Concerned about Dad's cleaner, am I overreacting

I also think old people can sometimes get stressed about having things in their house that they know they won’t use. Especially food, I think it’s the pressure of it being there and the thought of it being wasted combined. Particular at a time when their appetite often gets smaller.

Just to add as well that my elderly mum received food items that she simply doesn't want.

I would think it common for people to give stuff away in this manner and I think that your DH has taken this a bit personally because you bought the chocolate.

Elderly father does simply not want it and not want it hanging about either, regardless of best before dates.

I have to say that messaging the cleaner, when you know full well df didn't want the chocolate and having gone through the recycling, is weird and you will be lucky if she doesn't sack you/your dad off as a client.

I agree. She's a cleaner, not your dad's carer. Its lovely that his previous cleaner messaged you about him but that's not her role and its expecting way too much of her to be monitoring him and reporting back to you (aside from the obvious is she found him on the floor or something)

DFiL received chocolates and biscuits at Christmas and has no interest in eating any of them. They will still be there next Christmas if he doesn't give them to us. He struggles with the packaging & they immediately blend into the background. I wish he would give them to his lovely cleaner!

Why on earth would you message her about that? He gave her the chocolate. I give my cleaner loads of stuff I think she might want / her kids might want. It’s his house and his chocolate. I cannot fathom why you would make her feel like she’s done something wrong. I’m actually mortified for her. Stop micromanaging your dad’s cleaner.

Elderly people often seem to give things away. I remember my nan doing it with me and my mother does it now too. I think she gives people cash too sometimes (£20 here and there) and she insists so it is awkward for people to refuse.

I have a feeling she might leave anyway. I would be so embarrassed if somebody asked this and it would be obvious you were insinuating something. And she’s a really nice cleaner? They’re hard to find…

FWIW she might not have even wanted them, it’s kind of hard to say no sometimes without thinking you might offend someone.

You think the chocolate is a big deal because you gave it as a birthday gift. But that doesn't inherently make it special I'm afraid and clearly Dad wasn't keen. It was a misfire of a gift and he gave it away.

Take a breath and sort your priorities - asking the cleaner to let you know any time he offers her something as basic as clearly unwanted food is overbearing and frankly quite rude to both her AND Dad as he still has capacity. You are both reacting as though diamonds and wills have been involved- this is a non issue you've turned into an issue.

@Wayoutwestie i think you're overreacting. I know how time consuming and concerning it can be with elderly parents. My husbands parents have moved 5 mins from us, both mid 80s and we’re picking up a lot. They have a cleaner (she is also our cleaner) and they give her random stuff because they don't want it. Mum in law even bought her a rice cooker for no reason. Which I thought was odd. But it was a gift.

I thought you were going to say she was trying to marry him or something likecthat. Not take a gift he offered her. I think you are over reacting tbh. I was in a similar situation to you with my dad living on his own after mum died. We used a professional company, where they sent two cleaners at once, and they weren't allowed to accept gifts.

He gave her chocolate. Not his bank card.

Why should she let you know in future if he offers her anything OP? You are really overstepping here. She is a cleaner, not a carer. You started your post by saying your dad had Alzheimer’s and going on about her trustworthiness, and now you’re making it sound like she needs to check in with you constantly.

If your dad needs more care then a carer needs to be hired - don’t put so much pressure on the poor cleaner.

I agree with the above. I think it’s a bit of a leap to think accepting a bit of chocolate could lead to something else. It was offered to her, and she said she’d message you but he said not to. Obviously money, ornaments etc. is different but sounds like it was simply too much chocolate and neither of them wanted to offend you

Firstly, cleaners aren't carers, so if you want her to let you know if he tries to give her anything then you're going to have to ask her.
Secondly, I'm assuming he still has capacity over various areas of his life, so if he wants to give something away then that's up to him.
Re. paying in cash, when my parents had local authority carers we were advised to put money in a safe for groceries etc and they provided receipts and wrote in a book each time they used anything. The cleaner (again local authority) was paid in cash by my dad as at that point it was only my mum on the dementia pathway. Please don't expect the cleaner to take on more than her role suggests and accept that your dad has given her a small gift. As I say if it's really such a huge problem, just politely ask that she lets you know due to the dementia.

If your dad is paying the cleaner, she is not your cleaner to sack, is she?

I think your overreacting, your dad had already commented it was a lot so offered it to her, it’s his house and the chocolate was given to him so surely it’s up to him what he does with it.

you’re massively overreacting over chocolate. It’s not like he’s given her money!!!

I don't think she's done anything wrong, as you seem to have acknowledged in your reply.

The chocolates are a non event. For whatever reason your dad wanted to give them to her, it really doesn't matter.

But I agree with PP this job could put her at risk of being seen as 'taking advantage' if your dad tries to keep giving her things. It is also quite common for people with dementia to accuse relatives or carers (or cleaners) of stealing things which they have actually just lost, so she is in a vulnerable position.

It would be helpful if you kept in touch with her more regularly so that you know her better, and she feels able to tell you what is going on. But it sounds as if the time is coming when he will need an actual carer who understands the issues, rather than a cleaner who can't be expected to.

He didn’t want it and he gave it to her. Maybe he knew he wouldn’t eat it, or that he would eat it and he’d get fat and unhealthy, so he decided he’d rather not have it in the house.

I thought you were going to say she stole it at first! Maybe calm down a bit and stop overreacting 😅

People with dementia can start accusing perfectly innocent people of nicking things, so it's about protecting the cleaner too.

Ignore all of the faux outrage/confusion comments you’ll get. They’re unhelpful.

A cleaner that accepts things from a nearly 90 year old client with dementia isn’t great so I can see why your husband isn’t thrilled about it. At the same time, chocolate isn’t a big deal and she might have just figured that if he didn’t want to eat it all that there was no harm in taking it.

It comes down to whether or not you think he’s likely to start trying to give her other, more sentimental and valuable things and whether or not you think she’d accept them. If you feel that there’s the slightest chance that she’d accept something that he gave her that, say, belonged to your mother then I’d absolutely let her go. It has happened in our family and I simply wouldn’t risk it as you won’t get the items back. If you think she’s trustworthy and wouldn’t do that then I’d keep her on but also keep an eye out.

Poor cleaner

Maybe you think he is trying to woo her, then marry her, and BANG, there goes your inheritance 😊

I wouldn't worry about the chocolate. Old people often give gifts.
I would however, safeguard the cleaner against any future accusations of stealing as people with Alzheimers can get very confused about money. Asking your dad to hand over cash could go badly wrong. I would explain to the cleaner that you will pay her directly from your dad's account using POA (you do have POA right?)and make it clear you watch his accounts.
Also put in a Ring doorbell which you can watch, if you haven't already.