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Original poster

Mum refusing food, what will the hospital do?

35 replies

minipoodlemum · 05/04/2026 22:42

My mum is 78 and has stage 4 lung cancer and a lot of other complications such as a swollen ankle and a portal vein thrombosis. She had surgery in January and was noticeably younger and stronger than the other ladies in the ward. She was bright and talkative once she had recovered from her surgery. She was discharged and was very mobile and independent at home. The plan was to have chemotherapy and it all seemed optimistic, even though ultimately she won’t be cured, we had hoped for more time with a decent quality of life.

In the last 6 weeks she has been admitted to hospital 3 times for infections in her ankle. She has honestly aged about 15 years in 6 weeks, and has now been diagnosed with severe frailty. The doctors want to drain the bacteria from her ankle but they say she’s too frail as she barely eats. I was shocked at the difference since January - she has 2-3 glasses of milk and a couple of yoghurts a day. A few weeks ago she was at least choosing something from the menu even if she barely touched it. Now she refuses to listen to the menu options. She doesn’t read much, won’t use her phone. I have no way of communicating with her if I don’t go to see her in hospital, and she doesn’t want conversation - she is miserable and snappy. I brought her magazines and she gave them away, she won’t watch TV or anything. She seems so depressed and bored, she tells me she cries in the night with the pain from her leg. The doctor had a stern word with her yesterday and told her they can’t drain the bacteria from her leg without her becoming stronger.

has anyone been through this? It feels like she has given up way before she needs to. My dad spends every afternoon at her bedside and brings her things. I am 400 miles away so I go up every few weeks and take in extra yoghurts, biscuits, fruit etc. She has no interest in foods that she enjoyed as recently as January. She gets acid reflux so I know it’s unpleasant sometimes. I am wondering what the hospital will do if she is too poorly to go through treatment. Please tell me if there’s anything else I could try.

OP posts:
suki1964 · 05/04/2026 23:07

Hopefully you will have a very caring team who will discuss your mothers diagnosis and outcome with you fully

I was in the same boat last month, and we decided on comfort and dignity and allowed mum to go in her own time with no attempt at intervention or treatment

It's not easy, it really isnt. I was so lucky that mum got a bed on the Macmillan unit, which was peaceful and calming and she passed in dignity and as pain free as possible

Once she decided she was no longer eating, it was only a few days

(((((HUGS ))))

Shallysally · 05/04/2026 23:05

I’d be asking the ward staff if a referral to the hospital social work team has been made.
They can request a joint assessment with health staff regarding your Mum’s capacity in terms of her treatment and refer to the advocacy service.
Hopefully the social work team will request an MDT to discuss treatment. Her pain relief and possible low mood need addressing.

Also, ask if a referral to the dietician has been completed, as well as MacMillan.

INeedAnotherAlibi · 05/04/2026 23:04

Posted too soon - I meant to say I’m sorry you’re in this position.(Unmnetty) hugs 🫂

INeedAnotherAlibi · 05/04/2026 23:02

I’d suggest asking for MacMillan input..her health needs are complex. It’s more difficult to manage anything acute, like the infection, with an underlying issue ongoing. MacMillan can help advise on pain management and long term prognosis. You also need to have a chat with her and your Dad about what her choices are going forwards - what would she want treatment wise? When does she want to stop active treatment and be kept comfortable? They are tough on everyone (we had similar with my Mum and the medics were shocked at how candid she was, but she was a nurse and knew better than most). MacMillan can help in guiding conversations and knowing what is on offer.

Gliblet · 05/04/2026 22:56

Ask the hospital what they're doing to help with reflux, and control her pain and nausea (beyond having a stern word with her 🙄). If eating is causing discomfort or sickness then they can't blame her for not wanting to. You might need to ask for a pain specialist rather than/in addition to her usual doctor or ward staff.

After that, it depends what would usually tempt her - fresh fruit is fairly hard to come by on hospital menus, and sometimes people will drink Huel/Complan shakes when they won't eat meals so at least you can up the calorie count a bit.

northstars · 05/04/2026 22:56

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through similar recently and I found it quite traumatic the way the hospital kept pushing my father to eat when he was refusing and in no state to eat. I would suggest speaking to the palliative care team if possible.

I also found Kathryn Mannix book “With the end in mind” really comforting and helpful when my dad was unwell.

keffie12 · 05/04/2026 22:55

In all honesty there isn't anything you can do. Your mom refusal to eat usually means she coming to end of life.

I know you won't like hearing that. Your mom is clearly in late stages of the cancer, and you can't make her eat.

I've been through this with my late mom and my late husband. I've experienced this with both of them. It's heartbreaking I know. Enjoy the time you have left is the only thing I can say, and don't tie yourself up in knots with what you cannot change.

Take good care of yourself

LiveLuvLaugh · 05/04/2026 22:55

I’m so sorry, this sounds really hard. And so difficult for you as you are so far away. Is it worth asking if she can be referred to the Mental Health Liaison team to see if she is clinically depressed? It sounds like such rapid change in the last few weeks. Sending you and your poor Mum very best wishes.

Original poster
minipoodlemum · 05/04/2026 22:54

They are giving her pain relief, which she says doesn’t work but it definitely does something. They haven’t discussed her MH with us - I think the focus has been solely on giving treatment. Last time she was discharged she sent me an email, complaining that she hates what her life has become, with my Dad cooking meals and her loss of independence but I don’t think she is having that conversation with the doctors.

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 05/04/2026 22:48

Is the hospital able to improve her pain relief in her ankle? Can they offer her any support with her mental health?