How to set boundaries when caring for a demanding elderly parent

I couldn’t get past the “special permission”
she gives you to attend your child’s parents evening.
Echoing everyone else here, you move back home immediately, work out a plan going forwards for yourself first as to what you’re willing to do (maybe with the help of your husband? Presumably he has your back?) and then you inform your mum what exactly you will do for her and what care she needs from other services. And stay firm. She does not get to control you.

FFS op, you have moved in with her and left your own family? You don’t need an advocate, you need to grow a spine. You set boundaries by deciding what’s right for you and your family in terms of her support, and saying no to anything else. Move home first of all. Decide what’s you will and won’t do. When you will phone her and when you won’t, etc. Start saying no, and keep saying it. You don’t need a ‘compromise’, you get to decide what you will and won’t do. You say she has money, so you buy in the care and other services she needs. You don’t have to do what you are doing. You have made a choice. I now suggest you ‘un-make it’, and go home.

What’s a reasonable boundary? Start with: what do you want your life to look like? Where do you live and how do you want to spend your time?

What actual care does your mother need? I’m not talking about company, a live in servant etc. Does she need help to wash / dress / eat / take medications? What are her illnesses and are the physical or cognitive?

My ( now dead) mil tried this when her husband went into a care home. She DECIDED what was best all round was if my husband and his sister ( her children ) left their homes and spouses and dogs and went to live with her permanently. As if the years between them leaving home as young adults hadn’t happened. She was genuinely surprised to be told no - because by that point me and my BIL had successfully de brainwashed our partners from her narcissistic control.

She had been ill lately, so I've had to move in with her to look after her.

No you didn't, you chose to. Blunt I'm afraid but true. You have a husband and children, your place is with them. To move in was a mistake.

Personally I would ask for a care assessment for her needs on the basis you will be moving out in 4 weeks and need a break. You will then look at what you can do going forwards after a 2 week break. Tell her if she refuses and will not engage with a care plan then you will provide zero care for her after you go until she does - as obviously if she is turning care down then you have nothing to contribute to.

You need to be harsh here - no care from you unless it is part of a shared care plan with carers - as you have a family who need you too.

Give yourself permission. Move out. Her expectations are completely unreasonable and the more you give, the more she will expect as you can see already. Your loyalties lie with your husband and children. And believe you me, no matter what hoops you jump through, you will never get the approval you’re looking for. I bet there’s a pattern here that goes back a long way (could be projecting here!). Refocus your lens on your own family. They’re your future. She has to get help, end of story. I would move out today.

You don't need a compromise. You need to not appeal to some part of her nature that isn't there.

You tell her what you can offer and she can take it or leave it. Go home.

Yes shell try it on with the medical crisis but tell her if she's in hospital she's being looked after ok.

Why does she need someone with her?
What needs does she have that require this?

Snap @ICanLiveWithIt . You need to develop a deep, reliable sense of the most important boundary of all, the one between what she wants, and what you want (and need).

You need professional help to learn to really perceive how her needs and your needs, are her and your responsibility to meet, respectively. At the moment you don't seem to understand the difference in a deep way, only at the shallow words level.

There is no way on God's earth myself or my sister would move in with our mother. We love her, she loves us, but that is not a part of the equation. She does need help arranging for, and sorting the payments for, her carers and other admin. But hands on day to day care? No way. And because she loves us, she wouldn't expect it.

As a mother I am horrified by the thought that I might blight my children's lives the way your mother blights yours.

She sounds to me to be a dreadful parent.

What everyone else has said in spades.

But if your reaction to reading the responses here is "they don't understand, it's not that straightforward", then you'd really benifit from talking to a professional to understand why you're unable to assert yourself with your mother and to help you find where you end and your mother starts

The fact is you can't change other people so it's about your response. Why do you feel you have to give into her demands? Fear, conditioning, guilt, it's easier to give in, because you love her and desperately want her to be happy? What happens when you say no? Do you have support and someone to lean on?

Its about looking at why you feel you can't say no and then making a plan to ensure you are supported to hold your boundaries

You are an adult. You don't have to do anything. The only people you are responsible for are your children.

Move back home, tell her you will help her sort out carers and visit around your own commitments.

You aren't a child, she has no control over you.

Wow, this sounds awful.
i would move out and be giving social services a call to get the ball rolling with a package of care. Your mother shouldn’t treat you like this and you deserve better!

This is ridiculous - you moved out of your home with your husband and children and she demands your 24/7 attention?

Her needs could be met by a zillion other solutions - live in carers, respite in a care home, having a social life etc.

What is the (very unnatural) hold she has on you? What do you fear will happen to you if you assert your rights?

Another vote for therapy here.

The key thing about boundaries is that they are YOURS. You decide what you are willing to do, and you stick to that. You don’t even have to communicate them to the other person or have a discussion because you aren’t setting the boundarIes for them - you are setting them for you.

Your mum can have whatever expectations she has or make any demands that she wants to: it doesn’t mean you have to accept them.

But if you’ve had a lifetime of conditioning to obey her, you will find it hard at first.

What’s the situation? where does she live?

You don't "have to move in with her to take care of her". With all due respect, that is a choice that you have made. And you can unchoose it and move back to your home and your family. You can request a care assessment through her county's Adult Social Care team, and a social worker will come and assess her needs if you're no longer there to provide care. If she chooses not to accept carers, then you need to define your boundaries of what help you wil provide, make her clearly aware of them and that you won't drop everything to move in with her, then if she continues to refuse care, ultimately there will be a crisis and decisions will have to be made.

You sound like you might also benefit from some therapy to discuss boundary setting and work with a professional on how you can advocate and set boundaries for yourself.

Well, the first thing I'd do is move out again - she can't control you if you're not living under her roof. Then I'd get a needs assessment done. If she needs care then I would look into carers coming in x times a day or discuss moving into some kind of residential care. You have made a rod for your back by being so available, so you'll have to be firm if you want to reassert your boundaries, but you are completely reasonable to do so. You're an adult with a life and family of your own and this could go on for years, so it's worth thinking about what you are prepared to do for her and what you are not. How do you want things to look from now on? That's what you need to try and achieve. Get advice and help from the GP and Age Concern regarding having difficult conversations and putting sensible and reasonable boundaries in place.