Elderly mother not coping, how can I help when I'm reluctant to?

Even if someone does have the time to do it, it doesn’t mean they are well suited to be a carer. My last work contract finished in August and I genuinely thought I could assist DPs who live an hour away a lot more and go up twice a week to supplement their carers. Except both of them have some form of dementia and I found it emotionally awful and of course the more I did, the more they expected. I have gone back to a part time job this week and am already feeling much better ( although of course guilty) and DH has retired as he planned to anyway and is taking on the regular visits.

Do as much or as little as you need to feel you have discharged your interpretation of how much an adult DD with your obligations and of not great DPs should do and ditch the rest. Your M will of course complain and you may feel guilty, but both of you will get over that if you’re consistent and don’t cave ( unless of course dementia is involved in which case you’re screwed no matter what you do).

Even if someone doesn't have children and/or a demanding full time job, it doesn't mean they should give up their life. It makes the "ask" even more ridiculous of course.
I am amazed my DM has forgotten her own frustration at getting little help from (male) siblings and having a DF that refused any outside help.

Of course, mine is assuming this, but has failed to grasp that not being local, having a demanding full time job and children at primary school (because women often have children at an older age now) means I can’t be her carer.

I think in previous generations it was just assumed the daughter would do it. No matter what. But a lot of those daughters didn’t have any choice about it - I’ve seen it happen in the generation two above mine where there was a daughter who wasn’t allowed to marry and who never left home because she was caring for parents.

I'm really struck by how many of us on this board have elderly Ps who did not really parent us very well, and yet expect a lot from their DDs in old age because it's our "role". It's more common than I realised!

@CoastalGrey Oh yes, this is so familiar. I regularly hear examples of what other adult children do for their parents, how so-and-so moved close them, etc.

Of course, he never mentions the friends who are in the opposite situation and still giving a lot of support to middle-aged children. Nor that many of his example have several children (I’m an only) so can share the parental support. Apparently I’m supposed to be Superwoman. 🤣

Its different these days. Oh she minded her mam.. I said we all work now. Lives are busier. I find they get really selfish.

OP, I was tempted to describe my own experience but I think it's too different - my mom isn't always the easiest person, and can grind my gears at times, but I do love her very much and am largely happy to suck up the difficulties and be there for her .... I could be wrong, but I sense this may not be the case for you? (And zero judgement from me if it isn't - I realise I am very lucky, compared to many on here).

A helpful question to reflect on (my counsellor asked me this recently and I found it useful) for you might be:

• if you were to consult only your own wishes, ignoring your mom's needs and desires, others' expectations etc,, what would YOU like your relationship with your mom to look like? How much contact would you like, if any, and what form would it take? How much time (if any) would you like to spend on her company, and what would this look like? Etc.

I think being clear in your own mind on this is at least a starting point. We don't always get what we want , but if you know what you are hoping for, in a perfect world, then it's easier to set, and then try to establish, boundaries as to how far from this ideal you are willing to deviate.

Hope that makes sense? And good luck!

I have no real advice but just wanted to offer support… we are in a similar position with both sides of aging parents, and my MIL particularly has lots of health issues, does not help herself at all with her health or family relationships (very judgemental so has made her own bed so to speak) and after a recent serious stint in hospital got used to all the attention and family visits- she is now home and is making it clear how lonely and incapable she is back on her own. Whilst I feel for her, it’s just not feasible for us to drop everything for her and not do we want to, but how to handle it and help her without getting overly involved?? the guilt is awful.

I will be reading replies with interest and hope you get some good advice from others who have already been through this. Good luck x

I could have written your post OP. My mother is exactly the same . She doesn’t need help / care yet but doesn’t have a single friend at 80 , has no savings at all having spent every penny she’s ever had with nothing set aside for the future . I have been her financial and emotional crutch since she left my dad when I was 8yrs old . She has been married 4 times and the last husband walked out 4 yrs ago . For my own sanity I’ve taken a complete step away , I pop my head in once a week to say hello and then get the hell away . I’ve told her I will not be her carer and nor will I be a POA or anything involving her finances as she’s so suspicious of everything she’ll no doubt think I’m fleecing from her . I am an only child so no one to share the burden with .

Part of learning to set boundaries and stick to them is accepting that you are going to feel like the bad guy at times. It’s uncomfortable if you aren’t used to it.

So for your mums texts, how do you want to respond? What’s going to be your rule? Maybe you don’t reply straight away, maybe let her go to voicemail? How often do you speak to her?

Do you have a headset for your phone? I can’t stand the emotional support chatter but I stick her on headset and do something else whilst she rambles on so it doesn’t feel like wasted time.

She has plenty of people around to talk to but somehow thinks the daughter is the one who should be responsible for all of this.

I just say “oh dear” or “that’s difficult” type comments at intervals without trying to offer solutions.

OP, I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but what sort of relationship did she have with her own mother? Was she always expected to put her mother first (as can often be the case with women of that age/generation), and now expects you to do the same for her?

Be there for emotional support on the phone and the occasional visit and be clear that because of the distance you can't be involved in practical support at all and they should pay for help if they need it. Keep saying this.

@CoastalGrey

You could set her number to automatically go to voicemail?

Via Phone/Contacts App : Open the contact, tap the three-dot menu, and select Block contact. Calls will go to voicemail, and you may get a notification that they called.

That would, at least, give you some breathing space 😊

@CoastalGrey The Adult Social Care assessment is to work out how to make their lives easier even before they need carers. They can help them organize their finances if necessary, source various aids around the house if they need them, etc. Honestly, I’d really recommend looking into it now. My Dad really liked his assessor and she was able to help him for 12 weeks. She and I also communicated so I knew exactly what she was helping him with.

Op I dont phone mine daily as so negative. 80s. Boundaries your only thing. Ive got texts demanding urgent replies. Had explain Im in work. She calls all the shots if I allowed it. Thumbs up a good response too. God its draining isnt it. Has she carers or home help.

Contact Adult Social Care in her area and they can arrange for an assessor to visit and help work out what type of support they need. My Dad had one after my SM died and she was brilliant. She provided both practical and emotional support.

Re. Long chats and emotional support. It’s trying, isn’t it. This may not be the right decision for you, but I’ve decided that my Dad (87) needs it and I ring him most days. My take is that he’s not going to be around for many more years so I’ll deal with it.
It’s draining sometimes as he completely offloads on me-some days he’s upbeat and fine; others he’s feeling unwell and it’s pretty miserable. On the positive side, it has made us closer and he’s lovely to my children (if not always to me)!

It’s a very difficult time of life, especially when they’re self-centered people. It’s certainly teaching me how not to behave when I’m elderly!

I find using the “Do not disturb” function on my phone really helps. I have it on for all of work and commuting time, plus overnight. It means she can’t get hold of me immediately and has made her learn to await a response.

I’ve had the attempts at urgent but really trivial messages too. Sometimes I will respond and ring her that day when I’m available, but I won’t then ring her in the usual day/time that week - I told her I needed to do the things I hadn’t had time to do because of making the earlier phone call. So she’s not getting any extra time from me.

I do think my female relatives of the past weren’t really working much at all, so did spend a lot of time listening to the endless chatter about nothing from elderly relatives. But then they’d have known the same people, used the same GP and hospital and had a lot of free time compared to me. I couldn’t care less about the people mine goes on about, have never met them!

Feelings won’t kill you op, you may feel you are being horrible but so what, you aren’t and you are creating the feeling yourself, she isn’t. But you don’t like the feeling so you will do anything to get rid of it, then you have another feeling - resentment.

you are also tormenting yourself self with the what ifs, again they aren’t facts. All the things you are saying she’s no friends she only wants me, you are getting something out of that, you are mummy’s chosen one like when you were a child. I’m so grown up mummy says so she shares grown up things with me. I’m special. It’s hard when that’s been your life but it can change.