Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

@BridasShieldWall hello there.
So your dad is currently in hospital?

They'll be looking for a home which can cater for patients who are aggressive. Has anyone suggested sectioning him?

I’m just joining. My Dad very likely has dementia, undiagnosed but everyone agrees there is something there. There has been a slowish decline with the effects on eating, self care etc evident since last October. We got cleaners in and then care at home after Christmas. Towards the end of January he fell a lot and couldn’t get back up so we called ambulance and he was admitted to hospital. Had four weeks in hospital before being discharged into a nursing home who had a nursing floor focusing on dementia care, He had episodes of aggressive behaviour in the hospital and at the care home. Mental Health in the community no help.

Two and a half weeks after admission nursing home called an ambulance to check for potential fractures after a fall. During the call from the nursing home told me that he would need to be reassessed before returning but not to worry about it. Short story nursing home have said they can’t meet need and he cannot return. We’re now going back through the whole reassessment process and in the meantime he has significantly declined. He was able to hold a conversation and recognise us, now he is locked into his own imagination and recognises us but not to talk to. Worried about getting him into a suitable home and mental health support as I don’t want to be back in the same position in 6 weeks.

We had this one https://amzn.eu/d/0fpB4Tte

Yes, DM has one of those dementia friendly phones too. Be careful which order you put names in though. My picture is at the top so I get phoned first. I might change it so DB is at the top. We have this one.

https://shop.alzheimers.org.uk/collections/telephones/products/amplidect-combi-photo-295-phone

She doesn’t have to lift the handset if she’s pressing one of the photos, it goes automatically to speaker.

Has anyone used one of those dementia friendly phones with the pictures of family faces to press and dial successfully at all?

Yes, was quite successful although she’d only ever use it to call me and not DB. Even before her move to the CH, I’d ring her and she’d complain that I wasn't giving her enough time to answer. It turned out she was treating it as “the phone” in the house, and not connecting it to the cordless one by her bed which she looked at like it was an alien device. Even though she’d had that design phone for over 20 years.

I think it helped that it looked like an older design of phone, maybe the curly wire to the handset triggered that recognition?

@GnomeDePlume that must be a relief for you. It will be less draining for you to not be stuck mediating/advocating constantly. I hope he continues to be agreeable to the inevitable process now.

Welcome @Stressybetty.

@Dormit I am glad things are improving for your DM, it is great that she has her mobility back and is able to engage in social activities again.

DF was very scared last night and kept holding DH's hand and not letting go when going to sleep. He is up and down with his level of confusion and was more confused last night. Earlier in the day he had phoned me twice quite lucid to ask if I had spoken to DB and to ask if DH was coming to watch the football with him last night. He sometimes can't use his phone when confused now. Has anyone used one of those dementia friendly phones with the pictures of family faces to press and dial successfully at all?

@Mumbles12 I think at a logical level he has known this was coming for some time. He is an odd character, he likes to take a contrary view about pretty much everything.

He has always been treated (especially by DPs) as the cleverest person in the room. He struggles when being told something by someone he considers less intelligent/academic/socio economic/male than him.

I will be seeing him later today, will be able to see how he is then.

That's a huge shift @GnomeDePlume . Is he feeling all at sea with the shift in perspective? So hard for everyone, though a relief that he's not challenging the care team today.

DB has finally accepted that DM is in her last days. Morphine hasnt been used yet but DB now accepting that the care team know what they are doing so isnt challenging.

We're in the last few days of our holiday and trying not to think too much of home. I hope the break from seeing DH most days has helped MIL to settle in the care home as she didnt really understand where she was before we went away.

Welcome @Stressybetty. You’ll find support here.

Hi can I join please? Haven't rtft sorry. Have MIL living with me and DH. She is 83 and diagnosed with vascular dementia 4 years ago. Sleeping most of the time now and mobility is poor. Have to hang onto her when she's upright! We think she may have a year or so left if we are lucky and it frightens me how it will happen. I can see her getting less and less mobile and eventually bedridden.

Is there such a thing as a carer's assessment where you are @TrayofRoses? It sounds like you could do with someone recognising the support you need.

Solidarité to all. @GnomeDePlume, as others have said, your brother is really not helping. Unutterably frustrating for you and so sad that he can't let go or see the reality of a terrible time.
FIL refused morphine until he was no longer able to lucidly refuse it and then it was given as EOL care. FIL was at home and waiting for a medical professional to come to give injections was hard for DH and his brother. BIL is a doctor and I think he found it especially hard as he absolutely could not do anything but wait for the EOL team but knew from experience the calming effects morphine would have. FIL wanted to die at home and got his wish but there is absolutely no way I want to put my DD through that. There is a romanticised view of dying at home which does not match with reality in all cases.
I can't quite let this thread go, despite having 'graduated' in December when FIL died after a very difficult year. There was so much support here and understanding. My own DP are pretty good at the moment but I am worried about the future. And I have an adored aunt who DB and I will want to support eventually as we are her next of kin. So, in a calm before a possible storm at present...

@Dormit I am delighted things are going so well for you and your DM sounds so sprightly now. That is truly amazing. Thanks for updating us.

I bet he doesn’t believe in taking paracetamol for a headache either but moans he’s in pain. I’ve never understood that kind of person. Your brother is obviously in a lot of emotional pain and dealing with it by being an arse. I‘m sorry you’re having to deal with him as well as your poor mum being so unwell.

Things here are ticking along nicely. Mum is doing well and is going back to her seated Pilates class after Easter!!! It’s nothing short of a miracle. I’ll probably go with her to make sure she’s behaving. She has a tendency to ignore the teacher and do too much then complain she is in pain 🙄 She went out to the garden centre with my sister yesterday. Despite moving further away she is managing to visit most weeks but doesn’t always stay for more than an hour. She’s never got time it seems. True to form she has complained about how much it costs in petrol to travel here and that was before the Iran war fuel price issue. She once charged me a fiver for petrol to come and babysit my two DD’s. She lived all of 5 miles away and this was over 10 years ago so no way 10 miles cost her £5! I babysat all 4 of her kids many, many times over the years without charge, including looking after her house, the cats, and her 4 kids for a weekend, taking them swimming and bowling while she had a nice weekend away with her husband. It would never have occurred to me to ask for money for doing it. Families eh.

The physio has discharged mum with a 6 month come back if you’ve got any issues plan. She’s really pleased with her progress. She’s completely off the morphine and has been for weeks and we’ve talked about reducing her other pain medications because she’s pain free apart from her legs aching.
She’s still tired but at 86 after two major surgeries and years of severe pain it’s to be expected. But she’s doing more cooking and prepping food for the carer to cook. She’s more motivated and brighter mentally. No worrying signs of dementia like before although she has the odd moment but I think it’s more she doesn’t listen 😂 The GP said to keep taking her out which I will. She’s got to pace herself and she’s rubbish at that but I keep reminding her. She’s coming for Easter dinner tomorrow and it will be the first time she’s been here since last May when she could barely stand up to have a photo taken with dd in her prom dress. Now she stands and zips up her coat or hangs clothes in the wardrobe, puts washing on the maiden and makes soup from scratch. It really is amazing but she doesn’t see how far she’s come and can be very negative. Lots of reassurance and motivational chats continue but she really is doing great and my god I am so relieved. I was beyond exhausted before February. The mental and physical strain was enormous and it’s only now that it’s not that I can see how bad things were. A big thank you to you all for your support through that awful time

In other times DB would have mithered to DM who would have nodded along and agreed with him. Though she did admit to me that she didnt always listen 😀

I will ask the CH what they have been given in the 'EOL pack' by the GP. DB does have quite entrenched and old fashioned views about medicine. To him morphine is just 'giving way'. He is also very poor at passing on information whether because he doesnt hear clearly or because he wants to be 'the one who knows'.

All the way through he has resisted the idea that DM is anything other than a special case.

• He had never heard of UTI delirium so when DM was first behaving oddly it had to be the drugs the hospital were giving her
• DM couldnt possibly have dementia it had to be PTSD from the care she was receiving
• The chair in DM's room was some sort of fall risk (it is a standard armchair) and should be replaced with something 'better'
• DM is used to better/more refined food than the CH serve which is why DM was difficult at mealtimes

The list has been endless with constant passive aggressive little digs from DB at staff and mithering to me.

@GnomeDePlumesome people are really weird about morphine and similar drugs. Like a mere sniff of it and you’ll be hooked for life. Even some medical professionals. Such nonsense. EOL care is about comfort and dignity. Perhaps your brother thinks the morphine will cause her death. Does he understand why it is given and how it helps? It’s such a small dose and will just help keep your mum comfortable. Does she have midazolam
or similar prescribed? We used to give that to agitated/distressed patients as well as morphine. It’s such a cruel process and your brother is such a twit for being so against what is best for your mum. I hope the care home staff listen to you and give as prescribed.

Thinking of you

It's burnout. I went into work yesterday and stayed overnight and worked all day today. I am just finished now.

I am exhausted. I am sore. I am sick. I am hungry. I am thirsty. I need a shower. I need a drink. I need sleep. Every bone in my body aches.

It's just too much. Nobody understands or cares.

I am sandwiched from so much pressure from every angle then there's more being expected of me.

I don't think I can stomach to go visit a family with you kids tomorrow.

That is probably it @GnomeDePlume. DH really struggled with guilt after his DM passed even though he respected her wishes and even if she had survived she would have had no quality of life and he knew that isn't what she wanted after years of being in hospital, surgeries, long intensive care stays and recoveries. It didn't help that his sisters really blamed him for the decision too, they had the most to lose as right up until the day she went into hospital she was in her sick state providing free childcare for them. Ultimately it is about what it in your DM's best interests so that she doesn't suffer in pain or discomfort, no matter what mud your DB flings your way when he begins to process his grief, just hold on to the knowledge that you focused on that and nothing else.

I think he is offering up a contrary view so that he isnt responsible

Yes. That's exactly it.
When she dies, he'll be able to say "well, it wasn't me who wanted to give mum the morphine."

Therefore he cannot be held accountable, in his mind.

@GnomeDePlume my mum was very upset when my dad was prescribed opiate painkillers at 92 going on about the long term risks of addiction. Didn't go down well when I pointed out that the long term isn't very long when you are that age and surely pain relief was more important.