Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

I realise posting the above I sound like a horrible daughter. I probably am.

DM and I werent close, at all, ever. For the last 30 years our relationship has been surface only and largely transactional.

DB likes to describe us as a close and loving family, we arent. I often describe it as middle class dysfunction. We dont get on but we dont fight.

There are things which I have found out in the last year or so which have further decreased my feelings towards DM.

So now I am stuck visiting the shell that is left of DM week in week out from a sense of obligation not love.

@GnomeDePlume Do you think perhaps your DB is hoping for some moments of lucidity before your mum passes that he thinks will be prevented if she takes morphine? Otherwise I'm really struggling to see a reason to object to morphine for someone at your DM's stage.

I know my B is clinging to all hope of DM 'getting back to normal again' despite very obvious signs that this won't ever happen. Every time we come away from an appointment or assessment without a dementia diagnosis he becomes more adamant that mum will be fine. My reading of the same discussions is that Mum definitely has some cognitive problems and is experiencing severe anxiety/delusions/hallucinations but they can't yet confirm whether there is a single diagnosis that explains it all or a combination of factors. I think he's partly hoping she will magically get better and be delighted with him for not allowing her to be persuaded to move in to residential care/annoyed with me for suggesting such a thing.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne no, I'm not even sure if there is a syringe driver in the EOL pack. I think though dont know (DB doesnt give away information) that DM will just be given morphine injections if required.

At the moment DM is largely asleep, doesnt appear to be in extended periods of discomfort.

DB doesnt want morphine to be used at all if possible. He visits daily so it is him who gets listened to.

We are just watching her agonisingly slow decline. The agony is the observer's rather than hers. Though DB wants this to go on forever.

My cynical view is that he wants every last penny of her (which he thinks of as DF's) money spent so that other DB doesnt 'get his hands on DF's money'.

In fact DM's estate (bugger all anyway) is left to DGCs (all adults). But main DB is spiteful when it comes to other DB.

@GnomeDePlume Have they even started the syringe driver yet?

Thanks all, let’s see how Tuesday goes. Frankly if they could sneak some antidepressants into her medication concoctions it would be best for everyone.

@GnomeDePlume poor everyone. Harold Shipman has a lot to answer for.

DM's decline continues. Visited yesterday, I visit once a week.

DM slept almost the whole time, just waking for odd minutes. Barely moved.

During the times she was awake I talked about things which the family was doing. It meant nothing to DM, just words spoken.

The distended abdomen remains. Possibly we will hear from the GP this week. DB and I are in rare agreement that we dont want DM to go to hospital.

@rookiemere I'm another saying ride it out. I had to ride it out with both DM and DB.

DM wanted to go home but as we have talked about a lot on this thread a lot of it was wanting to go back in time. It slowly became less coherent as her grip on time deteriorated.

With DB it was a case of telling him to find somewhere better if he was that unhappy with DM's CH. Of course he wasnt going to.

@rookiemere sympathy, we had a wobble with Dad and the nursing home about a month in, he insisted he wanted to move to a different one despite having agreed on this one, said the staff weren’t taking time to listen to him (he has no dementia but has some loss of processing and speech, he can only get a few words out at a time) etc etc. I sat with him and went through this, I said “do you feel safe here, are they meeting your medical needs, are they helping you eat (he has virtually no use of his arms)” and the answer to all that was yes. I did speak to the manager and asked them to remember that he needs time to speak, doesn’t have dementia etc. Then we left it. This was at Christmas, he is much happier now. I think he just had a feeling of total loss of control of everything (he couldn’t visit the homes before we chose one but it is near his house and he had visited it for events previously, we looked at websites and photos together after mum and I visited them all) and was pushing back. He is a lovely, polite, kind man but the sudden loss of independence has been really hard for him. In your shoes I would ride it out too.

You are right that it’s a lot easier, it’s also a lot safer in a home with teams of trained and experienced people to look after them. You have gone a good thing and deserve to relax a bit now.

Thanks @FinallyHere DH and I agreed that it was better that it is DM rather than DF that is unhappy as at least she is bedridden and unable to escape unlike DF who might have had enough agency to break out and get a taxi ( although as he can’t remember the front door code even though it’s the same year as they got married that’s probably not likely).

Did your DM settle down ? Or do I just need to wait until she is unable to speak and write which doesn’t seem too far away?

I mean I totally get how horrible the whole situation must be for her and because her speech has now deteriorated so badly and many of the care staff don’t have English as their first language, she is really struggling to communicate. But because of the dementia she’s demanding and unpleasant so I can see why they aren’t busting a gut to try and understand.

I need to emotionally detach really. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with her care from what I have seen. It’s still a lot easier than when they were at home.

Sorry you are going through this @rookiemere. It is a tough time for you and for your DM.

my DSis would suggest I listen out for complaints about things that are dangerous anything else we just listened and agreed but did nothing because there was nothing to do.

Thank you @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne that makes total sense and deep down I know you are right.

I think being at the care home has made her realise that she isn’t independent in any way at all, whereas at home she didn’t really have to face up to that. I have never heard her say she didn’t want to live anymore despite her life being very hard over the past year.Plus she could distract herself with paperwork and worrying about DF. There is also an odd side to their relationship over the past couple of years where only one can be in equilibrium at a time. I think what she actually wanted was DF to go into the care home so she didn’t have to worry about him anymore.

But you’re right, they had to go into a home. I just don’t know what to say when I see her next on Tuesday. Copilot has given me some helpful responses, I hope I can stick to them. I must remember it’s still a hundred times better - for me and DH certainly- than them being at home, and as you say DF is thriving and enjoying the regular visits from us.

@rookiemere there is no care home on the planet which gives medication at the same time each day. There are too many variables to factor in.

I have a feeling that even if your DM's meds were given exactly as she wishes they were, then she'd find something else to complain about.

It's the situation which is bothering her: the medication is just a symptom of the loss of independence, the loss of health, the loss of familiarity.

Don't start wondering if you did the right thing. You did. There was no other reasonable solution to what had been going on for so long.

Look back at all your posts from before your mum and dad went into the home. You'll see that you had no other choice.

I personally doubt if moving your DPs would achieve anything other than another huge upheaval.

Your dad has settled in and is actually thriving. I honestly don't think that your mum would settle any better in a different home.

So sorry @jellyfish798 🤗

Hi I wondered if anyone had come across this.For those of you that know my story, DPs have recently moved to a care home. DF - who was very against the idea - has settled in well and now that he is being well fed and hydrated seems in better nick than he has done for many years, albeit with not much memory. DM was the one who wanted to move to a care home, but due to her dementia it has not gone well. She is obsessed by her medication routine and outraged if anything is at all late, which as she is on many medications sometimes happens. She is also very frail and had a fall which resulted in her breaking an arm. On DHs last visit she had written “I would rather die than remain in this hell hole”. I don’t know what to do really. It seems like a nice care home and the staff all seem pleasant when we are there, DF says it’s good.
I think it’s because she is now very difficult to understand as her speech has almost gone and the anxiety around the medication is her only form of control, plus she is in pain because of the arm.
I have emailed the care home manager to see if there’s anything we can do, have also suggested that maybe she should go on anti anxiety meds, but with her medical background she will probably refuse. It’s so rubbish really I wish we could just dose her up with morphine and make her comfortable.
But a tiny part of me wonders if we did get the right care home. It was all done in extreme haste, they were too frail to visit. Is it common for EPs to state things like that ?

@Choux no, sadly well past that stage. Only really got it done in the nick of time and it was me that was pushing my parents to set up POA. I knew he would treat it as a power thing and tried to get them to do joint and several by arguing it's a big responsibility for one person and what if he's on holiday or ill himself to no avail.

Does your mum still have capacity to change her POA?

I think you are all probably right that he's trying to force my hand. But I'm having a chat with an acquaintance who manages a care home about how best to handle this. Some of her suggestions could badly backfire on him. It's a question of how nuclear I want to go. I'm seeing mum in a couple of days and I'll decide my approach after that. Acquaintance is in another part of the country so she has no skin in the game.

Do you suppose he is doing this to force your hand in some way?

@countrygirl99 I agree with this - in the light of what you have said previously, I read your post thinking your B is trying to provoke you into reacting and getting in contact. What an arse.

Yes. This could be the reason.

That is awful @countrygirl99 , cruel and mean to choose somewhere because it is cheap.

Do you suppose he is doing this to force your hand in some way?

God how frustrating for you. 😬

@jellyfish798 condolences.

So it looks like golden balls is trying to force mum into a care home regardless of her wishes/needs because now I'm not talking to him he can't bark orders at me. I'm not against her going into a home. I actually think she would be happier in the right home. BUT (there's always a but isn't there), golden balls hasn't visited any homes. He's picked the cheapest one that always has a high vacancy rate (which says a lot). It's one of several I have visited and it was one of the 2 that I wouldn't never want mum to go to. Not just poor activities but the standard of care I witnessed was appalling.He knows that and he knows exactly why I said it wasn't suitable. She also has no needs yet that can't be met at home. And the bastard has sole POA.