Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

I am hoping she just doesn’t like them and won’t drink them. As @AInightingale says a bout of pneumonia or other short illness which can’t be fought off due to frailty is a much better exit than having several of these illnesses which you manage to overcome because you have been given daily fortified drinks so you can exist for another year or two.

These type of drinks were tried with my DM with zero success. She had an avid dislike of milkshakes and pretty much all dairy except cheese and ice cream.

Care Homes are in a bit of a bind. Their job is to keep feeding the resident until actively told to stop.

The build-up drinks seem to be the care home's go-to @Choux. They give them to my mother who is just over 5 stone and has zero appetite. I can't say she has gained any weight in the year she has been on them - lost more actually, as she doesn't finish them, or her meals. You would be right to refuse them if that was her wish expressed when she still had capacity. It occurs to me that a very old person with no body fat is going to deteriorate very quickly if they get a vomiting bug, as the body has nothing left to dip into during protracted periods of sickness and diarrhoea. And as harsh as this sounds, maybe nature knows what it's doing when someone is that old and infirm.

I think I may start a new thread about this but as you are all very well versed in the decline of parents I would appreciate your opinion.

My mum had a CHC assessment this week as she has recently had her needs reassessed and moved from residential to nursing care. She is 93 with dementia. As part of the review I learned that:
She weighs 90lbs / 5st 10 / 41.2kg. She was never quite 5ft so is tiny but that is obviously underweight. In July 2024 she was weighed as 97lbs while in hospital. Am not sure if she then gained weight since hospital and has lost it or when the additional 7lbs was lost.
She was graded during the CHC assessment as having the highest possible level of needs for cognition and communication so the dementia is advanced. She has high support needs re mobility as well but can still walk. But she has no primary illnesses and has low support needs with food and drink as she can feed herself.
Because of her age and low BMI and mobility she has a waterlow score of 18 which is at the top end of high risk for pressure sores.

One outcome of the assessment was that they suggested she start drinking Ensure supplements to ‘build her up’. I can’t decide if this is appropriate for someone her age with advanced dementia and a relatively low quality of life. I am not sure I want to build her up so she extends her existence by several more months or years. I have health POA and she gave me authority to decide on life sustaining treatments. I know if she had a higher BMI she might reduce the risk of pressure sores but I don’t know how well these drinks achieve weight gain. She does have an appetite currently so perhaps she will enjoy them and she will see some benefit.

Has anyone any experience of their relatives drinking them and the benefits they had on their relative? Are these just part of standard nursing home protocol?

My partner works in a bar and I find out through him that one of my mother's brothers is sick in hospital. I think he is approx 80 years old and he was in a nursing home for a long time. Anyways I find out through my partner and the pub that he is in hospital. It was a message from a cousin to be passed onto me to be passed onto my mother.

He is in ICU with sepsis. I don't know what the aim is of telling me. Are we supposed to prepare for the worst here? I doubt he will be allowed visitors.

I am absolutely furious. I get a message through the pub to pass onto my mother. My mother comes from a large family of siblings and not one of them could pick up the phone to phone her to let her know. I find out through the pub from my partner yet again.

So here I am supposed to me a messager and pass this onto my mother. I know her now so much. She won't be able to cope with that information. It will result in anger, hate and bitterness and rants to me about her brothers ex wife and everything else and that will be her way of processing it. It will likely result in increased agitation with her too.

I think I won't be telling her and if his condition declines so be it. I will let her know if there's anything else final from him that's if I hear from the pub.

I am furious. I hear second hand information from the pub. This has been happening for a few years.

I think maybe some of my mother's siblings are not happy with my mother and with the way she is and the fact that she can't maintain contact or a relationship with them however they have no idea that I am highly suspecting dementia with my mother. It's something I am not able to announce to the family because it will likely be viewed as gossip and if my mother hears it back, it will be another thing for hate for her.

@MybosswasMrMcGee you’re definitely in the right place. This group has kept me sane (ish) over the past year.

@Choconuttolata thanks for asking. The DPs settling into care home is actually the inverse of what I expected. DF seems happy enough- more so when we discovered that the care home cafe serves wine in the afternoon- probably a good thing he’s unlikely to remember where it is without me. The place was full !
DM is very unsettled and has a catalogue of woes about the staff who all seem very nice to me. I think there’s a few things going on - she finally had some nice carers at home and the new ones are struggling to understand her because English isn’t their first language and her speech is much worse than she thinks, also I think managing the bits of paperwork that came through the door gave her something to do oh and worrying about DF. I have given her a big print puzzle book and she seems to like that because she grabbed it and started doing some.
Physically they are both much better now they are getting regular appropriate sized meals.

So probably about as good as I can hope for and it’s a 5 minute drive which is so much easier. I thank goodness every day that they could afford this option now they finally agreed to it.

Hello and welcome @MybosswasMrMcGee - sounds like you're in the right place.
So sorry @GnomeDePlume - it's horrendous.

My DM was also put on a palliative care pathway after a trip to A&E from her care home with heart failure in January, but is still with us. She seemed to be improved after they stopped all her meds except for pain killers and diuretics, but remains confused, anxious, and mentally unstable. She can no longer stand or walk and is completely incontinent. It's no life really.

DF (90) is living at home and has recovered well from his surgery, although his mental decline seems to be accelerating, which is worrying- i blame the general anaesthetic...

My mental health has been saved by DB, who came and stayed with DF from December until last week, when he went back home (300 miles away). He definitely needed a break and has been an absolute godsend- so i guess he's the exception that proves the rule 🙂

Anyway, in the thick of it again now. Latest dramas include DF leaving his wallet in a public loo, so i had to cancel all his cards and try to get replacements ordered. Plus £120 in cash was nicked. This has left him with no access to any funds, so I am also having to pay for stuff until new cards arrive. There is also a D&V bug at DM's care home, so they are recommending not to visit. DF wants to go anyway, but it would be a real problem if DH and I get it, as we run a microbusiness (i.e. just me and him) and everything would have to stop, which means no money coming in. Think I have persuaded DF not to go, but don't trust him not to go up in a taxi and not tell me... he completely ignored lockdown rules during COVID...He has innumerable appointments he expects me to take him to...the one I told him I couldn't (pre-booked appointment with DS), he went in a taxi and had his wallet nicked. I told DB, but now feel guilty for not letting him have a proper break.

Sigh. Sorry, I don't post often, but I follow the threads.

@MybosswasMrMcGee you are absolutely in the right place. Feel free to rant, to vent. There is no judgement here.

We had the assessment last week in Mum’s care home. We are at a later stage than myopic as Mum could hardly speak. .Two daughters attended and nurse just took details from us. Asked some basic questions of Mum, that she could not answer. Nurse phoned us back and confirmed diagnosis. Going back today for her to inform Mum, dreading this. One thing I did was make a list of examples of mental state, when she had delusions, paranoia and hallucinations and gave to the nurse with a rough timeline. To be honest in our case the dementia was very obvious and question was which kind. There will then be a care plan with medication.
Sending you best wishes in the hopeless situation we share. As a family we are on our knees

Thank you BestIsWest

@MybosswasMrMcGee you are definitely in the right place. Feel free to vent and you won’t be judged, it’s all familiar territory.

@GnomeDePlume I am sorry for all your sakes. I hope you are getting to spend some of your own time focusing on the joys of life however small, rather than spending all your time watching and waiting.

@rookiemere how are your DP's getting on in the care home.

DF is doing better since finishing his antibiotics for the latest UTI, more demanding again, but still confused. He demanded DH go over there yesterday to throw away a drawer full of old phones. It turned out they were remote controls for items that still work that he wanted to keep. He can't use them due to his eyesight, but they are a backup in case the one he uses stops working.

Is it ok to pop my head round and say hello?

I’ve been on MN for many, many years and have been aware of the Cockroach Cafe for a while. I have had a look now and then but I think it’s time for me to come by a bit more often (sometimes hard for me to follow as I’m in carers burnout and have adhd so my brain often just shuts down from the stress but I’ll try to keep popping in more regularly).

I’m completely and utterly frazzled if I’m honest. My parents are in their 80’s. Mum has been suffering from Alzheimer’s now for 8 years alongside many other serious health issues. 84 year old dad is actually in good health but it turns out is much harder work than mum due to his obtuse, pig headed and outdated attitude and ways and it’s fair to say that alongside helping to care for mum for the last 6 years as well as my own health issues (and not so fun perimenopause journey), I am well and truly on my knees. I am longing to find somewhere where others feel the same frustrations, anger, heartbreak and general exhaustion from helping their elderly parents navigate their own struggles.

Am I in the right place?

@rookiemere thank you.

It is like some strange form of torture. Designed to up end normal sensibilities. No longer wanting your relative to live, instead wanting them to die to end the torture.

And we are all being tortured. For DM, her personality, intelligence, dignity are all gone. For DB, his beloved DM is slipping away but still he hopes and wishes her to get better. For things to go back to how they were. For me this is simply a long drawn out duty.

@GnomeDePlume if it wasn’t for the fact her DB is of the more common utterly useless variety rather than the denying physical reality type, I might have thought you were my friend.

Back in December when we met up for a boozy lunch, she got the call through from the care home that they didn’t think her DM had much time left, and yet here she still is. I am sorry it must be so agonising for everyone.

DM had a good day yesterday.

By this I mean that she mostly slept, ate about 50% of what was offered to her and was washed and changed.

@TrayofRoses
Move out.
Your mother is causing you a lot of distress and is adding nothing positive to your life.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds terribly difficult for you.

I came home from work this evening and there was no conversation from my mother and at about 9pm she just got up from her kitchen chair and left the room. She went to bed without talking to me it's so odd.

Yesterday she broke out in an odd intense spell of OCD moving furniture around to a poor location in the home right behind the front door so you can't open it fully. I didn't crititise what she did by the way. This along with some intense anger directed at my half sibling (born to my brother).

I really think she is experiencing a UTI now.

So far to date, the pattern is an increase in odd behaviours and angers and she just eventually realised there is something wrong herself and she goes to the doctor.

I did suspect she has a UTI.

I tried going to the pharmacy before for a antibiotics but they won't prescribe them to me because it's not for me. They need to speak to the person themselves.

I am not able to be open and honest with my mother and say I think she might have a UTI, she will only just be angered.

I remember an incident about two years ago, she was behaving more oddly and she was more angered. Eventually she came to me and asked me for a supplement for a UTI. I was trying to encourage her to go to her doctor or pharmacist and she was refusing to and she was just so angry and bitter.

Eventually I had to go to the doctor for myself and I came home swinging a bag from the pharmacy and talking highly about the lovely lady doctors in the local GP surgery and how good they are. Which prompted her to make her own gp appointment. And it was like reverse psychololgy.

I wrote this in the previous thread that got full and closed.

My mother is in her 70s and I have years of observations. There's stuff that is just not right or normal. There's something wrong but it's not a typical memory loss. It's behavioural and emotional issues, poor comprehension, poor executive functioning, OCD, spatial awareness issues. There is something seriously wrong.
I am the only one at home seeing this. All my siblings live abroad. She can act in front of them on the rare occasion they do fly home.
I am dealing with a situation. Basically a half sibling built a garage on another siblings plot of land without permission. We knew for a few weeks. Since then my mother has built a tremendous level of hate and anger towards that lad who is a son to her ex husband.
She is like a tempered tantrumed toddler on steroids when talking about him.
I don't talk about him or raise the subject. She was angry a few weeks ago and it faded from her mind and her anger has renewed yet again about him and his illegal build.
My siblings abroad wants me to go to his land and take more pictures of the illegal garage. This isn't an issue for me.
My mother is someone who is like she's on steroids. There was torrential rain on Sunday and and she wanted me to do the task last Sunday but I don't own a car. It made no sense walking a few miles in torrential rain.
She wanted me to do take pictures this morning and I was going to do that but my partner led me astray for a few hours this morning and I just didn't get around to doing it.
I think the weather is due to be dry tomorrow morning. My mother is now insisting that she comes with me. She is likely trying to get a hold of my half brother who build the garage. She just wants to launch an attack at him a d order him to take it down. Don't bother eating lunch - TAKE IT DOWN NOW AND DONT SLEEP OR EAT OR DO ANYTHING ELSE UNTIL IT IS DOWN.
He knows what he did is wrong and I think he is just trying to get some time out of the land. I think.
I am in a place where I feel like I need to keep them separate because she won't stop until that man is hanging from a piece of rope. No joke.
Her anger and response is just not appropriate to the situation that is there.
So what will I do?
Do I entertain my mother and go to the plot of land tomorrow morning and take pictures. There really isn't any need for her to go. She just wants to get angry and then stay angry. I won't be able to listen to her.
Or will I plan my morning tomorrow morning to get up at the crack of dawn, get ready and leave for an very early morning walk before she gets up out of bed and do it then? She doesn't even know how to use any form of technology or phones or cameras. There's no need for her to come to supervise me taking pictures. She just wants to put herself into a position to become RAGEFUL. If I was to leave for about 8 am. I could get home for about 10 am and it will all be done and my ears and head would be saved from a nerve ending loop of hate.

Does anyone know how I can handle this for tomorrow morning:

The option is to entertain my mother's request and go for a walk with her to my brother's land to view an illegal shed but be on the receeiving end of someone who can't regulate her emotions and be on the receiving end of her vitriol for hours. There's also a risk of her meeting my half brother and her dishing out trash and she won't stop until he bulldozes the whole lot that very minute she wants.

Or get up earlier than usual and try and avoid that? Then go back home later in the morning with the pictures that I am supposed to have and claim I wasn't able to sleep early in the morning so I got up early and went for a walk to the beach and then stopped at my brothers field for the pictures.

I haven't been on this thread for a while, I've been catching up on everyone's news. I am very sorry for your losses both @FiniteSagacity and @unsync.

My Mum seems to be doing ok. She is becoming more quiet and less passive aggressive/martyrish which I suspect is a sign of decline but tbh is much easier to cope with. We are also managing to get her to take her meds some of the time, maybe five days out of seven, but she's not using the glaucoma eye drops at all because there's no-one there to remind her at bedtime.

@bigdogpaws sadly I think we have more than one poster with deluded DBs on this thread! I hope the memory assessment goes well.

@unsync @FiniteSagacity condolences.

Welp I disgraced myself today by more or less shouting at her. However, this seems to have cleared the air a bit.

I'm trying to get more protein into her in the hope of helping the bloody horrible leg ulcers to heal. A week of protein drinks and one leg is now out of the dressings. I'm leaving it up to her as to whether she gets herself more of them, but have done a meal plan for the next week.
This meant lots of looking up nutritional values and writing "with grated cheese on top" quite a few times. An appropriate online order has been put in, a day by day menu written out. And yet again I have nagged her to engage Fabulous Cook Carer to batch-cook for her.

Trouble with leg ulcers. The people treating them have very rarely suffered from them. So they blithely say "oh the DN will put a compression stocking on that leg". They're not there when it hurts so much at 1am (and is too tight to be got off) that the patient rings 111 in agony and desperation.

@GnomeDePlume yes, I have said it is non negotiable, if she's determined to return home, this is the arrangement. Anything less will risk her immediate safety and in the slightly longer term, her health.

The problem is, I say it and DF says he'll back me up but then gives in.

@FiniteSagacity sending

@GnomeDePlume Thanks, that's good to hear. When we went to the GP I was expecting a more detailed assessment as we specifically booked to see her about concerns over cognitive ability. The GP questions didn't really touch on what is concerning about mum's abilities. For example, she was asked if she knew roughly what time it was. Of course she did- she had been asking me what time the appointment was every day for weeks and I'd been reminding her all morning to encourage her to get ready. Which of course is the problem- mum can look at a clock and name the time, or remember an appointment time, but if I say 'be ready to leave at 11am' I can guarantee if left to her own devices she will still be in her pyjamas and won't have been to the loo/brushed her teeth/got her bag together etc. She will then be genuinely shocked if I tell her this means we will be late and/or don't have time for a cup of tea before we leave, and will really not understand how this has happened. She was previously a stickler for being on time so this is a big change. Similarly if she calls me at 3am I have to explain to her why this is not a good time for a chat- she knows what time the clock says and that this the middle of the night but can't seem to understand why if she's awake other people aren't (or don't want to be).

At least the GP did refer us for further assessment though. Mum's had blood tests and CT scans already.

[As a side note, just noticed I have once again failed to log in to this new thread using the same username as the last thread. Posters may remember me a woman with a deluded brother who is convinced mum will be fine soon]

Sorry for your loss @FiniteSagacity. I like that he was still able to tell you off even so near his end. Remember we are here to support for what comes next too. 💐