will, no arrangements and it was terrible to work through in the midst of grief. No kids thank god.

We have all got our arrangements in order as a result.

I remember my late Father saying to me when I berated him on the state of his house rammed full with junk that he needed to get a grip of it.

He said it clearly worries you more than it does me. Its such incredibly selfish, self absorbed behaviour. I also told him that carers wouldnt come into what was a very dangerous place. We arranged for the fire service to come and have a word with him and he chucked them out. Would only speak to them from the front door.

In the end when he needed to go into a home I tried with a few relatives to get things to the tip ready to sell the house but it was hopeless. Luckily he had enough money to pay for professional clearance. They told me it wasnt the worst but pretty bad. They took over 1 week with van after van coming.

Apparently some people hoard dead animals - he hated all pets so he didnt have any but of course we found the usual mice and rats situation. How he slept at night I have no idea.

I have a friend who is a District Nurse. She said about 80% of the houses she goes into (rather deprived area with often overcrowding) are in a real state. No cleaning is ever done. Bed sheets are never changed. Toilets are never cleaned or although occasionally people claim they throw some bleach down.

No, quite the opposite: I have a child for whom I have to be alive and healthy for as long as possible I can be. I literally won't have the luxury to go into a care home, neither my offspring is the type that they will ever send me - we are foreign so we prefer suffering alone and at home if we must, but keep our dignity.

I can understand the worry but none of us know the future will hold. You may not even need care or even the same level as your parents. And I have met only children who have found caring for their parents hard of course but also easier in some ways as they can make decisions themselves without having to consult multiple children. I've come across some absolutely hellish situations of large families having all sorts of awful fall outs.

And things are changing all the time. Who knows what AI will do for the future of elderly care. Maybe it can help in this area (though don't ask me how. I'm not an expert in it!)

I almost wish I didn’t have DS. I am so worried that he might end up having to do what I have done for my DPs. Due to endometriosis he too is an only DC.

That should say avoid carers not involve them!

Yes of course. I meet with plenty of people who don't have family. There are some aspects that are undoubtedly easier with family and in many cases families especially those with multiple children, can actually hinder a person's care due to family disagreements over care etc.

I've seen people appoint people such as good neighbours, family friends as POA and if these people don't want to take it on then solicitors can step in or social work can take over guardianship. It certainly isn't the catastrophe you've built it up to be.

The most important thing about though living well when older isn't about having family etc, it's about living well NOW and enjoying life. Yes it's important to plan but not at the detriment of living your life before reaching old age. Life is for living and despite what you read on here, there is plenty to be enjoyed about life now and experience. And I've seen plenty people live happy lives in Older age and even thrive when move into a care home.

Your problem isn't a lack of family, it's the relentless obsession of old age. My best advice would be to you would be to seek some sort of intense therapy to sort these obsessive thoughts.

I completely agree. For many people on here their only plan for old age is "to go to dignitas" or "take matters into their own hands". Anything to involve carers coming in and going into a care home.

And something happens like a fall, or stroke, or brain tumour or just the human nature to survive is strong and people don't want to leave their family. And then they end up needing long term care yet their family are completely burnt out and at breaking point, trying to keep them at home as their parents have made it clear to them how much they don't want to be in a care home.