Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

@Choux I’m sorry to hear your sad news. 💐

I’m sorry @Choux. I’m glad your DB is there for you.

I'm sorry to hear your news @Choux

@Choux condolences.

Glad lots of people are working out how to get away and actually getting there. Have a lovely break @rookiemere

My mum passed away yesterday. From the first call to indicate the care home were worried about her to death was just under 72 hours and very peaceful. Sadly my brother arrived at the care home 90 minutes too late. I had to call and tell him at baggage reclaim that it was too late. But he saw her afterwards to say his goodbyes and he was grateful for that.

I am still away (I brought my flight forward and then today pushed it back a day again) and going home tomorrow to start dealing with the admin. My friends here have been wonderful and it’s a really tranquil place full of natural beauty to reflect on my loss.

I made it - yay ! Must be down to everyone’s good wishes. Phone hasn’t rung yet, DH made it clear to the care home we were only to be disturbed for serious emergencies.

I think back to last year when I almost cancelled a weeks holiday because I was fairly certain DM didn’t have long to go, and here we are a year later and I realise this scenario could go on for a lot longer or indeed end tomorrow, honestly who knows. I don’t have any siblings, even useless ones, so I have nobody who should step up when we go (even if they don’t actually).I was so full of emotions then, now I feel an odd sort of detachment most of the time.

I have gone into holiday booking hyper drive in reaction to the situation- not helped by DH now being retired and looking for things to do - and almost booked too many on the assumption that if we need to cancel any then at least there is something else to look forward to. I also book most things cancellable and use BA companion vouchers so we haven’t actually paid anything for the flights. I was going to say it’s amazing how there is usually a medical drama when we plan something nice or to go away, but then theres usually a medical drama involving one or other DP on about a weekly to fortnightly basis.

@ManchesterMonkey enjoy Berlin, it's one of my favourite cities.

I do the same, I only book hotels that can be cancelled and pay a bit extra for flights that can be moved if not refunded. I had a terrible run in with travel insurance years ago after I had an accident abroad so I never quite trust the companies as they did everything they could to get out of paying up, were absolutely useless, repeatedly got information wrong etc etc.
EVERY single time we’ve been in the last 3 years I’ve had a phone call about DM. She fell and broke a vertebrae once, mixed up her tablets another time.

However we want to do a big long haul trip soon, we can’t keep putting our life on hold. I do get resentful as at my age DPs were travelling all over the world without a backward glance.

Re holidays, we go often but I’ve changed the way I have been booking. I’m booking the hotel/apartment with the right to cancel up to 48 hours before and doing this several months in advance. I’m waiting til 4/6 weeks before to book cheap flights and been getting some right bargains leaving it this late. It does help that I look across all the airlines and 4 different airports. If I do Ryanair I’m not adding luggage or sitting together until the day before the holiday to bring the price right down. So for my upcoming holiday I can cancel up to 48 hours before and only lose 190, useful considering there wouldn’t be any cover on travel insurance for a known potential event. Obviously if there was a major issue in the last 48 hours I wouldn’t travel but I’m finding this way of booking is allowing us to continue with normal life with the flexibility to be around if needed.
As my husband rightly said last September when we had the first ‘should we travel or not’, “your DF could still be around in two years time”. We have been 3 times since then and so glad I haven’t put life on total hold

@rookiemere I know exactly what you mean about planning holidays.

Over the last two years, Mr Monkey have been away hardly ever. I LOVE travel. It’s being on tenterhooks about Mummy Monkey plus lots of illness for Mr Monkey and bereavement. If we have been away, it’s short breaks and taking my mum as I’m sure as she gets more infirm, holidays won’t be on the agenda. It’s so depressing.

We’re away in Berlin next week Weds - Sun. I’m going to switch off and any emergencies need to be dealt with by my brother in the UK. In Berlin, we’re meeting my cousins who’ve flown into a Berlin from the US and supposed to be meeting Corporate Golden Boy and his family. I’m not sure I can stomach seeing him. I’ve let my cousins know. I’m not asking them to take sides, but they both understand. I’m exhausted by it all, I’m feeling really ill with a nasty cold and my mental health is in the toilet.

Good luck to anyone with upcoming holidays

We are going to Northern Spain so if something genuinely urgent does happen, there are 3 airports I can easily reach.

It reminds me a lot of lockdown which I also found very depressing. It got to the point where it seemed pointless to book, plan or look forward to anything as it was so likely to end up cancelled.

My one main consolation is that the stress and strain of the past year ( which I know is nothing compared to most on here) means I hopefully won’t linger on for years.

At least they are in the care home now. If this had happened when they were at home, or even if I had got a full time live in carer, then we would have had to go up there and sort it out.

@rookiemere my fingers, toes and eyes are crossed for you to have a lovely holiday.

I totally get that will we/wont we get away feeling.

We are off to the south of France at the end of June. Driving so no chance of sprinting back in the event of emergency. When we booked this holiday we didnt think DM would still be with us.

DH has suggested that DM is going to outlive us all!

Well I thought my holiday was scuppered. We are due to fly off later this morning and DH comes up the stairs to say there are three missed calls from the care homes ( the calls go to him despite it being my DPs as he is much more grounded about them). DM has had a fall and may have slightly injured her head and leg. They are calling out an ambulance to assess which seems an odd use of NHS resources, but I think the GP associated with the care home is wise to them. So we’ll skip the country quickly and quietly. It’s the weekend which means the managers aren’t there so the place is staffed with agency on minimum wage who try and defer any decisions to the relatives.

Horribly DH was showing me a picture of our friend's Labrador who had his paw injured through being bitten by an adder and I was more concerned for their dog than for my own DM.

I am surprised we’re getting to go away, I fully expected it to be scuppered as it’s the first two week break we have attempted since DM had her major fall. Fingers crossed though as we have some random Aussies dog sitting so it would be awkward if we don’t.

@Choux I hope you enjoy your trunkated weekend.

I have had too many 'this is it' situations so I think I am numb to them. DM no longer knows me and we were never close so not a lot to say.

I am in a beautiful place with 3 of the loveliest friends in the world. We spend this weekend together every year. We have already lost 5 parents between us including three from cancer and no one has managed to be in the actual room at the time it happened so we are quite aware going there doesn’t guarantee you will be there at that moment.

My brother is travelling there now. I will cut short my visit here by two days to a) see my brother and b) be the second line of companionship in case she goes on beyond 2-3 days. I am at peace with that decision.

Are you realistically likely to enjoy the weekend away, wondering what's going on in the care home?

Would you regret not being there with your mum when she dies?

I haven't got an answer to your dilemma, but maybe you can try to work out your responses to those questions.

I think that as your mum has been given midazolam, she'll be far too sedated to start eating and drinking again, so the likelihood is that she is approaching the end now.

The end of life drugs have arrived and mum has had some medazolam. She isn’t really engaging with the staff any more even before the sedative. My brother is making plans to go over as he hasn’t seen her for a while. He says I should stay here and try to enjoy the weekend.

Am already away. A 2 hr flight away.

I never used to say goodbye to mum after my visits but the last few times I have given her a kiss and said I love her before leaving just like Funnelfan. Everything has been said and done and she is 95% gone already.

My brother who lives on another continent is saying I should stay here and enjoy the weekend. I guess I just take it day by day. He says he’s also on standby. My dad died a few hours after my brother booked a flight for the following day hoping to get back in time so he has already not made it in time once.

It depends on how important it is to you that you are there at the end or not, especially given that the deceased often slip away alone anyway when the loved one holding a vigil has stepped away for a moment.

my own personal feelings are that even though my mum is not at EoL yet, I have said everything I’d want to say and every time I end a visit I always do with a kiss and a “love you”. If I got a call saying mum had died in her sleep then I would be ok with that.

So if you feel you’d benefit from your weekend away with friends I’d say to go. Your mum could hold on for days or weeks. She may not of course - the hospital told us dad had a few days but he went in his sleep overnight when he got his diagnosis (ischaemic bowel), even though 24 hours earlier he’d been absolutely fine. He’d already said “that’s it then” to me, and I’d done my “love you dad, see you tomorrow” thing, so again I was ok with it.

@Choux I’m so sorry to hear this. Hugs. I think go away as in my experience it does take longer. If you’re away currently - and how far away are you ? — you should stay and get some time out to charge the batteries. ❤️

It seems my mum has almost entirely stopped eating and drinking. She didn’t eat much when I last visited a couple of weeks ago and her intake has been up and down since but am told she has barely had anything in the last 24 hours. The care home have requested the GP visit her so they can get the anticipatory end of life drugs. They have also put in a CHC fast track application ‘to help speed things along’ I think that is in relation to getting the GP to take the request for a visit seriously? The nurse I spoke to said she would say mum has ‘days’ left. Although acknowledged she might restart eating and drinking. She is 93, advanced dementia and weighs 91lbs at 4 ft 11.

My panic is I am away for the long weekend and am not sure if this is ‘it’ and I need to cut short my plans (a lovely relaxed few days with friends) and dash to her bedside or if this is the beginning of ‘it’ and it could still take a long time. I know plenty on this thread have been astounded by the survival abilities of their frail elderly relatives (looking at you in particular @GnomeDePlume💐) They say you can only survive three days without water but evidence here would suggest otherwise.

Does anyone have words of wisdom (or any thoughts at all) for me?