Struggling to cope with personality changes and parental dynamic

I found that the best way of dealing with the bank statement thing (I had very similar, she did not recognise normal monthly outgoings like council tax & I had to spend ages explaining them) was to move to online only statements - just say the bank phasing out paper statements, modern life, how annoying etc. Then if necessary you can show a statement on your phone, but you don’t have to go through the paper statements item by item each month, with unnecessary worry being caused.

You could discuss respite with them couch it as a break for them both. Twin room might be available

The HRT really helped. I was already making the best of it all, generally very positive so CBT didn't really seem to be a good fit.
Because I'd been in flight or fight so long, disproportionate reactions to things I'd normally take in my stride, I went for Autogenic therapy. Ten sessions, learn a bit more of the technique each time. The therapist was lovely, kind, supportive and it was just so nice to be asked 'how are you' and not have to give anything back.
I use the Autogenic training as a quick 'deep breathe' , sometimes a longer reset but the main thing was it gradually brought me down from running on longterm cortisol.
My therapist was based the South West, I think the website has details properly trained & qualified across the country.

@rookiemere you are a carer because you are doing the work of caring, as am I, even though we don't live with or even near our olds. Caring isn't just hands on things, it's all the thinking you have to do and the multiple things you have to have in your head in between visits. The phone calls, paperwork, etc. The emotional labour. The dread too, and the guilt we often have to deal with because we no longer really have family relationships with them, we are caring and managing and it becomes a chore, a duty. Weirdly, the crises are easier to manage than the day to day grind, because at least in a crisis I can go into "work mode". Visits when DGM is home are more waiting for the crisis and knowing whatever you're doing won't really be enough to prevent it. The uncertainty of when it'll land and what it'll be this time is the difficult bit.

My post hospital/CH/home visit ritual is a hot shower with one of those aromatherapy steamers, a stiff drink, a cuddle with the dogs on the sofa, some chocolate and mindless TV. I'm AuDHD, routines help quell the post visit anxiety about what I might have forgotten/what the next phone call will have in store! If you need structure, then definitely build in those bits of time to breathe. Go to the shop and have some time to yourself, get a decent lunch while you're out and away from the biohazard fridge, grab your favourite coffee, put a podcast or music on while you eat. If I'm really feeling fed up, I go on YouTube and put Thomas Benjamin Wild's "I've no more fucks to give" on. Won't change my mood but at least I'll laugh!

Another vote for post redirection. Only problem is that the PO will write to them to let them know it’s happening- which is of course right as far as it goes - but just to let you know that.

Also a vote for box breathing, I was doing it just last night. It really does help. A bit. I’d be going truly mad in your place.

I was referred for CBT once.

the referral was rejected on the grounds that the things I was anxious about were real and were actually happening.

CBT is largely about controlling anxieties etc by comparing them with reality. If your reality is genuinely such that those anxieties are truly based in it CBT will not help.

i recommend wine.

A meditation app helped me maintain some of my sanity.
But so did realising that I can't do everything, can't change who DM is or the choices she made/makes.

Think about things you can put in place like snacks in the car for emergencies (nuts, dried fruit maybe). Build things into your routine when you visit to help yourself - eg stop at the last nice supermarket before theirs and get a meal deal so you know you'll have easy food. If I'd done a long day at the parental house I would book a hotel for myself that night, rather than staying at theirs or driving straight home - so I knew I could have a few hours on my own to decompress, stare mindlessly at a TV and not have to do or say anything. I didn't tell them of course. Might not help for you but it did me.
I would push on the fridge issue as this ought to be something the carers could do if just binning out of date food. Can your DH pick it up with them?

I remember at the hospital when Mum was in after a uti. Age UK were in the corridors trying to help adult children like me trying to support their elderly parents.

She kept calling me a carer and twice I had to correct her and say I wasn’t and had a job, a husband at home and was just trying to help out. Looking back she was correct - I was a carer. Mum wanted me to be one and although she didn’t want to be a burden I found myself in the role.

I so feel for you. Parents with tons of money but want YOU to do things. In their muddled view they want you to do it. They can control you and make a big old fuss.

I ditto what others have said about the post. Get it directed to you. The letters will set your Mum off and things that should take 10 mins take hours. I used to be given a list of things to do with the sad face and the occasional crying if I didn’t do it within their timescales.

Very elderly parents can be incredibly selfish and self absorbed. Mum used to say to me if she couldnt get me to do things then who? Good that you have LPA. That makes a big difference.

It is such an awful thing to go through and so many of us too, with very little support from officialdom. Nothing prepares you for it. It's like jumping out of a plane with no parachute only to land on a never ending rollercoaster! At least we can all commiserate together.

For the panic attacks, look up box breathing technique - takes a while to get the hang of but it will calm you down and draw your focus inwards. Breath work is very good for calming the nervous system.

Good luck in the new job.

@rookiemere I'm not sure CBT can help much when the issue is actually your circumstances, rather than your own cognitions and feelings being the issue. It's not supposed to be used to reconcile people to awful circumstances really. It's more for things like anxiety, OCD, etc, where there is a problem with things like perception of risk and perspective. Not sure that applies when your parents are declining in mental and physical health, won't accept help and want family to do everything they want to their exact standards, and you're dealing with ambiguous loss and anticipatory grief! I guess maybe if you're finding yourself ruminating a lot or catastrophising, perhaps it could be helpful though with that side. I tend to prefer the third wave cognitive therapies like Acceptance and Commitment therapy or compassion focused therapy, especially if you struggle with self compassion. Or transactional analysis if you find yourself caught up in drama triangles with family a lot. I used to use that as a tool in family therapy when that was a big part of my job (now moved up the greasy pole and don't do clinical work, but I do miss it sometimes).

Herbal remedy wise, I've had some success using melatonin and CBD at night when the thoughts are racing and I'm drowning in things to do and am tempted to stay awake and do them rather than rest. Also a good magnesium supplement and omega3. I've found a lot of supplements a tad pointless but those I really do notice if I don't take them for a bit.

@rookiemere The most useful thing I found was the support group. Speaking to people who have been where you are where you can unload everything with no judgement helps. Unless you've been there, you have no way of knowing how stressful and painful it is. I also do meditation with sound which is soothing.

I've done CBT, it won't help in a situation you are not in control of, but I guess it may help you react differently to the triggers. I'm not sure that herbal remedies are strong enough when your fight or flight response is in a constant state of readiness. I have had prescription medication for anxiety in a different situation. That does help. Also, go visit the Cockroach Cafe thread on here, lots of people going through the same or similar with their parents, everyone's just lovely and lots of helpful support.

I'm sorry to say that the situation usually resolves itself with some sort of catastrophic event which will force the solution. I'm sorry I can't be more optimistic, but it is grim. Your OH sounds lovely though, cherish that and find joy in the small stuff. 💐

You need a break.

take it.

the panic attacks are telling you that you need a break.

Start looking for care homes before the need arises, although it sounds like that may be needed sooner rather than later. If your mother is bedridden, she should be hoisted when moved. Do you think your father may benefit from a respite break? This would probably force the issue of residential care, as he's probably covering up a lot of her behaviour.

You need to look after yourself. I recently found a carer support group which is extremely helpful with dealing with the anxiety that being in this situation causes.

Just want to send you a ton of empathy @rookiemere as it really is awful when they change so much and they can no longer even comprehend the demands they are placing and the toll it takes so they can have everything as they wish, or even that you have needs of your own at all. Hopefully getting the post redirected might reduce the saving things up. I'm glad your DH can help, and yes it is different due to less emotional investment for them. 💐

You don't need to contact every organisation, just complete a redirection form at the post office so all correspondence is automatically redirected to you. If something arrives that you want them to see, take it over when you go.

Annoying repetitive conversations with people with dementia are par for the course unfortunately.

But as you have POA you can make the decisions about what care they have, and you have access to their funds to pay for it. You don't need your father to agree. I didn't even ask my mother, I went ahead and organised it. The advantage of POA is that you don't have to watch them muddle along, you can step in and change what needs changing.