Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

Thanks @MysterOfwomanYand @CrazyGoatLady- wasn’t prepared for the job of “parenting” my parents. I so get her anger and frustration, it’s very annoying it’s come at a time where there’s no longer any recourse to hold my father responsible for his actions over the years now he has dementia - I mean, what’s the point!

Yep mum definitely doesn't know what day it is. Or even what time of year. Took her to Tesco yesterday evening and got the comment "it's getting dark already. Nights are really starting to draw in now".

@Raven08 well done on the job.

@GnomeDePlume I got laughed at by the ward staff when I suggested DGM apply for CHC, but if DM is palliative it's worth applying for Fast Track. Age UK may be able to advise?

@inigomontoyahwillcox the emotional support element is hard. Despite having trained as a psychologist, I hate emotionally supporting family and I don't want emotional support from them either. Parentified child trauma I guess! It's hard because they often do just want us there and looking after them, but we can't give up our own lives, neglect our own families, etc. I was the main focal point of my DM's life as she was a single parent from when I was 6, but I do think she is struggling with knowing that as she ages she won't be the main focus of mine and she has to share me with DH, DC and the demands from DF's side of the family.

Anyway, that was a long winded way of saying yes, I get it, being the emotional support as well as everything else is bloody tough.

I'm in bed with an IBD flare up at the moment and have been off work. The last few weeks have caught up I guess. Seen the GP and he's given me some prednisone. Hopefully it'll calm down in a few days.

@inigomontoyahwillcox the emotional bit? Aargh God yes. Actual practical stuff (examples cut for length!) yeah fine whatever, what goes around, comes around and so on.

The emotional stuff has got better but it's still a problem that bubbles under.

You said the result of a 50 something abusive (coercive) marriage and unable to make a decision/take action herself
And that soo rang a bell! The marriage wasn't abusive in this case but they both, through no faults of their own, came from unhappy families and didn't learn how to manage emotions and focus on what matters. Couldn't learn from each other, see :/

Her leg ulcer news is relatively good today. Perhaps stuffing protein down her with the aid of incessant nagging from afar is helping ? Fingers crossed eh.

I am drafting another week's meal plan in case it's needed.
It's an interesting exercise, as stuff has to come from Waitrose (where the online shop is done), not involve stuff which goes manky in the fridge in two minutes, and crucially, be very simple to put together.
Roughly the older the carer, the more capable and game they are. Youngsters tho...

I am not judging here, I was exceptionally gormless and lacking in common sense as a teenager!

But again, my ER grumbles but doesn't take any initiative, like zimmering into the kitchen (which she absolutely can) and bossing them around a bit talking them through what to do. She's meant to take more exercise anyway so it would be win-win...

The discharge team applied for it for my DF. There is info online about checklist which is the first part of it, if you reach a certain score threshold you go forward to the full assessment. DF scraped through the checklist stage (scored the exact minimum you need to progress). I was involved as was the discharge home he was in by then. I did my research beforehand and did feel it was a fair assessment to be honest, Dad scored the max on a couple of things but nothing on several and the lowest on others. So he didn't get through the full assessment. I also attended this with his care home staff and pushed hard where I felt it was justified and they did take my views seriously but again it was a case of only having high scores in a couple of categories which wasn't enough. He does get funded nursing care and the top rate of attendance allowance though which makes a dent in the nursing home fees, I think about £400 a week off them.

The care home applied for it for DM when she was discharged from hospital and moved to palliative care and got it. They told me after it was done, which was surprising, but welcome. I think once you're on a palliative pathway you should be eligible. Having said that, it covers less than 2/3 of the fees - CH gets around the fact that it is supposed to completely cover care by saying that the remainder is for 'hospitality' rather than care 🤔 Also, it will be reviewed after 12 weeks and can be revoked. My cousin told me that happened with her mum.

We aren’t at that stage yet but from my limited research it sounds as if it’s very much a postcode lottery as to whether you get it or not. It also sounds as if most are turned down at first and you have to battle. There was an article the other week about it.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/money/article-15374535/How-YOU-loved-ones-care-fees-paid-NHS-without-selling-home-Lorraine-got-200-000-living-nightmare-experts-reveal-exact-form-words-use.html

put it into archive.ph to read it

A quick question please? Has anyone any experience of applying for CHC please? I dont know if DM would be eligible. Reading through the checklist I think DM scores at top level on a number of counts.

I suggested it before to DB but just got batted away with some waffle about incontinence pads.

Is this something we need to apply for via GP or something I need to kick off?

Welcome newcomers! My load has recently become lighter after DPs moved into a care home very close to me a couple of weeks ago. Honestly I feel like I am finally getting my life back and in fact my relationship with my DPs as an adult DD rather than admin, maintenance and shopping gopher.

I am slightly annoyed by foreign cousin calling the task of clearing out their house “an overwhelming task, that will feel like a second job for a while” after I sent some nice photos I had found. Thankfully copilot drafted the polite version of no it’s a lot easier than driving an hour each way, not knowing what I will find when I get there with both DPs having a form of dementia , running two households including paying bills, organising cleaners, gardeners, home hairdresser, organising food shops and trying to clear fridge of mouldy food and taking them to all medical appointments and increasingly getting muddled phone calls day and night from DM who is practically incomprehensible now, so spoiling any nights out and trips away.Oh and not being entirely sure if they are eating properly, washing themselves or clothes at all ( care home has confirmed that no is the likely answer to all 3).

I mean after all that, working through some paperwork and old photos is a breeze, as I don’t particularly want to go inside the house again we used a house clearance company for the rest of it. But I know she meant well and unless you’ve actually been through it you can’t imagine how it is.

Oh, and the full time job - forgot about that! Which I’m constantly distracted or interrupted by calls from various health or social care professionals; dad is currently in hospital (gallbladder keeps getting infected) - medically fit to come home but am arguing with them about who is going to move his bed downstairs after they said their minor works team would do it. I’m a 10 hour round trip away from them (hence the planned move) and mum and I couldn’t do it anyway (DH can’t take time off work at the moment).

Does anyone here find the emotional support element really hard? I regularly have calls from my mum (or face to face when I drive up) who is very angry with her lot, or struggling with depression to the point that sometimes she declares to me that she’s gonna throw herself off a cliff or jump in front of a lorry (she’s been prescribed antidepressants but always finds a reason not to take them). We’ve been connected with the Admiral nurses and our assigned nurse Is a superstar, but Mum only ever opens up to me about her true feelings, saying that “she wants looking after and I’m the only person that can do that”. So when we’re with the professionals, she just clams up and isn’t upfront about how much she’s struggling, which makes it really hard to advocate for her.

Hi everyone, been a while since I posted but always reading to remind me that I am not alone.

DG now 97 has been pulling the cord for ambulances as she feels unwell, this has started since another resident told her there were no staff there overnight, there never has been, but this seems to have put the absolute fear into her.

As always it started with stomach pains, I urged her to put a urine sample in, she never did. Then it was I'm not doing the toilet enough, I gently explained you only get out what goes in and she hardly eats, a few weeks go by of us begging her to eat better (not more as we appreciate she has little appetite), she then tells Dad she has been to the chemist and go laxatives, we both jumped into the cars and headed straight there, it wasn't thankfully, just lactulose.

Seen by a nurse, had an ecg and chest xray, all clear, started with back pain, seen by a nurse, they believe it's muscular, pain killers.

Walks to town to buy potatoes, shoulder is sore, and she is wincing, got her to the doc, she's convinced it's her lungs because it hurts when she breathes, explain it could be ribs / spine, xrays last week and it's mild osteo and a wedge fracture, no it's my lungs.

Anyway, these legs I need to see about them they are quite swollen, they are no different to how they were 10 years ago when you seen the doctor, but clearly needs to have her next ailment lined up.

We're doing her shopping, she's so annoyed she doesn't get to go but isn't fit just now, I don't know how we can get her to accept she is getting older and she can't do what she always has.

Thank you - helps to write it all down!

@Raven08 well done on the job!

@inigomontoyahwillcox oh my goodness, that all sounds incredibly difficult.
Welcome to the thread.

Am so glad I’ve found this.

Sure my story resembles may of yours; elderly parents, Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia, one parent on the verge of a total breakdown due to the pressures of looking after a man who was already VERY difficult, falls, random infections and hospital stays, trying to manage their house move close to us with one parent lacking capacity (I do have PoA along with my DM) and the other the result of a 50 something abusive (coercive) marriage and unable to make a decision/take action herself.

No sibling to help as my brother suffers from psychosis and depression and in and out of hospital himself. Am also keeping his plates spinning (although have had to take a step back and rely a lot more on his metal health team as I can only do so much).

What with that, a teen with adhd and a DH with MH problems himself (attempted to kill himself 2 years ago, a lot better now but still very much keeping a close eye on him) and the effects of perimenopause I am close to breaking.

<Makes mental note to buy birthday card for self for DH to give to DPs to sign for forthcoming birthday >.

Well done on the job @Raven08 I enjoy my wee part time jobette. It gets me out of the house, earns some money and best of all takes my mind off things. Although fingers crossed we are through the worst of it, it’s now just endless paperwork, phone calls and buying things for them at the care home. At least sorting out the house and papers is a useful once and done process that we shall not need to repeat. I can’t remember if I said on here, but I actually had a pleasant visit to the care home yesterday, DM was much more settled and we chatted for a good few minutes until she got obsessed about something.

I am being harassed by their previous council as the care home asked us to bring any special equipment they used, apparently it was on loan and me offering to pay for it was not acceptable. DH threw out DMs inflated lilo bed thing as it smelled.

I'm another who has observed my brother's 'conversations' with mum and why he doesn't notice that what she says is becoming increasingly odd. He tends to just tell her how she should feel/what she should think and she just agrees, or rants about how hard things are for him without her help and she says she will help again when she's better/agrees that extended family should be helping them both. So he will leave the 'conversation' believing that they've had a good discussion about something whereas she's just nodded and agreed, or occasionally complained about other people. Whereas I see it as a sign of her decline that she is complaining that relatives that they've barely seen or spoken to in years are not offering to effectively become carers for her/unpaid childcare for him. Eg. 'You're fine aren't you Mum, you just need a bit of company sometimes don't you? You would hate to have strangers in your home wouldn't you mum? We haven't heard anything from [relative with her own children and job] for a long time have we, and she said she'd keep in touch didn't she. She's another one who goes off on holidays without a care in the world whilst we have to deal with everything here'. etc etc. Which B interprets as 'Mum and I had a good chat about her health and whether she needs carers and she says she really doesn't. She's very disappointed that her family keep letting her down though and I think she's right.'

Mum has forgotten my birthday a couple of times, but years ago...she wasn't elderly and frail then, she just didn't care! 🤣
I'm sorry for those whose parents did care and now can't remember, that must be tough 💙
Been to see mum, she's had a bad few days with her stomach again.
I casually said "I hope those test appointments come through soon.."
She just said "we'll see".
She's stopped taking the dietician prescription drinks
🤷‍♀️
Up to her.
I'll pop in again tomorrow and that's me done til next week ☺️
I got the temp job - it'll be some nice cash to sort out my awful bathroom shower.
Was at dhs aunts house for over 4 hours yesterday and there's still so much to do 😕
She had whole dinner services (5)
Wedgwood, colclough, spode...they never entertained! Ever.
Lots of car boot nasty stuff too that just got binned.
Sigh.
I don't want to leave my kids a mess like that pils are as bad
😕

I know what you mean @BestIsWest I didn't expect my DF to remember this year TBH I knew that he was too confused. I did expect my DB to at least phone me, instead I got a text message late on the day and a promise to phone me the next day. He didn't bother phoning.

My DB also says my DF is fine because he sees him every 6 months and DF doesn't really do small talk anyway so grunts, yes/no answers is what you would usually get from him. It will be a shock for him when we eventually get an appointment at memory clinic and they give him a dementia diagnosis. We see him several times a week so the change in him is glaringly obvious.

@GnomeDePlumemy DB does this. Denied there was anything different about “D”M as she seemed fine to him. It was only when I was staying with him and he phoned her whilst I was in the same room that I realised their phone “conversations”‘consisted of him talking about himself, with her occasionally agreeing or echoing back something he’d said!
Whereas I let her talk and can see how much she repeats or what doesn’t add up.

I was pleased to see that DM has written my birthday in her diary. Last year my brother bought her a card to write for me but the year before I had nothing. TBH. I was more upset at DB because his birthday is a week before mine (and follows his DW and DD’s birthdays) for all of which I’d bought cards for DM to write and arranged presents.

@countrygirl99 I understand. It isnt simply a birthday.

DM was chatty yesterday but making no sense. Asking if I had seen various relatives who were dead long ago.

I have realised that the reason DB thinks DM is not as bad as I think is that when he talks to her he doesnt give her much of a chance to speak. When she does say anything so long as she is agreeing with him 'Do you remember XYZ' 'Yes' or she echoes something he has said then to him that means she understands.

When DM is allowed to chat away then you realise that what she is saying is pretty much nonesense.

I should be grateful as she's forgotten both my brothers for a few years now but mine is on a date that was significant for other reasons so was remembered. Now that doesn't register either and it's one more notch on the downward path. Like me taking her to the same Tesco every 2 weeks and every time getting "I've never been here before"

@countrygirl99 💐

Looking back, forgetting birthdays was one of the first signs that things were on the skids with DM.

Taking it year by year, the first year she only remembered the day before and sent me 'next day' flowers (expensive and very unlike DM). The following year she forgot and was embarassed as she had also forgotten DGD's birthday which is the following day. The year after that she forgot both and just shrugged.

Birthdays had always been a big thing for DM. No treats during the year but treats, special food etc for birthdays. So forgetting was significant.

DB brushed it off at the time. What I dont think he realised was that DM was forgetting 3 birthdays as DF and I shared our birthday so the date was significant to DM.