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Elderly parents
Original poster

How to handle concerns about elderly in-laws planning a long drive

32 replies

Runningupthehillagain · 08/04/2026 16:36

My FIL’s health hasn’t been great for years but the last three he has really deteriorated. But then also, he’s “fine”. He’s spent a lot of time with the frailty team at the hospital who couldn’t help him (I suspect he’s also told them he’s “fine”.

He has limited mobility now - not sure if that’s through choice or not. He hardly moves from him chair or from home. He struggles to walk without reaching for a chair or a wall for support. He has fallen a number of times but in-laws always explain these little instances away.

They have just announced they are going to embark on a very long drive - will require a stop overnight - and on motorways. They don’t drive far now - to the supermarket and hospital appointments mainly - so it’s been many years since they’ve driven for any length of time.

We have spoken to them about our concerns and they plan to share the driving between them but aren’t keen to hear our concerns. I get that we can’t stop them but it’s not just themselves they are putting at risk. We’ve suggested trains etc but they won’t hear of it. Can anyone offer advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Runningupthehillagain · 08/04/2026 17:24

Thank you for the kind advice. I think approaching it from a practical perspective is a good idea.

My DH can offer to go for a run with them - we’ll find some reason for them to go on an errand - and go from there.

OP posts:
Icecreamandcoffee · 08/04/2026 17:16

roundaboutthehillsareshining · 08/04/2026 16:49

I'd turn it around, if you make it about them they will get stubborn so make it about the car. If they're only currently using the car locally, then "it'll need a bit of a spin to get the engine all cleared out for a long drive". Talk some guff about "catalytic converters needing a good burn on a fast road and how you wouldn't want them to break down en route. So they should definitely take the car out for an hour or two on a good journey before going for a distance that needs an overnight stay".

Hopefully they'll find that exhausting and a bit scarey, and it'll put them off without causing any dramas about their competence being questioned.

This was the way we finally discouraged my 90 year old grandad. He too only drove locally and only for shopping/ medical appointments and wasn't great on his legs. He was insistent on doing a 3 hour drive to a country show, a stop over and then 3 hour drive back a couple of years ago.

There was absolutely no stopping him. So my dad let him do it and let him struggle with it. He was exhausted for a week after, found the drive very hard work, found driving on unfamiliar roads very difficult and had to keep stopping for rest breaks every 40 minutes. Assisted greatly by my granny who could give Hyacinth Bucket a run for her money in passenger behavior. He hasn't entertained driving long distances since. Sometimes you just have to let them fail.

thedevilinablackdress · 08/04/2026 16:53

This is all dependent on how good you are at lying and how likely they are to fall for it.

Forresty · 08/04/2026 16:51

roundaboutthehillsareshining · 08/04/2026 16:49

I'd turn it around, if you make it about them they will get stubborn so make it about the car. If they're only currently using the car locally, then "it'll need a bit of a spin to get the engine all cleared out for a long drive". Talk some guff about "catalytic converters needing a good burn on a fast road and how you wouldn't want them to break down en route. So they should definitely take the car out for an hour or two on a good journey before going for a distance that needs an overnight stay".

Hopefully they'll find that exhausting and a bit scarey, and it'll put them off without causing any dramas about their competence being questioned.

Yes, that is a good way to lean into it. Plan a hour-long route too.

roundaboutthehillsareshining · 08/04/2026 16:49

I'd turn it around, if you make it about them they will get stubborn so make it about the car. If they're only currently using the car locally, then "it'll need a bit of a spin to get the engine all cleared out for a long drive". Talk some guff about "catalytic converters needing a good burn on a fast road and how you wouldn't want them to break down en route. So they should definitely take the car out for an hour or two on a good journey before going for a distance that needs an overnight stay".

Hopefully they'll find that exhausting and a bit scarey, and it'll put them off without causing any dramas about their competence being questioned.

Plantmoretrees · 08/04/2026 16:45

I think you are right to be concerned, but how is their driving? For example I recall my grandad was very frail, but driving was what he could do , and requently drove from the UK to Spain and France

Forresty · 08/04/2026 16:41

Tricky one. You could suggest a practice run? Of, say, an hour, and you sit in the car with them (if you dare). I doubt they would manage the whole hour, and it might change their mind about the much longer drive.