Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

Aw sorry @BestIsWest it’s horrible when you miss something that you’re looking forward to, particularly when it’s something that adds structure to your life.

You can have joint and several LPA which is what DB and I have for DM. It means either of us can act independently. In reality that means I do everything.

Another fall for DM this morning. The carer found her on the bedroom floor. No idea how long she’d been there. We managed to lift her between us which was just as well as DB didn’t answer his phone again. The third emergency in under two weeks and every time he has not answered his phone. I phoned SIL and was very abrupt.

District nurses are due so they will check her over but she didn’t seem hurt.

I was on my way out of the door to my volunteering stint which I adore and had been looking forward to all weekend so gutted to miss it on such a beautiful day.

Clear and very insightful answer.

@bigdogpaws get the paperwork you already have for you submitted asap. If your B wants also to be on there, then his first step is to work out what he needs to do to amend this one once it’s approved and issued. If he’s no good at paperwork then he’ll fall at this first hurdle.

@rookiemere That sounds tough, but really does show that the care home is the right place for her, with people on hand to help when she needs it.

@GnomeDePlume Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hoping things are peaceful for you and your DM.

I wondered if anyone here has much experience of LPA? I have paperwork ready for Mum to sign to make me finance LPA, as she asked me to do and which B agreed was the best thing to do. B is now saying that he should have it, as he is with Mum more and has started to suggest his family moving in with Mum. Which would make sense in most families but whenever he's been asked to deal with anything with any admin element he has made a mess of it or put it off for months and I've had to do it, so currently I deal with all mum's finances and life admin/medical appointments etc. I think what he's looking for is to have LPA so he feels in control but have me to anything time consuming, which would obviously be unworkable. Mum has told me she wants me to keep doing everything but I think she feels she can't say no to B. I am thinking the best move would be to try to get LPA asap but have a solicitor to speak to mum and witness it etc. The last think I want is to be LPA but have everything challenged but equally I am certain that B would not deal with things properly if he was LPA. I really don't know what to do for the best.

Thanks all for talking me down from the brink.

Call from care home, DM does indeed have a fracture and got back to the care home at 2am - she must be so exhausted. I will visit this afternoon. I was going to say it feels like another nail on her coffin, but the sad thing is she’ll just continue on with even more suffering. She had been complaining her eyesight was getting worse so I had bought her a new 7x magnifier, but I doubt she will be able to lift it now. She’s already on quite strong painkillers so they seem unable to give her more, so she will be in pain, but at least she is back in the care home.

@rookiemere Happy Birthday. I hope you enjoyed some of it. Try to remember that this is exactly why your DM moved to the care home- so that professional carers are there to deal with all these things and you don't have to cancel your life

Thank you everyone. We did go out for dinner @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne as arranged with DH, DS and his girlfriend. Thankfully I had a hankering for Chinese food so we had already arranged to go to the non posh Chinese buffet as I don’t think I would have been up to dressing up and lots of conversation.

You’re all right of course, that is what they are paying the care home large sums of money for ( although they may not see it that way) and if it had been something major or life threatening then I would have been there, but it’s hard to get over the guilt.

I have been going through all their old photos today and feeling sad when I see the vibrant people they used to be, although DF is having quite a renaissance in the care home and was gleefully telling the staff as they were trying to assess DM, that he has a doctorate in psychology ( he doesn’t). Hopefully DM is back by Wednesday as that’s when they are getting the assessment to get some of the care paid for and she looks much more deserving than DF these days.

Happy birthday @rookiemere. Other posters are right, you being there wouldn't make any difference.

@Mumbles12 Quick! Go on a "big" holiday while you can!!

My visit today coincided with the DN dressing leg ulcers. For which ER now has morphine (she had 3ml while I was there, as I had to help draw it up) and Gabapentin too. Leg ulcers SUCK.

I encouraged the lunchtime carer, who looked plenty old enough to know how to, to cook an omelette for her. ER had pointed (slightly performatively) at the meal plan I drew up, blithely ignoring the fact that it was from WEEKS ago and she had not, since, bought what was on it. FFS.

Not sure whether it's the morphine dulling her cognition, or age, or just not being up to as much without her late husband chivvying. Who knows.

I am v much in "drop the rope" mode ATM, so I have dropped the meal plan crap, and if she doesn't order food, well she has biscuits, she won't starve, and the experience may be motivational.
I didn't ask about the Stannah stuff, I am not going to get involved with her somehow getting rid of one of her email addresses , and I just "mmh hmm"'d at her telling me she had ordered some more protein drink bottles.

We took her out (thanks to my OH getting her & wheelchair up and down the garden steps 💪) in the sun and got her an ice-cream. Chucked out some obviously mouldy food from the fridge.

There were moments where I was pretty exasperated, but managed to scream silently behind her so she didn't see!

She gave us some chocolate for Easter, a nice thought. Luckily for my spare tyres, I didn't like it, so OH gets it all 😎

She didn't say anything today about changing care company either and I didn't ask.

Hopefully if the nieblings have to keep an eye on me in my old age, I will be an easier prospect!

Happy Birthday @rookiemere. My mum also went to hospital alone this week for an X-ray. She had a query broken hip (unlikely as it was two days after a slip off a chair fall) and suddenly seemed to be in pain, was struggling to walk. She is 93 with advanced dementia so can’t explain anything about how she is feeling. I live 4 hours away so had to let her go alone. The care home didn’t have anyone free to go with her. The paramedic said he would speak to the dr and hopefully get the x ray done quickly but in the end it took a few hours - she needed sedating to get it done - and then patient transport had stopped and she was in A&E all night! By the time I realized she wasn’t coming home that night it was too late for me to get there.

She came back to the care home with no discharge notes (maybe you don’t get them if you have only has 24 hours in A&E) so we don’t know how she did overnight but she is ok now. It was probably diverticular disease not a fracture. An x ray is the only thing she would ever go to hospital for and I will be very reluctant to let her go again. It was really unlikely to have been a fracture this time as she walked on it just fine the day after the fall.

We can only do what we can do @rookiemere. We can’t stop having any life at all.

Happy birthday @rookiemere! You did the right thing. I hope her arm is ok. have some cake

@rookiemere you did exactly the right thing in having your day out and as you say, mark a start for a new phase of your life The whole point of paying the CH enormous sums of money is for them to care for your mum and do things like sit around with her in A&E waiting for an X-ray. It doesn’t sound like a life threatening incident and as @Zucker said, it’s not as if you’d be doing anything the care worker couldn’t do.

It does take a long time to adjust your thinking but you don’t have to centre your DPs any more, you and your DH are allowed to have your own lives.

Happy Birthday @rookiemere . You are not a horrible person. It is fine to let the CH handle things. You are allowed your own life. There will be plenty of residents who dont have family members who can come along for hospital trips.

Happy Birthday dear Rookiemere!

I'm sorry it was so shit for you.
You did the right thing with regard to going to the hospital with your mother.

Is your husband taking you out tonight?

There is nothing you could do at the hospital that a care home worker won't be able to do. It is completely shit that this is happening but you are not a horrible person for wanting to celebrate your own birthday!

Happy Birthday!

I am sorry just on here for a bit of a moan. Things have generally been better since DPs in the care home. My birthday is today and thought it would be nice to try and mark a new start for me and leave the last year behind. Except of course that isn’t what happened.

Visited yesterday and took DF out for lunch to try and keep today clear, DM managed to fall before we left the care home and hurt her arm. Staff were keen we should still go out and when we came back they said they thought it was just a sprain. Of course it couldn’t just be that and this morning they rang DH to say they were going to get an ambulance to take her into hospital to get it examined. Because I am a truly selfish individual we still went on our country walk and lunch out. DH phoned this afternoon and because the hospital was busy they hadn’t taken her in yet and were waiting for an ambulance. Presumably in now accompanied by one of the care home staff.

I hate myself and I hate the whole situation. I should of course have dropped my minor plans and accompanied her to the hospital. Except I just wanted one bloody day to be about me and not them. They didn’t remember my birthday- I didn’t expect them to, I bought an excellent card entitled to a marvellous Daughter and DH got them to sign it. I have had lovely messages from friends and relatives and meant to be going out tonight with DH, DS and his girlfriend. I just feel so down, but trying not to show it. DH is right because he says at least it happened when they were in the care home and this is true. I don’t think it’s a major break, but if they try and keep her in hospital overnight that will be tricky as she will be even more out of her routine.

DH stopped her from crashing down on her fall, he reckons if he hadn’t she might have broken her hip and hurt her head and that would probably be the end of her. Maybe he shouldn’t have caught her, her life only appears to be pain and annoyance now.

@GnomeDePlume sadly DF's demise brought out the first split between me and sibiling. It also highlighted that she has a better relationship with DM than I do, and I had a better relationship with DF than she did. She has assumed the role of family CEO - this isn't an issue with me as she's way better at dealing with all of that than I am and she has more time, but we are just extremely different people outside of the family caring debacle.

DB is still desperate for someone, ideally DM, to tell him he has been a 'good boy'.

DM has slid further down the exit ramp. Late last week there was a real expectation that we were in the final days. However, yesterday she rallied a little and was able to answer direct questions.

Had a conversation with DB. Well, he talked. So far DM hasnt been given any pain drugs other than paracetamol.

DB sees himself as doing what DF would have wanted. Questioning every medical decision. In DB's eyes DF has been sanctified (DF died over 30 years ago). IMO DF would probably have dropped a pillow over DM's face some while ago.

@BridasShieldWall @abracadabra1980 welcome to the thread no one wants to be on.

@BridasShieldWall when my DM's behaviour deteriorated the next step was DOLS (Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding). This would have allowed her to be moved to the secure wing in her care home. Beyond that would possibly have been Mental Health care services.

@abracadabra1980 do you have any siblings you can share the burden with. Sadly old age does not wave a magic wand and turn old people into sweet little grannies. Instead, behaviours seem to become entrenched as mental barriers/guide rails get removed.

Thanks for the new thread. I am REALLY struggling with my mother; I don't like her much and every time I have to interact with her I just feel seething irritation. I have had many years (best part of a decade), caring for Ddad, whom we lost in 2023, and who I adored, and I now realise he was the fun buffer for the whole family. Since he died, we have now rolled straight into having to deal with her - she has macular, but not dementia, albeit you can see a normal mental decline along with deafness, hearing aids that don't work, entitlement and expectations able she professes she "hates asking". God. I feel so bad but I just can't stand interacting with her.

Hi thanks for the welcome. No suggestions of sectioning. The discharge plan from hospital seems to be finding him a funded assessment bed for four weeks to determine his needs. Last time we didn’t use the council assessment bed but the care home assessed him and accepted him. We didn’t like the place that had the only assessment bed but may go down that route this time in the hope that he has more mental health support, I don’t think it’s uncommon in dementia patients so there must be some support out there,

Welcome @BridasShieldWall. sorry you are here.

His assessment should be treated as an urgent case if he has been given notice by his previous care home and therefore has nowhere to safely go after his hospital stay.

In my mum’s care home there is a man who wanders a lot, likes to see what everyone else is doing and occasionally can be aggressive. He has a male carer assigned to him 1:1 to shadow him and move him away from other residents, staff or visitors if he gets too close. I don’t know if this man is self funding that or getting CHC. I would assume it’s CHC. It could be your DF needs something similar to be accepted by a care home.