Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

@GnomeDePlume keeping everything crossed you get to go on holiday.

@EmeraldRoulette it just seems endless doesn’t it ? Before DPs got really unwell mentally and physically, I would have said I was a nice decent person, but now I just feel I am a disgusting excuse of a human, because honestly I just want this to be over. They’re in a care home now so a lot of the burden has been reduced but it’s still the ever present tiny stone in my shoe. I keep thinking surely it will be over by the time I am 60.

@EmeraldRoulette I so understand feelings of resentment and wondering when this will end.

Just adding because there's probably a bunch of new folk here who don't know

She's a really lovely lady.
But I feel as if this has been going on for so long, I actually can't even really remember it

And there's been lots of particular issues that have caused resentment

If I get lucky and she doesn't carry on, I'm not even going to remember that she was a good mother. I'm just going to be so relieved.

this is the only place I can say this so thank you to anyone who is listening.

I don't come by here much and probably most of the people who know me from the beginning are free by now

I've just had one of those really frustrating days. I tried to keep things to a minimum. But it does tend to be once a week because I actually find I get more annoyed if I'm not around for longer and tasks just build up

Once again, I nearly said to my mum today "how can you still be here?" by which I mean "when does this nightmare finish?"

She's actually getting healthier, I'm pleased for her but I do now just plan around her being over 100 or me going first

And sometimes the depression of it all just really gets to me

I have actually told a younger person I know not to get involved, she has a mother who is 70 and has bounced back from serious illness

She's also having a lot of resentment and worries and I've said to her "don't be me, I wasted the whole of my 40s on this and you don't get that time back".

I suppose the good news is I don't seem to be anything like my age - well I'm not sure, it's only on MN that a 50 year-old woman is in some kind of weird disaster zone! In real life, most 50-year-olds are pretty much like 40-year-olds, at least the ones I meet. Admittedly, I don't meet a lot of people.

but just... yeah, oh my god. It's mad. It seems so horribly unfair.

sorry, I didn't want to start a separate thread so I just thought I'd hop on here and rant. People who dealing with Parents with dementia and so on, I don't know how you're coping. But TBH, one of the reasons why I don't post here as I cannot cope with the stories because I just think "what the hell is next?"

Call me cynical but I notice that DB is being a lot more negative about DM's current condition. I know he doesnt want me to go away on holiday. In the main bexause he thinks all focus should be on DM, nothing else matters. The negativity is to try and persuade me not to go. But at the same time he insists that DM is still doing okay.

That I have a life away from DM is incomprehensible to DB because he hasnt.

Thank you @FiniteSagacity TBH I feel a bit of a fraud. DM's situation has just become a constant background hum in my life. She is cared for, there isnt anything to be done.

Unless something changes we are going away on Saturday.

Thanks @FiniteSagacity mum took him a 90 balloon and lots of cards today. DB, DSis and I plus families are all up at the weekend. He may be home by then, with 4x carers. If not, we can see him in hospital. Dietician visited today and advised there is no more that can be done, he needs to keep trying to eat purée and thickened foods and drinks, only other option is not eating. I’ve made a photo book of his life so hopefully he’ll get some enjoyment from that.

In case it is of any use to anyone DD’s partner (he works for the Ambulance service) told me about an app called iStumble which takes you through what to do if you find someone who has fallen, whether you should lift them or not and it will alert emergency services. Disclaimer- I haven’t tried it out.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I suspect that the lorazepam issue is becoming one of 'yesterday's problems'. DM now seems to be getting less distressed, mainly I think because she is less aware.

Ah the joy of the late night phonecall. DF phoned half an hour ago requesting that we come to the hospital because he had soiled the bed. Not doing any worse, just said he wanted some TLC. I have been up since 6am, was working 7am-6pm and then spent two hours sitting with him after work. DH was there from 9.30am for 5 hours today too. I of course told him that we would not be coming up to the hospital to provide TLC at midnight.

Hi I’m a lurker, only posted once before but read a lot and it helps. My dad is back in hospital with aspiration pneumonia and just waiting to see if the antibiotics work - have before. Mums heroically caring for his puréed diet, catheter, dementia, anxiety, immobility. I’m feeling rubbish for being hours away and no support. He’s 90 tomorrow. Bless him, he worried he’d not get to 90, I fear we are in be careful what you wish for space.

@GnomeDePlume lorazepam can be given with morphine.
I say this as a retired nurse and ex-Matron of a dementia nursing home. I'm not sure why you've been told that these meds can't be given simultaneously.

Mum doesn't have a diagnosis, she doesn't think she needs to be diagnosed with anything and since she doesn't take any of her meds anyway DB and I can't see the point in pushing her. She's still coping reasonably well with living at home and she voluntarily gave up driving, so things are as good as they can be for the time being.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar mum has Alzheimer's but anyone who says anything is wrong because no doctor has ever said that.
Except she had a brain scan that confirmed it January 2021. She finally got to the stage where she isn't safe at home but thankfully she's going into a home in a few days. The move was already in progress before the fall. It will be a relief to know she isn't going to cause any fires or explosions let alone lie on the floor for hours.

That made me giggle @countrygirl99, I have been trying to persuade my Mum to remember to take her eyedrops at bedtime for nearly two years but always get told that she doesn't have glaucoma.

Picked mum up very early this morning and she's back home. I said I'll stay with her until the morning carer comes 8.30/9ish. Got told she doesn't have carers. Only for the last 5½ years!

My uncle died today. I had to go and tell DM. He was her favourite brother and the last of her brothers to die. It was expected as he'd been in hospital on end of life pathway but I feel so sorry for DM. Nobody now but her to remember their early family life. He was a lovely man.

I do hope everything works out for you to get away @countrygirl99

Mum isn't on blood thinners but apparently despite confirming that the ambulance was cancelled when I called they changed their minds and turned up shortly after I left and have taken her to hospital. But by the time I found out I'd had a medicinal large glass of sauvignon blanc so god knows what happens now.
This is clearly because we are going away for a week on Wednesday. Last time I went away DH had a medical crisis.

@GnomeDePlume my DGM was the same, very private especially about bodily functions and was mortified at not being able to do her personal care independently at the end.

Oh dear @countrygirl99 I am glad she felt able to get up with a chair. My DF did the same with the carer after he was found on the floor. Is your DM on blood thinners? DF is on apixaban and had a bleed on the brain after his fall and he just slid off his chair onto the floor so did not fall from standing height. If she is sleepy definitely still get her checked over by the paramedics or an OOH doctor if the ambulance isn't still on the way even though she must be exhausted from being on the floor for hours it is better to be safe.

She didn't appear injured just distressed and tired. Ambulance said the wait would be about 2 hours but after about 1.5 hours she managed to haul herself up using a chair. I've put her to bed and she went straight to sleep.