Struggling with MIL assumptions

What was his financial situation when he got with you? Did he own a property or have any assets? I am worried that he has paid off your mortgage to make a claim on your house - whilst at the same time setting himself up with a nice little flat that he also owns to retreat to.

What money did he use to buy the flat with his Mum - how much of your money has he used to renovate it - as well as keep her financially cushioned. She may well have plenty of savings which she isn’t touching because you are subbing her every move - and building a nice nest egg to leave solely to her DS - or is currently flushing it through his pension.

You have DCs - every bean you make should be for you and them

OP, you have mixed up your finances with a man you’re not married to. Both of you seem to have put money into each other’s property. It sounds like a mess that needs to be addressed. At the least you need to get the calculator out and start working out who owes whom and what.

If he helped pay off your mortgage, then he absolutely could make a claim on your house.

Cross-posted (as I often do, I take so long to type)

"he helped me pay off my mortgage after a redundancy"
I'd be worried he'd have a financial claim on my house.

"DH is so generous hes just got in the habit of paying for her everywhere we go and taking her on holiday with us. Its getting to me."
It's always easy to be generous with other people's money. I expect his mother was grateful at first, but it never ceases to amaze me how quickly gratitude morphs into entitlement.

"Massively depleting savings" - how much money are we talking about, re her/his house? (Not asking you to state the amount here, just checking that YOU know the numbers.) The reason I ask is, when you total up money that has been paid bit by bit over a period of time it can come as quite a shock. Have you been keeping tabs? Has he? Has she? You and he needs to sit down and look at the hard financial facts of this situation. You need to know that he knows the cost to you of his generosity.

But it's not just the money, it's the time - his is now spent with her, not you.

I often think the benefit of Mumsnet is that it can be a huge sounding board. You run a situation past a load of strangers and since they don't know you or the other people they can give their tuppence-worth unaffected by emotional attachment to any party. We're not in the situation personally, we're at a distance looking at the woods not the trees. We're also coming in from a standing start, so haven't been the boiling frog as the OP sometimes turns out to be. And all we have to go on is what the OP tells us, which is often more revealing that the OP realises. (Sometimes, by noticing what the OP hasn't told us.)

Personally, I'm looking at a man whose lifestyle is subsidised by his partner (which allows him to work part-time) who uses 'joint' savings (predominantly provided by his partner because she works full-time) to the benefit of his mother and himself (since they jointly owns a property), and his subsidised part-time lifestyle also facilitates spending his non-working time enhancing the value of their property via DIY without his chronic condition affecting his DIY efforts (pretty sure OP would have mentioned if it was affecting his health) which is why he's part-time in the first place.

Those are the bald facts that have struck me.

Not your husband. Not your MIL.
What is his chronic condition? I fear you are being played OP.
He can move in with his mum.

Also is DP paying into a pension?

Easy to sleep walk into these situations under time pressure when someone needs help urgently. But now is the time to say you and your partner need to sit down and plan the future in the cold light of day. Say to him that you need to have a plan for your future as a couple, without it being assumed MIL comes on all future holidays and so on without discussion. You also need to work out the various legal scenarios if she needs care, and or her house has to be sold in the future. Is he ever likely to be working more in the future, or is this part time work going to be it for the rest of his working life? Does he have a pension, or any savings of his own?

And that is great. But it doesn’t mean he can be draining your joint savings to fund his mother who is no relation of yours!! So as I said - stop putting money into the joint savings and remove half of the remainder to your own savings account. As others have said let’s see how generous he is when you tell him your not his piggy bank any more and that you want added to his mothers property given your financial input to it.

You sound very kind, not just financially but also in the amount of effort you're putting in and the way you write about your MIL.

But it's not ok.

I think you need to sit your DP down for a talk about it. In the early days when he and MIL were very newly bereaved it is understandable they were just reeling, and she latched onto expecting DP to sort everything out for her. But that can't go on. He must be exhausting himself doing DIY if he isn't fit enough to work full time, and it's obviously a burden on you financially. It would make me very nervous, in this current climate, to be dipping into savings, because employment is so precarious and jobs are so hard to get.

He then needs to have a gentle talk to her and to explain what he is and isn't in a position to do. It does sound formidably hard for her; she must be missing home and her support networks, and as you say, she is obviously making an effort, but it's rough at her age.

I get how you ended up in this situation, but I think you need to strategise how you're going to change things now.

This lady is not your MIL.

In this case, that matters.

Is your DP an only child? Was your DP left anything by his father or did it all go to mum? Does he have any inheritance or just the house when mum goes?

I think you need to sit and have a chat, this is not sustainable and the rot of it will set in and destroy your relationship.

This is very sound advice and you need to look into this in detail.

Also is the money you sink on her house clearly recorded or it may be included in funding care home fees when it is sold in the fitutr

If you end up funding carers and care home fees you will be bankrupt in no time. Separate your money - put it into your pension or where they can’t get it. Give DH some but out of that he funds DM. That should see a drastic cut in how generous he is.

The moving nearer to you all makes sense. But the financial aspects are more problematical.
I am on the other side of this fence, being retired and widowed ( which is frankly bloody tough and I hate it with a passion).
But .... I am financially independent from my family and would not accept financial help from them in any way. I am not rich ... very much not so .... but keeping myself afloat and spending wisely are down to me and me alone, and this is how it should be. I would not countenance my family having to use any of their money to support me.
The money you have sunk in her property could stay, if affordable, as it is an investment for you, but any day to day expenses are hers alone.
In order not to build up resentment between you and your OH you need to have an upfront conversation with him and set some parameters.
On the socisl side, might you suggest she joins her local U3A? Mine has been a joy and I also organise concert trips for them as well as joining in other groups.

OP, be very careful. If your DP has contributed to improvements in your home such as helping fund a new kitchen or building works, he may well be able to claim a financial stake in the house. He doesn't have rights if he's just paid half bills etc.

You could be in a very tricky situation in addition to the very odd one where he has paid towards a property which doesn't have your name on it although you've provided a fair amount of money for it. And don't pay for MiL's lifestyle stuff, holidays, meals out etc any longer

Why THEIR joint names - your money has gone into it so you should also be on the title deeds?

So she’s not even your mother in law?!

Why on earth have you done this-this is insanity?!

i second everyone else has said about putting a stop to this now…. Also might be worth checking that he really doesnt have a claim on your own property as he might despite not being married if hes contributed to it over a period of time…..

Dear God! You aren’t married so you are basically funding MILs life.

Your decision of course but it seems rather naive.

Nope nope nope. Stop putting money into the joint saving and take out your half of it now and put it in a separate account. Stopping making your money available to him. Ensure the utilities are paid and that’s it. Tell him if he doesn’t like it he can either move in with dear mummy or work more hours to fund her. I suspect you’ve probably lost the money you’ve put into their new house but you could always ask a lawyer if you have evidence it was joint money that was used and get your name registered as a party of interest. Where did you find this charmer?!?

Your being taken advantage of here big time - he isn't even your husband FFS! How cheeky of him to work part time due to health issues but spend the rest of the time working on DIY in his new investment (do you pay towards the house renovations/decoration also?)

Stop financing their house and their lifestyle their fucking lunch and next time you go out for lunch say these 9 words

"do you mind if we pay for ourselves today?"

It's 9 words and it's really really easy to say.