Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

There's definitely a place like this near me - I have even been to see it! They offer independent living, supported apartments (with some care), residential care, nursing care and a specialist dementia unit all on the same site. All existing residents get priority on any waiting lists if their needs change and there are regular assessments.

It's a really nice place with beautiful grounds and lots of activities. It's all private though - they don't accept LA funded residents.

I really hope I can live there when I am older.

@Utopiaqueen
I recognise the model that @Strawberriesandpearsis taking about. There are a couple of these developments not too far from me. Basically they are retirement flats where you pay a maintenance charge to include a warden and a communal meeting/activities area. You can then buy in extra personal or housekeeping care if/when you need it in your own flat. But there is also an actual care home on the same site for people who need full time care . Finances and assessments would need to take place before anyone moved, and I don’t think the suggestion was that they would move there unless their needs were not able to be met in their individual apartment.

As I said I just wasn't familiar with it as out retirement villages up here don't have care homes. I can see the benefit though of it through a contimium of care though of course very expensive!

The poster you are replying to is referring to private high end care homes/ retirement villages which are paid for privately by those using them, not local authority funded care. If you can pay for it you can buy any kind of care that you want. There is one of these retirement villages with care home attached down the road from me and it is very swish. Definitely will not accept the local authority funding rate.

I'm retired, and after a couple of deaths in the wider family recently, I would like to prepare the house for possible downsizing (we live in a 3 bed semi, so I'm talking about a flat or possible retirement flat).
The problem here is that my DH doesn't see it. It sees it with others, but every time i try to declutter, he buys stuff to fill the space!
I can understand some things, but not stuff that has no purpose.
Really hard to get him to write a will (we did it together). Hates thinking about getting old or death.
I also tell my family NOT to buy us presents for Xmas / birthdats etc (does not work).
I HAVE written out financial stuff / pension stuff for my DS.

I think that there is a bit of disconnect that goes on with people between their thoughts in their 50s/60s when dealing with their own elderly parents, and their feelings and awareness when they become frail/unwell in old age themselves. Perhaps it’s denial, perhaps it’s lack of self awareness, which comes when your world is small, and you value your home and own things around you more. I think the key thing is to declutter and /or downsize several years before you need to, but I can see how people would put this off until the last minute.

From my own POV I’m really trying to overcome my natural inclination to keep things ‘just in case’. And after seeing how much hassle my brother had dealing with my parents wills, we’ve changed ours so executors are DS (if he wants to do it) and our solicitor for if he doesn’t.

Again I can't speak for other areas and but that isn't the case where I am. Care homes and residential homes aren't on residential villages and they require a completely seperate assessment as the funding for them is different.

And I'm suprised people with no care home needs are being prioritised for a care home over the basis over where they lived over people who have a genuine need for a care home. It's certainly not the case in our local authority and I've not heard it anywhere else. Our care homes can have waiting list but the people on those waiting lists are those that have been assessed as needing a care home due not being safe to live at home.

There are retirement villages with on site care homes though, and where you receive priority for the care services if you are already living on site and your needs change.

They are very expensive places though.

I don't think it is as straight forward as downsizing early.

It may have made sense for my parents when they were early retired, slowing down but still busy out seeing friends, playing golf etc, to have a smalller house and garden to take care of, but now in their 80s with with mobility problems making them more or less housebound, having a large house and garden gives them a far better quality of life than a small retirement flat would.

Yes, they need (a lot of) help, but they can move about the house, with room for mobility aids and hobbies (computers, crafts, plants) and can get out and potter in the garden. If they'd moved to a retirement flat, they'd be basically stuck in one room all day.

Point well made. A retirement village is not a care home.

Even having a child/ren is no guarantee they'll be there for you. We have an only son. He's moved away to live/work in London. We're in the North West. We have no expectations of him at all other than an occasional weekend to come and visit us. We certainly don't expect him to come and "care" for whichever one of us is left. Even when we're both dead, I suspect he'll remotely get house clearance firm in to clear the house and remotely instruct an estate agent to deal with selling it. He simply doesn't/won't have the time off work to care for us or spend days/weeks clearing the house and disposing of our belongings.

Yes - I'm not wedded to staying in my forever home, We have a large second reception and bathroom downstairs if we have mobility issues and are willing to move closer to DD of we need a bit of help.
Lessons learned from my parents last years and DH's - us keep moving as much as possible and if mobility is an issue don't limit your world by refusing to use a wheelshair or other aid to get out and about

Downsize, downsize, downsize, downsize!

But you have a partner though? Why would you then be alone?

My dad had cancer and it was my mum who supported him to all his appointments and was there when he got the news. My dad said he couldn't have thought anything worse than his own children being there with him getting the news. Even though we're all well into our 30s and 40s, my dad still said for him he didn't want us being burdened with too much worry for him and him recieving the news before him actually processing it and us being there at the same time would have been too much for him.

Of course you have a future? Why would you not? I know a few family friends in their 60s and 70s who don't have siblings and nieces and nephews and while I don't know what their fears are on older age and support, they certainly aren't living any miserable lives at the moment. One seems to be in a new country every month, we've had photos of him from Tokyo, Kenya on safari and all sorts of exotic places. Another one moved to a seaside resort with her husband because they had the freedom to do so. They've completely immersed themselves in their new community, have made heaps of friends and generally having their best life.

Life to most extent is what you make of it. If you're of the mindset it's going to be awful and lonely and nothing will save you then it probably will be. But that's down to the active choice you've made to view it that way, not down to a lack of family.

Yes people can derive happiness from family and children etc. But they can also create for people a massive source of sadness and pain. Furthermore no child should be brought into this world as some sort of solution to the problem of loneliness, or to solve a person's worry of old age or that they are responsible for their parents happiness.

No decent parent has children and thinks "that's me sorted for old age". It's one thing children providing some sort of support to parents but children (and siblings as I know you mention being an only child a lot) are their own people in their own right and a right to their own life. Just thinking children would solve all your problem, are responsible for your future happiness and loneliness is not only grossly unfair to them but would cause MASSIVE pressure on them. What if they wanted to move away but felt they couldn't because its been conditioned to them that they are entirely responsible for alleviating the fears and loneliness of their parent. No one should have to live with that pressure.

I do empathise with your fears but I do think counselling would be beneficial to you to help you untangle all your fears.

Exactly. I feel sick at the thought of the day I get a cancer diagnosis as an elderly person with no family. I can't even start to imagine how that will feel.

Not even 60 and bedbound. No intention of going anywhere. No kids so not going to be supported. Will happily end when I’ve had enough.

That's true, although all of the aunties and uncles in my family who did not have children were close (both in terms of relationship and proximity) to their nieces and nephews and were supported very well. I guess even if they can't provide much support, it's a sense that there is still someone out there in the world that might care even a bit about you rather than just being entirely alone. I absolutely dread the day I become an 'elder orphan' and 'kinless'. It's my own fault really though - I should have had the foresight when I was younger to see that having children should have been my number one goal in life. Circumstances never really allowed though.

I hope you are right in that there is still at least some kind of future for me.

Some things will be able to be done remotely, but sometimes the doctors have to actually see the patients, listen to their chests, do MRIs, measure the size of swollen legs, manipulate backs, vaccinate arms etc etc.

Also it isn't just the physical taking, it is the being with them to support with whatever news they get, even if advocating and taking notes can be done over a video link.

There seems to be an obsession (not on this thread but wider on MN) of needing someone to’ take them to appointments’ assuming that the world/the decrepit NHS will continue always as now.
Either the NHS will modernize, or hopefully be replaced with a functional system using AI and remote access etc.

I can understand for many people being an only child can highlight or they feel the lack of family but I'm just curious as to what expectations people would have had on theoretical siblings and nephews/nieces when they were very elderly and needing support. Especially in this day and age.

I am close to my aunties and uncles and they all have children of their own, but if they didn't I'm not sure how much help I could be to them. Firstly like a LOT of families they all live 3-5 hours away. And secondly, even if they did live close by I have children, a job, parents and in-laws plus my own life to live who all take priority. I simply wouldn't have the time or energy to provide the support that a child might give their parent or provide the level of companionship to alleviate lonlieness of a lack of family. And this isn't through me being uncaring just simply as a person with limited resources.

And this ties up with people I meet who have nieces and nephews supporting them. It's very very basic what they can provide, certainly not what they would do for parents and they've made it clear this nor should they be expected to.

I don't mean this in any bad way as I'm just curious people have mentioned on here a few times also being an only child.

I should also caveat this by saying I don't think people should be relying on their children completely either nor is it a reason to have children and I've met plenty people who don't have children who are older and have had happy full lives!

Sorry, meant to add my parents were zero prepared and quite honestly it’s been difficult and tiring. I don’t want to put my two kids through the same.

Yes, following this thread with interest. This is something I’ve started thinking about. I’m married to an only child, as am I. It does worries me, as although we have two adult children, neither live local. It’s not something I expected, so do want to be well prepared.

My mum and dad have been quite organised, they’ve moved to a retirement flat as my mum’s mobility has declined. My father in law has done absolutely fuck all, and it appears to be a shock to him that old age came knocking. My red lines are he’s not moving in with us nor getting a penny piece out of us.

I loved that book @Defiantly41 Really thought-provoking - and quite funny in places.

No one should sacrifice their today to tomorrow. I would go further and say age 60plus can be a great age to do new things/change things etc. That's out plan anyway. It is pretty easy though at the same time as living your life to bear in mind that you will get older so maintain health/keep your affairs in order/make a will/make sure your home is accessible and do all these things before it becomes an emergency.

There was no point in MIL's life where it would have been a burden to sort out her deeds/titles/passwords. If she did find it burdensome she could have asked dh for help - it would have been an afternoon's work to put together a list of passwords, file the deeds to everything in one place, do a list of what is missing and get ahead of replacing them, contact a lawyer to sort out foreign property and taxes. It is now a bloody marathon involving 2 law firms and 2 accountants zoom calls and many affidavits. None of this is bothering her but it certainly is bothering her children.