Anyone moved parent(s) to live near them? How did you convince them if they were unwilling?

I've tried and tried OP and failed. She's in a village with no bus service and no shops. She is 78 and refuses to entertain the idea. She won't even move into the nearest town. She basically can't be bothered, content in the knowledge that my sister and I will have to sort it all out when it becomes a crisis.

We have an awful relationship anyway due to her emotional abuse, and this is making it worse. I don't know why she thinks it'll be any easier in her 80s than her 70s. I am not going to be able to drop everything and drive four hours to her every time she needs something and neither will my sister.

It’s so hard isn’t it? I’m incredibly close to my mum but I now live 30 miles away with 3 children under 7. She is late 70s with decreasing mobility due to some sort of back issue we’ve never been able to get to the bottom of.
she doesn’t drive, has lived in the same house for over 60 years and flatly refuses to move anywhere near me even though we would all greatly benefit from it.
she now comes and stays with me for a week every month, I’m at work 3 days so she just potters around my house doing the cleaning and washing . It gives her something to do (I don’t ask her to do it) and gives me less to do. The kids absolutely love her week here and on my days off we go out for lunch or do garden centres.
I’m going to have to bring up her moving here again but I know she won’t. She’s used to what she’s used to… we will just have to adjust to what she wants. Her visits might have to change to be every other week. I might have to change my dining room downstairs to be a bedroom for when she visits.
But this lady has literally gotten me through my absolute worst days so I will do anything to make her later years easier.
everyone’s situation is different. I’m struggling with an elderly mum, small children even though I have siblings who are useless and haven’t seen her for years. I absolutely could not be happy with “is she warm and fed” but they probably could without a second thought because they are selfish.
We’re also in the situation where she doesn’t now know many of her neighbours, the ones she does know are also elderly and unable to help her.

Whatever you decide to do, I would caution against the idea that you are the solution for any problem your mum has. It’s a slow creep of tasks that end up dominating your life - bringing new meaning for making a rod for your own back.

its really hard to watch a loved parent make terrible decisions which you know are going to turn out badly. Doubly so when you strongly suspect you will be the one called upon to sort out the inevitable mess which could be avoided by the right action now.

I coped by adopting “good enough” standards. Is she safe, warm, fed? Job done. House cleaned to her previous standards? Garden tidy? No. Does it matter? No. Pilot light for the boiler went out? Stairlift stopped working? Neighbour or carer can look at it and call me, for suggestions because I’ve learned a 100 mile dash up the motorway and 100 miles back is not compatible with a full time job.

Good luck.

It sounds to me as if she needs a cleaner and a carer to help her. you can’t force people to move.

My mother eventually moved aged 85, to a high end retirement development, Tbh it was fairly disastrous. She hated the place (with some good reasons), was bored stiff without her garden, missed her familiar routines and her single friend in the same area.

Unless she is keen to move, I wouldn’t do it.

I would be reasonably proactive about other help though. Try Age UK. Round our way you can meet with one of their advisers (I’d be there too) and apply for shopping help which it sounds like she could benefit from, interest groups, exercise groups which might help her at least maintain the mobility she has.

But it is still her choice .

You are offering her a solution. You are not being unkind or a bad daughter, what you are offering is massive.

We can't be responsible for the decisions of adults.

Duplicate post

Its just not possible to relocate sometimes tho.
Their life is where I was brought up, and where my brothers grave is - there is no way they will move.

DH and I have jobs 200 miles away - and for reasons associated with what DH does, he wouldn't get a job near my parents.

So, it will have to be putting things in place to let them live their lives as independently as possible - because motorway dashes will be a weekend only option unless dire emergency. It will be significantly cheaper to put money based back ups in place than have a DH who is as good as unemployed - think along the lines of he's a fisherman, and my parents live about as far from the coast as possible.

You’ve very fortunate to be in that position. The reality is that as parents age, they typically become more and more dependent on their children. There can be frequent UTIs, falls and hospital admissions. For many of us, it’s not really about making ‘our lives easier’ but about surviving and not having to be utterly worn out, racing up and down the motorway all the time.

Yes, it’s a choice to care for elderly parents but if you have a loving relationship with p
them, it’s a responsibility you cannot put down. I’m only just surviving because I’ve got a lovely network of people local to my dad who don’t mind occasionally helping out in an emergency. If I didn’t have that, it would be a case of leaving my dad to suffer on his own (not an option) or him moving closer to me.

There is no way I would ask either of my parents to relocate to make my life easier - and absolutely no way either of them would leave the town they have lived in for 50 years.
BUT, I'd also love them to "only" by 80 miles away. Assuming there is a reasonable road, thats a decent day trip.
That said, currently they have enough cash to throw money at issues - so there is a cleaner, and go fresh is a fairly common evening meal choice.
So, is money available to sort some of the issues?

My mum (70s) voluntarily moved back to our hometown where sibling and I still live, and promptly fell out royal with the pair of us and couldn't care less about the DGCs, so we see and hear from her even less now than we did previously. Not sure it's exactly a win, but at least I'm not being driven to distraction by her something-of-nothing nonsense any more 🤷🏻‍♀️

In your case, if she doesn't want to move she isn't going to, regardless of how much (you think) she's struggling instead of having things how you'd have them.

@Miranda65 If they have any expectation of assistance it means it’s very difficult. DH can fortunately WFH so he spent 3 weeks at his Mums when she was recovering from an operation last year. She lives a couple of hundred miles away. We suggested she moved near us when she was in her early 70’s but she didn’t want to. When she had her hip replaced she stayed with us for a month, this next time she had an op he stayed with her. She is mid 80’s now and has decided she wants to move up now. honestly unlikely to happen. If she was down the road it would have been easier for everyone.

If it comes to the point that offspring are going to have to care for their parent before very long, I think it's absolutely fine to encourage their parent to move closer. As an older person with grown up children, I really don't want to be a burden to them. They work full time, one has children, and if they had to be responsible for my care at the present distance, it would take over their lives and restrict them hugely.

And it's far harder to say 'okay, you have every right to live here to the end of your days, but it's your choice and I won't be able to help you. You'll be on your own' - and follow that through, than you seem to think.

Yes but that may be at the expense of getting help from their kids who are 80 miles away. They can't insist on staying put and having the help.

Goodness me, this makes me glad I'm childfree! How any adult would have the nerve to tell another adult what to do and when, I don't know. Why are you treating them like 5 year olds? If these "elderly parents" want to stay in their own homes, then that's what they should do, however difficult it is. We don't know as much as we think we do, and that includes what's "best" for others.

I think some elderly people get to a point of no return, where they cannot handle change, just as they really need it. By the time a move closer to family, change to a more manageable home or even just a cleaner is needed, the logistics or fear of the unknown is an insurmountable barrier. So it often leads to a situation of having to leave them to struggle, because they won't accept help or change their arrangements to make it easier for family to help. This is horrible but sometimes you have to sit back until a crisis forces a change on them. You can't force another adult to do something, ultimately. And they will have their reasons (pride, dignity, security).

Are there any extra care flats near her or near you? My mum was in one and it catered for a wide range of people, so was suitable for people like your mum is at the moment, right up to end of life care. My mum was paralyzed by a stroke and lived there right up to her death, but other people were only needing oversight. Some were houses there by the council, others bought or rented their flats.

Just tell her that if she wants your help, she needs to move. If she doesn't, that's her decision, but then withdraw. Go and see her for a coffee - but nothing else. Whenever she asks you to sort something for her say 'I'm so sorry, I would if you were closer.' She'll either move or develop her own support networks.

@ZackyP could you contact social services or her GP and mention your worries??

Mine refused my offer and lived 300 plus miles away. I did what I could to visit and support but it was an awful time for me trying to manage a career, family and home and also make arrangements and support an 80 year old 200 miles away. I wouldn’t do it again