Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

My aunt is in a nursing home. We moved her there straight from hospital, who had said she was 'end-of-life' and she was delirious from morphine - we thought she had sudden onset dementia and weeks to live.

She has completely recovered from what we now think was morphine induced delirium and is of sound mind but is miserable and resentful in the nursing home.

She is bedbound and has a catheter but says she wants to go home. I have PoA for health and financial. I just don't know what to do. Any advice?

I would suggest that you are 'ill' for a while or have a bad ankle or something that gets you out of visiting for a good while. And perhaps then they'll begin to see that they're not coping so well without you.

Just saying hi (different user name; have commented before on old threads with a different username) and to have a whinge.

Most 'special' occasions, I've made a thing of getting MIL and my DM/DF over for a meal. It's usually something like 11am till 4.30pm...try and get DC to stay too. The last times we did this was Xmas and Mothers Day.

Unlike previous years, DH and I, for Easter this year kind of decided we weren't going to do anything. The DC were off doing their own thing so we didn't plan a big lunch or anything...we did pop in and see my parents and helped DF with stuff he wanted doing in the garden so spent around 3 hours with them.

I popped in yesterday after work for a bit and the first thing DM said to me was 'I was disappointed not to have seen you over the bank holiday'...said with a sad smile and puppy dog eyes. She has a shocking memory (think dementia but she won't have tests) so it's likely she forgot she saw me but when I said 'but mum, we came on saturday and stayed for a while' she just scrunched her nose up at me and turned away briefly before pretending that she hadn't said anything. Now I know my DM, that nose scrunch and head turn was done because she was put out that she hadn't had an invite over the Easter period.

DF shook his head and rolled his eyes at me whilst I just said 'it's just never enough for you mum is it. Whatever I do is never enough'.

When I left she said 'it would be nice to see the kids...we don't see them much now...they can't be bothered with their boring grandparents anymore...' said with a tinkly laugh. I don't know how I stayed civil. Why would you make a comment like that?!! She's so used to reverting to emotional blackmail to get her own way and it's infuriating but because she has dementia, I have to just forget about it. (I did say to her though that 'you saw DS on saturday. and my kids have a life of their own mum. they'll come and see you when they want to; I'm not forcing them to'. I cried all the way home.

for the last 4.5 years, because of her medical incident (now bed/wheelchair/sofa bound and doubly incontinent) I have done ALL their life admin...sorted her coming out of hospital/care home...dealt with social services over the years, sorted her benefits, sorted her prescriptions, medical appointments, nappies, hoists, wheelchair, hearing aids, blue badge...you think of it, I've done/organised it. At the beginning I saw them 3 or 4 x week and now I've reduced to 2 x week and I'm fucking tired of it. Tired of trying to hold it together with work, my own health issues, menopause, kids with their mental health issues and Uni/work issue and whatever I do for her is never enough. It never has been.

The guilt I had in not arranging anything over easter high but I just ignored it and got on with what DH and I wanted to do and after her comment yesterday the guilt just vanished entirely. That realisation that no matter what I do will always be lacking because all she wants is for me to be glued to her so I can entertain all her waking moments because she's so fucking selfish and it's all about her.

There's no point saying anything to her because she won't remember she said anything (although I do have suspicions that she might remember certain stuff...) so I'm screaming into an abyss...Sorry that was so long but it's just scratching the surface. Similar to a lot of you so I don't feel so alone...

Thanks @GnomeDePlume yes they have funds for support such as having a cleaner but are resisting. If I bring the topic up, I get the negative comments and talk. They also repeatedly talk about how old they are and how young I am so possibly cannot understand. How to take a step back?

@timoteigirl you will see on this thread that a lot of people are caught between resentment and guilt.

Once dementia gets its claws in you will never be able to do enough. You will constantly find you have solved yesterday's problem. Even if you could give your relatives every waking hour it wont be enough or it will be wrong in some way.

Is it 'just' personality changes at the moment or do your relatives need practical support?

Do they have funds to pay for practical support? Cleaners, gardeners, laundry services etc.

Is anyone here looking after or checking on elderly aunts or uncles? I have a couple who married but don't have any children of their own. However, now it's reached a point where I would like to take a step back but nobody else is supporting them so feeling guilty of doing this. Any thoughts on this? I am starting to feel overwhelmed with the first signs of dementia and the nastiness that can come with it. My own quality of life improved if I did less. Any thoughts appreciated.

is possible that they are asking if she’s been assessed as not having capacity by someone qualified to do so?

I find the capacity question a bit bewildering. I’ve been asked by several HCPs/ social services if DM has capacity and I never know what the answer is. How would I know?

Re LPAs. DM set up her financial one as joint between DB and me. TBH, DB has been managing DM's finances for some years. LPA never registered so I am looking the other way.

Health is joint and severally. HCPs a bit variable on it. When it was suggested that DM could have a pacemaker the consultant was more than happy for me to decline on DM's behalf.

Now DM is formally declared as not having capacity either DB or I can act/decide on her behalf. We arent entirely in agreement as I dont want DM to receive any further treatment but DB doesnt want to be seen to be responsible for a decision which might hasten DM's death albeit in greater comfort.

@Houseplantqueen that sounds horribly stressful. And after the immediate crisis there is the worry of how to deal with next stages.

Hi can I join please. My dad is 89 with Parkinson’s, dementia and many other ailments. Catheter, dysphagia (puréed food only), severe falls risk, etc. DM is a bit younger and generally well at 83 and his full time carer, plus 4x daily care visits. I have a DB and a DSis and we all do our bit (DBs bit is a little more restricted, but hey). We all work full time and live in London, mum and dad are 300 miles away.

Tonight, DMs had a medical emergency so we’ve been trying to sort out an ambulance for someone who is more worried about her sleeping DH than her own clear need. Lovely DSis is on route and I’ve been chasing nhs for both of them.

dad has CHC funding which is great, and mum gets a bit of respite through that too but it is such a roller coaster. This is the third a&e in three weeks between them.

just feeling a bit drained tonight so good to have somewhere to post.

@MysterOfwomanY It’s not me with the LPA, we got that sorted a few years back, I’m just the one with an AWOL brother. In which I’m not alone!

I had / have LPA for both my parents. After several years of using my dad’s bank card when I was running errands for them from 2019 to 2022 (this is Fraud even if the account holder gives you permission) I went to the bank with the POA. The manager told me to go off and do my Xmas shopping for an hour. When I went back he had done all the paperwork for me to have access to their joint current account and get a bank card in my own name for the account. My dad still had his bank card (my mum’s dementia was too bad for her to have access to money at that point) and didn’t have to give any permission to use it. It was really easy to start using the POA.

He really is. It's awkward though because all anyone else sees is him doing his best to look after mum. I'm sure I really do look like the uncaring, selfish one to most people. Mum has covered up for him all his life so no-one else would guess that behind the facade of 'I'll do whatever I need to for my mum' he has been fighting against getting assessments and proper help, or that he regularly complains to her that she didn't help him enough when she could and will be responsible if he can't work and his child has no home.

OMG your brother is such a liability @bigdogpaws

Thanks for your advice re LPA everyone. Unfortunately I don't feel able to have joint and several LPA with B- I know that there is a duty to keep records of everything and restrictions on how mum's money could be spent and I don't trust B to do it properly. My work involves dealing with charity/trust finances so I can't afford to be linked to any suggestion of mishandling funds (eg if records were requested and we didn't have them). My plan is to send B some documents about the responsibilities and record keeping duties of LPA to help him decide whether he wants to do it. Then, as PP suggested, get the LPA asap and if he changes his mind he can work out how to change it. I know that Mum always said I should handle her money if she couldn't. B had previously said he was happy for me to be finance LPA (in fact he almost insisted on it) and I can't help wondering if he's read (as I have on the government website) that allowing someone to live in mum's house a below market rent would be a gift that an LPA isn't allowed to give. I know there are ways round it (probably involving getting a court agreement) if everyone decided that was in mum's best interests (eg to care for her) but I suspect his thinking is that if he is LPA he can just do it and (to coin his most used phrase) 'it will be OK, who's going to care'.

I am added to my parents bank accounts and when I registered the LPA there was the option for either me to take over entirely or for them to continue to have access too which is what we did. This was Lloyds, Halifax are part of the same group. So I have my own debit card for each of their current accounts to do bits of shopping for them and can perform other actions through online banking such as payments and transfers. They still get paper statements and never did do online banking. But I can't access their accounts on the app only the browser, so can't pay in cheques for them unless I go to a branch (DMum can still manage this by herself and does have a branch locally, I don't).

What experiences do people have of financial LPA where the attorney can act immediately (rather than waiting for capacity to go)... specifically, using them with banks? Halifax would be one of the institutions and IME can be error prone - I'm in two minds about whether to do anything now, as it would be a real PITA if they screwed up and removed ER's access to her own money 😬

@BestIsWest I'd just get yourself sorted out as the LPA sharpish. Don't worry about flakey brother.
After all, there's nothing stopping your DM from changing that any time she wants.
It's sensible to keep records of what you do as attorney anyway - in your case, time it all 😈 so if DB is interested you can "talk him through what it will involve" .

To be fair, she did give him the same hell. She kept writing letters saying she was being held prisoner, crying, packing her case, getting staff to phone and generally being quite nasty. I do need to disengage but I also care about her.

Did your mother give your brother the same hell when she was in hospital?@BestIsWest It may be time to enact some of the same strategies your brother uses to disengage from the shenanigans.

My situation at the moment my father seems to be getting on ok in the nursing home. It feels like at any moment the other shoe will drop and we'll be rushed headlong into crisis mode. He did something to his leg a few weeks ago that needed an xray and alothough the home were willing to send a carer along with him, my mother insisted we (me) could collect him and bring him instead. I have a theory she enjoys the misery. It won't happen again. I think I was railroaded into it without realising what was happening. I'm not enjoying this parent role switch that's happened so slowly you don't see it coming.

I will have to think about it I know. She will be an absolute nightmare. She made my life hell when she was in hospital last year for two months.

I’d encourage you to at least think about it, because those are tasks that are done when they are done. The way it’s headed you’ll end up have to sort a care home under time pressure due to discharge from hospital anyway. Which is considerably more stressful, believe me! Any house clearance etc can be done to your timescale not anyone else’s. I’m still doing mums 15 months after she moved into her CH - I live 100 miles away and DB is abroad.

@funnelfan DH has been saying the same thing. I’m thinking he’s right.

I know if she went into full time care the burden of sorting which home, sorting the finance, clearing and selling the house would all fall to me and I don’t think I can do it.

Bit late now, but is it possible to be as unavailable as your DB? What would have happened if the carer had to ring an ambulance instead - would it precipitate different care decisions?

Sorry you missed your volunteering day. Hope you found something nice to do instead.

"You can have joint and several LPA which is what DB and I have for DM. It means either of us can act independently. In reality that means I do everything."

Exactly the same here, with Mum and Dad each listed for each other too. So last year when Mum and Dad started to struggle and asked us to start using them, I did all the legwork (they were lodged with a solicitor, we had to get Mum and Dad to write to their solicitor giving consent as they still had capacity, plus I had to send in two forms of ID for each of them and me) and pay for each certified copy - one of each LPA for me and DB = 8 copies = about £100, and he bloody lost his. I also did all the setting it up online which is in several steps with waiting for passcodes to come by post etc. 18 months later he still hasn't done that either.

So there is a warning there, even if the LPAs are registered there are various steps before you can start using them online, it's not instant. Then some organisations take several weeks to accept them.