Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

@ElderlyDilemmas DM is in a carehome, contact with GP is supposed to be via CH nurse. Nurse from GP has been out but so far no follow up.

We dont want DM to shunted off to hospital for, well, anything. It would be too distressing for her.

I’d call 111 @GnomeDePlume I have generally found them very helpful at out of hours signposting / getting someone out, whatever.

Apologies, looking for any experience/knowledge.

DM has a very distended belly. Not in pain from it unless it is pressed. No bowel blockage noted. She does have kidney failure. She was on diuretics but GP stopped those when she was moved onto EOL care.

GP has been contacted but as usual is conspicuous only by his absence.

@rookiemere He cancelled the prescription delivery when he first took mum to stay with him (in the same town) for a while. I offered to change the address instead but he claimed it was 'too much fuss'. I suspect the real reason is that the pharmacy is linked to the GP surgery and does their own deliveries. He hasn't us to use his address for her on anything vaguely official or medical- I suspect because he fears that someone may visit and realise how entirely unsuitable the situation is and/or try to contact him instead of me about appointments etc. I think there was definitely also at least an element of expecting that I would feel obliged to take responsibility for collecting the medicine for her. He really does enjoy feeling he has some level of control over me (I'm sure this is why he always seems to be unsure whether he can make appointments until the 11th hour/changes his mind about whether he's going etc). It's exhausting and really not helpful to mum either

@bigdogpaws I remember when you said about B cancelling the prescription delivery service, and quelle surprise when it becomes a problem - as it was always going to be - it’s yours. I mean some of these decisions are insane. What possible reason did he/they have for doing this in the first place?

My B was closed to my parents when his DC were young and relied on them a lot for childcare. I paid for childcare.

@countrygirl99 Your B does sound very similar to mine. In our case, B lived with our parents until his 40s and chose to stay close by for access to free childcare etc. I moved away in my teens and in fact now live closer than I have in decades (by coincidence as I moved for work). B's argument is that it is my choice to live further away so if I have a long journey to do a 5 min job that's down to my poor choices. Whereas his decision to have a child later in life when his parents already had chronic illnesses etc is 'not his fault' and he believes that since I work term time only (mainly) and no longer have school age children I should step in to provide the free childcare that DM would have provided if she was younger/fitter (NB. Not the help I received, which was absolute emergencies only as we were 'too far away'). This odd battle over childcare has been going on since Dad first became seriously ill and I have always made my position very clear but B still acts like it's a surprise in the run up to every holiday. I have cut direct contact with B (after months of aggressive messages and increasingly threatening behaviour whenever we met face to face) unless I have another adult (not mum) present. So now I receive daily updates from Mum. The most recent update today about 'the silly business of that holiday' is that DM and B don't object to me going away in the Summer holidays as such, but I should have consulted them first because we could have all gone together for at least 1 week. Obviously it would have to be a UK holiday because DM and B don't want to fly and B's DP doesn't like hot places, we'd need somewhere large enough for all of us in one building, or very close by, to make it easier to share the childcare and of course plenty of activities for B's child. Apparently they had been discussing a Haven site. Which is all well and good and we had plenty of Haven style holidays when our DC were very small. But travelling with our 2 x young adults we want to spend our time and money on a different sort of holiday- with the freedom to spend long days sight seeing, go out for the evenings (or not if we don't want to) and generally do as we please without being tied to looking after a young child. My response that 'I am in my 50s and don't have to consult anyone' is a very selfish attitude. I don't really blame DM now (although she's always been rather disappointed that I haven't wanted to include B in my family holidays etc), as I know she's not really thinking properly but just repeating what B is telling her.

@bigdogpaws your B sounds like one of mine. Mum shouldn't need carers or cleaners because I should do all that including making sure she takes her morning and evening meds. I live an hour away. I shouldn't have hobbies or holidays because they detract from my availability should mum have an emergency and I should be available at the drop of a hat every time. But it's ok for B to move 5 hours away, he's entitled to live his life. Mum lives where she does because they moved to be near B and because he was close they gave him sole POA. He thinks that means he can tell me what to do. I went NC with him a few months ago and am sticking to my boundaries.

If your DM is capable of doing some of the tasks on her own, why does it matter if it takes her longer? What else is she planning to do with that time?

I wondered exactly the same thing @Foodfumbles

Also, it's not like you're already at the house every time your mother needs help. You've got to get there and back as well, so your five minutes ends up lasting a lot longer than your DM's forty-five minutes.

But DOES it really take only 5 minutes of your time? This is something my DM and B often claim- If DM tries to do something it will take her a long time, B is far too busy to do it, I am the only one who knows how to do it etc and it is magically only a 5 min job if I do it. What they conveniently forget is the 3-4 hour round trip to get to them to do the task, the hour or so getting DM to the stage where she feels ready for the task, at least an hour of 'whilst you're here' tasks and for many things they want me to do there is a lot of 'behind the scenes' work setting things up/following up etc. So the 5 min task invariably takes up a full day of my time. Even if I lived closer it would be half a day.

It sounds like they are treating your time as worthless. They want you 'on call' to do tasks exactly when they want them done rather than taking a little more of their own time to do them or paying for a professional. If your DM is capable of doing some of the tasks on her own, why does it matter if it takes her longer? What else is she planning to do with that time?

I know there's no easy answer though. I have taken a big step back from my DM and B as they refuse to consider proper care options (for now or in future) and today's list of reasons why I am a bad person include:

• Failing to remind B of an appointment DM has this week that he said he wanted to be at and arranged the time for. DM wants us both there and the HCP has said we don't both need to go if we are busy, but apparently I should have thought to check last week whether the time was still suitable for B and tried to rearrange if not.
• Failing to remind B to collect DM's latest prescription, failing to check that it had been collected and failing to drive over this morning to collect it instead. For context, I had previously arranged a delivery service but they cancelled it. They live 10mins from the allocated pharmacy and B is off work this afternoon.
• Arranging a 2 week family holiday for the summer (they became aware of this in the context of my availability to take her to a dental appointment). Apparently this is too long, and in any case I should have waited until closer to the time when I would know better what DM might need. It is also remiss of me to book this for school holidays as B might need childcare help (I have told him multiple times that I won't be his holiday child care and as DH and I both work in education we can't take other holidays).
• Spending some of our Easter holiday decorating rooms in our house. If we have time for this we have time to help them more. If we were going to redecorate, we should have been renovating to make it easier to have DM staying with us (a downstairs shower room has been mentioned).

You have to be prepared to ignore the passive-aggressive manipulation as much as possible @Foodfumbles. If it works on you, then she and your DB will ramp it up.

She can do it herself, but what takes me 5 minutes to do for her takes her 45+. On the days I have to go to work, I can’t do it for her so she does it (and then later tells me how long it took her).

I wasn’t in the good books tonight as she told me her hip was hurting and I didn’t respond quick enough so her words were ‘I may as well be invisible to you.’

Hi @Foodfumbles what happens if your mother needs the loo in the middle of the night?

It's a sad fact that her care needs will increase as she gets more disabled.

It's also unfortunate that women of your age frequently become very stressed and ill themselves when they look after an elderly parent/work full-time/look after their children.

All simultaneously.

You're ensuring that your own life expectancy gets reduced, by trying to do all this.

Adding in the sad fact that you've disclosed an abusive childhood, and it's a perfect storm.

Tell them you cannot do it. Literally can't.

Don't offer to find carers, either. Let your brother do that.

He'll soon be researching care homes when he finds that his life is being taken over by admin and endless phone calls, all day and all night.

Great response @funnelfan. Please read it very carefully @Foodfumbles. Do you live close enough that you can go round multiple times a day to help dress and toilet her? How long ago was she diagnosed? Is she declining rapidly?

What will happen if you or one of your children are ill? Want to go on holiday? Need to do overtime at work? Etc etc. Professional carers work as a team so cover each other and always available. Perhaps you should book a day out for your children or be ill suddenly so you need your brother to step in and see what happens.

@Foodfumbles welcome and sympathy.

She wont accept outside carers so I’m doing all the things my brother can’t / won’t e.g. having to help her with toileting and then emptying the commode etc

This bit leapt out to me - both your mother and brother get to “won’t” do something. You’re allowed to say you won’t do it any more too.

Many people on this thread draw the line at providing intimate and toileting care for their elderly parents. And as your mum declines, the likelihood is that she’ll need carers who are trained in proper lifting techniques, equipment etc to handle her. Far, far better to get used to it now so each additional need can be incorporated without too much adjustment.

One of the things I realised when my mum moved into residential care was that she was actually getting much higher quality care than I could provide - the staff are trained, used to dealing with residents with the same needs as my mum and know what to watch out for, and they have all the specialist equipment. I cringe now when I remember the last attempt to help mum have a bath.

@Foodfumbles you will find a lot of talk on this thread about resentment and guilt. You can never be totally free of either of them, much less both.

All you can do is decide which is the one you can live with the most easily. Only you can decide this.

What you can do is say to your DM that you can no longer do personal care. That outside carers need to come in or she needs to move to residential care.

IMO this is a specialist skill. As your DM declines she is going to need people who know how to lift and move her safely.

Our DPs decline does bring memories, history to the fore. It doesnt sound like any of this was happy for you.

I think we are living too long. There are so many things in place which are perpetuating DM's existence (I cant call it life).

I posted this in the stately homes thread too and this one was suggested to me.

Not really sure where to start. Brought up in a family where appearance was everything, anything that happened at home stayed at home eg. Parents arguing etc was not to be discussed out of the house. I was always too fat for my mum and I have tons of food issues thanks to how I was brought up around food. Self esteem issues. Told I would be pretty under the fat etc. I am the oldest and my brother younger, is like the golden boy. Before my mum’s health declined she would do everything for him.
She’s now been diagnosed with a life limiting illness that will affect her till she dies. She’s already unable to drive, go anywhere without support, needs help with her toileting and getting dressed etc.
I have found it really hard to care for her - the emotional toll as-well as the physical one of balancing her care with caring for my own children and working etc.
When I tried to tell my mum and brother this, I was called vile and selfish by my brother and my mum cried saying not once have I sent her suggestions on things she can do with her condition. (She’s been seeing the specialist every 3 months, I thought that’s what they were doing as I know nothing about the condition). She wont accept outside carers so I’m doing all the things my brother can’t / won’t e.g. having to help her with toileting and then emptying the commode etc. I don’t see how I can carry on doing this day in, day out for years.
I feel like I can’t see the wood for the trees, trying to be everything to everyone and burning out, while also feeling so much resentment towards how I was treated growing up in terms of food/appearance etc. My self-esteem is still rock bottom at almost 40.

That sounds a lot like my DM. She always liked to be 'involved' and regardless of the occasion would turn up to any gathering early to 'help set up' and would be the last to leave. She loved to step in an help if she though any friends or neighbours needed it. I know she really did mean to be helpful and caring but too often either her help was unwanted or she was taken advantage of. She would often get quite cross if she thought someone wasn't as deserving of her help as she'd thought or not sufficiently grateful (even when they clearly hadn't wanted help).
I think if DM's younger self could see how she is now, she'd be asking why there isn't a group of housewives/healthy retirees arranging a rota for visiting her/helping with her housework/taking her meals etc. I don't think she can understand that the people she knew who would have done this are now elderly themselves and their daughters are busy juggling work, teenagers and often care for their own elderly parents. I think she and B are expecting that if they can keep her at home these people will appear.
PP mentioned about wanting to 'go home' really meaning 'go home and be well again'. For my DM I think wanting to 'stay in my own home' really means wanting to be in familiar surroundings with constant company/care from friends and family. My own view is that realistically the closest we can get to this would be a care home that can become familiar, where she can get to know the carers/other patients and she will always have someone to chat to whilst she wants to and is able.

I am thank you. Sorry you've experienced similar/same.
Some days are harder than others aren't they!

Thank you @FiniteSagacity🌸

@countrygirl99thank you for your kind words. 4 is A LOT. I’m glad you have slightly less load on you now.

Both our fathers went early and quickly (think months). I now see this as a gift as they were both fully happy and independent and themselves up to death. I feel I should be more grateful that their care needs were minimal and for such a short period of time. However their loss meant both mothers looked to us overnight to be replacement spouses.

Year 12. I’m sorry. That’s so hard. Alzheimer’s is the most dreadful disease. The long goodbye.

Care home called my DH last week to pressurise for antibiotics for MIL’s chest infection despite it saying no antibiotics on her forms.
He gave in out of guilt. What is the point in these advance decisions if doctors just continue to pressure the carers.

We trudge on.

@WhatHaveIFound sorry for your loss.

@user555999000 I feel your pain. We are in year 12. Only DM left now but we had 4 to deal with at one stage. I have a horrible feeling DM will go on for years, she has Alzheimer's but physically is ok.

May I please join this thread.

Two widowed elderly parents. Sole carer for DM for nearly a decade. She has advanced Parkinson’s and mixed dementia. She’s just gone in a residential home, but I’m still reeling from years of her living very close by, and me being the go to for every single request and crisis, and my only sibling lives abroad.

All other family members close by fully distanced themselves since my DM got sick (they see her about 1-2 hours every two years or so, despite living in the same town).

I have very young children, work full time, perimenopause, and my own chronic health issues.

MIL has recently gone into permanent residential care. She has Alzheimer’s. DH is an only child. So we deal with all the crises and life admin for them both, and have done for almost a decade, and we are knackered/spent.
DM mid seventies and MIL early eighties. We don’t know anyone else our age that has been dealing with this so long from such an early age. The thought of another decade of this is so overwhelming.