Elderly mother not coping, how can I help when I'm reluctant to?

Oh OP, I totally get you - it’s exhausting, and the dread of what comes next is real.

This line from your posts really stood out to me: she’s perfectly able, she just wants people to fuss over her.

This pretty much sums up my own mother, who seemingly wants me to be her emotional crutch, and run around after her doing chores, and listen to her endless complaints about her neighbours or latest health niggles. And ditto endless discussions about all her check ups and medical appointments. She’s always been quite a difficult person, but it’s gotten so much worse as she gets older. I find her so hard to deal with, as she’s so draining.

Really she’s lonely and wants attention, but she’s not a very pleasant person (quite negative and judgemental) so it doesn’t make me want to spend much time with her.

My late father fussed over her and indulged her, and I think she assumes I’m going to step into that role, but I just can’t, I don’t have the patience, and it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to want to help herself.

Similar to your situation, my mother has plenty of money in the bank (tens of thousands in savings) and a very good pension, but won’t spend money on getting help in or improving her situation. The implication being that I will do it instead for free.

She’s actually in pretty good health for her age - 82 in a few months - so I wish she would just spend some money and enjoy herself, but she seems determined to be miserable.

I guess I’m just dreading what comes next. There seems to be loads of us out there dealing with this.

Retraining yourself is hard. After DM had the big crisis-accident-hospital etc etc, every call or message or notification sent my body into panic mode. I felt that every question or request was the most urgent thing ever and I had to solve everything immediately (she wasn't even that demanding!). It took time, having a serious word with myself and a very sensible DH to (mostly) get me past it. I should have therapy tho.

Agree with boundaries, you set them, keep to them, do not allow any form of emotional blackmail, that coin has been spent. Get information re. help and you ring her husband's family, so you do what you think is right and, if she doesn't like it, tough, you are looking at what's needed, not want is wanted. You focus on you and your immediate family, compartmentalise involvement with your mum and be prepared to walk away from mind games she might play. Life is not a rehearsal, this is how it is played out, so you write how you want it to be.

OP good morning, and thank you for that last post: yes it does illustrate the situation perfectly. You describe mine too! Lots of helpful and kind posts upthread, but in this particular situation (responding to a message), I just wanted to offer this. I wonder if like me you are slightly addicted to the 'coping' adrenaline rush that comes when a message from DM pops up on the phone. Even though I know it's manipulation. Even though I know she is not alone. If it were an emergency she has a personal alarm which brings someone running. My challenge now is to put the phone down and take deep breath. Make a cup of tea. Let the anxiety response subside. Look at the message when I can. Put the phone down. Another deep breath. Decide a response. A thumbs up might be all I send....something low energy which acknowledges contact but doesn't feed the drama. It isn't a perfect solution but it can stop things escalating. Silence from me means that getting an answer from me becomes her project for the day. BTW DM has 2 children but would never fire off messages expecting a reply to my DB because he is "so busy".... I am never going to change her. All I can do is change my responses. Good luck and thoughts 💐

It's not entirely clear from your post what your mother wants from you at this stage and what you are pushing back against. Does she want practical hands-on help? You say that she's struggling with her husband's illness - what are the issues? Mobility, continence, cognitive? Does she have her own health issues to deal with? Does she want you to visit more often / phone more often / up sticks and move to live near her? It's not clear.

in terms of emotional support she will expect it to be me and will guilt trip me if I try to guide her in a different direction. I know I am allowed to say no but it's very hard to feel you're being unkind to someone however manipulative especially if you've felt that way for a long time.

I don't think there is a way to achieve what you seem to want, without someone being hurt / angry / disappointed. It sounds like you have a lifetime of being your mum's confidante and sounding board, whether you wanted to be or not. That's a hard habit to break. You sound very enmeshed in your mum's happiness, and extricating yourself from that role after a lifetime of training is not going to be easy. It's interesting that you say she doesn't rely on or have the same expectations of your sibling because they are 'unpredictable': perhaps that unpredictability has served your sibling well in keeping your needy, emotionally immature mother at arms length. Whereas you have been the reliable, predictable one.

Here's the thing that many people don't get about boundaries. They aren't for the other person: they are for you. You can't change your mum or the way she is, you can't gently 'guide her in a different direction' by appealing to her better nature. Do you think she's going to wake up one day and say 'I will start taking responsibility for my own wellbeing and happiness, it's not fair to dump on CoastalGrey the way I have been'?

But you can decide what your rules are for you and how you stick to them. What are you willing / able to do? And what are you not willing to do?

You could pass on details of the private ie paid services who provide companionship. We have had good experiences with Home Instead, there are others.

You don’t have children for them to be your only ‘gang’ and social life. You’re birthing an actual human who will have a personality, life and thought processes and friends of their own. I have four children and am making provision that when I’m older ( I’m in my fifties) they will not become responsible for me. We are also divesting some of our assets to pass onto our adult children now rather than see them taken in iht when that day comes. If my kids still want to see me then great ( and they do) but they are not and never will be responsible for me if I can possibly help it.

A one sided relationship is not a relationship. A lot of us on here are a few steps further down this road, and the harsh but short version is what Blue said- step back now or accept you’re all in.

@CoastalGrey it’s almost impossible to confront without someone being unhappy BUT as many of us on here can testify if you get sucked in trying to sort the little things you are on a slippery slope to spending more and more time on her. It happened to me. I thought if I pop in on Tuesday for example and see if I can help her she will be set for the week. But that popping in saw her pointing out non problems - eg. ‘The oven isn’t working’ . Proved that it was by cooking something in it to be told with big sad eyes like a toddler ‘it only works when you are here BlueLegume’. The dryer doesn’t work - it does. The list goes on. Clever though because she knew I would stay and try to fix things. So an hour turns into 5 hours.

For me finding myself sat in my GPs surgery being offered anxiety/depression medication was the lightbulb moment I needed to step back. She had sucked me in and as a decent person I had thought that helping her would be the right thing to do. The reality was/is she carries and invisible set of goal posts that every time something is solved she moves and starts another list. I refused the medication and have slowly started to rebuild my own life again. With hindsight I can see I had started neglecting hobbies and friendships because I was trying to help her. Someone with few friends because she alienates people, no hobbies or interests other than shopping. I thought I was doing the right thing. In truth she had me on a fools errand.

Sorry for the derail - in summary - nip it in the bud now or else you will find yourself down a long road of anxiety. Don’t be me. 💐

It's so hard. My DM has no partner, no relatives she speaks to (other than if she bumped into them in the street), one friend who lives further away than I do, pleasant but distant with one or two neighbours, is in no clubs, no groups, no church. I gave her some Age UK leaflets a while back and suggested they were available for advice or a chat when I'm not. Looked at me as if I was mad.

I have a very weird difficult relationship with my needy, manipulative, difficult sister - and after 25 years of this merry go round I have concluded that grey rocking, constantly redirecting to other resources, and having contact but only on my terms is the way to deal with her.

So if she calls, I don’t answer.

If she messages asking to chat I say I could do it in a few days - she of course then says she needs to talk now as she’s anxious/upset/whatever, and I reply that I’m sorry to hear she’s having a hard time and maybe she could contact x support service or one of her friends, as I won’t be available for a chat until the day I originally said.

In conversations I chat cheerfully about the kids, the dog, the weather etc and when she starts looping into one of her emotional spirals I do a sort of non-commital “hmm, that does sound hard. Have you discussed it with x support service?” and a calm “Well, no, I don’t think I can give you any advice on that, I’m not the expert, have you tried discussing it with y?” etc.

She has definitely noticed the change, complains a lot that I’m not as warm to her now, ropes in other relatives to complain - I always respond with variants of “I’ve spent a lot of time over the years trying to support her emotionally, but obviously I’m not able to give whatever she needs, so she really needs to talk to x support service” over and over.

When pushed I tend to remind people that I have a life of my own and limits to how much I can do, so she needs to talk to x.

So in your shoes first off I would find a local charity/service that offers support to elderly people especially elderly carers and then just keep referring her to that.

And I would do that totally guilt free btw. These services exist, you have no obligation to provide the services yourself just because she would prefer that - your own preferences get a vote too!

I feel for you as I am in the same position. My mother is older , nearly 90 and doesn’t have a partner as my father is dead. She relies heavily on her church and much younger women who she sees as friends , but in reality probably find her very irritating. I am dealing with everything. Money, bills, sorting out practical stuff. My mother is lonely abd scared but she’s never helped me in my life, and I don’t enjoy being with her. She’s very self centred . I live in the same city but am intending to move away this year to be closer to my grandchildren. I feel a lot of guilt, but I can’t be her PA at the expense of my own life.

If I were you I would put in place boundaries. Don’t take her calls outside certain times, see her once a week for a couple of hours , or whatever you can manage, and use outside agencies as much as possible. You have your own life to lead.

My mother also craves closeness and can’t understand why I don’t want to see her more. Maybe because she’s been a bitch to me all her life and hurt me over and over again. She’s alienated quite a few people and in truth no one likes her much.

This is a helpful website with lots of proper explanations of certain behaviours. One that landed with me several years ago is ‘learned helplessness’. In my case I was trying to firefighting minor issues for my parents but they then assumed I was available to them whenever they wanted me to do things and subsequently they learned to be helpless and lost the ability to deal with anything.

https://outofthefog.website

If you have to choose guilt at doing nothing or resentment at letting it take over your life, choose guilt every time.

@awkwardcow has done a very good summary there.

She doesn’t want a relationship with her daughter, she wants (free) hired help, so let her buy that in. Don’t feel guilty OP.

It sounds like she is now a carer, are there any local charities supporting carers? They can offer counselling as well as practical help. They may be eligible for benefits such as attendance allowance which would help pay for additional care.

Many people here will tell you to back off and wait for the inevitable crisis when other family members who live closer will have to step up.

I understand you completely OP. I also have an... interesting... relationship with my DM, who I know believes that she was a wonderful mother but who actually put a lot on me (as the only daughter) and continues to do so. We're now at the stage where I have ended up giving a lot more of my time and energy than I wanted to and I am being expected to give more and more. With the benefit of hindsight, the things I wish I had done/avoided are:

• Don't fall in to the trap of doing things for her that she could do herself just because it's quicker/easier- try to signpost her to places that can help. Otherwise it quickly becomes 'Oh, CoastalGrey does all of that, she's the only one who knows about it so she needs to do it' and the remit of that one thing you did because it was quicker gradually snowballs
• Don't answer the phone if you are doing something else. As you live 2 hours away if it was life and death she'd have to call emergency services anyway and if not she can leave you a message. If she's anything like my DM, once you answer she won't accept that you're busy and will call back and you will be expected to give her whatever support she wants there and then. If possible, try to arrange in advance a time/day that you'll call her rather than inviting her to call you- that way you can pick a time that works for you and manage expectations of how often that will be.
• If you are going to offer practical help, encourage her to outsource help first (eg cleaning/gardening) then you help with things that can't be outsourced so easily. If possible avoid taking on tasks that need to be done repeatedly and regularly so that you don't feel you have to find a stand in if you want to go away/don't feel well etc.
• Don't allow other family members to guilt trip you in to doing more than you want to do. I have learned the hard way that people have very strong opinions about what 'someone' MUST do for DM but no one else wants to be that 'someone'. I've found you need to develop quite a thick skin and be prepared to simply say 'I can't do that'. NEVER give a reason- this will be taken as an invitation to counter your reason. If other family members get upset/annoyed with you ask yourself whether that matters- are you prepared to lose out on time with your own family and be browbeaten in to doing what they say just to keep them sweet?
• Remember that acknowledging that your Mum can make her own decisions about her healthcare/help at home/support etc does not mean that you have to facilitate this. If she decides, for example, that she does not want external help or to take part in any social activities etc this is up to her, but it does not mean that you are obliged to fill the void and be her carer/only emotional support etc