Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

I am never going to turn my nose up at shared housing. Even rooms in shared housing is low and anything that is available it's so expensive. A room that used to be about 300 or 400 euro 10 years would be a grand nowadays and it's just so expensive for what you get. I used to rent before.

To make it all worse one of my siblings who live abroad bought a mobile home for the back yard to use as a holiday home and I offered to buy it to get my own space but he and my mother are having none of it.

My posts are written to highlight that there's major disfunctions going on with her but I am getting no help towards a diagnosis because everyone would like to see memory loss from her.

I hope to take a few weeks off soon for sick leave because I am really not in a great place. I am definitely teaching a place of huge mental distress and a crisis. It's not just in relation to home. It's my work. I can get extrememely intense.

When I get time off, I hope to explore some options. I think there is a programme or assistance available to help people explore work and accommodation in mainland Europe so I am going to get into that.

I am booked full time, left right and centre for the Easter and I really don't think I can cope with that schedule if being worked into the ground.

I agree with this and was going to post similar.

A house move for a dementia patient is always a disaster because they don't recognise anything about the new place and become much worse.

@inigomontoyahwillcox Is there no possibility for your DF to move to a nursing home ? Even with carers if he is falling often then it’s hard to see how he can manage. Plus a house move is a huge upheaval, it might be less unsettling to do one move only.

@TrayofRoses
Surely even a room in a shared house would be better than your current living arrangements?
I have family in Ireland and I'm well aware of the housing issues, but a room in a shared house (which seems very frowned on these days) was the first step leaving for name people my age 🤷‍♀️
Dhs aunt is very ill. She's nearly 90, and had outlived her dh and only dc 😕

Still trying to find care so dad can return home - hitting a lot of brick walls. The minor works team came and moved his bed downstairs so it's just this last piece of the puzzle that needs resolving. I'm understandably getting calls from various people asking what was going on, as he's now bed blocking, but I can't let them send him home for mum to look after without support. He is now walking independently with a frame - but when mum visits him he just follows her around - it's reminded her of what she's in for when he gets home and she is terrified.

Their house is going on the market tomorrow - mum just needs to show them the PoA certificate and sign some documents, photos have already been taken. I have a house in mind to put an offer on for them; after 2 years of trying to get them to move down here before they weren't able to take an active role in the process they've finally just put the whole process, including decision making, into my hands - just means they can blame me for anything they disapprove of!

He had another fall today - in the bathroom on the ward. He's fine, but this is just the way it's going to be I think. Am enquiring whether there is a rapid response falls team in their area as I don't want him using up 999 resources if he falls (but is uninjured) and just needs help getting up.

Thank you. The annoying thing is that this shouldnt have been an issue. The combination of BS from 'know it all' nurse and DB's inability to deal with things directly (I think he is slightly scared of the male nurse) meant that it became more of a 'thing' than it needed to be.

Thanks everyone. It's good to hear that having 2 people to accompany mum won't be a problem- I was slightly worried that they'd say there could only be one.

@Choux The assessment's not in the memory clinic, they're coming to mum's home, but I've been told they will be assessing for the same things. From what you've said it sounds like a lot of it will be objective assessment of what she can do, so B won't be able to influence it. He will, undoubtedly, try to answer for her and take over any discussion but I guess the assessors will have ways of dealing with that. When she had a social care visit ago it was rather embarrassing as B kept answering questions that I am sure were asked more to get an idea of how mum communicates rather than actually wanting to know the answers (eg. asking where she grew up etc).
Mum's had a CAT scan and numerous blood tests etc already and my understanding is they showed no obvious cause for her symptoms. Her biggest issues are delusions and processing skills rather than memory per se but I assume they will ask questions or have tests to look at that too. The issue of delusions is where I fear B will try to down play things the most- he's already told me he believes her auditory hallucinations are 'probably sounds from the street' delusions are 'just nightmares Bigdog, you know she's always had vivid dreams' and this was only for a short period of time and has stopped now. In reality she had delusions with hallucinations every single night for weeks and now refuses to be alone after dark. As long as she is not alone she doesn't get frightened but she has told me that she still sometimes hears things but 'makes them go away'. This is where I can see B will insist that mum agrees with his version.
I think the idea of having a quiet word with the assessor, or sending them some information afterwards is a good one. B can come across as very plausible and sincere on first meeting.

I'm getting ready for work now and my mother got rid of the huge pot of water she had on the cooker. She did use some of the water but at a guess it was 3 quarters full. Just got rid of it. It's so mindless. But that's the executive functioning and planning. It's so bad.

Are people here familiar with sundowing? I think it's increased agitation in the afternoons. Is that it? Although I dont ah e a diagnosis for my mother I really think I am witnessing sundowing with her. There is increased OCD, and just trance like states every afternoon. She's in her own world of OCD. Every day from about 1.30 onwards - it's the same thing. Increased OCD. Dragging furniture around, banging stuff around the home, even doing stuff that is dangerous like walking on the kitchen counter tops being OCD.

I am in Ireland. Are you familiar with the housing crisis there? There is fuck all places to move to except. Suicide is likely the only saftey net from living under a bridge or on a street.

As well as an interview for my mums dementia assessment, they did an MRI brain scan. This confirmed the diagnosis of Alzheimers as the doctor (and we) could clearly see the damage to the brain caused by the disease. And I agree with others that it's important to convey the truth of the situation if its not what the person/ partner say, and this can be done by email afterwards if needed. Obviously professionals are very used to hearing a distorted perspective from patient or some family members.

Is it the memory clinic appointment @bigdogpaws? I sat in on my mum’s in 2019 and my dad was also there although I can’t remember if he stayed in the waiting room or came in. It isn’t a discussion about her behaviour your B could provide input to or that either your B or DM could use to mislead the assessor. It’s a test that only she looks at and provides answers to. I recall one part being a page with lots of pictures on, the type of pictures in toddlers books and she was asked what the pictures were. I recall a few she couldn’t name or got wrong:
she couldn’t name a kangaroo
she called the yacht a boat
she said the owl was a bird but ‘I am not sure what kind of bird as I am not very good at bird names’

i would think it might be quite enlightening for your B to be there and see what gaps she has in her memory and vocabulary.

Editing to add that I don’t really remember the results appointment where we got the diagnosis of my mum but I do remember the appointment where we got the diagnosis for my dad in 2022. That was much more of a discussion where the clinician tried to speak primarily to my dad but did a lot of double checking with me if I understood, agreed with what my dad was saying, had any questions etc

@TrayofRoses I can only repeat what I said in my previous post - FFS move out.
Your mother's behaviour is wearing you out.

Oh, and mum used to get bit overwhelmed by the whole appointment thing so she didn’t really seem to notice what I said. As long as I kept my voice even and sounded like I was asking questions out of concern she was quite happy, especially if I threw in a few “isn’t that right mum”. I suppose if both you and your DB do that and your mum agrees with both of you even if you’re saying opposite things then that tells the medics plenty!

I don’t think it will be too much to have both you and your DB there at your mums assessment. DM’s last appointment had both me and a carer from the home there (as they were much better placed to talk about her daily habits and abilities).

I also expect that the medics will be used to dealing with families in varying levels of acceptance. Asking for a quiet word like @Isitsticky suggested is a good idea. I used to sit slightly behind DM at her appointments and I could shake my head or otherwise indicate when she wasn’t giving the full story and the medic would then say to mum “I’ll just ask Funnel if she’s got anything to add Mrs Fan”. Very tactful.

Bigdogpaws, my sister and I were both with mum when she did hers. I asked the HCP for a word in another room and described her recent behaviours. The tests are such that your brother won't be able to influence the result, unless he actually answers for her.

I am so sick of her family. She comes from a large family of siblings. They never fell out but they are hardly talk to each other any more. There's only some Christmas cards every year but that's it. They won't pick up the phone and talk or meet for tea or anything. I have e an aunt living in America who wants to come home and .y mother has the space to help her for at a few months until she can buy a place of her own to retire into. But my mother won't help her. My mother says she will look for a place to rent but she's not able to too. It's not my place to do it either. I feel so bad for my aunt. She doesn't know if my concerns and I feel like I can't be open about it in case my mother hears it back.

Last week I got a second hand piece of information through my partner who works in a bad about an uncle being sick in hospital. The underlying message was to prepare for the worse but those words weren't said.

I know from previous news within her family that's passed around, mother isn't able to manage her emotions. Like I remember a cousin having a baby and it should have been a happy time for them but my mother started ranting abuse about my cousin and it was uncalled for calling him a little dick. It was disgusting. Another time last year a different brother of hers was sick, and my mother started ranting about the messagener person. So I decided not to say anything to my mother about a different brother in hospital. I think it was the right thing to do. She wouldn't have been able to process her emotions without a bitter rant and hate. I am so sick of it. Are any of her siblings talking to each other. I just don't know. She got a call from a different sibling and he never said anything about their other siblings being sick in hospital so he likely doesn't know.

I am just so sick of them all. They are all retired and they could all behave like a social network together. Even if it's just once a month meeting but no.

I am not interested in stopping the obsession with water because that will cause more harm than good. I was told before that when they are not hurting or harming anyone, leave them be. I won't be able to stop her from 'working' with water.

It's unnerving in the sense that I know there's something wrong but I do t have a diagnosis and everyone keeps writing me off. It is stressful. She reminds me so much of a child playing with water.

In relation to the big pot, I was thinking about taking it away even last year but I never did and I just feel that I need to take it away from her sight. Out of sight out of mind. Just take it away.

First of all it's such a huge waste. Say for example of we have a water shortage again and we are asked to converse water, she won't do it. She will do the opposite of what is asked of us. I also feel like it's an accident waiting to happen.

I think I might just take it away. There's no need for it. There's a lot half the size of it and it's still large enough. It's just so bad.

He executive functioning is brutal. It is so so so bad.

The boiler broke down the week before last and she doesn't want to phone a boiler repair but she wants me to do it. So I was going to phone but then she ordered me not to until next week which would have been this week.

When the boiler broke down, there she was clearing out the room ASAP as of the boiler repair man was going to come within a half an hour. She was OCD while at the same time she was ordering me not to phone him.

Her mind is seriously broken. It's executive functioning. It's brutal. Planning and organising. It's so bad.

@TrayofRoses That sounds incredibly dangerous and is the sort of thing I'd be speaking to her GP about- you can tell them you think she's in real danger of causing herself serious injury and needing hospital treatment and they may contact her to come in for a 'wellness check'.

We have mum's full dementia assessment appointment coming up soon (she has already had various tests). They're coming to her home, which is great, but B has now decided that he wants to be there and Mum agrees with everything he says. They both want me there too as I have organised all her assessments etc and I want to be there as from experience I know that if I'm not they will forget to mention critical information, downplay her symptoms, claim that we can do all her care and come away claiming to have no idea what happens next. My question is, will 2 of us with her at the assessment seem a bit...much?

I suspect B's sudden interest in attending her appointment is down to a) a power play- he knows I don't want to be around him after his aggression towards me b) wanting to control the narrative; he doesn't want to admit that mum has dementia and only agreed that we should have the assessment to 'rule it out' c) wanting to make sure that he is portrayed as the kind caring son.

I suspect that as part of the assessment they will ask about the history of her symptoms (which include delusions). I have notes of 'episodes' as well as notes of my observations of tasks she struggles with. I'm sure that B will try to explain this all away and/or claim it doesn't happen any more. I think it's important that I am firm about this but I don't want to upset mum and make it harder to engage her in the process. Similarly, I suspect they will ask about what help/care she has and B will claim that she doesn't want strangers involved and 'we' will do whatever is necessary to look after her. I will have to make it clear that this is no true- I won't provide any more help than I already do and don't think B is able to provide everything she needs. If I was with her on my own, I know I would be able to provide tactful responses that make it clear she has symptoms/needs help without making her upset, but I know from experience that B will push against this.

Has anyone else had experience of similar issues and any tips on how to manage this without causing unnecessary distress to mum? Trying to persuade him to stay away won't work and mum will nod along to anything he says.

Welcome @Scaredeycat to the thread nobody wants to be in.

My DD and her partner actually work for the Ambulance Service , DD in the offices and her partner is an EMT so I’ll have a chat with them later. This is the fourth fall in the last year. The first time she fell I called 999 and DM ended up in hospital for months even though nothing was broken. I think she’s been exceptionally lucky not to break anything.

Can I join you in the cafe? I’m very worn down with the never ending stress and frustration of trying to support my very elderly and frail DM. We’ve never had a great relationship and she’s now hyper focused on her health/ feeling tired/ not eating and what’s someone to do something to solve the problems. Despite many £££ of NHS tests, scans, medications etc there isn’t a diagnosable underlying condition except for extreme old age. I can’t make her eat, and don’t want to effectively bully her about eating. I’ve kind of decided to drop the rope on the eating front. Can’t help feeling guilty but I’m all out of positive vibes.
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Sounds like an accident waiting to happen. I'd be tempted to take the pot away as well before she drops boiling water all over herself/someone else. Can't give any advice on stopping the obsession though as I can't stop mum's either.

Can I get some advice please.

My mother has an obsession with water. She has many tubberware boxes on the kitchen counters and every day she fills them with water to soak whatever she wants. A few months ago I even found her soaking all the household scissors. I was able to manage the situation by being excited that she found my scissors and thanking her for washing it. Otherwise they would have been left in water for hours or overnight rusting away.

She keeps buying reusable facial cleansing pads from Primark and she will stand at the sink lifting them up and down, up and down from a box of water. I think maybe soaking them would be more than enough. I don't critisise her work.

She actually reminds me of a child playing with water looking for a sensorial sensation.

She has a big massive pot that would hold approx 20 to 25 litres at a guess. Bought maybe 35 years ago. She doesn't use it for cooking any more.

Last year we had a big storm and a power cut for a week. Because the water stations are run by electricity even the water was limited. The news on the battery radio asked people to conserve water. She did the very opposite. She took out that big massive pot and filled it to the brim and boiled it on the gas cooker hob. She did that to have some hot water. However the washing didn't translate. It was only ever a bowl or two, or some plates and mugs. The majority of the water poured away and not used. When there was no need for it. The stuff could have been rinsed in a bowl of water and put into the dishwasher for when the power came back.

Anyways our central heating system is broken and the big pot is out again. Filled with water and sitting on the gas hob. Her executive functioning is awful. She will likely have the gas on all day. There is no need for that big huge massive pot of water. We have pots half the size and it would be more than enough if she felt she needed to boil water.

I think what she's doing is some sort of an old fashioned thing of boiling assive pot of water. Definitely something from her youth and childhood I think.

She doesn't use the pot every day or every week. It could be stored away for months. I need to get some advice please. When she puts it away again, I am thinking of just taking it away and not saying anything. This is such a huge waste of water and it's also an accident waiting to happen when she's boiling huge pots of water. Not to mention the gas to boil that water all day long. There's no need for it.

What do you guys think? I will be able to get a chance to take it away maybe some night when she is in bed perhaps.

If you are disposing of someone you've done away with with you don't care about dragging/dropping so not as scary as helping a frail parent.
I reckon all the paramedics knew my dad's address by heart he fell so often. Mum used to call them and then, 20 to 30 minutes later, phone me panicking because she'd "called hours ago". Even though goldenballs lived a 10 minute walk away at the time and I'm an hour's drive away (nearer 2 hours if I was in the office).

DM called for an ambulance a few times when dad fell in the night. She reported that the crew were always cheerful and happy to help, gave dad a once over for blood pressure and heart rate etc and tucked him back in bed. Said mum did exactly the right thing in calling them as they could always be an underlying reason for the fall or a broken hip to deal with.

From dads perspective he hated going to hospital so it gave him an incentive to use his frame and take care not to fall in case the crew decided he needed to be taken to A&E.