Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

Just scrolled back to find this and get the background. @inigomontoyahwillcox how frequently is he falling? I think you will need to consider that the time where he is able to live safely at home is drawing to a close.

My parents used to live in Extra Care Housing - a 2 bed flat with wet room, on site carers and management and a social group of other residents with activities. You could live there if you needed a mobility scooter, had dementia etc but the thing that made management tell you you needed to move to a care home was when you started having frequent falls. Getting older and more frail is a one way journey - falls become more frequent not less frequent.

I think you should decide on where your mum should be longer term - where she is now, near you, what kind of place could she live alone - and accept your dad will soon be in a care home.

I mean whose needs to I prioritise here? My mothers or my father’s? There is also a long history of abuse and control by my father

But a care home where? If he goes into a care home up there it will leave mum up there on her own, completely isolated. And she absolutely does not want that (she’s desperate to move). Or she moves down here and leaves him in a care home up there? Then he’ll hardly ever get a visitor as we’ll be a 5 hour drive away.

Or do you mean move him into a care home down here from hospital up there?

Every time she goes to hospital, she always comes out with a clean bill of health for her essential systems and organs, so heart, kidneys, lungs, liver etc. Apart from the underlying Parkinsons/vascular dementia she’s deemed healthy for a woman of her age (late 80s), and the only meds she takes are her Parkinson’s drugs and a blood thinner.

it does feel a bit heartless to say her exit route from this life is not clear, but she exists rather than has any quality of life. A vital organ starting to give up would bring some certainty to the situation and “just waiting” limbo we’re in.

It might have been, all the same.
Heart failure can go on for a very long time.

Just back from my first visit to DM for a few weeks (was unwell with D&V and thought it was best to stay away until completely symptom free).

Good timing because yesterday she had a funny turn - her blood pressure dropped and didn’t recover after lying down with feet elevated so she had a visit from the OOO GP. She was ok today, but very very tired. Both the home and the GP were great because they took on board that I didn’t want mum taken to hospital unless it was absolutely medically necessary. The GP rang me and said she could easily get mum admitted for tests to find out why her blood pressure dropped but didn’t think it would ultimately improve her quality of life. All the bedside tests she did were fine, so the working theory was that she didn’t drink enough yesterday. I’m reassured that mums comfort and dignity was respected and no one was pushing for over medicalisation.

She’s still hanging on there, all 39kg of her. She’s not unwell or suffering, just very, very frail. I’m almost disappointed that it wasn’t the start of heart failure.

If you are only 59 @GnomeDePlume, there is a good chance that dementia may be arrestable or treatable once we get to that age. I hope so anyway. It runs in my family and it feels like a curse. (We also seem to be 'blessed' with genes for longevity.) If govts had any sense they'd make a priority of pouring resources into research because increased life expectancy and dementia are a match made in hell.

I would far rather go years too soon than years too late.

can’t format for some reason, but absolutely this. A friend’s dad died suddenly, a little prematurely recently, and I have been thinking that maybe this is a kindness all round since it saves those last few years of dragging on. I would never say this to her of course.

FIL is firmly in the dragging on category with continuing #code browns. He’s currently refusing hospital, soaking up NHS resource with daily district nurse visits to tend infected pressure sores, and his legs which are leaking huge amounts of fluid and shedding whole patches of skin where it’s just shearing/tearing off. He refuses to sit with his legs up, won’t take the water tablets, won’t stop the fizzy drinks. Just expects endless care and fuss.

He’s obnoxious as ever, bare faced lies at every turn, treats everyone like dirt, and I bet he lives into his 90s 🤷‍♀️

Very good article. I can so relate to the feeling of not being able to fully live while the DPs are depending on me. The D&V at DM's care home has now cleared and DF and I were able to visit today. I cut both of their finger nails during the visit. On the way home, DF commented that 'she seemed quite with it, didn't she?'. No dad, she didn't. She thinks she is forbidden from eating chips and that the family of the lady in the room across the corridor will have stopped DSis going to a specific country, because they are from there, etc etc. I told DF I was on an online course today and wouldn't be available between 10 and 2. He phoned at 10.30...good job it was on silent.

Also, at what point do elderly people decide they need to discuss their toileting habits/problems with you in great detail? I have read on here about people going to deal with their elderly relatives 'code brown' emergencies. Is it evil that I am just not prepared to do that anymore? I have once or twice, but I just don't want to anymore. If DF can't clean himself up, then we will need to find a solution that doesn't involve me. I don't want to hear about it and I definitely don't want to deal with it. Still, feeling the guilt- as usual.

I would far rather go years too soon than years too late

Yes indeed. Those intervening years, ugh. Filled with deterioration in every possible way, and degradation.
Almost dying from UTIs and pneumonia, but being brought back with antibiotics every time.

It's something we say when we have pets, isn't it? Letting them be PTS a week or two early, rather than a day late.

@EmotionalBlackmail so much to nod along with in that piece.

I'm 59, my DM is mid 80s. She didnt care for her own DM. She visited from time to time to give her sister a break (DGM had dementia and died in her early 80s).

I am dreading developing dementia. When I have some headspace I am going to put in place an advanced directive to say that I do not wish to be offered any treatment (eg ABs for a UTI) if I have been diagnosed with dementia.

This will then put the onus on DH or DCs to get that dementia dx in place ASAP. I would far rather go years too soon than years too late.

That article says it all. I lie awake at night thinking how many good years do I have left, will I be like DM in 25 years time, not wanting my own DC to be in the position I am now.

In defence of dropping dead: the burden of extended care for aged parents is a heavy new phenomenon | Lucinda Holdforth
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2026/mar/28/burden-of-extended-care-for-aged-parents-new-phenomenon?CMP=share_btn_url

DB invests a lot of time and energy complaining (probably only to me) about the food DM is being fed.

He still cant understand that as DM's sense of smell probably doesnt work any more that it doesnt really matter what he thinks makes a good meal. She only really likes sweet things.

And TBH, she was a crap cook. I cant say I am bothered if the food she is given now is a bit institutional. It's no worse and frequently better than the food she served.

@countrygirl99 I find many of the carers are not blessed with commonsense or don't read the notes. I have had to tell several different carers the lockbox code and how to open it before. It really isn't that difficult to just read the notes and press two buttons.

I know. I was a bit stunned. She didn't have a yeah, you weren't in the house.clue. Alarm goes at 8.30 so if mum hasn't taken the pulls they are available when the carers arrive. Carer said mum said it doesn't go off until later so what should she do. I told her it should have gone off 15 minutes ago and to check if there were pills in the open slot. It has a clear flip lid covering the open slot and she didn't know how to get the pills out. She didn't sound overly bright as she said she didn't think the alarm had gone off as she didn't hear it but then confirmed she got there after 8.30 so yeah, you wouldn't if you aren't in the house.

Good grief.
That's odd - clearly they've never encountered a Pivotell, but it's not an unusual device, and the company should have trained all their staff on how to use them.

@BestIsWest I was at the yard seeing to my horse who is in isolation with strict biosecurity when the phone rang so for a moment I was tempted not to answer. Yard owner was making OMG faces at me and I was mouthing "fucking incompetent" at her and we were both rolling our eyes. It does explain why I had to complain to the care company that she hasn't been taking the morning meds even though they are supposed to check she has.

Haven't seen mum since Tuesday. I'll text today.
I'll go on monday and Tuesday next week, then we are away the week after.
For the first time in 12 years she isn't here for Easter and I can't wait ☺️
I'm going out with a friend tonight and start my job in a few weeks.
Busy at home doing garden and DIY stuff.
☺️

@TrayofRoses
Just love into the mobile home?
Realistically, what can they do?
It might actually force a trip over and without you there they will witness your mother's behavior?
Fundamentally - you cannot force your siblings to have the same opinions as you or see what you see...believe me, I've been there.
You first priority must now be your own mh, wellbeing and future.

Oh no @countrygirl99 really?

I was just in DMs for an early visit from a workman and experienced her being rude to the carer. Have you had a wash? Of course I’ve had a bloody wash!

She had not had a wash. She was still in bed when I got there and had not been near the bathroom. I made her apologise. My brother has said before that he’s witnessed her being obnoxious to the evening carers.

Took a call from mum's morning carer. Had to talk her through how to get mum's meds out of the pivotell🤦

It does sound very difficult @TrayofRoses. Can you video her behaviour discreetly? Then you could go to her GP to discuss your concerns with evidence. Walking on counter tops and leaving water boiling sound very unsafe.

@TrayofRoses it sounds really difficult that nobody is acknowledging there's a problem with your mum. I think people here are advising you to move out because realistically that's the only thing here you can actually control, whether or not you opt to be exposed to it every day. I don't know if you could speak to a charity like Focus Ireland who might be able to advise you about your options, as your current living situation could be described as unsafe and/or abusive in some ways.

My mother's mind really isn't great. When I was leaving for work she asked me to phone her if the plumber gets back to me how ever he hasn't even been rang yet. She's paranoid that he's just going to appear. Her mind is just so broken.