Navigating caring for parents who were abusive when I was young

I had mine at arms length
Then she fell ,was in hospital,got diagnosed with dementia and suddenly I had consultants ringing me and I was travelling hours a week to the hospital.
The attitude of staff was that she was MY responsibility.
I had years earlier stupidly signed to say I would be POA ..
She's in a nursing home near me now ..I had everything to do moving her , selling her house and things .
Moving her 3 times to different nursing homes .
I do visit..but literally spend the whole time crying..staff pat me on the back or arm .. obviously thinking I'm upset for her ..
Just seeing her asleep in bed ,she looks angry just like how I remember her always shouting and hitting me .
It's not doing my mental health any good
The point to my message is ...don't be me ...it won't help you mentally x

You are under no obligation whatsoever to care for people who previously abused you. I would be taking a step back from all of it.

You know what op, I know it feels tremendously difficult but reality is it's really easy to implement. No call answering, no door answering if dm calls and you have had to confront answer minimally. If you don't want to confront about the past just minimise interaction. Find excuses, you're working, you're away, have no time. Never call. If you want them to know why, write a letter then go cold turkey.

Then tell them he’s not. They are adults - no need to gloss over anything now.

Sometimes ‘being the grown up’ means taking responsibility for your own mental health by prioritising it over the demands of people who have made it a mission to ruin it, OP.

Similar situation, F, has been abusive to me, threatening to hit me, just plain nasty at times. M, diagnosed with dimentia, I could see it happening, he wouldn't let anyone in. Neglect re the home and personal care, also I suspected abuse, as mum had bruises and neither could tell me what happened. I tried to get help, social services, GP, no one would help, I'm an only child. M went to see her GP before Christmas and told them he was hitting her, so they raised safeguarding. She's been in hospital and now in a care hime, THEY were going to send her home to him and the house, which is awful. Insoentva lot of time fighting her corner as it was an unsafe discharge. He tells everyone he adores her, hasn't asked after her, in all the weeks shes been in a home. I moved away 6 months ago, distance is good, but all the services try to get me involved, happy to arrange things but I hate being with him. Feel for Mum, but she was complicit in his awful behaviour over the years. If they can afford it get help, you can do the behind the scenes/ admin, you must look after you. In saying this guilt eats you up and I'm struggling but I need to try as feeling a little broken, take care.

Your mum either enabled his abuse of you and your sister, or at the very least turned a blind eye and didn't protect you.

Depending on how old your DC are, you can tell them that he wasn't and still isn't a good guy. He was physically violence to his own children. He should be no-where near your children.

You had a horrific childhood and you owe your parents nothing. Step right back and don't feel guilty.

Walk away and don't look back. No matter what you do, it will never be enough so you might as well do nothing. You may think you're saving your mum, but she made a choice not to put you first, and decisions have consequences. I had similar circumstances but after mum died, I did the same with my abusive dad and after feeling bad about it for a few weeks, I am glad I pulled the plug rather than give in to his tantrums. It went against my "be good, don't make a fuss" upbringing, and I hope he's reflecting on why he is now left on his own (although I doubt it).

Had he died first and left mum behind, things might have been different but we'll never know.

I really feel for you but I think you have to look after yourself.

Your parents choose to treat you badly, they choose to put themselves first...you owe them absolutely nothing and can choose to put this down and walk away.

I had a similar childhood I am now no contact with my elderly mother (an enabler) and by extension all of the extended family apart from a neice and have been for the last 7 years and I really cant tell you how much this has improved my mental health and life.

My step father is now dead but everyone thinks he was great (apart from my sister who lived with the same daily fear)

I can't offer you advice on how to deal with telling your children as I haven't ever told my neice ( that is for her mother I think) but it hurts that she misses a 'wonderful man' who was actually an evil monster to me and her own mother.

You say your parents can afford private help but refuse to do so. Time to drop the rope and step back without pangs of conscience. I moved to another city because as the divorced childfree daughter I could see myself being delegated to look after needy parents. My father beat me violently as a child and my mother never raised a finger to stop him.

Do not be guilt tripped. As ye sow so shall ye reap.

Tell them to pay for cabs! And if your father has tantrums like that again, I’d simply walk out and tell him I won’t be back unless/until he can behave himself.

OP, you owe them nothing - please don’t let them - or anyone else - guilt trip you into showing ‘kindness’ you just don’t feel, and which they certainly don’t deserve.

As others say, their care is not your responsibility. Speak to hospital abd ve absolutely clear you will be providing zero support when he leaves hospital and tgey should make a referral to SS. If your mother isn't capable of looking after herself make a referral to SS. Abdcalso explain to them tgey abused you as a child, are still abusing you abd you will be providing zero support.

Then walk away . Enjoy your life with your own family. Bin any hint of guilt you may feel. Its only function is to make you feel like crap -so just bin it.

I can't vring myself to use the DG thing for my gran either.

You can do this!

You’re a victim of FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

You have been brought up to cover up, to make things appear ok. You think you understand what you went through, but you aren’t all the way there yet.

It isn’t your fault. But you don’t have to cover for him anymore. You don’t have to keep up appearances or care for them.

Your children are wrong, he's not a nice guy! You don't have to tell them the whole story but you could explain that he wasn't nice to you or sister when you were younger.

Your mother made her own choices, she could have protected her children but chose not to.

You have no responsibility to either of them.

They can afford to pay for help, let them. It really isn't your problem.

Why have you allowed your DC to know and love a man who is violent, abusive and controlling? He still is. He’s raging at you in the hospital.

Don’t teach your DC to rely on superficial appearances.

They think he’s a nice guy because you haven’t told them the truth. They haven’t seen him be an abusive piece of shit. You don’t have to terrify them. Just let them know that while they’ve never seen it, he has behaved horribly and still does.

They need to know that he has chosen to abuse his wife and children. That some people don’t look abusive, but they can be abusive. Don’t teach your DC that nasty men wear labels!

Your children are old enough to hear the truth about your upbringing. Why do they think your violent father is a nice guy? he isn't. Speak your truth to them.

You owe these people nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Just stop. Tell the hospital you are not going to be involved because your father was violent to you when you were a child and so you are not helping in any way.

your parents have money. Let them use it. This is NOT your problem.

I presume your sister would support you in all of this.

Your mum has chosen to stay with him. That’s on her. She doesn’t get to expect you to support her choices.

My mum was borderline abusive. DF received poor care in his last years because he’d chosen to stay with her and prioritise her against everyone- himself and us. He made that choice consistently for 60 odd years.

Whilst he is in hospital raise your concerns re you F’s behaviour towards your M. Explain that this is an entrenched pattern of behaviour and not just linked to acute illness. Explain your own experience if this feels appropriate for you. Then leave to the staff to consider any adult safeguarding actions they would need to take.

So stop teaching your dc that this man is ok! Stop protecting him from his own behaviour!

Stop doing this. You are harming yourself by providing care for those who hurt you. You absolutely don’t have to do this and can tell them why if you choose.