Am I being unreasonable for cancelling a visit to my mum

28 replies

Member123467890 · 07/02/2026 11:46

My mum (68) was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disease which has left her unwell. I live 60 miles away from my parents. When she became very unwell, I was driving up to take her to hospital appointments (my dad doesn’t drive so they were relying on friends/family/bus). I was also managing all communication about her health with my older brother who lives in abroad.
I spent most of Christmas/New Years away from my children and by her side when she was admitted to hospital for 2 weeks. Often driving 120miles per day to manage spending time with my husband&kid and parents.

I work full time, have 2 children (3+5).

my dad has suddenly had to go abroad as his sister is on palliative care. I’ve been ringing my mum most days to chat to her but haven’t been able to see her this week. I was due to visit today as our whole family are attending a friends party around 10miles from my mums house. Things unravelled this morning, we all woke up late, the kids are tired (so are we!) so there wasn’t time to visit my mum before the party. I called to let her know and she sounded so upset and is now not responding to my messages. We said we’d come after the party but she’s giving me the silent treatment.

I feel terrible and understand that she’s bored/lonely/worried but I’m struggling under the pressure of keeping everyone happy and looked after.

I’ve asked my parents multiple times to sell their house and then we’ll buy a big house together so they can live with us but they refuse! We’re currently looking to move to a bigger hours that has potential for an annex or spare rooms to accommodate them if they ever change their mind (without any financial help from them).

my older brother is really unhelpful. Obviously he lives on the other side of the world but he’s not very communicative. He’s really disorganised and often needs to borrow money from my parents to keep his family afloat. My husband and I have even offered him 20k to help with his mortgage.

I feel like I’m being crushed under the pressure of looking after everyone. Am I overreacting? If this just what life is like when your parents get older?

OP posts:

CollieModdle · 07/02/2026 11:54

It’s tough, but you can only do what you can do.

And alongside you running yourself ragged, your Mum and Dad will just have to come to terms with some of the discomforts .

It would obviously be better if they moved closer to you and feeling some of the pinch might help encourage them to see the sense.

I get a chill wind hearing about your Mum’s reaction to your not visiting before the party. Do you honestly want to live the next 20 years being guilt tripped if they live in the same house? I’d go for persuading them that a suitable place closer by would suit.

Enjoy the party, don’t fret, pop in afterwards, tell your mum directly, honestly and breezily that life with a job and two small kids means that it is not possible to do everything. And just put your Teflon coat on against any passive aggressive grumpiness.

MaggieBsBoat · 07/02/2026 11:53

TheGoddessAthena · 07/02/2026 11:49

She's disappointed because you promised one thing - to visit before the party - and are now going back on that for to be honest pretty shit reasons. We woke up late, the kids are tired.... seriously?

However, your alternative of visiting after the party is a reasonable one.

They woke up late and didn’t have the time! Did you read the post?

of course you’re overwhelmed. It’s ok for her to be disappointed but you do not have to always prioritise her. Your priority is you and your kids at the weekend. Breathe deep. She’ll get over it.

TheGoddessAthena · 07/02/2026 11:49

She's disappointed because you promised one thing - to visit before the party - and are now going back on that for to be honest pretty shit reasons. We woke up late, the kids are tired.... seriously?

However, your alternative of visiting after the party is a reasonable one.

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