Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

Hugs and handholds @GnomeDePlume and @countrygirl99 .
Tough times.

Is she conscious @countrygirl99? Hope the wait isn’t too long.

Waiting for an ambulance. Got to mum's and she's on the floor. No idea how long she's been there but remains of lunch are on the side table so could be all afternoon.

@NoMoreFluffsToGive that must have been so hard to go through the loss of your DM at that age. I hope you had some support to work through your feelings. So difficult when the people you would normally lean on are grieving themselves. All too often teenagers are just left to get on with it.

@Choconuttolata I think my sadness is at DM having to go through this. She was a very private woman. Now her bladder and bowel movements are the subject of routine conversation.

@GnomeDePlume I remember that my DGM became very distressed by personal care towards the end. It sounds like you are at peace with the inevitable and that is not wrong. Deep sadness, but not being overwhelmed by grief is more common I think when death is expected. You have had time to come to terms with it and spend time with your DM. I hope that you can can enjoy some calm, reflective time away. Looking after yourself is just as important on this long road.

@GnomeDePlume bless you, it’s so hard. DM died of cancer when I was a young teen, she’d been terribly ill for so long, and in the last days it really did feel like she had already gone. It was a terrible mix of grief and almost relief when she passed, terribly confusing at that age. Melancholy is a very good word for the feeling too. Such difficult times. I hope you are looking after yourself, and have a really good restful time when you go away.

DM's slow, slow slide down life's exit ramp continues. Yesterday I would say that for 95% of the time she was awake (which itself was only a small proportion of the time I was with her) she was not aware of anyone being with her.

Calmer than the previous week but personnal care distresses her and that distress lingers on for some time afterwards. No blame on the carers, I think mum's distress is because she doesnt understand what is happening.

We are still planning to go away on Saturday for 2 weeks. So I am not going to see DM for 3 weeks. It did occur to me that I may not see DM again. That thought leaves me with a feeling of melancholy rather than huge grief. DM is already long gone.

My friend's mother's first sign of dementia was seeing spiders that almost always weren't there. She'd insist that they were running across her bedroom wall. 😒

@StillNiceCardigan sorry for your loss, I hope happier memories can prevail now 💐

@NDornotND I am glad for you the the funeral went okay. I hope your DF is bearing up, it is a big adjustment for you all.

@GnomeDePlume I hope that they have taken note of your DM's distress and given her something, it isn't okay they ignore her discomfort because she is suffering quietly.

@NoMoreFluffsToGive try seeing if a GP either OOH via 111 or her own GP can do a home visit. That is what I did with DAunt after she fell and the paramedics left her at home and also DF when he becomes intractable. They sometimes listen more to the authority of a doctor.

Been off the radar as lots going on, but following you all. DF is back in hospital with a severe infection of his large bowel. There is no surgical option if he gets worse as he won't manage a general anaesthetic. They are just hoping the IV antibiotics begin to work as his infection markers in his blood are still very high. The first sign that he was getting unwell was him saying that he had been having nightmares and woke up kicking the bookcase in his living room. The second sign was when DH went to put him to bed and found a large filing cabinet pulled out in the middle of the living room. He then requested DH re-order his whole cabinet late at night. DH declined, he wouldn't make a very good secretary.

Sends a large bar of chocolate 🍫 a stiff drink 🥃to everyone.

This is so familiar - with my s-f he sees spiders/rain. When we started the process, my Mum and I called his GP and told them what was going on (from our perspective). I had PoA for Health already so it was easier from that perspective. If you don't, you could just call the GP practice and explain your concerns - they won't be able to discuss her with you but hopefully will do something. So hard.

@NoMoreFluffsToGive If you don't manage to get anywhere today do you think she'd agree to go to see her GP on Monday? When Mum had a spate of similar issues her GP was very good about getting her in to see someone for urine tests and blood tests pretty much straight away to check for an infection. Would she be more willing to go there than to hospital? If I were you I'd also tell the surgery that you are concerned about whether this is a physical problem or a cognitive problem and explain what's been happening. They won't be able to tell you much without her permission but you can pass on information and it may be enough for them to call her in for a 'health check'. It was in similar circumstances that I managed to get mum to tell a nurse about seeing and hearing things, which sped up the path to a dementia diagnosis.
This could be delirium from an infection but if it's happening often I'm afraid it sounds awfully similar to things my Mum did.

That sounds really tough @NoMoreFluffsToGive. I would give or get DH to give 111 a call, even to have it registered in the system. They may or may not send someone out, but at least if MIL gets worse there will be a record of your contact.

I’m sorry, this is such a stressful situation to be in.

The carers for my DM had a policy that meant that when they found her on the floor after a fall they had to call an ambulance, they weren’t allowed to lift her themselves, in case she was injured and they made it worse. Do your MILs carers not have the same? Mum wasn’t happy but they were able to say they had to because they’d get in trouble from the office if they didn’t. At least in A&E she’d get checked for infections and hopefully assessed further.

Its not ideal that the system, if you can call it that, relies on getting to a crisis before action can be taken, but better be admitted with an infection than a broken hip.

3rd fall in 3 days.
she refuses to call 111, as she said when she called them the other day (if she did!) they mentioned an ambulance so she ended the call (& they, having established it was a frail 91 year old who had fallen, did…. Nothing. FFS )
So once again, from 2:30 til mid morning today she was on the floor again.
The carer who found her thinks she needs to go into hospital again as she’s probably got an infection but mil refuses. At some time between the carer leaving last night and her falling at 2:30 it seems she’s been moving furniture, which she denies. She’s seeing insects (bits of fluff on the carpet) and thinks it’s all a Machiavellian plot to get her in to a care home.

DH is beyond stressed… and I have almost constant chest pains waiting for the next crisis.

Any advice welcome!!! Do we call 111 to see if a clinician can come see her? If we try and take her to a walk in she will just lie and say everything is fine… which Tbf she’ll probably also do if we call 111. Wtaf can we do? She’s swinging between nonsense (seeing wasps), lying to the carer (“my DS has just left, he’ll be back in 10 mins” - he hadn’t been yet today, or yesterday!) and seeming lucid. Showing more and more dementia like behaviour, getting ready nasty to DH.

How can we help her?!

Thank you, needed to read these comments.

Boundaries are good.

I strongly believe that we do not owe parents longterm care simply because they are our parents. We pay it forward. I love my DCs, care for them, will do what I can to make their lives easier and better.

That obligation does not stretch backwards to DM. TBH, I think she would agree. She did not provide care for her own DM. Her assets are now being used to pay for her care.

It is DB who thinks we should all be rallying round and providing her with daily entertainment. This is probably because he doesnt have DCs of his own, DM has become his child.

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE I’m at the very start of the journey. Issues have been happening since January
My DF is in the queue for memory clinic. But can’t progress because local hospital isn’t doing CT scans for adults.
My DM and DF are together in their house. DF has depression and I believe dementia of some kind. DM has a head and neck cancer. I have adhd. I don’t live nearby. I come and stay for a week or so.
I have really started putting in boundaries recently eg I only make soup in the soup maker now and all items have to be pre chopped eg frozen chopped veg and chopped chicken pieces. I used to cook DF meals. And freeze them. Now we go get ready meals. 1 because he wasn’t eating them because he doesn’t like to use the oven and 2 because he wants my DM to cook.
I am also scaling back the cleaning when I visit.
I’ve realized it’s ok not to do all the things. It’s ok just to sit with DM.
I said to friends recently I kind of hope that DF does have dementia because if he doesn’t he is basically a selfish narcissistic based on his behavior and they way he is treating DM.
It’s really ok to do less. That way the crisis comes sooner I think.
I had it put into perspective this weekend when DSis came to see parents for the day. She said it was so difficult and awful and she was relieved to leave. And I realized what I am expecting of myself isn’t reasonable and I will make myself ill if I continue.
It’s ok to step back a bit, to decline requests or to no do certain things.

Thanks. They both live with me (well in attached cottage). Which is the least worst situation given that otherwise I would be feeling all the same issues but then having to drive however many miles to sort things out. Mum and I are going to have dinner together and watch a film in my house.

He has no appreciation of what we do. Just to name a few things;

Arranged a fall clinic appointment
Arranged continence clinic referral
Ordered all the continence supplies on line and researched adult nappy inserts as he's had multiple wee accidents.
Cooked additional dinner every weekend so that he gets something he really enjoys.
Sorted out his phone on the multiple occasions he downloads viruses or malware.
Bought elastic laces and rethreaded all of his shoes
Baked multiple cakes/puddings/milk puddings for his poor appetite
Taken him to the GP
Sorted out his medication
Driven him to A&E and sat with him for multiple hours whilst he had CT scans and sutures after multiple falls (usually because he was doing something bloody stupid).

The list goes on. My Mum, obviously, has done far more as she is retired, whereas I work fulltime.

Every week there is drama and I am so damn sick of it. I'm autistic and I really need my home to be calm (as it can be with 2 smalls). But I'm the bad guy and my waste of skin Stepsister who lives in Portugal is a blooming saint, obviously.

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE no reason why you SHOULD regret. I’m sure your mother is your priority rather than him and that makes it more upsetting, having to care for someone you don’t like because someone you love loves them (wow, that turned out a bit more convoluted than I thought!). Is there no way you can leave him to his own devices (ish…you know what I mean) while focusing on your mum? Hand hold.

All gone to shit here. Step-D made my mother cry again, this time accusing her of trying to steal his money (he has a state pension and a lot of the rest of his money was cheerfully handed over to a scammer). I completely lost my temper, said (screamed) a lot of things I frankly don't regret. I would have so much more empathy if he wasn't a nasty, paranoid b*stard before he got LBD but it's just made him worse. The drugs were helping but today Mr Nasty has surfaced.

I am so done. I spent this afternoon baking to try and help with his poor appetite. He is just awful.

You have my sympathies. DM did the same for a while, wouldn't take the fall alarm or her phone to bed and then would lie on the floor til the carer arrived. She could get up with help, so they didn't have to lift her thankfully. Its very frustrating. She now takes a chair to bed to help lever herself up....

Mil had Another fall last night… but because DH had said to her yesterday that this is not sustainable she didn’t use her fall alarm, and didn’t use her mobile so didn’t message or call anyone, just waited on the floor til the carers arrived this morning and then insisted that they mustn’t tell anyone. Luckily it’s against their policies to not tell…but she’s lucky they picked her up as technically I don’t think they are supposed to. I just hope they didn’t hurt themselves doing so…

I honestly don’t know if she is making these daft decisions to not call 111 for the falls team, or not call us, or a neighbour, because she genuinely “doesn’t want to be a bother”, or if she actually is dementing so hard overnight she is too confused to remember what to do, or if this is part of some weird guilt trip for us not being there all.the.time.
Not sure what we can do?!

I'm so sorry @StillNiceCardigan