Please help me decide what's best

Thanks for that, it's helpful to know you are talking from your own experience and not just a matter of principle.

We have never forced any of our parents to do anything. But with the driving, MIL definitely did not want to stop. Has there never been a point where you have needed to persuade one of your loved ones to accept more support?

@BishyBarnyBee I understand what are you are saying .
I'm 75 , have been through it with my mum, my twin and his wife with dementia and her difficult relatives, and am currently going through it with an old school friend with dementia and no relatives, and an older brother with dementia.
But .. for me there's a middle road between doing nothing and waiting for a catastrophe and not going against someone's wishes,priorities and reality.

POA can be used with their agreement whilst they still have capacity.
e.g. at some point they decide they want to move, you with POA can facilitate that.
The point about getting POA sorted is so it is there when needed. If you wait until they have lost capacity then you have waited too long.

I'm really interested in the age and experience of those saying you can't do anything while they have capacity. Is that based on your own experiences of caring for very frail elderly relatives, or is it a theoretical/philosophical point of view?

My understanding has totally changed having been through this 3 times and now going into it with the 4th parent with a very heavy heart.

I'm making a really important point based on lovingly supporting 4 elderly parents through various combinations of dementia, terminal cancer and heart failure over the past 13 years.

It's been really tough and distressing for them and for the people who loved them.

In every case, their instinct was to deny reality and insist everything would be fine.

In each case, they made changes later than we would have wanted but earlier than they would have wanted. Stopping driving was one of those changes. It took months of saying "you are not safe to drive" before MIL accepted it. She had full capacity but naturally did not want to face up to the loss of that part of her independence. But she had already had some serious incidents and clearly needed to stop driving.

Persuading her - not forcing her - was really hard. There was one weekend where she roamed the house literally wailing and saying over and over again "I can't believe you want me to stop driving".

But through all of us being clear and firm, she did accept it. It was horrendous, but letting her do what she wanted at that point would have been deeply irresponsible.

For many, though obviously not all, very elderly people, there may be a stage where they have capacity but their instinct is to resist the changes that need to happen to keep them safe. If you love them (quite apart from being the person who has to pick.uo the pieces when it all goes wrong) you don't have to just sit there and wait for the catastrophe to happen. It's perfectly reasonable to try to persuade them to accept the help they do obviously need.

First of all you can’t force them to move against their wishes. If they/mum has capacity they can make their own decisions, unwise or not. Power of attorney, if you have it, won’t kick in until capacity is lost.

Are they willing to spend money to get essential repairs done and to get daily help? I’d be inclined to assist them to stay where they are until the inevitable crisis happens. Social services should be assessing now ideally for support.

Yes,people should bear in mind that you can't force actions against a person's will.
And if you think a POA will make that possible you should consider what this would mean on practical terms.
And read about mental capacity and making decisions.
Mental Capacity Act - Social care and support guide - NHS https://share.google/hGuld2eoAq6s8cWMW

But you can’t force it, so you’re not actually making a point.

We were in a similar position, although only one troublesome elderly! The house they lived in and outbuildings were held up by cobwebs and rusty nails. But they had capacity and were adamant in their 80’s they wouldn't last much longer so didn't want to consider alternatives. I said I’d help them with shopping/bills/admin etc until there was a crisis, and thats what happened. At about 92 they had a small stroke and ended up in hospital where the Dr told them a residential home would be best, and then suddenly it was a good idea, why hadn’t anyone suggested it earlier…

They’ve left it too late to downsize to a nice bungalow, you can suggest a home, but if they’re not agreeable you’ll just have to wait till the enevitable crisis. If they have capacity then you can only suggest not insist. And the bar for capacity is very low.
Has a builder looked at the roof? You might find it could be patched up for a year or two.

There is actually a lot you can do. It would be wrong to force them to do anything but if our elderly parents are not coping, and it is only going to get worse, we don't have to just wait for them to magically realise what they need.

The reality is, many elderly people go into denial about how frail they are and refuse to face up to their increasing need for support.

Up to a point this is healthy, as sheer determination and bloody mindedness can keep their independence longer than might be expected.

But the reality of this is that they end up in unmanageable situations with utterly predictable catastrophes and unworkable living conditions. They then have an absolute crisis if they have no support, or need entirely predictable rescuing by their relatives.

If we can see disaster looming, it's perfectly reasonable to point that out and work on persuading them to change their living situation in whatever way works for them.

My immediate thoughts are
Get the roof made watertight .
Perhaps try not to plan ahead - I know that sounds ridiculous but IME in situations like this it's not worth it .
Leave them where they are - a move is likely to be emotionally and physically overwhelming for them both .
And it's probably not what they want .
Which is important.
Aim to get some help going in.

While they have capacity there’s not a lot you can do.
What do they want to do?

It is difficult because there are a lot of known unknowns - you have no idea how long they will live, or how/when they will deteriorate. But they will definitely deteriorate. Today is the best they are going to be.

I wouldn't do warden assisted. It won't work for your dad and it may not even work for your mum for very long. The only move I would do is to move them both to a care home.

That assumes they agree or you have POA and are able to make decisions for them.

In terms of the house repairs, it depends how bad the roof is. If it is leaking badly and affecting the fabric of that area of the house, it needs to be fixed.

At 90 and with the health conditions you describe, the time when they "absolutely have to" is not far away.

How far away is their home town? At 90, do they actually have friends who will visit them in the care home or is it just that they don't want to leave the familiar area?

From what I've observed, people moving into assisted living with dementia often have to move to full care very quickly. The natural tendency is not to move until they absolutely have to, and the move accelerates the process of decline. So the assisted living stage just complicates things and wastes a lot of energy and money.

So your first option - Dad in residential care, mum in assisted living - is probably the best one if you can afford it.

Getting them to accept it will be hard. The whole process takes time so you might need to be quite firm about starting sooner than they want to do.

It's a horrible stage for them and for you. The Cockroach Cafe thread is a great source of practical advice and emotional support.

First some questions:
Do they claim attendance allowance?
Have you got POA sorted out?
Is the house dangerous or just wearing out? I see needs a new roof, that sounds like it needs doing.
Do they have any external care coming in, would that help?

My parents are similar, but when they go the house will be pulled down and redeveloped so we are hoping it outlasts them.

I think you need quotes for getting immediate work done for safety and to prevent external issues.
Talk to estate agents for estimates and selling situation.

Get AA claimed for both?
Get POA if not already done.