Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

Goodness knows whether there's a DOL in place or not. He only communicates what he wants to. We've found out there is a reason this location is convenient for him and his attitude is tough, only his wishes count. He had a rant about how little I do to DB2 who pointed out that he knows exactly what I do and how often I visit because we compare notes when each of us goes and he is so wrong he's on another planet. DB2 got told he's wrong. So I'll go every 4-6 weeks. I've worked out there's something I can do regarding an hobby on the way so I shall make a day of it and he can deal with any hospital issues etc.
I blame mum tbh, he could never do any wrong in her eyes and always got what he wanted even when he was being a complete shit as a teenager doing drugs and shoplifting. I remember one year there was a scout trip abroad. Of course he could go on that, character building, no questions asked. But the same year I asked to go on a (cheaper) french exchange through school and even though I was doing french o level I could only go if it was my birthday and Christmas present.

I thought that the care home applies for the DOL after assessing their needs once the resident moves in. Not the family.

that’s how it was explained to me anyway for my DM, and the LA rang me when they got the paperwork to check whether I had any objections on my mums behalf.

Mum has deteriorated over the last few weeks. He's so frustrating. Last summer I found a care home that was convenient for everyone else and where I could do short visits 2 or 3 times a week and he was really vicious about how expensive it was but this one is no cheaper and she'll hardly get any visitors.
I had a plan if he tried to put her in the grotty care home in her town but if he really has got a DOL even that wouldn't work as he has sole POA. Turns out he must have actually made a note of how bad it was because he didn't even contact them.

@countrygirl99 you posts about goldenballs make me want to reach into the internet and shake your “D”B.

It sounds like there’s been a step change/ decline in your mum. I know you’ve posted for a while that residential care would be the best option for her, but everything you’ve been doing has been to try and do it in a relatively controlled manner at a pace you could try to control for her and this sounds like it’s a crisis move, like it ends up for so many of us. I’m sorry.

Is there any silver lining in that your mum will have care 24 hours? Is it at least a decent place and not the grotty one that he originally chose? I’m just trying to see if there are any positives at all that would help offset the rage against your sibling.

That’s just ridiculous then @countrygirl99. Unfortunately as I have realised it’s good if you can have someone living close to the care home to keep on top of them about matters. I know you’re trying to stay out of it but can you stop it at all and get her somewhere closer?

5 hours not t hours

@rookiemere no, still t hours from him just a slight change of direction. It's not convenient for a single family member to visit. A couple of her GC will be the nearest at about one and a half hours. They both have young families and currently one lives less than half a mile away, the other lives about 15 minutes away but works in the same town. DB2 and I have identified e care homes that would be suitable and much easier to visit but they've been rejected for "cost reasons" when they are the same cost level as this one so god knows his reasoning.

@countrygirl99sounds like it’s probably for the best that your DM is going into a care home. Rubbish it’s so far away - is it close to him ?

@GnomeDePlume I am so glad you are going on holiday, hope it’s somewhere nice. I had meant to enquire earlier in the year, but it seemed indelicate.

Success at last ! DMs hearing appointment is finally scheduled at the care home with Soecsavers after a series of emails with increasing curtness to the team lead. It seems nothing had been done on it since we originally asked about it back on 23rd April. I also finally managed to get the relish app installed- it’s a bit like keeping tabs on your DCs at nursery but instead your oldies. I politely enquired if we should expect additional one to ones for DM asI could only see one on the system - a friend who is the activities coordinator at another care home, probably better because it costs an additional £1000 per week, had said she should be getting these if she can’t attend the normal stuff - so they said that yes of course they would be all over it going forward.

Goodness knows what happens if residents haven’t got someone to look out for them. I think for DF I will just take him out for eye and hearing as it seems to be a huge hassle to get the most basic things sorted.

Stuff has happened over the last few days and it's pretty clear mum needs to go into a care home now and there's likely to be a DOLS. But golden balls has chosen care home that is 2 hours away, twice as far away as where she lives now. Guess I won't be visiting fortnightly.

@ManchesterMonkey Since your brothers clearly don't intend to do much I think you're quite right not to try to include them in discussions about your mum's move. Since she has full capacity, and it's clearly only you that will be expected to help with the move and do a lot for her afterwards, it doesn't need to involve your brothers. It's infuriating but this is what they have chosen by not engaging in sensible discussions.

@GnomeDePlume I've found with my brother, and previously with other relatives that 'It's what [insert name of dead loved one] would have wanted' is sometimes used to try to shut down an argument when they know what they are saying wouldn't stand up to logic. With my brother 'It's what Dad would have wanted' (or 'Dad wouldn't have let that happen') really means 'I will not be discussing or explaining why, but everyone must do as I say'. I think sometimes it's because they know that what they want to do is not rational but they feel emotionally that they must do it and sometimes with DB it's because it suits him personally regardless of the impact on everyone else. I wonder if the latter could be part of why your DB doesn't want your mum medicated- perhaps somehow emotionally he feels that he can persuade himself she's still 'there'.

Even if it's accurate, the reference to preferences of people who are long gone also annoys me because usually they can't possibly have foreseen the specific set of circumstances that are being navigated now. My brother likes to remind me that Dad always said he and mum wanted to stay in their own home to the end. This is true, but was a statement made a lot when they bought a bungalow in their 50s. It just happened to be in the area that they wanted but they always said it was a great purchase because it would help them stay there until the end. Their own elderly relatives all lived independently until very close to the end of their lives, in fairly good health with sight mobility problems being their only real issue. I don't think he considered for a second that mum would be living there on her own with declining cognitive and physical health.

@GoldMoon DB sees his contradicting anyone who suggests medication for dementia symptoms is 'doing the right thing and what DF would have done'. I also knew DF, I suspect he would have quietly dropped a pillow on DM's face months ago.

We both have POA but CH team are a little bit frightened of how DB would react if DM had some sort of calming medication. DB can be quite unpleasant when challenged.

DB is still managing to convince himself that DM is still 'there'. Whereas I just dont see it. Perhaps it is just the case that we each see what we expect to see.

Any road up. I'm off on holiday in a few weeks. DB is annoyed that this will mean I wont be visiting DM for three weeks in a row. Perhaps months ago I would have felt guilty. I dont now. DM barely registers my presence let alone recognising me. At my last visit I was stroking her head and she largely didnt notice.

Wow . Can he not realise that the thoughts of someone who died 30 years ago have no relevance in today's modern world .

Surely he can comprehend it's now that matters in the care ( and sorry to say , the end ) for your mother .

@rookiemere @bigdogpaws @funnelfan

thank you. It’s so tough being the ‘strategic’ one, oh and the ‘tactical’ one and the ‘practical’ one. The One Woman Ltd.

whoever wrote this - GENIUS
“My brother is a master at strategic incompetence too“

I’ve found the paperwork for POA and it does include finance. Corporate Golden Boy didn’t think it did. It will be the only bit of Attorney-ville they will be interested in, so I’ll be keeping quiet about it. In fact, I’m not bringing the subject up again. Mum doesn’t need us taking charge, but I am being bloody gaslit to death over my statement ‘/best get our ducks in a row for any eventuality’

you’re right I am screaming into a void. The person who needs to make them step up is my mum, although they will frame it as Drama Monkey. I’m going to stop shutting mum down over the move discussion - “we all need to talk about it” - out of some ridiculous sense of fairness that they are involved properly, when their only desired involvement is pivoted to ££££.

I’m going to have to reframe a lot of thinking. It’s very hard. Thank god I’ve got a good counsellor. Somehow it’s really comforting that he’s male.

Had a call from mum's carers, they think she may have a UTI. Mum's GP is shocking to try and contact.

Still ill here but I did go and see DM on Sunday for a cup of coffee. She was shocked at how ill I look (thanks!) and sent me home. She seems to be coping fine. I’ll need to stock up her fridge this week but I’m going to stay home otherwise. DB must be picking up the slack for once.

By comparison with so many in this club nobody wants to be in my own DB is doing a lot if the visiting etc.

My only real issue with him is that he doesnt want any of DM's dementia symptoms medicated. He recognises that the end is coming soon but at the same time wants to drag it out with DM in a semi-conscious, frequently distressed state.

DB has convinced himself that this is what DF 'would have wanted'. DF died over 30 years ago and has been beatified to an unhealthy degree in DB's memory. My memories of DF are different.

@ManchesterMonkey i second the comments that say your siblings won’t change, ever. So I’d say to proceed with making plans with your mum on the basis it’s just you facilitating the move, and decide what you can and can’t do on that basis. In fact, I wouldn’t bother with their PoA paperwork because if it comes to a point they disagree with something you’re doing then it will be harder for them to do anything about it because you are the sole active Attorney.

Your resentment and frustration with them can be dealt with separately. You’ll probably find it easier once you stop trying to involve them and just discuss with your mum. Like many of the women with useless husbands on other threads who find their life as a single mum much easier to manage.

@ManchesterMonkey You are right to push back on this but as rookiemere says, you may need to accept that they simply won't step up so perhaps sorting getting your mum closer to you as soon as you can should be the priority right now. My supposed 'overthinking' definitely results in me being pushed in to taking on more. If brother thinks we should do something that I suggest (often after discounting until a crisis that I predicted happens) his stance is 'Bigdogpaws knows all about this, so it will be quicker/better if she sorts it out'. If he doesn't agree or want to face up to things I suggest we consider the response is 'Bigdogpaws is over thinking again! That (very predictable situation) is really not likely and if it does happen we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Everything will be OK- she always overthinks and makes a drama out of everything but it's always fine so she should just leave it.' Then of course when the predictable situation arises he claims it's just one of those things that could happen to anyone and 'we' need to pull together to sort it all out (but conveniently only I apparently have the knowledge/time/information). In the past I had been quietly making contingency plans in the background so that I could deal with things more easily but I've realised this just encourages his claim that there's no need to plan- everything always turns out OK. It's one of the reasons why I've taken a big step back- unless it's something very serious I am trying to let him (rather than me) deal with the consequences of his underthinking/lack of planning. In our case I think this is partly just they way he runs his own life, but that's probably only because until very recently he's always had someone (often our parents) who will rush in and make sure everything's OK so he's never learned the importance of thinking ahead.
My brother is a master at strategic incompetence too. I wonder if this could be part of the issue with your brother re the LPA etc- if he persuades you he can't be trusted with the paperwork etc then you'll feel you must do it all?

Hopefully your mum won't let them put her off the plan to move closer to you so at least if you keep having to do more you won't have the journey as well, and it sounds like there are others around you that could offer support that isn't available where she currently lives. Don't let them think that's a free pass though- there is plenty that they could do remotely.

My weird family dynamics continue. Golden balls has gone into full matyr mode and is not communicating with DB2 so is having to manage stuff from a distance that DB2 or I would do. I've blocked him so he can't communicate with me but DB2 and I are on the same page and he pases on any info from goldenballs. But despite his tantrum a few weeks ago which preceded his radio silence, after today's visit, I'm pretty sure he's not done anything about the grotty care home because her old microwave has been replaced by a shiny new one since my last visit 20 days ago.
Trouble is I'm sure mum would be happier in the right care home as she gets lonely as her social circles does off/ becomes housebound/ goes into care homes. This evening she asked 3 times how MIL is. MIL died November 2023.

Have to say @ManchesterMonkeythese threads and my friends experience has made me kind of glad I am an only DC.

Unfortunately the reality is if your DBs were going to pick up that rope they would have done it by now. Nothing you do - or don’t do- is going to change that.

At some point you have to protect your own sanity and accept that’s the reality you’re working
. It’s not fair, but you can’t keep burning yourself out waiting for them to become different people.

If your DM wants to move closer to you and you’re willing to support that, then that’s the plan that matters. Your DM also needs to realise what side her bread is buttered on. You are the one who steps up and 1hr40 each way is simply not sustainable going forward so she has to move.

Thsnk you. Yep, their heads are empty, for sure. I feel like I’m screaming into a void - that’s exactly it. I’m having a body keeps the score illness (virus like illness) and I’ve been in bed all day sleeping.
@bigdogpaws it’s the thing of saying to me that I’m overthinking. Overthinking sure is convenient for them. Has your overthinking meant that you’ve taken on the load?

today my mum emailed me - not those two - to say that she’s got her eye clinic time wrong and it clashes with the carer.

I suspect that even though she’s stated she ‘doesn’t want me to take the majority of the care on’ she doesn’t want to bother them and cause family drama.

It’s actually more convenient that the eye appointment is a later time as it means I can get to hers later - she really isn’t safe anymore to walk from a car park to her opticians - so I only have to stay one night not two as there are blood tests the next day. Again, the car park is too far away from the doctor.

i asked them to investigate a disabled badge for her car. They haven’t.

I have replied copying the two of them in saying what day would be better for the carer? I am not the only person who can be responsible for this day to day arrangement with carers.

No response from any of them or my mum.

I think I’m going to have to get really tough with all of them. I’m going to find some family arrangement app, buy it and we can ALL log into this.

i am now going into my paperwork pile 😳 to find power of attorney paperwork and if I’m fortunate enough to find THEIRS I will be making copies, posting them and dropping them off to my mum’s GP. No one is telling me that it’s just a bit of paper and not being responsible enough to locate paperwork or send off for it.

@NoMoreFluffsToGive sounds tough for you and your DH. It’s so hard to know if they’re being deliberately manipulative or if they just aren’t thinking rationally any more. I would have said that I come from a very rational family but when it came to extreme old age DM and DP refused pretty much all reasonable suggestions of additional paid for support whilst simultaneously taking as much as DH and I gave to them. Part of it was dementia, but also I think with them, they were using up so much energy just staying alive and worrying about their spouse, they had nothing left to give or care about the damage it was inflicting on us.

In MILs case it’s probably going to take a crisis for anything to change. I would encourage your DH to step away as much as he can.

There’s one sibling who is definitely the golden child Who Must Not Be Inconvenienced. To be fair they live just over an hour away while we live ~20 minutes away, and I don’t think they consciously mean for it to all fall on DH? Unfortunately DH is the one who will be straight about the realities of things & mil doesn’t like that. I do think that if there is dementia it’s allowing the real selfishness to show more and more… and then I feel really guilty for thinking that! She’s really manipulative though

@NoMoreFluffsToGive Welcome back to the club that we'd all rather not be qualified to join. From what I've read on here and experienced with my own mum, cognitive decline can often ramp up the unreasonable behaviour in those who are already 'interesting'. My mum has always wanted me to do things her way, and to put anything that I might want after what she thinks and/or Brother wants but I suspect has previously had some awareness that this is not entirely reasonable so she would previously have tried to be subtly manipulative and slightly careful about what she says. Now she's much more direct, or when she tries to manipulate it's very obvious.
You mention there is a Golden Child scenario- do you mean that there is a golden child sibling? or that your DH is the only, and MIL treats him as the golden one and the only person she wants. If the former, what do siblings think about MIL's behaviour?
It's definitely exhausting trying to help a parent who refuses to accept help from others. Have you had a social care assessment update recently? Even if she is self funding this might be useful- just so that there can be someone impartial to make suggestions about what could help. Assuming you're in the UK, the tricky bit would be whether your DH would be prepared to be open about what he can sustainably keep doing for her. If she tells them that he does everything for her they won't ask whether it's burning him out etc