Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

After MIL had her severe stroke she was in a care home for nearly 2 years and FIL spent all day every day there. Unfortunately he was very aggressive with the staff if they didn't act the minute he clicked his fingers and kept wanting to swap her room to one he thought was nicer for random reasons (basically every room was better than whichever one she was in at the time). After one particularly nasty episode he was told if he didn't behave his visits would be restricted to an hour a day and he decided to take her home. Which gave rise to all the foreseeable problems when MIL was severely disabled and he had an A4 long list of medical issues.

Does anyone else here have married parents with one parent in a home and one still living independently? My DF is in a home for physical health reasons, no dementia. He was admitted after several months in hospital from July last year. In all that time DM has been spending several hours a day with him usually 6 days a week and it’s not healthy for either of them, Dad is largely bedbound so a lot of the time she is just sitting in his room with him, but she has anxiety and is very emotionally dependent on him and is driving him nuts, she just dumps all her woes on him and expects him to still be taking a full role in making decisions about finances, house repairs etc. But he has handed all that over now, it is no longer his problem, he has done their finances and house repairs all his life and now he’s done with it. I hoped she would adjust to greater separation (they were always a couple that did a lot separately) but it isn’t happening. She needs to be needed and sees it as her duty to be with him whenever he doesn’t have another visit (she cannot imagine how anyone can be happy in heir own company).

I am someone who needs a box of fags, a bottle of straight vodka and a box of solpadine to try and take the edge off things.

This is extremely worrying @TrayofRoses

You must find a way to get yourself out of this situation. It's unbelievably bad for your health.

Wonder if it's ok to decline visiting.

Yes. It's always okay to choose to do something for yourself when you're worn out.

Every time you post I'm aghast. This last post of yours is worrying.
If your mother can't use the internet, what happens if you simply refuse to do her bidding, and if you positively decline to stalk your half-brother?

Does she become violent? Are you afraid of her?

My mother doesn't know how to use the internet. A few months ago we found out that my father's son born to his mistress nearly 30 years ago built a garage on another brothers land.

My mother butted in to put herself right into the middle of this because it involves one of her sons. All of this can be sorted civilly between the two people involved.

My mother's anger about my father's son (my half brother) it's unreal. She is consumed with hate and poison about him.

My mother doesn't know how to use the internet and she has me stalking the man online for her. Several times a week. He placed his illegal garage for sale online in February and it's still not sold.

This is several times a week. There's no reasoning with her. There's no need to check that often. What does it do? How does it help her exactly? Who does it serve? I have to lie to her about dead phones and no internet working. I don't mind checking maybe once a month.

This is several times a week. She is obsessed.

She won't even require about me but will dish out requests to me.

I was trying to have breakfast this morning and she she nearly wanted me to choke on it to check on my half brother and his selling ad. It's just so so so pointless.

I had to turn around and go to work and put a smile on my face and pretend everything is ok when my mother is utterly senile. It's just not presenting with memory loss.

I work in disability care and often it can be so intense. A lot of the times it's like jumping from the frying pan to the fire.

It's like being hammered in my head without being touched.

A lady I know I home from abroad with her family and they would like me to visit and it is a nice idea and it's lovely but work is being very intense on me this week. A lot with all the issues and stuff at home. It's really like being hammered into my head with 5 million hammers.

I am booked for over time for the weekend and I just just want to spend a rare piece of time off visiting people and their young children.

I am someone who needs a box of fags, a bottle of straight vodka and a box of solpadine to try and take the edge off things.

Wonder if it's ok to decline visiting.

@rookiemere I think it can go either way. Either the resident just accepts the situation and is happy with it or they think their every demand should be met.

DM herself wasnt particularly demanding but DB as her 'spokesperson' was incredibly demanding (and to an extent still is).

It is sad but I do think our parents forget who we are. Even before she stopped really speaking much DM had regressed back to a time before I was even born. So to her I'm not her DD, I'm just a friendly random. Maybe vaguely familiar.

You are right about behaving differently for different people. For DB, DM would complain, be miserable, hard done by. But I'm not sure how much this was simply for DB's benefit, he is a very negative person. And of course every minor gripe of communal living would be amplified by DM then amplified again by DB

Yet when I visited DM would be reasonably cheerful, there would be minor gripes but I didnt encourage her to dwell on these.

@BestIsWest the NHS treatment DPs received when they were at home was actually pretty amazing, so I think sometimes they are very good.

@GnomeDePlume possibly not in your DMs case but I do wonder if the elderly person presents differently based on who is there. DH has said on his last visits to the care home, DM was bedridden, unable to communicate and he felt she was on her way out. But when I visited on Sunday and today she seemed much the same as always and managed to communicate her long list of demands via writing and speech. I suspect when she sees DH she decides that he won’t be doing things for her so no point in perking up as she’s pretty transactional these days.

Apropos I wonder if anyone has any advice on this. They have been in the care home for just about 3 weeks now. DF miraculously is enjoying it and is actually a pleasure to take out for his wee walk and glass of wine, DM just keeps presenting me with a list of things she needs, majority of which could be sorted out by the care home. I suspect there are a few things going on - she is difficult to understand and her writing is hard to read so it take a bit of time for her to communicate and possibly she doesn’t feel comfortable doing that with the care home staff and/or they haven’t the patience to try to understand. Or and unfortunately I think this is at the core of it, she’s used to me doing things for her and sees that as my role now. I have passed most of the requests on to the staff and bought the stuff she needs, but is this just it and how things are ?She has dementia is pretty abrupt and demanding when she was never like that before. I mean it’s still a million times better than when they were at home, but it kind of sticks in the craw that they’re paying thousands each week and my role still seems to be chief gopher rather than DD.

I posted this on another thread but DM has developed cellulitis in her leg (after I knocked her trolley into her leg, feel massively guilty). However I am so impressed with the amazing service from the NHs and Social Services. A call to 111 resulted in a visit to the OOH GP within 90 minutes and follow up visit from the district nurses who were fab. Social services and the care agency also came up trumps, putting in place extra visits to administer antibiotics. I can’t fault any of them.

I do find myself wondering if DB is lying to himself as much as he lies to me about DM's cognition.

'DM enjoyed XYZ', 'DM was cheerful and engaged in a conversation'.

He so desperately wants DM to be alive. Perhaps for him DM saying 'yes', echoing a word he has said, sometimes smiling is enough. Even if the rest of the time she is asleep or in distress.

I also know that the carers give different feedback on how DM has been in the morning of a visit to DB and to me. The feedback DB gets always seems to be more positive.

Alternatively he could just be choosing not to hear the negative.

My DGM died at 89 and her death certificate says ‘old age’ as cause of death. At the time I thought that was odd as she must have died of something other than her age. Now 25 years later DM is 93, 5st 10lbs, exhausted, advanced dementia, needing frequent antibiotics and steroids for all her uncomfortable skin complaints that have only started in the last 10 years. If she dies like this there will be no diagnosed medical condition to put on her death certificate . Old age is fatal but it can be a long, slow death.

It’s so hard isn’t it. My very elderly DM has had every test and scan going and there is no diagnosable pathology there, but she is terribly frail, feels tired all the time and very poor appetite. She constantly complains of feeling tired and unhappy with life, and wants a doctor to prescribe a magic pill to make her feel better. The reality is, I think, just that very old age has this effect and there isn’t a solution. She isn’t enjoying life at all and there’s nothing we can do about it. It all just feels never ending and exhausting as we lurch from one potential crisis to the next.

@Seeingadistance 💐hell's teeth, 2 years! It isnt a life is it? I'm not sure it is even an existence.

I'm sorry to say that my DF has been stuck at a similar point on the exit ramp for about 2 years now.

Hopefully your DM will continue to descend - quickly and as gracefully as possible.

@TrayofRoses for whose benefit would you be installing the camera? You are already convinced that there is something more than memory loss going on with your mother and if you say that your siblings and your GP are ignoring that possibility and not listening to your concerns, then what are you hoping a camera is going to prove?

I am Irish so understand about the accommodation difficulties and also the cultural differences which mean that your siblings can ignore you - and the pressure that you feel to be the dutiful daughter and to look after your mother. However, you are going to be of no use to anyone if you fall over with the burdens of caring.

It is difficult but cannot be impossible to find somewhere to live surely? It may not be what you ideally want and may take plenty of time and networking (which we Irish are great at!) to find but you have flexibility in a moving date and are therefore in a much stronger position than many people. You have mentioned a partner - do you have long-term plans with him, have you ever discussed living together? Does he know your mother and have any thoughts on the situation?

@TrayofRoses it sounds like you’re under a lot of stress, but secretly filming your DM isn’t something anyone here can or should advise on.

You’ve had some helpful suggestions already and at this point it may be worth focusing on what you can change- ideally moving to a bedsit elsewhere- rather than continuing to focus on your DM.

I hope that doesn’t sound harsh, genuinely it sounds tough for you but even if you can prove your DMs behaviour to others, it’s unlikely to change much for you.

Has anyone put a camera into their parents home to monitor a parent?

I have seen things for years thats not right.l with my mother who is now 73. It's not so much memory loss. It's other disfunctions.

A few years ago during one of her OCD trance like spells she stood staring at the oil boiler holding a wire clothes hanger in her hand. I kinda suspected she was considering to dust the appliance using the wire clothes hanger. I was able to redirect her before she did that.

Anyways, the oil boiler was broken down over winter and got it fixed in January. I have reason to suspect that she has a new focus and obsession on the boiler. I think she might have tampered with the boiler.

The boiler broke down two weeks ago approx. We had a repair person arrive this morning. I was telling the repair person what was wrong with it and my mother told him that a screw fell off but she didn't want to touch it so she left it. How did she know a screw fell off? Only that she opened up the oil boiler. Did she see the screw fell off? Did she push it off during an ice cleaning spell?

I wasn't too happy with the boiler service. He was only doing his work. It was his choice of words telling her that it's getting clogged up. I think there is a potential for her to keep dusting the appliance.

I don't have a diagnosis for my mother. There is no other family to help me. I still need to go to work and earn a wage and try and make living for myself. She's at home a lot on her own.

I am concerned. She's able to do a lot of her own daily living tasks. It's behavioural issues and bad executive functioning and it's getting so worse.

So the boiler got fixed and she had the heating on with the windows open. There's no talking or reasoning with her.

I really think that that she's having difficulty understanding some situations or instructions, either that or there's memory loss that's much worse than what I realise. The service repair person mentioned that we were doing things wrong with the boiler and we had the wrong switch or setting. A few minutes after he left, I checked the radiators and mentioned it to my mother and it just resulted in aggro and anger. I really think she's not able to understand things or she's forgetting and it's resulting in anger explosions.

Also her behaviour this morning. I got a call from the service repair to say he will be with me soon before 11am. My mother's reaction wasn't normal. Her reaction was to become extremely OCD and start emptying the kitchen of everything. The boiler is in our kitchen. She was becoming angry at me. I wasn't trying to reason with her or argue with her and I was helping her. She was angered at me because I was wearing my dressing gown. As if the man would care what I am wearing. The house was freezing because all the windows was open so I was wearing my dressing gown. Her reaction and anger - it's not normal.

There's no doubt in my mind that there's something happening with her. It's just not diagnosised. It's so hard because everyone (my siblings who live abroad and her GP) wants to see memory loss when that's just too simple.

I am concerned for other behaviours too.

Anyways I am considering a camera at home in the kitchen. It feels wrong. If I get a camera it would have to be small and discreet and battery powered. It just feels wrong to put in an hidden camera.

I know a family with an older parent who is 80 and they have a tapo camera but there's transparency and it's to monitor falls. Their person who has dementia, does comprehend the cameras. They are not hidden.

I know my mother she wouldn't tolerate a camera in the kitchen and I would have to go down the route of something discreet.

Does anyone here have a discreet camera to monitor a parent?

She really isn't right.

@Choux
Thank you for that information.
I spoke to the care home earlier and they're waiting for someone to assess mum today.

It sounds like it is a similar service to the one you linked.

Mum has obviously worn herself out because she's been asleep for most of the day.

Hi @NellyTheCakemy mum’s care home accessed this team when she was exhibiting challenging behaviours. In her case it was anxiety and distress but my point is that your mum’s care home should have emergency contacts in their area. Plus the GP and even the memory clinic could help them get specialised assistance. Whilst of course you are worried and sympathetic to what the staff are facing, they are more experienced in dementia care and elderly care than you and it is not really your problem to solve. Although I should also add that needing to involve the team below was a big factor in the residential care home where my mum had been for two snd a half years deciding they couldn’t meet her needs any more and she needed to move to a nursing home.

https://www.lscft.nhs.uk/our-services/service-finder-z/rapid-intervention-and-treatment-team

@funnelfan thank you for the welcome.
Mum is still taking the antibs.
She's been on & off them for over a month now because of various infections.

But this change of behaviour has just been since the beginning of last week.
She wasn't on antibs at the time. The GP saw her and ordered some blood tests.
Then came out again a couple of days later and gave her antibs for her cough.

I feel they're treating each infection as something seperate, rather than looking at the whole picture.

@GnomeDePlume sorry to read about your mum and what you're going through.

My mum was seen by the memory clinic about 2mths ago. It took them about 9mths to get round to her.
They haven't spoken to me, despite the care home asking them to.

They just told the care home, mum has dementia and prescribed some medication.
I told the care home I didn't want mum put on more medication (she has multiple health issues) and the GP needed to speak to me if he wasn't happy with that. Again I've heard nothing.

I just feel so bad that the lovely carers are having to deal with mum's abuse and it's been going on for nearly a week without anyone stepping in and doing something.

Both myself & the care home feel we're shouting at a brick wall.

Maybe it is the next step in her dementia? I hope not

@NellyTheCake welcome to the thread nobody wants to be on 💐.

My first thought would be to ask if your DM has had tests for dementia, particularly vascular dementia which can be triggered by health problems such as diabetes, heart problems, stroke. It tends to progress in steps.

As DM's behaviour declined plans were started to get a DOLS (deprivation of liberty safeguarding) so that she could be moved to the secure wing of her CH. In fact her health declined quite suddenly so we are now at late stage and end of life care.

Hello Nelly, welcome to the bad daughter’s lounge. Is your mum still taking the antibiotics? My dad always used to be different when prescribed them and returned back to normal when he finished the course. But much milder changes than the one you’re seeing.

On the other hand, if your mum has an infection that isn’t being properly treated by a series of short term antibiotics then I’d be asking if the GP has thoroughly assessed for any underlying infections - UTIs are classic one. I always knew when mum had a raised temperature because her personality altered, even after having a flu jab she’d be “off” for 48 hours.

It seems that GPs covering care homes can be very hit and miss on whether geriatric care is an interest of theirs or not.

Hello, hope you don't mind me joining in.
Long story, but after a couple of years of me being evil daughter who wouldn't look after her mother, my mum moved to a care home a year ago.

She'd been admitted to hospital to monitor one of her medical conditions, got delirium and never got her mental capacity back.

For the past year she's been very happy in the care home. Completely oblivious to what has happened and where she is. She gets on well with the staff and other residents.

But, in the last month she's had a number of very minor infections. And in the last week her personality has changed dramatically.

She's become aggressive and abusive. Is hitting staff, damaging property in the home and trying to get out.
Somehow, this frail woman who could barely stand has developed super human strength!

The GP initially said it was because of her latest infection, a cough & cold. And put her on antibiotics.

But these don't seem to have helped. And mum is becoming more difficult to manage.

Now the GP is saying it is a mental health issue not a medical one.

I feel it's linked to her infections. As her behaviour is very similar to her delirium and she had an infection then.

Just wondered if anyone had experienced anything like this.
I can't go & visit because mum wants me to help her escape.

@Choux thank you for the 💐. DM is already on end of life care. The CH has the EOL medicine pack available to use.

There just seems to be an unwillingness both on the part of the CH and DB to say enough is enough. I am pretty sure if DB were to say to one of the main nurses that DM should be given some light sedation then it would happen. Unfortunately DB doesnt want to be responsible.

From my perspective DM has already long gone.

@ElderlyDilemmas yes the sensible side of me is thinking that actually I don’t want DF to lose his hands and feet through diabetes so whilst I feel his blood sugars at 92 aren’t the most pressing issue, they could have a point.

Yes @Choux that’s exactly it, also very conscious that for the first 28 days both the care home and I can cancel with 7 days notice. I would be well and truly screwed if they decided DPs were more trouble than they are worth - particularly as DH has already had their house emptied and flooring replaced for rental - so I don’t want to give any cause for complaint in this period. I have already been told that DM and DP have been shouting at each other in the common lounge, so I don’t want to push anything at this point.

Although I am sure that equally the care home is benefiting from their £3800 each week.

Yes, we've been through all this with Dad, not sure who to contact about much, what is a justifiable complaint and what is just settling in problems, Dad is a lovely chap but he does understandably get grumpy sometimes. Three months in and we are all settled and I know all the main staff members it is much easier. I get this lurch in my stomach every time someone from the home rings, just like when the DCs were at primary school.

@rookiemere we have this issue with Dad's diet too, he has a milk allergy, not anaphylactic but it causes eczema. Mum has strictly controlled his diet (and his whole life I suspect) for many years but he has always sneaked the odd cake or bit of cheese behind her back with no real issue apart from her going off on one if she finds out. But in the home they have to stick to his proper diet and his skin is VERY fragile so they have to manage that, whereas I feel like saying "let him have a bit of cheese if he wants it"