Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

Thanks for the lovely welcome @FiniteSagacity…not sure if I am relieved or sad that I am not the only one going through this, it’s grim!

mil is an “interesting” person… I’m autistic so not great at “getting” people but I have never been able to fully work her out - there’s a definite golden child scenario in the family (to DH’s detriment) that doesn’t help… and recently she’s been making some decisions that are either her emotionally blackmailing or punishing DH, or if I’m being generous could maybe be signs of cognitive decline (she is in her 90s)?? I have always suspected her of being quite spoilt and manipulative though, so it’s hard to say.

She’s adamant that she won’t go into a care home, but really isn’t coping at home alone anymore & won’t let the carers do anything useful…it’s like she’s stubbornly making a point; she doesn’t want carers, she wants DH there all the time. DH is basically running her house for her and it’s wearing him down, & now she’s falling regularly. She won’t call us or use her fall alarm when this happens though, she will text or email him “just to let you know…I’ve fallen and I’m on the floor” This is typically in the middle of the night, it’s almost like she’s trying to make him feel guilty for not picking up the message in the night when he sees it the next day… the carers aren’t allowed to pick her up, so if she’s being grumpy with DH she’ll get them to get a neighbour instead and be very passive aggressive about it
It’s all getting a bit mad… and it’s only going to get worse isn’t it??

Also @Junedaythis all sounds familiar to me. You have my sympathies.

Im on my way back to UK to visit DM with agressive head and neck cancer - having radiotherapy and is exhausted and it’s horrible side affects and very depressed pessimistic and child like DF who is really struggling. Staying for a week and thank goodness DH is coming to help me for some of this time.
They are resistant to any help except Damon and this can’t really continue.

Welcome back @Juneday , although I guess you’d rather not be here. It must be doubly frustrating having gone through this with your MIL to see the same dynamics playing out with your parents.

(i take it DD is Dear Dad rather than Dear Daughter?)

I am popping in after a long break, MiL passed away and this place was a godsend during the denial stages by DH that she was ill, and through the NHS saying she had capacity when she didn't, to carers and falls and lies about commode use, to fab social worker who found her place in a care home and really kind dementia nurse who rang to see how I was, but couldn't offer any help as she wasn't allowed to refer MiL to doctors (NHS communications and sharing of info problem). Now I am here, as I suspected I would be worrying about my own DM, in particular, and can see similar issues with family being in denial. DD thinks all the drugs she is now taking, particularly anti depressants, will cure her!! When I list the issues I can see, it's clear its either early dementia or even Parkinsons. She has struggled with mobility for several years, is heavy footed, can't stand still without feeling unsteady, etc. She has poor hearing and won't admit it. In the last year she has become more and more reluctant to travel or even continue with old routines with friends, she never makes phone calls and rarely answers the phone, if she does talk she quickly says I am sorry I can't seem to talk for any longer and cuts off abruptly, she sounds like she has a mouth full of cotton wool when she talks, she has gone through a short tempered phase of shouting at my DD, and come out of it much more placid, (which is not her character at all), she wakes every night several times and says she lies there awake in the early hours (new medication helping with that). She has lost her appetite, but is being persuaded to eat more and little and often, complains about excess saliva, and has reported hand shakes - any task she attempts is really slow, and she has issues with constipation including needing and emergency doctors to sort things out. I am realistic, she may have good days and with medication and sensible diet feel a little better but my DD says ridiculous things like 'She got Lady Diana's problem...' and is blaming all her symptoms on stress (long story about cause of that so won't bother). My sibling and I live over 2 hours away and are organising regular visits when we can, and they have great neighbours, I suggested a care company that might help with a few jobs, but they met the manager and were so shocked at prices that idea was knocked on the head. I can see what will be needed and can only work on the crisis management model, DM has had blood tests and gastro tests, but no hearing test has been suggested or any cognitive tests - not particularly impressed with GP, we have PoA on health and wealth only when DPs consider it necessary. DD rings up to moan about not wanting this life, he wants to be out and about not being told she can't walk or doesn't want to..... he doesn't get to go out, but tbh most of his local close friends have passed away and he can't drive any more, he wants her better because he wants an easier life but she isn't going to get better..... one sibling is on his side and doing thing a little differently and not seeing how he has declined and has unrealistic expectations but if I voice my concerns I sound very negatative. So I am watching and visiting and hoping that the GP calls them in and organises more tests and suggests coping strategies and help. Or maybe the GP doesn't see it either and I am doom and glooming......

@ManchesterMonkey I'm really sorry to hear all this- I hoped your brothers were stepping up a bit. I wonder if the 'overthinking' accusation is a common one for useless brothers to make? Mine also says this about me. I suspect, as pp suggested, it's because they never really carry the mental load, or take responsibility when things go wrong, so can just say 'It will be OK' knowing that they won't be the ones having to sort everything out when it's not, or juggle all the boring but necessary planning that results in everything being OK. Do you think you'll be able to leave them to it at the end of June, so they get a better idea of what's involved. Hopefully your mum won't be swayed by them and will go ahead with moving closer to you- it sounds like she'd have a much better quality of life there.

@Scrabsqueak I agree with your stance on not allowing your children to get involved in caring for grandparents. It's lovely that you visit your MIL and take such and interest in her. If she really has capacity and seems happy with her life as it is, I think all you can do is let her enjoy your company when you see her and accept that perhaps she might have a fall etc but this is her chosen way to live. Easier said than done I know.

@rookiemere It's great to hear that your parents are settling in to the home. I know what you mean about the litany of medications/timings- it seems to be focal point of my mum's life now and just about the only thing she wants to think about (the other being how wonderful useless brother is and how much harder his life is than anyone else's). I sometimes wish I could have a sensible discussion with her about doing something (anything) else, or what is the point of taking medication to keep you alive to simply talk about medication all day- but I she wouldn't understand. I count it as a win if I manage to distract her for half an hour or so with some nice food, or a story from the past.

@Scrabsqueak she is very lucky to have you and your DDs in her life and you’re right to protect your DDs from taking on more of a role. I sometimes feel our elderlies are like a vortex that could suck up all available time and effort and it would still disappear into a black hole which would make no change to their happiness or outcome. I am sure your MIL appreciates your visits and her DGDs calls, refusal to acknowledge or use any useful adaptation is par for the course unfortunately.

Relatively successful care home visit today. I got an email from the team lead to say he would chase up Specsavers tomorrow as as I was there I was able to reiterate that point. I feel sorry for the guy, he clearly isn’t seeing much of that weekly £1900 for the role and responsibilities he has, but I must be my DPs advocate. I brought DM in some flowers as I got two bunches last night and she seemed to like that, plus the gluten free chocolate crumble biscuits, so I got a few minutes before she launched into her litany about her endless medications and timings <sigh>.

Had a nice little walk with DF then we watched a bit of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes on the communal tv. It was nice to spend time with him without talking in companionable silence, I am grateful that them going into the care home has allowed me to reset my relationship with him in a positive direction.

@rookiemere yes, she has had social services assessments. She is deemed as full capacity, and she is really, just getting older. She does have private carers twice a day for fifteen minutes to give her medication, but nothing else, apart from peace of mind for me tbh, which she scoffs at when I say I’m glad they come in and check her. She very much resents them and would get rid of them if she could, but is not able to put in her own eyedrops although she keeps saying she’s sure she could. She’s never done it since I’ve known her, her DH then DS did them for her till they died.
She is remarkable really for 88, can get up and down stairs that challenge me, cooks her tea every night, hoovers the downstairs every day. She does not leave the house, but again, she rarely did apart from the garden really since I’ve known her.
The thing is, there is no one else. She has two sisters in their 80s themselves who live 250 miles away and are beyond travelling now. And me. 400 miles away and my DC but they are at Uni even further away and are in their 20s so I will not let them take on the burden at this important stage in their lives. They phone her every single day, as do I, so maybe she is luckier than some.
She seems to be made of steel, and bounces back from things remarkably given she is an absolute tiny bird of a woman.
But I am very conscious one trip and things could be very different. She just laughs at me if I say I’m worried about this though, and like Helen on the Archers, is adamant she does not need a falls alarm. If I ever buy her anything she doesn’t want, like a pill box, or fluffy, gentle towels, next time I visit they are deep in a cupboard never to see the light of day.
Sorry, I know I’m ranting, and loads on here are dealing with much more tricky situations. It’s just it kind of overshadows the days before I go, and depresses me the days after.

I absolutely lost it with Corporate Golden Boy on Friday night to the extent of calling him a f##king c%nt and blocking both him and my other brother - The Flake - on every channel, although CGB’s virtue signalling email crept through my fortress.

Both of them have repeatedly ignored my request to find their Power of Attorney paperwork. Apparently, according to CGB it’s just ‘a piece of paper’. I explained again that the loss of those ‘bits of paper’, because I have mine and lodged it with my mum’s GP surgery means that only one of us - me! - has POA in the eyes of the NHS meaning I will be forced to take life or death decisions for our mother.

My mum has had a series of bad falls for which I’ve taken her to hospital, including 12 hours in A&E on Easter Sunday, followed by six weeks staying with her to ensure a new routine of eating, hydrating and putting a care package into place. I asked GGB to ring her to check in on Friday because by speaking on the phone means you can pick up nuance. He emails her.

Then on Friday evening I couldn’t get hold of her, so I panicked. I rang him and he told me I was ‘overthinking’ several times. He told Mr Monkey that he was overthinking it. I fucking lost it.

And then I sent him an email about whether overthinking includes hospital trips, staying for six weeks, dealing with social services, putting care into place and many other elements of support I’ve given over the past three years since she’s got frailer. He has the audacity to ring mum to ‘grass me up’ and put his side of the story in first that evening. My mum rings me to see if I’m OK. No, I am not OK. I am sick of responsibility being heaped on my shoulders.

He then emails me on Saturday to recount the TEAMS call he and his daughters did with mum on Saturday AM. I’ve ignored it. It doesn’t deserve a reply.

I am now for the foreseeable future going NC with the siblings.

We’re - Mr Monkey and I - supposed to be meeting cousins from the USA and CGB and his family in his European city in 10 days time. I am not going to go out for dinner with them all and pretending everything is OK to protect his image.

I am also going to be incredibly busy with work in the last 2 weeks of June and I am leaving CGB and The Flake to sort out stuff for mum.

The only thing CGB and The Flake want to do in June is to have a family conference with mum to persuade her to stay in an isolated and dangerous house (inheritance) rather thsn what she wants to do - sell up, get a flat near us and get support.

The dickheads don’t actually see that my mum is an ADULT with agency and, actually, living near me means they can abdicate what little responsibility they take. Her living near me would mean that I don’t have to stay for six weeks or go over for weekends or travel for an hour and forty to get to her. But what do her wishes or being helpful matter to them?

I am DISGUSTED with them.

Please can I creep in at the back and sit in whatever corner is for the bad daughters in law? I can’t explain everything going on here right now because my head is fried and I am staring down the barrel of months if not years of dealing with a selfish, manipulative nonagenarium whilst trying to prevent her running her son into the ground to satisfy her wishes, at the same time as I am working nearly ft and caring for our neurodivergent teen with medical issues whilst they navigate a perfect storm of GCSEs, a c#%*y LA who won’t provide a suitable 6th form and their very own stalker. Oh, and don’t get me started on what passes for the care system in this country… or CAMHS… or… anything really. Feck it all. And perimenopause too! Bah!!!

I just want to scream into a void until my throat bleeds, but that’s not going to help anything. Sighs…

Oh dear @Scrabsqueak that sounds such hard work.

@Scrabsqueak that’s such a kind and arduous level of support you’re giving. Has MIL had a social services assessment or is she not at that stage yet ?

Gearing up for my trip to MIL tomorrow.

Due to distance I leave my house at 4.30 am and will get home hopefully around 9.00pm.
While there, I have managed to schedule a telephone appointment with her GP to discuss how we can try to prevent a recurrence of the cellulitis which she is repeatedly getting. However, I have a feeling they will phone me when I am in transit, as they said expect a call within their office hours, 8-6.30. They do not appear to read emails or answer their phones so I am just hoping it will be at a time I can deal with. I also need to try to sort out her Virgin TV package which her DS set up and which costs her £130.00 a month, so I assume it includes sports and films etc none of which she watches. She has absolutely no paperwork about it though, so that’s going to be interesting.
She hates me trying to do any admin, or cooking, or tidying, or anything except sitting on the sofa and talking about how wonderful her DS2and my DH her DS1 were and trying to make sense of their deaths. ( I understand this, they both died at 54, my DH first, from separate but aggressive cancers, it’s hard to process, but we have gone over it soooo many times, there are no answers and it upsets me, though I try not to let on)
I come away stinking of her fag smoke and depressed and guilty that I am leaving her alone for another month.
I feel so useless, I cannot seem to make her life any easier, but a lot of that is her refusal to allow me to actually do anything which might help. She is not her future friend!

I stopped listening to the Archers a few years ago, maybe I should restart.
Sympathy to those feeling unwell, I have been slightly under the weather but nothing major.

Annoying issues with care home emerging. I have been chasing up DMs hearing aid appointment with them for a while now, I haven’t got a response to my emails so I phoned Specsavers yesterday to find out what was happening and they have no record of her on their books. This is pretty bad now as I realise its been 3-4 weeks without working hearing aids for someone with dementia and many staff soft spoken with English not first language. I feel annoyed at myself for not realising how long it was - there were a few other things being managed, but mostly at care home for them being paid £1900 per week not to sort out basic things like their clients being able to hear and see, primarily because they don’t seem to have many managers or team leads at all.I will get it sorted out but I feel sorry for those in there who don’t have regular visitors to pick up and sort things out.

It probably also explains why DM is still so reliant on us to get her things because she can’t hear the staff and they aren’t making much effort to understand her.

@IoWfairy She does! He's called Richard, this week she said she was spending the afternoon sorting photographs of him.

I’m hoping that Carol has a favourite, but useless, son too!

Sorry to hear people are poorly. Does anyone listen to The Archers on Radio 4? They're currently running a story about an elderly woman, Carol Tregoran, and her daughter. Carol is refusing to wear her fall alarm pendant, refusing adaptations to the house etc. It sounds as if the writer has experience of caring for a parent. I'm hoping the story runs for a while and isn't easily resolved....

I've also had a bug for about ten days.
As soon as I think it's gone, it seems to come back a few hours later.

@FiniteSagacity sorry to hear that you’re not well either. Rivals is fab.
DD says there is something called adenovirus doing the rounds at the moment which is quite nasty.

It’s definitely age related in my case. I usually bounce back quickly. It’s affected my hearing and vision as well. DH has forced me to rest, not that I’ve felt like doing anything. Apart from lying down and watching Rivals.
@funnelfan get better soon too.

Hope you feel better soon @BestIsWest

I’ve also got a bug which DH generously shared with me, and so I’ve not been to see my mum either. Even if I felt up to the 100 mile drive, no one would thank me for bringing it into a home of 20+ frail and elderly folk.

i think general stress we are all under means we’re much more vulnerable to all the normal viruses that go round, and i certainly take longer to get over them these days. Of course that could also be me getting old. 😊

I have been really ill with a virus for a week and still not much better. I haven’t visited DM. I’ve spoken to her briefly on the phone but as she can’t really hear me it was just to say I was ill.
Nothing bad has happened! I’m taking this as a lesson.

She did press her lifeline alarm once but DH took the call as I was asleep and told them to call my brother. I spoke to her the next day and she was fine and denying she’d pressed it so no idea what happened.

DH has been an absolute star I have to say.