Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

Hugs and condolences @NDornotND .

So sorry to hear that @NDornotND
Your dad will be lost without her.

Condolences @NDornotND. We will still be here if you need us. 💐

Sorry for your loss @NDornotND . Wishing you strength for the days ahead.

I'm sorry for your and your DF's loss @NDornotND

I am sorry for your loss @NDornotND

Mum passed away this morning. I am relieved she is finally at peace but sad for myself and especially DF - they had been married more than 65 years and he is bereft. Thank you everyone for your support recently.

I went on a long charity walk with a friend and her cousin today (we are all in our mid 40s) . After the event the cousins family all met us - her parents are in their late 60s & live near the finish line. They made such a fuss of us with drinks & food all set out at their house & kept saying well done and generally looking after us. I have come away just feeling wow - I have not felt “looked after” like that for years. I have just done so much caring for my elderly parents for the last 10 years - hosted every Christmas/Easter - my negative feelings are seeping into everything even on nice days like today, I am done in I think

@Ritaskitchen I had a similar situation where DPs had just about been managing for a number of years, but wheels fell off the bus very quickly when DM - who was previously the more with it of the two of them - had a fall and became more or less bedbound. It’s really hard because they were so interdependent and between the two of them, just about made up one functioning person.

Honestly I would push hard now if they have the funds to get things outsourced. If you discuss it with your DM, you may find some of their friends already have one that they could get details for. It’s easier doing it now under the guise of just while the two of them need a bit of extra help and it would ease your mind considerably. If they get a good one, they may be prepared to do things like clearing out the fridge or helping with other chores. It also gets them used to having someone else in the house.

Hi @Chouxits definitely got worse since the diagnosis. My Mums operation and radiotherapy has changed her facial appearance somewhat. She also used to do almost 90% of the house work and now it’s much harder for her.
My siblings - I have three. One lives in America - he came over at my request for a week. But it’s too much for him to come again.
one lives locally - she is very child like. I suspect autism or adhd. She helps when she can. But imagine a 14 year old dealing with this situation
I have another sibling who is a few hours away. She is self employed and helping where she can.
I think long term my parents need a cleaner and my dad who knows. I’m realizing I come over do cleaning and washing etc and chase social care/Gp etc. But this isn’t viable long term. So I’m going to talk to DH. Wait for radiotherapy to end and then it maybe time to make a sort of longer term plan.
Myself and my sister have agreed that if dad hasn’t improve in 6 weeks with the medication then we will approach the GP ourselves and ask for a way forward.
Im actually thinking that Dad may need a care home as he is considered a ‘carer’ but really she is caring for him.
Funnily enough I enjoy traveling to my parents. And I’m learning to balance staying when them with staying in hotels ans having my own space.

I have to say the best decision we made was to move DPs to a care home near us.
Technically the care home we viewed where the lived was much better and I do sometimes think of it wistfully as the manager and atmosphere were amazing, but the advantages of being 5 minutes drive away are enormous. DMs dementia means if I structure it right I can have a fairly normal 5-10 minute conversation with her before she fixates on something, at which point I leave and go for a walk with DF.

They weren’t living where they were from originally and if they had stayed in the area they may have had the very occasional visit from their neighbours or DFs Probus club members, but I doubt there would have been many.

It also makes it easier to keep on top of things- they don’t seem the most proactive in terms of organising hearing and eyesight tests and things like that.

Sorry for those travelling further. My friends DH travelled 90 minutes the other day to see his DF only for him to be asleep for most of the visit.

I’m also in the situation where mum is in a home close to where she lives but 100 miles from me. One advantage has been that the other residents are also local, so are many of the carers and thus the accent, local vocabulary etc are familiar. There’s always someone that knows someone else iyswim. And when she was well enough to join in their day trips she knew where she was.

I am on my recovery day today after a 400+ mile round trip to see mum yesterday. I smiled wryly at @GnomeDePlume’s comment about care home being convenient as mum’s CH is definitely not convenient to me ( although it is walkable from the nearest train station.) She is up north in the area she has always lived and I am down south. I looked briefly into care homes here but I had no personal recommendations like I did for ones near mum and I had no time to research as dad was ill. Then suddenly he died and I needed an immediate place for mum and so she is in a care home there. That was three years ago and as the two care homes she has been in have both been good and cheaper than it would be down here as she self funds I just accept I have to travel. I have somewhere up there I can stay for a few days when I want to be around more for her and I have started doing that more now her dementia is worse and she has moved to a nursing home. But convenient it is not.

Welcome @Ritaskitchen. Starting to help care for parents due to serious illness is definitely a fast track into the world of this thread rather than the more gentle introduction that comes from general aging and dementia. Plus you have the emotional shock of your parent being seriously ill to deal with. And being abroad adds another set of difficulties. Has your dad’s depression started or got significantly worse since your mum’s illness? His life is totally changed too by your mum’s illness and he can’t escape it like we can by getting home after a visit. Where are your siblings in comparison to your parents and are they sharing the load?

Welcome @Ritaskitchen to the thread no one wants to be on. I recognise the feeling of needing to recover after a visit. We often say on here to put your own oxygen mask on first, and it’s a marathon not a sprint etc but it can be very difficult to translate from theory to reality. Sending solidarity.

Hello 👋 Im a new comer - to this thread and also to the world of very suddenly elderly and unwell parents.
DM has a horrible mouth cancer. She had a big operation, it all looked optimistic and then the cancer has aggressively returned. She is in the middle of radiotherapy, is very stoic but clearly very uncomfortable. The previously pristine house is starting to be rather grimy around the edges
DF has always been very active and quite selfish. He has developed an awful depression (or dementia not clear yet) he’s medicated, totally negative, generally unsupportive of her, completely self centered, panicky and difficult.
I love abroad and am currently visiting about 1-2 times a month for a week or a long weekend.
I feel like I have been catapulted into this world and it’s quite an experience.
I have siblings
Im learning about boundaries but I’m not sure I am very good at them. I come back from visits - I stay with them - feeling like I have been run over by a truck and it takes about 3-4 days to feel myself again.

@GnomeDePlume iirc if the/a doctor has seen the deceased reasonably recently and is happy they weren't bumped off somehow then no PM needed (she said vaguely).

@ManchesterMonkey I too remember you from the Homes, tho I was 99% lurker.
Thanks mainly to it being nice weather - with all that comes with it in terms of infection rates lowering - I managed a whole 3 weeks between elderly relative visits without disaster.
Though I did arrive at the same time as the supermarket delivery, and took the opportunity of extracting all the out of date food from the fridge, spreading it out on the surface, and getting ER to come in and see why I was going to say, "STOP ORDERING SALAD!". There were 3 or 4 bags and she'd just had more delivered.

But believe me I appreciate not having anything to vent about (...for now...)!

@countrygirl99 the instruction to be somewhere convenient is so important. For all DB complains about the CH DM is in he knows that it is the only one he can get to by bus.

From what I have seen, CH life is quite insular. Only the very active get out and about.

DB does now recognise that the end is coming soon for DM. We have had sensible conversations about funeral directors as I know we need to move promptly when the time comes.

I also directed him to the Age UK website which has a good page on the admin that happens when a person dies. His knowledge was pre Shipman and was fretting that there would need to be a PM and inquest.

'Elderly woman with multiple co-morbidities dies in CH' was hardly going to make a thrilling episode of Silent Witness.

@NDornotNDI hope your mum is more comfortable now.

I flew home on Tuesday, after a 20 hour delay/flight cancellation and an unexpected night in an airport hotel. I spent the entire day today lying on the sofa watching standup comedy on YouTube (probably unwise as my actual arse is stiff from lack of movement). It’s the first time I’ve had a day more or less to myself in two months.

After finally getting the house on the market there are something like eight or ten viewings lined up for the weekend.

My mum came down with a bug the day I was leaving (urgh the guilt) so she has been collected by her brother to stay with him while she recovers and the estate agents can come and go as they please to show the house.

My mum really seems knocked sideways by all the stuff going on, sometimes she can’t keep a thought in her head for more than a minute so any decisions taken are often forgotten and rejigged the next day and again the next. She’s overdue to pick the carpet and paint for the new apartment and she has to reschedule an appointment for a medical review. Not that it’s the end of the world (and she has been sick) but if she isn’t capable of living independently they could refuse her the apartment, so the wobbliness is a concern for the usual reasons as well as these new reasons.

If I press her on any decisions she gets very flustered and unpleasant. I keep having to talk her down out of a rant about the things I’m making her do and all the reasons she has to do them later, which means they don’t get done. She has stopped reading her emails and answering her phone so a lot of it is falling to me, I’m being copied in on everything but can’t really do much to move things along. I can’t tell if it’s better to be there and on it all the time or to be here and be able to take time off but also be completely unable to get anything done. I feel sad about how she feels and also nervous about missing the magic window of getting her somewhere where she can be supported. Also tired of being ranted at and excited about how great it’ll be for her to be able to socialise and be surrounded with people and activity. Exhausting.

I've told my DC that when the time comes choose a home they find convenient and the only stipulation from me is it must have a nice garden not a bleak concrete patio with the odd planter. I've given them links to two I've visited for mum so they can see what sort of thing I like.

@NDornotND Glad to hear your DM is more settled today. I think what you are looking for on her behalf is what any of us would want for ourselves.

I think it's easy to say 'Never let me go in to a care home' when you are relatively young and haven't seen the toll of caring for the needs of elderly relatives up close and personal. I suspect when my DM made similar statements in her 50s she probably imagined that she would end her days as her DF did- mentally sharp, physically slower but able and just needing a bit of help with cooking/cleaning.

I agree that there is no debt of care owed to our parents for them raising us as children- but it seems to be something glibly stated so frequently that it's almost impossible not to feel that if we don't want to be our parents' carers we are somehow letting them down. Not only is there no debt, but parenting your own child is nothing like caring for an elderly parent with dementia. My DC were safely in nursery whilst I worked, came along on days out/holidays, lived by my (sensible) rules and got more independent every year. Whereas DM gets too tired to go out for a full day (even if she felt up to it and wanted to), wants me to be available to help her 24/7, does not want to join any groups/have any paid care etc, wants to live by her own rules as a grown adult, gets less able every month and may continue needing more and more help for decades. There is no comparison and to claim that there is shows a real lack of understanding of what caring involves.

I am already starting discussions with my (young adult) DC to make sure they know they do not owe it to be to become my carer.

To be fair to DF, he's consistent. He asked me when I was 14 years old never to let him go into a care home...I agree about the lack of debt for adequate parenting. It just made me think perhaps he was only ever nice to secure our labour in his old age. I don't really believe that, but it is a very transactional way of seeing families.
I phoned the care home in the end. Apparently the doctor is reluctant to administer anything to help mum's mood because her sodium is low and it could exacerbate that. They say she's 'end of life' but are clearly frightened of doing anything that could hasten the end. My priority is for her to be comfortable and not in distress - I would hope that would be what the doctor is trying to achieve too. They tell me she is settled today and had a good night. I hope that is true.

@NDornotND I have total sympathy for your situation.

I dont agree with the assertion that we should care for elderly parents because they cared for us as children. There is no debt from childhood. We 'pay it forward'.

@bigdogpaws Yes, I did think that the young man concerned is in his early 20s, so i don't know how much looking after his mum needs atm, although she could have disabilities i suppose. Also, he is from Pakistan, so there will be cultural differences too. I toyed with the idea of telling DF I had been chatting with an elderly lady who was determined to go into a care home once she couldn't manage, because she loves her children and wants them to be able to enjoy their lives and how lovely I thought that was - but I restrained myself....

@NDornotND I hope your mum is more comfortable today.
I really think professionals involved in elderly care should not make comments about their personal opinions or choices about care options. These decisions are stressful and emotionally charged anyway without a supposed expert adding to that.
When Brother mentioned potentially moving in with DM, one of the professionals involved with my DM's assessment told us that her mum lives with her and words to the effect of it being the natural order, what our mum's deserve and that she looked after us when we were small, now it's our turn to look after her. She has only met us twice and has no idea that the family dynamics are..interesting or that Brother has a habit of over promising and expecting others to take over. Even in a 'normal' family this attitude seriously underestimates what's involved in elderly care, the impact on the life of the adult child, and whether this is actually the best care for the elderly parent. When voiced by HCP/social workers etc it adds to the pressure and builds the narrative with the elderly person that 'if they really cared they'd look after me themselves' when in my experience very often really caring involves seeking help from outside the family.