Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

True about all the advances in medicine meaning that people are surviving into a much longer 'age of frailty'. Teetering on a brink but not quite falling over the edge.

That's an interesting point about having to step up and deal with things. My DB has never been one of life's copers. Not a pragmatic or practical bone in his body.

DB is still shocked by the reality of DM's decline. Shocked that dementia, co-morbidities etc are sheer bad luck and not someone's fault.

@bigdogpaws i think part of the education of boys and young men should be the “noticing what needs doing” and not assuming someone else will do it. Back to my DH, he’s the only child of a single mum when/where that was relatively rare. He learned from a young age how to plan and cook an evening meal, set a fire, do laundry and ironing etc because of the long hours his mum worked and needing to eat and have clean clothes for school. He’s looked out for his mum all his life and when she got ill he was looking after her - he’s just been rubbish at dealing with the grief of her unexpected passing. Similarly my dad was perfectly capable of chores which he credited to his National Service making him an independent adult able to iron a shirt and sew on a button etc.

Whereas DB has much more “emotional intelligence” but is a lazy sod around the house. He notices when stuff needs doing but his drive to do anything about it is very low. Our mum was a SAHM and martyred herself did everything and DB used to get breakfast (tea and toast) in bed every day. Neither of us had chores to do growing up.

My conclusion is that men are perfectly capable of “caring” and household management as well as women, but society and stereotypes combine so that they don’t get shown how to do so. Plus the persistent misogyny that says it’s not “manly”.

@funnelfan Interesting thoughts. I do think many (most?) women through socialisation and necessity learn to 'just get on with it' more than many men. Although my particularly flakey/self absorbed brothers may have skewed my view of that somewhat. By the time we're dealing with elderly relatives most of us have 'got on with it' though the joys of painful periods, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding etc (or some the pain of not being able to have a child) and then for many of us the delight that is menopause.

DH is as capable and likely to get on with things as I am, but he was only a teen when his DF had a life limiting diagnosis so he's had plenty of practice at coping when things get tough. There do seem to be a lot of women on this thread who have brothers who don't seem able to accept their elderly parents' situations though -although maybe those with capable supportive brothers don't feel as much need for online support.

Interesting discussion - I do think women in general are better at dealing with emotions and compartmentalising them in order to carry on. I wouldn’t necessarily think that someone has shut down because they appear to be managing ok with the long decline of a loved one. I think the awful stereotype of the emotional female is actually wrong because my entirely anecdotal experience is that men, particularly of our generation, are terrible at dealing with their feelings. They just don’t seem to develop the self management techniques to cope, and are consequently far more vulnerable to depression or drink and drugs to quieten their thoughts.

As an example DH, lovely as he is, cannot differentiate between me being sad, angry, worried, anxious or just ill. I’m either fine or grumpy in his eyes, even when I spell it out. It’s made me realise that actually that’s because he can’t identify his own emotions or feelings. If he’s ill, he just says he feels unwell. He can’t answer if I ask if he’s feeling hot or cold, achy, shivery, dizzy, in pain etc. He shrugs and says he just doesn’t feel right.

I wonder if this tendency for women to “just get on with it” because we have to starts with our periods and the messy reality of life and having to carry on despite feeling rubbish. We notice, step up and deal with things whereas men tend to be able to walk away without a second glance. Gross generalisations of course and maybe this is more a topic for discussion on the feminism board!

@NDornotND Condolences. I hope you are OK- the stage when suddenly all the rushing around stops can be very difficult.

Re the limited emotional response- this is really interesting and something that has only struck me recently. FIL died over 10 years ago and I remember thinking then that I would be devastated if/when my parents (then fit and well) lost their independence and/or passed away. When DF slowly became more and more ill, I think I was the only person in the family who saw what was happening and wasn't waiting for him to 'get back to normal'. Similarly, I think I was about the first to notice how DM has been declining and definitely the only one to accept that further decline is inevitable and something to be managed, not cured. Perhaps this is a form of emotional shut-down. I know I will always be expected to be the practical/capable one, deal with everything that just needs doing, and that I will be the only one willing to face up to difficult decisions. I suspect my mind may be doing what is necessary to allow me to keep going and do all of that.
I also think part of the reason is that, like many of us here, I am at an age where I recognise I need to think about my own old age and have discussions with my own (young adult) children about what I would want. I think this forces you to think realistically about the aging process and the impact on everyone else. I'm very clear in my mind that when the time comes I really do not want my children to sacrifice their wellbeing to care for me and don't want to be put through endless medical tests etc to try to simply keep me alive for a bit longer with little quality of life. My brother (who is not much younger than me, but has not been living independently for long and has a very young child) is focussed on keeping DM alive for as long as we possibly can, finding ways to 'make her better' and generally expecting us, and everyone around us, to stop everything and rush to her side as we would for someone with a serious but short term illness. His response is very much an emotional one and he really isn't ready to accept the practical differences between illness in old age and for younger people (eg is horrified at the idea of speaking to mum about DNR/Respect form/plans for long term care etc). His mindset seems to be that we can't just 'give up' on her and accept her decline.

Looking back to pre-antibiotics, Care Homes, etc you reached a point where you could no longer care for yourself and, for the most part, died

Not just a lack of antibiotics.

No medication for high blood pressure, heart disease or kidney failure.
No HRT, so a lot more osteoporosis.

Until 1921 (so just over 100 years ago) no treatment for Type 1 diabetes.

All these medications, which we now simply take for granted, kept us alive a lot longer.

Let's also not forget preventative medicine. FIT tests, cervical smears, breast screening. Most of these things have only been routinely available in our lifetime.

I think because it's very hard to see your parents - these strong capable people who looked after you (or sadly not in some cases, but for most of us) - reduced to helpless invalids with no more agency than a baby, and the mind does kick in to protect us from the horror of it. I remember when my grandmother had dementia when I was a teen/early 20s and thinking how horrific it would be to see my parents like that, and how I couldn't bear it. But here I am, 30 years later, and feeling somewhat numb about the whole thing. The body's way of protecting us and making us focus on the younger generation and their needs, as pps said.

I asked copilot about this lack of emotions I was feeling. Once it had stopped trying to refer me to The Samaritans- the parameters must have changed recently- it said what I had was a shutdown response. This apparently is fairly normal when under emotional strain for a long period of time and is the bodies way of protecting itself from further damage.

I mean things have got a lot easier since they are in the care home. There’s still a lot of paperwork and things to sort out, plus visiting the care home and buying the stuff they need in between, and preparing myself before I see DM,but it’s a lot more doable.

I think I maybe hoped that the care home would see the end of my troubles, that I would have the opportunity to do my little part time 3 day a week job, go on holidays and life my life without worrying so much. Modest ambitions I felt and very much how they were able to when they were my age because other siblings took care of their DPs.

But because they are so old and frail we just seem to lurch from one medical crisis to another and as the only DC, I have to show up each time.One good thing is that the care home didn’t ask us to get involved in picking DF up from the hospital - they simply sent a carer there in a taxi to do it. We are getting extremely good value from the fees.

I just need to accept that’s the way it is and maybe emotional shutdown isn’t the worst response.Copilot gave lots of helpful advice, but most of the hard work is done by others now so there is very little I can outsource.

@MysterOfwomanY interesting. I often think about whether there is an evolutionary purpose to things, though never done a great deal of reading on the subject.

Looking back to pre-antibiotics, Care Homes, etc you reached a point where you could no longer care for yourself and, for the most part, died.

Perhaps not being so emtionally invested in the oldest generation allows us to be more invested in the younger generation.

@NDornotND just caught up with the thread and your news. Condolences to you and your DF.

@NDornotND sorry for your loss, hope you are coping with it all as best you can.

@rookiemere & @GnomeDePlume , I've been reading a lot recently about the biology/neurology/evolution of human behaviour and it's brought to the front of my mind that emotions occur and survived in humans because they served a purpose, and directly or indirectly helped us pass genes down to the next generation.

Most of us here (not to mention our elderlies) are long past passing on our genes...

I find it difficult too @Seeingadistance. DF is easy - yesterday excepted- I tell my story about him discovering that they serve wine in the care home in the afternoons and how much he enjoys it and gloss over the physical frailty bits and everyone laughs and either says they want to be in a care home or will pop in of an afternoon.

With DM it’s not great and I never know quite what to say. The move to the home has certainly made her dementia more apparent and her hearing and eyesight has suddenly declined badly as well which doesn’t help. One of DMs old friends was asking for regular updates and I just find it too painful either lying or repeating her deteriorating condition on a regular basis. So I used copilot to come up with a bit of a script about how she has dementia and it’s a progressive disease and it’s hard to keep talking about it and how are you, which seemed to work.

Oh yes, I struggle with this one too. I settle on “not in any pain, but very frail and sleepy”.

How do you say - well she could carry on like this for years or she could just not wake up from her afternoon nap, we have no way of knowing. I’m sure all her neighbours think I’m hard hearted because they very kindly ask after her whenever they see me but the undertone of my reply is always “still alive, for whatever that is worth”.

I find myself struggling for a socially acceptable reply when asked how DF is. My most honest response would be to say, "well, he's not dead yet", and I have actually said that out loud a couple of times to be met with shocked expressions. Someone asked me about him yesterday, and I found myself just looking back at them, with the "he's not dead yet" reply rattling around my head.

@rookiemere I now wear the gird as a truss.

I think the constant low level worry destroys finer feelings. I know I come across as harsh and unfeeling about DM but there are only so many times you can think 'this is it'.

@GnomeDePlumeyou must be a master of girding by now, in fact it’s amazing you have any loins left.

I couldn’t get through to the hospital so drove to the care home to see DF sitting up reading his Daily Telegraph as per normal in the living room. The projectile vomiting, diarrhoea and extended stomach apparently all gone and just released back. When I spoke to the wing manager reading between the lines, I suspect had he been there DF wouldn’t have been sent to hospital at all. So thankfully all a bit of a storm in a teacup. Horribly selfishly as it was happening last night all I could think about was that Wed- Fri were already at capacity as DH going away so I am working and on dog walking duty at either end of the day and will we still be able to go on holiday in a fortnight.

I go through the motions and generally say and do the right thing, but it feels like I have lost the ability for human empathy and emotions

@NDornotND my condolences and I hope you can find some peace.

@rookiemere I so know that 'here we go again' feeling. There are only so many times you can gird your loins.

DM has slipped another inch down the ramp. Yesterday she was very tired but cheerful and chatty but her speech was very indistinct (Rowley Birkin if you know The Fast Show). Kept falling asleep then waking up, absolutely no clue who I was or what was being talked about even a moment earlier.

DM's abdomen is hugely distended. She is aware of it but it doesnt seem to be in pain from it. DB is in agreement that there should be no investigation which would involve a hospital visit.

@NDornotND sorry for your loss.

@rookiemere oh dear, it never ends.
Your DPs are safely in the care home, then wham - back into hospital one of them goes.

@Senttotestusthat was a very heartfelt message and I didn’t want it to get lost. I also get the deep sadness that I have no one ( except DH) who cares and wants to look after me.

I felt it on my birthday. I bought a lovely card for myself for DH to give to DPs to sign, saying what a great DD I was. But then on the day itself there was of course a crisis with DM <sigh> and again I just got lost into my role as adult gopher and sorter.
DF got taken into hospital last night from the care home, may or may not be serious, all I actually feel is overwhelming weariness about cranking yet again into top gear for something that may or may not be fatal. I don’t feel proud of myself, but I haven’t got much left to give.

@NDornotND sorry for your loss

@NDornotND I’m so sorry, condolences to you and your DF 💐

@NDornotND I’m sorry for your loss, I hope you and your DF take some comfort in her being at peace.