Elderly mother not coping, how can I help when I'm reluctant to?

57 replies

CoastalGrey · 09/02/2026 12:38

My DM has always been hard work. She's had a difficult life but it can be hard to feel sympathy as she is very dramatic and self-centred and falls out with people constantly while always playing the victim. I think she means well but is hugely lacking in empathy and self awareness. She would say she's been a great mother but I dont feel that's necessarily true.

She hasn't worked for years due to health reasons (but has usually managed to do the things that she wants to) and has been married several times. I live alone (but have a supportive partner) and have a demanding full-time job. She is now needing more support from me and I'm struggling - both practically and emotionally - to know what I should do. I live 2 hours away - she wouldn't move closer and I can't move due to work and other family. I see her maybe once a month - 6 weeks and we talk on the phone or text in between, there's also a group chat with other family members. My sibling lives nearer but doesnt drive and it's becoming clear that as the oldest it's me she wants.

She has some health issues and her husband more so, she is struggling dealing with his - I dont think she likes the attention he gets as his are more 'visible' but I can also see that she is lonely and lacking in people to talk to. Trouble is I have been her shoulder to cry on since my early teens and I've found that very difficult at times, so now when I should be the dutiful daughter I dont feel as though I want to.

I dont know what she really wants from me or how much I want to help. The issues that have made her life difficult and the choices she's made have also affected me a lot, I've finally come to terms with that (sort of) but it makes me want to step back not step up. How can I be there for her without compromising too much? I dont want to come across all Prince Harry/Brooklyn Beckham but 'my truth' to use a phrase I hate but which feels relevant is that I want to put myself first for once.

OP posts:

dicentra365 · 09/02/2026 14:21

I think being two hours away is actually your friend in this situation. I think you should limit how often you are prepared to speak to her to maybe twice a week? And even then limit the amount of time you’ll spend on the phone. visiting once a month may also actually be too frequent and you might want to cut this down a little. It may actually be easier to be prepared to be involved in things like ordering online shopping and sorting carers than doing the emotional things that you’re doing at the moment. Either way it’s completely OK for you to have boundaries especially as it sounds like you’ve been parenting your own mother since your teenage years.

OLDERME · 09/02/2026 14:20

Let her know you need your own time. The voluntary sector has befriending services. Might she accept this more informal connection? Someone to talk to?

Original poster

CoastalGrey · 09/02/2026 14:14

Thank you for the welcome ☺️ She is early 80s, her husband late 80s. I think what she wants is a closeness that I just dont feel any more. She has become very clingy when I see her and I just find it claustrophobic, but I am human and dont want to hurt her. She is not the frail old lady she portrays though, she can be ruthless when she chooses.

She was like this a few year ago when my father (her ex) was dying - she couldn't bear the attention on someone else. I couldn't deal with her so I suggested she saw a counsellor which she did for a couple of months and apparently now she is all sorted. It's both ridiculous and sad because she should have been in therapy for years but I think it's too late now.

I am willing to help out practically but I dont know how to tell her I dont want to be her sounding block any more - she says I'm the only person she can talk to and that is so much pressure. I look ahead to when I'm older and I dread my daughter feeling this way about me but I hope I've learnt from the past and would never put her in that position.

OP posts:

Miranda65 · 09/02/2026 13:34

Just to add, those of us who are childfree understand that we will have to look after ourselves when we get older, because there is nobody else to do it! We might have to pay for help, or access Social Services, but it's down to us. So if the childfree can do it, why can't people with children? Are they just taking what they think is the easier route?

Miranda65 · 09/02/2026 13:31

I think you need to back off, OP. Just because she "wants" you to run around after her, doesn't mean you have to do it! By all means encourage her to get help in the house contact Social Services and see the GP. But she has to do this for herself, because it's not your job.
Also, don't feel obligated to answer the phone every time she rings!
Put yourself first, OP, because - as already mentioned - the risk is that you'll get sucked into becoming a carer.

BlueLegume · 09/02/2026 13:03

Welcome @CoastalGrey you will get lots of support and advice on here. Many many of us have had a similar experience. Firstly you are not responsible for your mother’s happiness. I agree with @Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep regarding a SS assessment and seeing her GP.

What I am about to say may sound harsh but I have read about and experienced far too many people like this. We are all responsible for ourselves be that through life choices about where we live, about how we plan for our futures etc. IF we do not make plans but take the route of ‘oh I thought CoastalGrey would help’ we are gambling hugely.You have your own life as many of us the EP thread do - with little space for additional responsibilities.

In terms of what she ‘want’ have you asked her?

In terms of what you might be able to do without getting embroiled in a slippery slope of becoming her crutch in life could you tell her you are willing to organise assessments and then discuss the outcomes with her. Help is out there and it is unreasonable for elderly people to assume their adult children will step in when often it is their own poor choices or attitudes that have got them to where they are.

💐

Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep · 09/02/2026 12:52

How old is she?

It sounds like she needs to see a social prescriber through the GP and have an assessment by SS.

I doubt she will want either of them.

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