Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

@rookiemere. I understand. My mum moved from a residential to a nursing home about 7 weeks ago so I am trying to build relationships with the staff at the new place and work out which things I should be discussing with who and when so as not to get myself labelled as annoying or difficult.

@Choux DF is overall very happy in the care home so I don’t want to cause any issues in these early days. He isn’t greatly upset by it and whilst it seems particularly pointless ( if he wants sugary treats he can get them unmonitored from the cafe downstairs) I am hesitant to give him the idea that he can push against things, as it looks as if overall the structures and routine have been good for him. Plus either, DH, DS or I are taking him out for coffee or lunch at least once a week, so he has opportunities for choice that way.

It’s bizarre as he seems to have had a complete reversal of personality and is cheerfully joining in singalongs which he would have reviled up to now, so I don’t want to disrupt his good vibes.

I suspect it’s because they had their doctor’s visit earlier that week and care home are being particularly vigilant on the diets. If it becomes a real issue I will push back.

💐 for what you are enduring. Have you asked the care home nurses or GP about the expected progression? Do they already have the end of life medications ready? If that is the expected outcome I am not clear why they are waking her to feed her - surely that is prolonging things even if she only has a few mouthfuls. Could you and your brother talk to them together so he gets the medical view about what is in her best interests and what to expect from them? Perhaps when he speaks to a nurse he will get some info from her which shifts his position a bit.

@rookiemere I think you are right. The CHs will want to keep the fees coming in.

It is noticeable that there are a few empty rooms in the nursing home section of DM's CH at the moment. DM is a revenue stream.

Thinking back to the guardian article, DB doesnt want his life back because, quite frankly, he hasnt got anything in his life except DM.

@rookiemere Does your dad have capacity to tell the the care home that he understands the blood sugar impact but wants the ice cream? Frankly if you - as POA / NOK - said last week he should be able to have it and he’s being refused then I would mention it again.

”i want to ensure my parents are as happy as possible on a day to day basis even if that may shorten their life overall. Please give my dad ice cream every evening if he wants it. Also I was very stressed when I saw you were calling on Saturday night. Please can you put on my mum and dad’s records that you should only call me on evenings and weekends if it’s an emergency.”

DF is in a grump because the care home won’t let him have his ice cream after dinner any more because his blood sugars are too elevated ( suspect this may also be linked to his new daily wine consumption). They had spoken to me about it the week before and I said he was 92 and if he wanted ice cream after dinner, he should be allowed to have it. Honestly it’s ludicrous, but I am not going to argue with them on it, as I need to tell them not to call me because DM has had and recovered from a choking fit as she did on Saturday night, so they will already think me callous enough.
I guess for the care home there is a direct and measurable benefit in keeping the residents alive.

I think there is a big fear of saying 'let them die'.

Is this because of Shipman, I'm not sure.

DM has shuffled a tiny bit further down the exit ramp. She has barely any strength left, has to be woken to eat, has to be fed, has to have her cup held to drink.

And yet when she developed a bit of a cough there was talk of getting the doctor in. FFS why?

DM is frequently distressed, tearful, for no particular reason, it just comes over her then goes.

I suggested to DB that he speak to the nurse tomorrow about whether some light sedation for mum might be helpful. There was only a temp nurse on at the weekend otherwise I would have done it myself.

But of course DB doesnt want this. He wants DM's life stretched out. Until what? What is finally going to end this misery?

DM's personality, intelligence, dignity are gone but we have to keep trudging on.

I suspect she will have had words with him, yes. He lived with our parents until only a few years ago and I think would have been happy to stay if it were not for their child, but I'm sure she must want some privacy. I doubt she would be willing to join forces directly (when I've tried to speak to her before about this she's shut me down and basically told me B knows everything and can't possibly be wrong) but I'm hoping we're both nudging them in the same direction.

I'm in agreement re the Guardian article linked above. Mum's been taking numerous preventative medications for decades to avoid life threatening illnesses that she would otherwise be prone to, plus having many, many medical appointments to keep on top of her physical health and make sure the medication is still correct (with more medication being added periodically). Her life now revolves around her medication (ordering it, making sure she takes it at the right time, meals arranged around medication where she should/shouldn't eat before/after etc) and medical appointments. Her cognitive abilities are declining and she's becoming increasingly unable to do things that she previously enjoyed, plus losing interest in those things she could do. All of her energy/time, and every conversation/meeting etc with her seems to be focussed on keeping her body going regardless of quality of life. To me that seems insane. In none of her appointments has anyone ever suggested she could consider stopping some of her medication, or tried to encourage her to do more whilst she can instead of being cautious and careful. In one check up she was asked about her diet and admitted to eating chocolate most days. The advice was to cut down a little and mum and the Dr looked shocked when I said 'Your in your 80s with limited pleasures in life- eat as much chocolate as you like'.

Thanks @Choconuttolata we are too far away from FIL for caring duties (100miles) but the local siblings will need to watch out for that but they do all work FT. One is a social worker so hopefully aware of how it all works. But they didn't have any of this with DMIL because she died after a very short illness from being fully fit. Too far from my parents for daily visits too, twice a week is my absolute max and even that puts a strain.

I am sorry to hear about your FIL @ElderlyDilemmas the caring responsibilities build don't they and somewhere in it you lose yourself. You have to make it very clear to any HCP and other family that you cannot take on unreasonable extra care responsibilities to protect your reserves, so that you can be there when truly needed.

A ridiculous drama last night at DF's. He phones me saying late evening carer can't get in very panicked. I could hear someone outside in the background. Could be a key safe issue or a stranger, so I phone the agency to see what was going on. Turns out the carer had opened the door, seen his cat and refused to go in because she has a phobia of cats. Out of hours person tried to say it is because the agency didn't know he had a cat and could DF lock the cat away. DF who can barely walk from one room to the next clearly can't manage that and they have been providing care for a year now including the duty of feeding said cat. Needless to say I was pissed off and made it known as it would have meant us going up there at night to sort DF when we pay for the carer to come on the weekend in order to get a break. Luckily they realised how annoyed I was and found another carer to go instead.

Thank you @FiniteSagacity yes, we have ND (young adult) DCs and busy jobs too so it does all feel like a lot. Fortunately both our jobs are flexible.

Is your brothers DP getting a bit fed up having their “MIL” around do you think? Could they be an ally in getting the pair to face reality?

I'm feeling slightly hopeful today that Mum and B might be ready to consider a proper plan for Mum's care. Apparently they and B's DP have had a good chat and decided that the current situation 'isn't going to work for much longer'. I hope this means B accepts that mum is declining and needs at least a plan for proper care. This is the main reason I've taken a big step back recently, so that B can see the reality of the situation. Previously he's been adamant that mum should not have any paid carers and claimed he would move in to care for her if necessary. Which I wouldn't have any problem with but he seemed to think being a carer would just be a case of going about his normal life with a lovely old lady sitting quietly in the house. I'm not going to push too hard for fear of putting them off but I'm really hoping they may be ready for a sensible conversation. Of course, there's a chance that they mean that they still think no external care is needed but B's fed up with having her around and they're expecting me to step in- but I'm trying to stay positive.

Ooof. Everything I have posted on here to date has been to do with my parents (DF newly in nursing home, DM struggling to cope without him and showing cognitive decline, he went in suddenly after serious fall injuries not a gradual decline). Also in the last 18 months DH has been the responsible adult for a friend with dementia who has now passed and in that time gone through carers at home, two care homes including moving areas, medical needs (under a national specialist unit due to rarity of the type of dementia) and now execution of estate. And now on top of all that DFIL has just received a cancer diagnosis. Despite being in his late 80s DFIL is fit and well mentally and physically and lives a full and active life, he’s not in the “kinder to let nature take it’s course” category. Will have to wait and see what the consultant says but at the moment it looks like major surgery would be the treatment option. Fortunately there are a lot of other supportive family members not just us.

I am so sick of the GP writing off my concerns in favour of only memory loss when there's so much concerning behaviours.

The poor comprehension and the bad executive functioning it's just two things in a long list of cognitive decline issues and something seriously wrong.

My mother went shopping today. She can still maintain some of her interests. She's not long home. She rushed to put on a laundry wash if her jeans so that she could get them outside on the clothes line to dry. However there's only really approx another 2 hours or 2.15 hours of brightness left and not much more heat left in the day. She only just started the wash not long ago and she put the machine at a a long 60 degree wash with extra rinse. Her executive functioning is gone to trash. She really can't organise things very great. There's something seriously wrong with her and I have a lot of observations yet doctors or GPs seem to think memory loss is the only holy grail symptom for concern when it comes to older people. She did a jean wash at 60degree. I think it's just too hot of a wash and it's also a longer wash. I think it would have been better at 40 or lower and there's no need for extra rinse. She's paranoid of germs or something. I don't know what it's all about.

The electricity bill came yesterday and I am so sick of it. She's the only person doing high energy stuff. All of the laundry loads she does is 60 degrees and long washes and extra rinses. I grew up with her rarely using the tumble dryer. It was there but not used a lot. Now she's using it every day. She likes to warm the clothes she wears. I even observed her a few weeks ago warming her pyjamas for about 20 minutes. Stopping the dryer. Doing something else and then coming back to warm her clothes again.

The executive functioning is gone to trash.

While she was away in town today I managed to get some of the household laundry done and at least it was just one wash removed from her where she would wash at 60 with extra rinse.

Her comprehension is trash too. She's not able to understand the bill and she seems to think it must be me that is responsible for the the bill.

@inigomontoyahwillcox it’s so difficult when there are different urgent priorities.

I have been there. In this case I would put your DF in a care home near where they are now. It doesn’t need to be permanent, but it means he is looked after and gives you and your DM time and space to enact a move. Believe me if he comes back home, even with multiple carers if he’s falling over a lot it will be an exhausting merry go round with the hospital and the carers won’t do any of the grown up thinking in the way a care home will.
It will be easier to move him from one care home to one near you in the fullness of time .

@inigomontoyahwillcox i see the logic in that, but then it’s 2 moves for him. I agree that your mum needs to be the priority here, for the last little bit of her life she needs to get a choice for herself and to not have to be responsible for your dad’s care or safety.

In my mind I’m going to get him down here into a small house close to me that my mum likes and has a downstairs room for dad which can be used in the very short term (with carers coming in and me/DH on call and a 4 minute walk away) and then him moving into a local care home relatively quickly.

Another voice saying prioritise your mum @inigomontoyahwillcox. If your dad ends up in a care home 5 hours away while your mum is near you then at least he’ll be safe and looked after, and you can then use the breathing space to work out if/how to move him closer.

i also encourage you and your mum to explore all options for somewhere for her to live, and to not write off renting in a suitable scheme rather than buying. I suppose it will depend on how much equity your parents have, but my mum started to get very stressed by all the usual maintenance of house and garden. Renting a suitable flat would have improved her quality of life for about 5 years or so before her needs increased, but she prioritised her relationship with her excellent neighbours. If your mum wants to move anyway that doesn’t sound a consideration for her.

I agree with Choux.

You should prioritise your mum and her needs @inigomontoyahwillcox

Get her moved near you.

Your father will not cope with a move to a new house anyway, and as he's falling so often a CH is the best option for him now.

If that ends up being far away from all of you, it's not the biggest problem.

Your mum is terrified of his coming home, for many reasons.