Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

Mum was moved to end of life care (again) in the care home a few weeks ago after yet another distressing and pointless 36 hours in A&E without admission. She was on a syringe driver with morphine and sleeping a lot, but started eating a little again at the weekend, so the syringe driver was removed yesterday and they are now just administering morphine orally. She was very distressed yesterday- calling for help, paranoid, and having frightening hallucinations. I asked the nurses if they can give her anything for mental distress. They said they need to speak to the doctor. I feel I need to go to the care home today again and advocate for her. She shouldn't be left like that. DF90 will want to come with me, but i feel like I need a break from him. He made a comment yesterday about how one of his carers (a young man) at home says he looks after his mum because 'it's the least he can do after all she's done for him', and how admirable he thought that was. It felt like emotional manipulation. I will be with DF all day tomorrow taking him to two appointments and was looking forward to a break from it all today. It's just so relentless. Poor mum. I really just wish it was over for her and she could be at peace, but she keeps on going.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne

THE. BEST.

even Mr Monkey who’s been worried sick over GB challenging the will (abuse overshadows everything in his family) pissed himself.

I think he enjoyed the exchange by text.

”just £520.73p?”
”yes”
”but civil servants have huge pensions.”
”he wasn’t a civil servant.”
”but don’t I get a lump sum when he dies?”.
”that’s death in service, it would go to his wife or partner”
”not me?”
”no, not his brother. Anyway he wasn’t working as he was medically retired”

me, under my breath:
”which you would have known about had you given a fuck about him. Twat.”

OMG that sounds exactly like him @ManchesterMonkey

What a dick.
🤣

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne hello! Lovely to see a Stately Homer. I hope you are OK.

I feel sad that my brothers are exhibiting twatish behaviour. I saw too much of that with The Hag. They are, obviously, NOT in that league. I just hope this bollocks can be nipped in the bud. Just as I supported Mr Monkey with The Hag, he’s being so supportive of me.

If you mean Golden Boy Vile Brother of Mr Monkey? I very much suspect that he won’t be bothering us for any of the estate of MM’s late brother who died in January, which was left to MM in its entirety.

GB has no money for a lawyer; he’s desperate for the £520 from a pension residue that late BIL had forgotten to change over to MM when BIL cut GB out of his will.

I thought my sister in law (GB’s long suffering ex-wife) was going to die laughing.

“5200 pounds?”
”No, 520 pounds. And 73p.”
Hysterical laughter.
”careful, you’ve spat your wine all over the table.”

Oh @ManchesterMonkey I remember all your posts about your dreadful MIL several threads ago (I've graduated and name-changed)

What happened to your husband's brother in the end?

@BestIsWest on my second glass. I’ve retreated to my teenage bedroom. I’m admiring my book collection of Mallory Towers. I think mum is getting a free week to test ‘light touch’ care. i can feel the chill winds from Europe as I am copying all emails to Sibling 1.

we had a disaster with hospital discharge and care with The Hag/Toxic MIL, but I’m really glad that you had a good experience as it’s hit and miss.

Thankfully, my mum hasn’t had a stay in hospital since giving birth 50+ years ago. She’s in relatively good health, just frail.

I’ve pointed out to Sibling 2 that Mummy Monkey just sitting in front of the TV as she is at the moment - not like her, it’s back pain from one of her falls and I think she’s depressed - is not a recipe for healthy cognition.

@countrygirl99 I’ve jyst googled Pivotell, I never knew this existed.

Apparently, I’m not allowed to Google 🤦🏻‍♀️ as this ‘causes me to overthink things’, actually said by Sibling 2 to me this afternoon.

I pointed out that the NHS and Age UK websites were not created by 18 year old Instagram influencers with breast implants and mahogany fake tans.

FFS.

@ManchesterMonkey ILs are in laws.
Mum's carers check she's taken her meds and remind her if necessary as she doesn't always hear the pivotell (not that she needs hearing aids, oh no, her hearing is perfect!). But they don't let me know if the batteries die between my visits meaning the meds aren't being released.

@ManchesterMonkey I enjoyed your rant very much. Sorry that you’re having to rant however. Enjoy that cold glass of wine!

In regards to DMs care, we were lucky in a way that she was discharged from hospital with 6 weeks free care and then social services realised she was incapable of taking her medication correctly after she cocked it up when I was on holidays and they insisted that the carers took over administering it which meant she got between two and four calls a day.
They outsourced to a private company but they pay the bulk of the cost.

So, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 HAVE been discussing money. I knew it anyway, I just cornered Sibling 1 when I had him trapped in the car and he confirmed it.

“We didn’t want to worry you.”
”how old am I? SIX?”

Livid that Sibling 1 lied to me “oh, it’s not about the money”. Of course, it’s about the money and the ridiculous trust that my father set up. I’m not a child, so just TALK TO ME.

I’ve pointed out AGAIN that I cannot and will not take all of this on. I’m too nice for my own good and I’m going to have to be REALLY tough to not sink into being unpaid carer.

I’m calling for an in-person family conference including mum in June. And when it’s convenient to ME as I’ve booked holiday AND I’ve got two major work events on.

I’ve told Sibling 1 that if Sibling 2 speaks over me again or talks to me like it’s a board meeting I will FUCKING LOSE IT.

I want full transparency and us all involved.

And I will withdraw my good will if I’m not respected - as they say in the trade union movement…

My estate is DEFINITELY going to a Kitty home rather than my siblings or nieces. Nieces are Fucking spoilt brats anyway, courtesy of Sibling 1’s parenting.

oh, look, the Sauv is calling.

Ladies, I have NO idea as to how so many of you have coped for such a long time OR if you also have kids.

THE PATRIARCHY. AAAAAAGH.

@funnelfan thank you. Having been a university lecturer in Poland, I know EXACTLY the kind of lady to which you refer!

That’s awful regarding your mum’s possessions. Some people…🤬

I found the toxic MIL aka The Hag’s carers (Manchester) to be really good and jolly and they went the extra mile. She, of course, was bloody rude to them.

It’s interesting about the level of care. A friend’s mum switched between private and publicly funded and felt the same about not much difference.

@BestIsWest that’s really interesting….my friend (Cardiff) had to fight tooth and nail for decent support. In the end she thought fuck it and took out a bank loan to pay for the level of care she felt her mum required. She ended up not being able to cope with the local authority!

@Choux that’s really helpful. I can see that I will end up like the mistress of a small country house organising service. Mum has a cleaner who cleans, but won’t do laundry. The carers may or may not do laundry, but I’m told they will (who knows). I have a sinking feeling that I will need to locate a 19th century laundress OR I’ll be doing it (as my siblings seem likely to expect)

And on that note, I’ve had a VERY frank discussion with Sibling 2 about the level of support I am giving.

”You’ve been brilliant these past six weeks, monkey.”

”Can I stop you just there, I’ve been supporting mum to some degree or other since Christmas 2023 and in that time needs have greatly increased…”

Hi @countrygirl99 I’m such a novice to this - what’s IL? I do know Age UK is a federation model of local charity services area by area, so some areas will be good and others will be the basics e.g., signposting. Some will have contracts with local authorities and may offer better services, but contracts are three years and funding can be lost. It’s the same with MIND. In another life, I worked in the charity sector and it was so frustrating to lose contracts, have to cut jobs and services. Nightmare.

care for the elderly is shocking, hence the army of unpaid carers (mostly women). Just had a rant about it to / at Sibling 2 in his car.

Oh, and our experience of AgeUK was very similar to @countrygirl99. A good few years ago now, mum was told by other a doctor or nurse that she could ask AgeUk for someone to come and sit with dad (when he was very frail) for a couple of hours to enable her to leave the house to go to her own hospital appointment. I’ve no idea if they have volunteers that do that in other parts of the country, but they certainly didn’t around there. It actually put mum off asking for help from other sources, she felt really stupid for asking.

Mum was in Trafford (Greater Manchester), her state commissioned care covered washing, feeding, pad checks and changes, supervision of medication. They weren’t supposed to help her take the medication, just supervise but they all helped. She often declined having a wash and some didn’t push it even when she was distinctly whiffy. Although one lady of Eastern European origin did use to insist on mum being washed, she was very brisk and mum hated her but DB and I thought she was great.

No cleaning - some carers didn’t even wipe up after themselves if they spilled something when making drinks, although most did wash up after meals. The system allowed us to pay the carer company directly for an additional hour of cleaning, which ended up being a wipe over of kitchen surfaces, some bleach down the toilet and a run around with the hoover. The more sensible carers changed her bedding if she’d had an accident, some didn’t. I did her laundry when I visited weekly.

No shopping - again it would have been possible to come to a private arrangement with the carers if we’d wanted.

To be honest, I think the carers did the best they could under the constraints they had. At a minimum they were all kind and patient with mum and had a cheerful word for her, even if some of the younger ones were lacking in common sense. We had privately arranged carers before the state commissioned ones and to be honest there really wasn’t any difference.

However, somewhere along the way my grandma’s pearl necklace and my dad’s gold watch left the house. When isn’t clear, so I can’t point fingers but it’s left a grubby feeling that someone took advantage of a clearly vulnerable elderly person in that way. It wouldn’t stop me having carers in the future but I’d certainly do a better job at removing all valuables first.

My parents had privately funded carers in Lancashire. They also would do the above activities but no vacuuming, dusting, cleaning bathroom etc. I used to order shopping online to be delivered and do a LOT of cleaning every time I went to stay.

Edited to add they did do washing but I think that was a special favour as they like my parents and I lived a long way away so couldn’t drop by weekly to do the washing.

@GnomeDePlume I've noticed the same thing re family dynamics (and 'crystalised' seems to be the perfect word to describe it).

My brother has always acted (with our parents encouragement) as though he was somehow much cleverer than everyone else, but at the same time everything he has ever done is more noteworthy/takes more effort/requires more help etc than for everyone one else. I've always just got on with things and so have been treated as though anything I do is easy or 'fun'. For a very long time I have just ignored the talk of how amazing brother is, parents have congratulated/supported him and it has had little real impact on my life. Now that DF has passed and DM needs help, brother feels he knows best and has the right to dictate what happens and he and DM think I have an easy life and should run around after both of them.

State funded carers in Swansea: Give medication, make breakfast, offer to help wash and dress (but DM declines), make bed, open curtains, empty commode, wash breakfast dishes and wipe over kitchen surfaces, and then similar in evening. They wouldn’t vacuum, put washing on or shop.

We pay max of £400 per month.

What I have experienced is that family dynamics have crystalised.

I have 2 DBs but seldom mention the 'other DB' because we arent in any sort of contact. No great falling out just no interest in each other. Sometimes I would ask after him via DM.

DB1 assumed the role of 'head of the family' when DF died 30+ years ago. I ignored his nonesense because it didnt matter. Now it is having an impact.

So we had fun...

The hospital discharged ER. Nary a word to anyone in the family, we only found out when we called up to speak to her and was told she was gone. Thankfully they told her carers. The other fun is that, during this stay, they felt that she had capacity. Thankfully they didn't fill the form out to say so, but it's a potential spanner in the works as the only way she was able to go home after the last stay was after a finding she lacked capacity so couldn't fire her carers. We also have a CoP application in place, and really don't need that scuppered now.....

@ManchesterMonkey It sounds like a move to Manchester would be perfect for your mum and far better for you. I would be worried about what help your brothers will be though- especially the one who lives overseas. I know you've said you'd want them to do more than just 'respite' but I think it would be wise to try to pin them down to exactly what they will do on an ongoing basis. Otherwise I think there's a real risk you'll want to go on holiday or away for work and they will be 'busy' or have a sudden important work meeting. I'm sure there will definitely be tasks that they can do remotely and regularly (eg. admin/organising online shopping etc) and maybe get them to agree that provided you give an agreed amount of notice of going away they must agree between themselves for one of them to do the things you usually do or they are responsible for finding someone external to do it if you can't.

No shopping or housework. Cambridgeshire. But that info is from golden balls and he lied about assisted living after dad died so may not be correct. Mum's care is self funded but provided via the council so we get reduced rates and no minimum daily charge.

It's not just a postcode lottery for councils. You'll often see posts saying Age UK do this that and the other but they don't where my mum lives. It's literally just a voicemail line. All they do is phone back.a few days later and send email links to information you've already found on their website. Totally different where ILs were where they did offer all the services, someone came round and helped them claim all the benefits they were entitled to and spoke to social services on his behalf when he wouldn't let them talk to us because I'd told them something he didn't want them to know when he was trying to manipulate family members.

@ManchesterMonkey

Perhaps other posters could tell us what state funded carers will do and perhaps the area if they feel comfortable . I'll go first . No shopping or housework . Essex .

And this place is a LIFE LINE. Like many of us, I didn’t anticipate weird family dynamics come into play. My dad would be turning in his grave, frankly. And who knew REBEL DAUGHTER would be sorting out planning?

Hi @GoldMoon that’s really useful to know.

Weirdly, in the county Mummy Monkey lives in the council funded carers will do light cleaning (no need as mum has a cleaner) and they will do shopping. It came as a complete surprise to me as I expected any care to consist of chucking medication at her from the front door and then scampering off.

Of course, it may be dreadful, but I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt.

In Manchester, the council we found to be good and thorough for Mr Monkey’s DREADFUL mother. Obviously, she preferred to be a martyr and expected Mr Monkey to move in with her. Not sure where that left me in her plans. 😹 He didn’t move in, needless to say.

All of this learning I’m doing - thanks to everyone here - makes it clearer and clearer that elderly care really is a postcode lottery. Wholesale reform is needed.

The cavalry has arrived in the form of Sibling 2 who is much more sensible and LISTENS. Mummy Monkey is asleep (she’s always been nocturnal 🦇) and I’ve told him it’s about Mum’s safety and her wishes, not about what we as children want.

And, actually, I would be probably taking on more, like shopping, light touch support, but on my terms, and on my doorstep is manageable, not travelling here to Outer Mongolia,

But I’m not halting things like holidays, my career, my social life and interests, and I am not a de facto carer and I am NOT doing intimate care (which she doesn’t need)

That’s all ok so long as any support offered by Sibling 1 is not presented to me as fucking RESPITE care and we share equally admin. And when I need support I get it.

A day of sorting out beckons after I hammer out a report for a client. God bless Chat GPT at the moment.