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Elderly parents
Original poster

Visiting elderly parents when only good relationship with one

34 replies

CatLady476 · 11/02/2026 20:01

I have a good relationship with DM but not DF, who was emotionally neglectful at best, controlling and borderline emotionally abusive at worst. Both now very late old age,still together. The problem is my DM is now too old to see me separately - going out is too much effort. So if I want to see her, DF will be there. He's not at his worst these days, but still an unpleasant and unstable man, who can flare up without warning. After a fair bit if counselling, I can be polite to him but would rather keep him at arms length. Anyone in a similar situation? Got any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLady476 · 12/02/2026 08:57

Thanks @Myeyeisnotokay , she just gets very tired now (v late old age). There are no cafes nearby - they live out in the country and I take a train to see them so do not have car. I've asked about hopping in a cab to nearest village and she has said no. I wonder how much the exhaustion is living with my DF - he's...a handful. My DF does not have a TV in bedroom and would be massively insulted if I asked - then that becomes unpleasant for my DM who will run around soothing him for hours or days afterwards. I just want to have some nice, fun time with her.

OP posts:
Myeyeisnotokay · 12/02/2026 08:11

CatLady476 · 12/02/2026 06:46

Thanks Soonenough, genuinely I do not care two hoots about his opinions, and am not holding out for any acknowledgement or apology. That ended decades ago (with the help if a great therapist).

I just don't want to spend a lot of time near him and I do want to see my DM - the issue is that she is now too elderly to be taken out and I can't see her without him present. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same boat and if so, how they handled it?

Can I ask what the reason is she can't go out? Is it a mobility issue, has she got dementia, would she be too tired etc?
I work in the community enabling people and help even the most disabled and elderly people get out and about - that might mean push her to a cafe across the road in a wheelchair for an hour, but it means you get a little 1:1 time.
Otherwise does DF go out at all? Could you time visits for when he's not likely to be there, or could you just ask your DM to ensure he gives you some 1:1 time by watching telly in the bedroom or something?
It's great you can be polite etc, so I would start being more assertive about what you need to be able to visit comfortably. The worst that can happen is he refuses, and your relationship is already down the pan so it doesn't matter if he's offended.
Sorry no personal experience though.

Amiacoolorwarmcolour · 12/02/2026 07:30

Could your mum manage to get in a taxi so that the two of you could go to a local cafe?

unicornsarereal72 · 12/02/2026 07:24

I’m in similar situation with my mother’s husband. He is tolerated. Although I am in a better position that I’m local and mum still can get out and about. I’m becoming more aware that I don’t want to be in his presence at all. But tolerate it for mums sake. Hope you get some advice that helps. I’m able to just go for an hour several times a week and that is enough for all of us.

Original poster
CatLady476 · 12/02/2026 06:46

Thanks Soonenough, genuinely I do not care two hoots about his opinions, and am not holding out for any acknowledgement or apology. That ended decades ago (with the help if a great therapist).

I just don't want to spend a lot of time near him and I do want to see my DM - the issue is that she is now too elderly to be taken out and I can't see her without him present. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same boat and if so, how they handled it?

OP posts:
Soonenough · 12/02/2026 05:59

You have all the power here . He is an elderly man now with no influence on how you live your life . His opinions do not mstter.You will never get the apology or acknowledgement that you want . And it needs to not matter so much to you . You know the truth . Don't let his presence spoil what time you have left with your mother
When you visit perhaps you could take your mother out for lunch , or for a coffee near their flat .

Original poster
CatLady476 · 12/02/2026 05:50

I also really love DM and want time with her in these last few years. I know it makes her happy to see me and she gets lonely.

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Original poster
CatLady476 · 12/02/2026 05:42

It's a small flat with only one living room, so yes, he's usually there.DM is aware it's not a good or a close relationship but she keeps trying to make it better - and it's far, far too late now. I mentally stepped back from a father-child cut relationship with DF decades ago after years of trying because he's just not capable (or willing) to be honest about what's happened or change his behaviour. He will simply deny X or Y ever occurred and blame you for raising it (DARVO/gaslighting).

I think it's more important to see DM than avoid DF at present, particularly because he doesn't treat her very well either and I don't want her to be isolated with him. I can do surface level politeness with DF but don't want particularly close prolonged contact - I live at a distance, so can't just pop in for an hour.

His behaviour isn't (often) as bad as it once was but I've spent a long time learning boundaries and I risk pressing "override" on them to keep everyone else comfortable. In the long term, that's not good.

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 11/02/2026 23:27

If you visit your DM, does DF have to be in the same room? Could you, say, see your DM in one room while DF is watching television in another? Does DM know how you feel about DF, or would she think it odd if you saw her separately in their home? In the final analysis, if your DF is there whenever you see DM, you have to decide where your priorities lie - is it more important to you to see your mother than to avoid your father?

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