Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

Just picked up on this thought about getting dm a carer weekly that she sees as a cleaner - that might work really well for my situation with my dm. Please can you give me more details on how you set that up etc ?

I have weights in the kitchen!

I do sets when I get a minute.

I do much more now that I do not have to go looking for them, go to gym or change my clothes.

I did a cheeky 15 mins tonight while the pasta was cooking! :)

Luckily my DF had POA’s put in place in good time, and I needed them.
He also had a will, but it would have made the process easier if he’d told the beneficiaries what was in it, rather than leaving me to tell them. As it wasn’t evenly split it’s caused upset.
He refused to leave his home but it was easy to bring his bed downstairs, and he already had a wheelchair friendly wet room downstairs too. That was his forward planning.
As for the ‘care’ received at home at the end, it’s not what I would have wanted. Every single time it was a man from abroad, and DF struggled with their accents, plus it was strangers in his house 4 times a day, doing intimate care. I visited a lovely nursing home down the road where I think he would have had a much nicer, better pain controlled, end. But it was his choice and he wasn’t prepared to look at alternatives.

I don't dispute exercise and other lifestyle choices can give a healthier old age, only that it means there less need to be concerned about old age. Whether you need support in your 70s or 90s is immaterial, it's still likely to feature.

Anecdotes don't equal data. There'll always be people who did no exercise living to a ripe old age and people who exercised a lot suffering debilitating diseases. But on a societal level, the probability of a healthier old age increases for those who've exercised and have a healthier lifestyle.

Exercise doesn't have to mean cycling miles every day, going to the gym every day or running marathons. Just moving more have been proven to make a difference at whatever level of fitness/health. Even those who are bed ridden or have to sit in a chair all day can benefit from doing whatever movement/exercises they're able to do, even if just with their hands/arms, just to get the body moving (internally and externally) and blood pumping.

Also, starting to see evidence that drugs and medications are more effective if the person is active and moving, perhaps because they're absorbed better into the body if the stomach etc is performing better due to physical activity and/or higher heart rate.

We were the same when DH received his cancer diagnosis. DS was just a couple of months away from his GCSE exams and we didn't want to burden/upset him with the diagnosis, so we agreed to keep it quiet. After the successful first course of treatment, and DH was in remission, we made the decision not to tell DS, as we didn't want to influence his choices re sixth form/A levels, etc. Then the cancer returned just before DS's A Levels and making University choice, again, we didn't want DH diagnosis to influence him or upset him, so kept it quiet again. Treatment worked again and he was back in remission, so again, no "need" to tell DS. Then it came back during his final year at University, when he was preparing for his final exams and chosing his first graduate job (two options, both hundreds of miles from home). We again didn't want DH diagnosis to affect his exams nor influence which job he took, so again didn't tell him. He's now been working for 3 years (other end of the country), still doesn't know about DH diagnosis. We feel terrible for keeping it from him, but at the end of the day, he went through his GCSEs, A Levels, degree and first years of his first graduate job, living away from home, all without stress/fuss/upset that he'd have suffered had he known. Realistically, telling him would have achieved nothing - he couldn't do anything to help. The risk to his future was too great. Yes, if things had gone downhill and treatments stopped working, we'd have, of course, told him, but as things have gone, each course of treatment has been effective, DH is still alive, still working, still having holidays, etc. Of course we feel guilty keeping him in the dark, but we still stand by our decision and will tell DS when necessary, i.e. when treatments stop working and/or the cancer causes other complications, but even then, we'd still not expect DS to drop everything and return home (until things get really serious!!).

It’s simply the case that there are some important, significant exercises that make a difference.

This is so true. Especially around balance and core strength. Even when decline happens having good core and upper body strength can make a difference - even if in a wheelchair.

I’m not sure you read my post, or understood me. It’s more about keeping mobile if you can. Nor am I talking about being a gym bunny, quite the opposite. It’s simply the case that there are some important, significant exercises that make a difference. That’s why there are people like physiotherapists! If you have chronic health issues like me, and I’ve avoided exercise all your life as a result, this is even more relevant.

Obviously at some point any exercise you try to do, assuming you can still do them, will be completely irrelevant and no amount of exercise will prevent your ultimate decline and I don’t think I suggested otherwise in any way. Until such time…

This is always given as some miracle to prevent decline in old age, and it may help delay it, but there is still very likely to be a decline so all the issues discussed here are still relevant.

My Grandad was clearing his own gutters well into his 80s, he couldn't care for himself for the last 2 years though.

It’s relatively easy to do some weights and strength exercises at home, even in a small space. I’ve just started. There are lots of them on YouTube, though it has taken some time to work through the ones that suit me and don’t worsen my medical issues. Personally, I don’t have the time or energy to go back-and-forth from a gym, when I can do such exercises at home.

After 8 years (and counting) helping to care for my mum who has advanced dementia and cancer and with an elderly father who is the most stubborn man in the world, I have vowed to never put my own dc through this hell.

As soon as dc have moved out we will sell our house and move to a bungalow. I never want my children to have to care for me or feel any kind of guilt for not wanting to so I am drumming it into them now at 18 and 21 that it's ok and not something I want for them anyhow, (unlike my father who seems to think I am only here to be at his beck and call simply because I am his child and children should look after ageing parents even though he did sod all for his).

I am soon to set up a living will with all of my wishes and will write letters etc for my children to read should I lose capacity and the ability to communicate as my poor mum has.

Being old is fine if you are of sound mind and body but from my experience (I also work with elderly people) it's a shit show for most elderly people and I genuinely fear it.

The care home my dad was in as a residential resident had a small complex of bungalows. You didn't buy them, they were rented, they were really nice, 2 bedrooms, small garden (maintained), conservatory, parking available, all bills and food included. If you needed care, that had to be bought in separately. At the time of me asking about it it was £2,300 a month, that was about five years ago now so it's probably more now.

I liked the idea so much, I live a few minutes away and would be happy to consider going into one of these bungalows if and when I become unable to manage being in my home on my own. Hopefully, I'm a long way from that at the moment.

It's obviously self funding but I've never yet seen an empty bungalow available so I think people probably sell their home, move in there and then if the time comes when they need proper care, they just move into the care home.

I'm just talking about old age and frailty.

Just had this with a fall and Mum late 70s- but half the battle were siblings lying about how she'd cope and how much help we'd be and vetoing any carers - which TBF she's not be keen on. She however was in a bad state and they were dismissive of that and anything even temp being put in place even moving house round to support her.

She's fine normally but few more years - I've no idea. House is set up well location is terrible but she can on-line shop. Slightly older neighbour in her 80s and more active than Mum recently move to sheleter accomodation near her adult kids - huge move took months and lot of family support that was nearly 4 years after losing her DH.

IL are doing fit and healthy route and a nearby network of kith and kin - so think we may have another decade there before issue start.

Our planning isn't happening as well still getting kids out the door but we'll move few years for work and will have to think long and hard what the priorites would be then. DH though digd hsi head in the ground about it so will have to be me pushing as we age.

Yes I was going to say the same thing. Downsizing doesn't have to mean going from a spacious 4 bed house with massive garden to a grotty studio flat!

My MIL very sensibly moved a few years ago in her early 70s, from a rambling 5 bed farmhouse with massive garden in the middle of nowhere.
She now lives in a new-ish build house that is technically 4 beds (one very small), but much better laid out, with small garden, that's in a well-connected village with a shop, doctors etc all within 5 min walk.

Mum went into many respite care places some privately and some funded by the NHS. The NHS ones were truly disgusting places and of course only funded for 6 weeks.

Until people accept that someone has to pay for this nothing will change. I would like to see an age related fund that YOU pay for whilst you are working. I am fed of people who have barely worked or only very part time feeling aggrieved that everyone else needs to pay for top class fully funded, lots of choice places for them.

Mccarthy and Stone are not care homes. They wont pick you off the floor if you fall. They wont feed you or ensure that you take your medication. My late Mum was in one. They are for independent living.

What I did find is that people were moving (and buying!) far too late in life. They were persuading themselves care homes werent for them. This then meant that a few years or even the next year they either passed away or went into a care home. The women next to Mum's apartment brought hers at 91! Never never buy unless you are say 70 which was the minimum age for some of the places and buy second hand.

WHY DO PEOPLE BUY AT TOP PRICES BRAND NEW AT 85 PLUS??

There was one women who tried to get her husband into one with her but not mentioning he even existed until contracts were about to signed. He was suffering from dementia and she dismissed it by saying she would be looking after him and everything would go through her. She was early 80's. She was turned down. If she got ill what would happen to hIm.

Mum eventually had to go into a care home were her needs were met when she just became too frail and confused to stay.

That's a very fair point. I wouldn't actually wish to put any children I had through such devastating news. My own parents have been ill recently and it's been an absolutely awful time. I've never felt so upset, and also alone at times. I wouldn't want that for any child of mine.

I also just wanted to comment further on this in a hopefully positive way as things just came back to me.

I hope you don't mind me saying that you seem to have this rather black and white of view of families I've seen in posts. You seem to think that only siblings and children can provide support, companionship and happiness and absolutely everyone and anything else doesn't compare and is inferior. I don't think anyone could possibly live up to this idea you have of them in your head as an endless source of happiness and support. Life just isn't like that. Families can be very complex.

But as to a cancer diagnosis. You have no idea how you would handle this. For most parents too, they want to sheild their children from distress and wouldn't want them there recieving the news when they also received it.

My dad was like that. And actually even though he had my mum, children, grandchildren and extended family etc. It didn't make things easier for him in terms of emotionally and it still felt lonely for him. By FAR, the best support he had and what helped him the most in his mindset and mental health was attending cancer support groups and meeting people going through the same thing. They offered him a type of support as a family we could never give him and the best support of all.

Family is not the only source of support.

Yes, McCarthy Stone are not what I am talking about. They aren't really an option I would consider.

It's finding the right time that's so difficult though. IME it's often not a gradual decline. Three years ago, my parenrs were walking miles and carrying heavy shopping, my Mum was taking care of the neighbour's children (occasionally) and my Dad was on his hands and knees changing the element in my oven, or up a step ladder painting the house.

Then, illness for Dad, and a fall for Mum have turned them into infirm, elderly, practically housebound people almost overnight.

Oh I definitely wasn't disputing they existed, just that I wasn't familiar with it and had misread it in that somehow people were prioritised for care home whether they needed it or not.

And money certainly buys choice but I think there's an assumption that the more expensive means automatically better care which is far from the case. In my role I go to out to many care homes and work with many providers. Our local McCarthy Stone retirement place I wouldn't touch with a bargepole. It prides itself as having care on site yet mine and my colleagues experience is that they don't actually want to provide any care as it is! And I've been to a few local authority care homes where maybe the facilities aren't as nice as a private one, the standard of care is far superior which is the most important aspect.

We have done this three times in the last 15 years. Yes it has made us very aware of how we manage to not put this on our children. My grandparents either died early or died at home. My parents and MIL all had dementia, all were in sheltered accommodation which made life easier till they got to the stage when care was necessary. Two out of three were emergency admissions so we took whatever the LA found us.
There is a limit to what planning you do as you cannot know in advance when things will happen so you can’t reserve a place now for 2040 say. What you can do is have POA in place, wills in place, living wills if you wish them and have open conversations with your children. I will not be tested now for Alzheimer’s but if I had a cancer diagnosis I would have that test and if positive it would influence my decisions on treatment, I am mid 60’s.
You can find the right time to move, late enough to enjoy the family home in retirement but early enough to cope with the hassle, the massive clear out etc.
You can campaign for a right to decide when to die.

Very interesting discussion here. Could someone send a link for these developments where the retirement complex and care home are on the same site.

Its a great idea and as everyone knows - money will bring you choice.There is a retirement complex near me but has a terrible reputation as the council tend to put people who should really be in a full care home there and there are all sorts of issues. Its done for cost reasons (from the LA point of view).

Yes, that's exactly the model I am referring to 😊I have even been to visit one and it looked lovely. It has excellent reviews and a high CQC rating too. I just hope it is still the same by the time I would like to move there (or that others have been built).

I see a lot of people on here saying that money doesn't buy you choice in old age and that everyone ends up in the same place whether they are paying for it themselves or LA funded, but that definitely isn't always the case.

I'm going to use my money to hopefully buy myself an old age living in a secure, supported and attractive environment.

A nice spacious bungalow with a garden is the ideal solution, but sadly not many get built these days.