Granny Annexe in garden - things to consider?

Yes it is sad but it is very hard to back out of this sort of arrangement if things go wrong. It is much better to be aware of all the possible negatives before committing to something that could be lifechanging in negative and positive ways. I agreed to live with my mum without really thinking about how it would work and really wish I had thought about it more realistically.

MIL didn't have dementia but after her stroke she needed 24 hour care as she was paralysed and non verbal and was terrified if FIL so much as popped to the village shop.
My dad didn't have dementia but needed care because he was deaf, nearly blind and had significant mobility issues.

I cared for my mother. I'm so glad I did.

I'd recommend:

1. future proofing the annexe, starting with conduction hobs to reduce the risk of burns, right down to a bum-cleaning/drying loo and an extra strong joist in case a hoist is needed one

2. paying for it yourself so that you don't run the risk of complications if they later go into a home

3. agreeing beforehand that if they need help when you can't help, whether due to holidays or social plans or work or anything else, that they will pay for outside help without even hinting that you should cancel plans

4. Agree that although you'll invite them over to your house regularly, they shouldn't just come over whenever they like. You'll need privacy and space.

I miss my parents so much, but I’ll always be glad that I made some sacrifices that enabled me to care for them. We were closer than ever in their final years, and although it was often exhausting and sad, I didn't need to worry because I knew exactly how they were and what was going on.

We hope to move to a house with an annexe for my in-laws in the next couple of years. It'll be harder than caring for my parents, but it's the right thing to do. Society would be a better place if more of us could/ would care for elderly or ill relatives.

If you have a partner, think about how you'd make it fair by having both sets. If that applies, obviously. If not, you're setting yourself up for serious issues down the line.
In many countries, families live together and it works well. For some, anyway.

Having lived with my DM, I would agree with all the considerations and negatives already brought up! It would depend on the layout and space that you have available but I think you would probably lose any sense of privacy in your outside space as well as in your home. If you have bored/ anxious/nosey parents they will be monitoring all your comings and goings and will see you as being available just because they know that you are at home. It is extremely difficult to establish boundaries when you are always next door! It can also put pressure on your relationship with partner/children/friends if your parents are likely to gatecrash your time with them.

They might be on the negative side, but they'll help OP go in with their eyes open.
I've seen it in my family and while it wasn't by any means a total disaster, it did put a lot of strain on sibling, marital, and the parent -child relationships.

I find the majority of responses on here very sad. I think it’s wonderful that you are considering doing this for your parents, and I would hope that in a similar situation if I am able to, I would do the same. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t help if I could. If you have a good relationship with your parents there is every reason this can work, and I commend you.

People need care for things other than dementia.

See a lawyer to cover eventualities such as PP mention of you pre-deceasing. Or if you're married, what happens if you divorce and need to split assets.

No-one had dementia so wouldn't have needed paid care.

It's nice that it worked for you but many other families prefer to use paid care, which is much easier to implement if they're not living in your home/back garden where there's some distance and boundaries already established. So it's not a simple toss up between granny annexe or driving to them to do everything at all. Many DC don't even live within driving distance anyway.

Plan for the worst of every scenario.

This is what happened to my friend.

Her Mum put all her money from the sale of her small Northern home into my friends house, contributing to the overall refurb and building a beautiful studio flat as an extension. All went v well - the Mum made her own local friends and activities, kept herself to herself except when invited, but was also a helpful source of childcare for the two rising-teen Dds.

Then my friend died in sudden and tragic circumstances. So her widowed DH was living with his MIL. Good to begin with , they were close, got on, she was a huge support with the Dd.

5 years on, he is seeing someone, wants to move, can't buy her out at a level that enables her to buy her own place, she cannot move back North - too old now, all friends from there gone. It's a big unhappy mess.

What if something happens to one of you? What if you want to or need to move for work? What if you divorce? It's all very well saying these things won't happen, but what if they DO? What would the plan be?

No you don’t, not unless you choose to do it. I’m at a distance and have a FT job and children at primary school so I can’t do shopping, laundry, cooking, care or taking to medical appointments. If my elderly parent lived in my garden I’d end up getting sucked into all of that.

Um, you have all that anyway if your parents need it, but you are just driving to their house to do it instead.

I had both my parents living with us at one point and we helped one another out at different times. We always had at least one grandparent with us when I was growing up. Well rubbed along pretty well and no-one needed paid care.

If you have elderly parents that need a lot of care, however you manage it, it's a difficult phase of life.

Good grief, no, don’t do it unless you are utterly devoted to them. FIL lives next door and honestly I would give an arm for him or us to be somewhere else.

You will get no respite, you will have to battle harder than normal to get SS to support, all medical staff will believe they have 24/7 care from you and need no-one else, and you will simultaneously feel like you can never do enough despite giving every second. They can see when you are ‘free’ eg not at work, and will always ‘just need you to pop over’, you will always be the default because all family- despite promises- know that if they slack off you’re there to pick it up. Oh and when you’re ill or have an appointment of your own everyone else would love to help but can’t because the neighbour’s cat’s getting married…

Just don’t, it’s craziness.

It can work. G-Grandad lived in my G-uncle's garden next door to GD. He did come inside for meals mostly but luckily never had any major care needs. Im not sure how the ££ worked out - think it was all owned by G-uncle

Do you have a partner, job or social life? If yes, be prepared to lose them when you do this.

It worked for us, but we owned the annex, it shared utilities so counted as a granny annex and no money was put into the property by parent, only a tiny contribution per month for utilities. He had a partner he met after moving into the annex, but we made it clear from the beginning of his living in the annex there'd only be him living there and he would have to move out to live with anyone else (he chose not to, his choice) and any care would be based on him having external assistance, based on his income. It is important to clarify rules, finances, boundaries, and if it is totally separate the annex will be subject to its own council tax. I appreciate it might not work for all, but the relationship with my Dad was excellent, open and honest, so worked for us.

Heating and insulation, older people get cold and potential mobility issues.

I’m sure it doesn’t always end in tears but I’ve never seen it end well. My aunty did this for my dad’s parents. He refused to do it, which caused animosity, but he was so glad he did. She basically was at their call 24 hours a day 7 days a week. She was also extremely enraged when the inheritance was split evenly. Caused a lot of resentment in the family that really has never been properly addressed at it’s a real shame because out of all my aunts and uncles my dad and his sister were the two who were closest.

I've seen this issue come up on mumsnet before... an awful thought, but consider what happens if you die first.

All the things everyone else has mentioned! Who is paying for construction of the annexe? Do you have siblings and what happens when your parents pass away and you end up with a substantially more valuable property and there is nothing left for your siblings to inherit?

So much to consider OP. Your lives will never be private again for a start. Also legal ownership of the land/building, inheritance, siblings. What if one of your parents becomes widowed and remarries - what happens then? I know it sounds fanciful, but stranger things have happened. Generally I've seen this sort of arrangement all end in tears usually because the grandparents really won't recognise any boundaries at all.

Take financial and legal advice regarding ownership and who pays for what in the build - important for future planning re potential financing of a care home place and/or inheritance if you have siblings.

I can't advise on the practical issues (tho obviously you'll need planning permission). But do you really want to potentially be a carer? Twice over? It will take over your life, possibly for many years. And the reality is actually that proper residential care would be so much more beneficial. If you have money to spend now, why not use it to buy in services that your parents may need where they currently live?