Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

We are a bit worried about MIL who lives in Malaysia. SIL just phoned to say that the carer found her lying on the floor unconscious and there was a lot of blood. An ambulance has been called so she is on her way to hospital and SIL will meet her there. Poor DH isn't really sure what to hope for. She's extremely elderly by Malaysian standards where life expectancy is lower than Europe, she's 91. She has breast cancer that she and the family have decided not to treat, mostly because there's a high risk that she wouldn't survive an operation. If she were to pass away from this fall it would probably be her preferred way to go over a slow decline from cancer. It was about 3 am out there when SIL phoned so I'm not sure when we will next hear from her.

Having spent some quite considerable time with my parents on elderly care/frailty wards and in A&E in the last year I am absolutely sure you are doing the right thing declining hospital treatment. I saw so many patients who clearly had some sort of dementia (or at least cognitive decline) being left to their own devices when they clearly needed assistance or at least someone to speak to them. The staff on these wards are simply too busy to give them the time they need. Since there's no treatment she can be given in hospital that will actually make her 'better' again I can't see how anyone could disagree with the decision to let her stay where she is comfortable and well cared for. My DF didn't have any cognitive problems but found the hospital ward unpleasant. If I'd somehow know how close to the end he was (he had a chronic condition but with treatment he was not expected to be close to the end) I would have campaigned for him to spend the time at home. A&E was another matter all together. Last time I was there with mum (after a 'fall' which I am sure was only in her mind, but B insisted she needed an ambulance to A&E) there was a patient alone and attached to a drip who clearly had dementia. She was calling for help and kept trying to climb off the bed and pull it out- when I alerted the staff I was told they knew all about her and didn't have time to keep going to her. I totally understand how difficult it must be for the staff but the poor woman was clearly scared.

@GnomeDePlume you'd have thought so but they still made it hard work until he died. Still rubbish to this day. Once mum actually gets to see her GP they are good but they insist on trying to phone mum directly to make appointments despite knowing that she doesn't answer the phone (not only deaf but dementia means she doesn't recognise the noise as the phone) and, on the rare occasions she does answer, her Alzheimer's means she forgets all about it and doesn't let anyone know to make sure she goes.

@countrygirl99 ouch! That GP must have felt that!

@GnomeDePlume your mum's GP sounds like my mum's. During COVID they refused to see dad face to face and despite his complex co-morbidies and deafness insisted on phone appointments. Even after assuming his knee pain was his arthritis when it was severe joint infection with a higher fatality rate than COVID. In the end it took 2 consultant letters following admissions saying face to face appointments were necessary. The second said "I do not expect to see Mr X on my ward again because you have failed to give appropriate treatment"!

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne yes, DB accepts that the end is near.

I think the thing he doesnt get is that DM is going to die of something. At some point one of her failing organs is going to tip over into stopping completely.

My strong opinion is that I would rather that happen in the calm environment of the CH where there is plenty of staff. The worst possible thing would be for DM to have a heart attack or stroke waiting in a corridor in A&E to be admitted for treatment.

The GP is a waste of clean shorts (to quote Bart Simpson).

@rookiemere ugh, I'm another one who can't deal with nails.

I don't mind doing my own, and having lost nearly ten stone, I don't have to go to the chiropodist anymore.
I couldn't reach down to my feet before

But other people's nails make me feel ill.

Gnome, it doesn't sound like your mother's GP has any common sense.

It's fortunate that he backed down so easily, though. I'm surprised that your brother agreed with you about declining a hospital admission. Do you think this means that he's realised that the end is getting closer?

@Stressybetty that sounds horrible for all concerned. I hope you are able to 'spring' your DM soon.

@rookiemere I am glad your visit went ok. Totally with you on not doing nail filing. I dont do feet, at all. Dont even do my own.

DM finally had blood test results which show she is at a very low ebb (not a surprise). GP wanted her to go to hospital for treatment. DB and I both said a resounding 'no' so DM receiving less intensive treatment in the CH.

I suspect the GP was just going off what Dr Google told him as it is a long time since he has seen her in person. So only making a clinical judgement rather than considering the person as a whole.

Given the GP backed down on hospital quite quickly I think he was happy enough with DB and I being responsible for declining treatment on DM's behalf.

Difficult few days, MIL got whisked into hospital following a malicious phone call to the police saying she was at risk of death. Nasty landlord denying it of course but may have egged on toxic neighbour to do it. Hospital says no medical issues, can tell she's well cared for and no need for her to be there but social services are blocking her return home. Thankfully BIL is high up in dementia care albeit elsewhere and pushing all he can but every day she's there is a risk of mobility loss and hospital infection. We have OT visit soon accompanied by the social worker so hopefully she'll be back by end of the week.

Thankfully an ok visit- it’s always the same when I gird my loins in advance and had a nice few minutes stroking the care home cat to lower my stress levels.DMs antibiotics must have kicked in as she was back to usual levels of cantankerousness and even asked how my job was going.

I suppose the flip side of dementia is that DF has changed from a fairly demanding belligerent character to a Werthers type grandfather. He is delighted when I arrive, delighted to be outside and we have the same conversation every time about how pleased he is that DS is doing well at university.

The only slight tricky bit was DM asking for her nail file. She clearly wanted me to file them for her, but for some reason I am really anti doing things like that so I said I would ask the care home lady to do it as I know there’s someone to do nails.

@rookiemere good luck for today. I know the tense feeling before a visit, the feeling of 'which DM am I going to get today'. The fear that the visit is going to be miserable for all concerned.

One of the tragedies of dementia is that it strips away so much of what makes us social animals.

We arent supposed to live this long.

@GnomeDePlume I don’t blame you for feeling disheartened, it has gone on for such a long time.
My friend was phoned from her DMs care home when we were out for wine before Christmas about preparing for EOL and she is also still existing. It seems so unkind to allow people to suffer like this, it’s clear they aren’t going to get better so why not let them slip away.
Anyway you’re in a good mood today so I will try not to dwell. Wish me luck for DM visit today, copilot has given me a script to follow so I don’t get drawn into the emotions, I hope it works.

Thank you everyone. 💐I always feel down after visiting DM and for some reason this week was particularly bad. A sense of this is going to go on forever.

Anyway, a new day and I'm feeling brighter.

Onwards, onwards.

@GnomeDePlume Even if you haven't been especially close to your DM, from your posts it's always been clear that you want what's best for her and have shown great compassion. It sounds like your DB, similar to mine, has been closer to her but unable to differentiate between what's actually in her best interests and what makes him feel better.

I think in many ways caring for elderly relatives is like looking after teenagers/toddlers in that what is actually in their best interests is often not what makes you most popular with them in the moment, or what's easiest for you to do.

I’ve actually had a stomach bug this last week - not sure it was norovirus but it wasn’t pleasant! However it meant I could stay home and leave DB do all the shopping etc for DM. Didn’t mean that I missed out on all responsibilities though.

I’m now up to 13 phone calls to different people to arrange DM’s Denosumab jab and resigned myself I’ll have to take her for the two hour round trip to hospital on Friday to have it. Not out of the woods with the phone calls though as it means I have to rearrange the district nurses who are calling on Friday and are happy to give her the jab but no one else will let them! Madness.

Yes, norovirus is always a good shout for an excuse.

Visited mum this evening. Golden balls obviously did a big overcompensation shop when he visited a week ago as the house is full of fruit and yoghurt that mum never eats. No doubt the carers will report that they have had to throw it away eventually and he will moan that she has issues managing her food. She does but buying food she never chooses herself is setting her up to fail. And she has no memory of saying she wants to go into a home and has no idea why GB would think she does. But DB2 and I don't think he has actually done anything about organising it. I'm pretty sure he was trying to get a reaction from me or to get DB2 to do all the work. Hard to make arrangements from 5 hours away when mum very rarely answers the phone.

@Foodfumbles how about you develop an infectious disease which means you can't go to her house for a couple of weeks.

You'd have a wonderful chance to look after your children properly and your mother would have to arrange carers.

Win-Win.

So drained at the moment and feel like I’m barely holding it together. My brother is away so all the care for my mum is falling to me. My entire day has revolved around her today, which has meant no breathing room. My children were over an hour late to bed because we were still at her house. They were crying, arguing, I ended up shouting at them which I hate doing. Her house is a mess as I don’t have the energy to sort it and she physically can’t. Mine is a mess too as I’m too tired to face anything now. She wouldn’t even let me take them out the front door till they stopped crying for fear of what her neighbours might think!!
I told her it’s just too much for us for an extended period like this and she didn’t see my point of view at all. She said she’s barely asked for much time and she’ll add up all the time me helping her takes to show how little it is.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne you are right DB is terrified that DM is dying and then what will he do? You are also right that he is gatekeeping every aspect if DM's care.

DB and DM have always been very blamey. Anything bad has to be somebody's fault. He doesnt want anybody saying that DM's passing is his fault. Of course they arent going to but he is stuck in that childhood way of thinking.

@GnomeDePlume Please don't doubt yourself, because you are someone who always gives good, supportive advice on this thread.
Yes, you show compassion.
I'm sure that nobody here thinks anything bad of you, truly.

Of course you're conflicted about your mother. Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents, for many, many reasons.

You've said in the past that your brother's raison d'être is his relationship with your mother. He has clearly realised that she is his anchor, and that he is about to be cast adrift.

He also seems to have a skewed idea that the administration of morphine will hasten your mother's death. It won't - it will just ease her passing.

He's terrified of her death and feels that he can't agree to anything which might (in his eyes) make it happen any faster. He doesn't trust the CH staff and feels that he has to gatekeep everything that they do to your mother. It wouldn't surprise me if he thought that they dislike her enough to just give her morphine so that she's less trouble to them.

Gnome, in my opinion, this is just your brother trying to orchestrate things and exert a degree of control, on your mother's behalf. You've spent many years seeing through him. Your reaction is to be expected.

@rookiemere I think having to carry the burden alone as you are is much harder.

@bigdogpaws facade is the right word. Visiting DM yesterday I dont think she recognised me except for a few seconds. Though she did brighten a little when DB came in.

I think I am struggling with emotional fatigue when it comes to DM. We have been to the brink too many times. There are only so many times you can steel yourself for yourself and others before you stop caring so much.

@GnomeDePlume I can fully sympathise with your feelings about your DM. My mum and B have always liked to give the impression that we are very close and ultra supportive of one-another. In reality it's all a facade and the 'do anything for on another' aspect has always been very one-sided in favour of B. It seems like they both believe the pretence and are shocked that I'm not acting like we are all the very best of friends and a tight-knit family.

I find myself smiling through gritted teeth when B describes to social workers/HCP what a wonderful parent DM was and how 'we' want to take care of her now. It never seems the right time to say 'actually, she never visited me and has no idea what I've been doing for the last 20 years'.

@GnomeDePlume you aren’t a horrible daughter, you’re a normal person pulled beyond the normal limits of expectations. You are kind and thoughtful in your advice and input on these threads, you are compassionate.

Honestly it maybe is a very good thing I am an only DC. It’s clear to me that DM now has no quality of life - she can’t see to read, she can’t communicate through speech or writing to most people, she is in constant pain and her emotions are all negative. If she was at the point of slipping away and someone was needlessly prolonging her life I would be very angry with them and selfishly angry I was forced to live a half life through the process.

@bigdogpaws it is incredibly frustrating when grown men cant face facts about their mummies isnt it?

DB is deluding himself into believing that DM not disagreeing with him or echoing words he has said is the same as being engaged in a conversation. But TBH he is like that with everyone.