Concerned about Dad's cleaner, am I overreacting

You need to tell her the ground rules, no accepting gifts or money (other than payment for cleaning).

I think you're over thinking things. My mother is 88 and regularly gives things away mainly to neighbours. It's usually when she feels overwhelmed with things. For instance if I take her alot of food or snacks at the same time it's as if she panics thinking she's got to eat it all. Probably similar to your Dad saying there was alot of chocolate. She once had a meltdown over a big bunch of bananas and gave them to the next door neighbour. I don't think it's right to blame the cleaner.

I bought my Dad a cutlery set (which he gave to his cleaner) a set of mugs ( he gave them to his cleaner) and wine which were all given to his cleaner. I never blamed her. She was the loveliest person- I give my cleaner things often too. It’s up to your Dad, my Dad and me what we do with our things and who we give them to. Probably just a sign not to buy him chocolate next time. Nothing suspicious though and it’s only £30 - not thousands

You've really overreacted. It was chocolate. It's not uncommon to share chocolates, I work in social care and I wouldn't accept any offers of money or valuables but food, especially sharing it whilst in the home, is fine.

She's done nothing wrong ,you and your husband need to get a grip .

She was being kind to him by accepting a gift and did the right thing imo. Sounds like she wont do it again.

Yes, I read the OP, thanks.
It’s a box of chocolates.
A cleaner who is pleasant, has a decent enough reputation, and who the Op’s father is fond of will be driven away by such accusatory behaviour.

My fathers tastes have changed with his dementia. As has his appetite although i think thats related to his regular infections.

If he gave it to her - its only chocolate.

I know you told him he had plenty of time to eat it but he is unlikely to have the same grasp of time as you do, or he may have even forgotton the conversation. You have to cut them both a bit of slack.

Just ask the cleaner to advise you in future if he gives unusual things away - like.chocolates without the box!

Be aware at some point he may well accuse her (or you..) of stealing something. You will need to maintain composure to be able to explore whats gone on. Indeed he could be manipulated. Equally you cannot take what a dementia sufferer says at face value. Its a crazed path you are negotiating.

When my father lived with us he was forever accusing us of stealing stuff he had lost. Luckily he only had his room and it never took us long to go up and find it. Even now, in his care home, he constantly thinks his money has gone even though we repeat that he has plenty and its kept in the office with everyone elses for safety.....two minutes later we get the same conversation!

He has Alzheimers, he may not have full capacity. He could easily be manipulated by someone unscrupulous.

There’s nothing to overreact about. You sound bonkers.

I totally agree with this. Tell her it's ok this time but she MUST tell you if he ever tries to give her anything else.

I can’t believe you are making a fuss over some chocolates! Your dad likes this woman, says he gave her the chocolates- it’s none of your business!

Is it possible to approach the cleaner who retired and see if she would be interested in being paid to pop in and visit him once or twice a week?

I’m a cleaner - and I’m afraid I agree. I never get ‘let go’ but I do bow out, when I’m unnecessarily micromanaged or made to feel ‘less’. I would absolutely consider this (someone jumping to think the worst of my intentions) the ‘death knoll’.

He gave her some chocolate I can’t believe you actually messaged her about it. It was his to give away and it’s hardly family jewels!

@Wayoutwestie so why did you message her when your dad told you he had given them away? What were you expecting her to say or do?

I totally understand that you are feeling very protective of your dad, but he had already told you there were too many chocolates.

However nicely you spoke to her, I imagine that she won't be back. She's going to feel very insecure, knowing that anything that disappears/is mislaid will result in her being suspected of taking it.

Being in a house alone with someone with dementia is quite risky in that regard.

Cannot believe you messaged her. I would be gone had I received a message like that. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour.

To be honest I would lose them as clients as well, I would be nervous of even having a hot drink and 5 minutes sat down chatting to him when I had finished cleaning after I had received a text like that.

Me too- I would be surprised if the cleaner stays OP. Noone likes to be questioned or monitored as if they're a criminal. One low paid cleaning job is simply not worth the stress when you can get other clients

I don't get it. You said that your dad and the cleaning lady get on and your dad said himself that he had given the chocolates away and you still quizzed her about it? You'd be lucky if she continues to keep your family as a client.

Perhaps challenge your own thoughts around what you expect the 'help' to be on a few quid a week and also your suspicious ideas.

To be honest I would lose them as clients as well, I would be nervous of even having a hot drink and 5 minutes sat down chatting to him when I had finished cleaning after I had received a text like that. I would be beyond hurt. OP makes it sounds all light and breezy in her responses but she obviously thought taking some chocolate off your boss who offered it is wrong! Checking his recycling and asking if he had finished his chocolates - very strange. Also, I get the feeling the Dad knew they would have a problem with it and that’s why he lied. Imagine making it to 89 and not being able to give your cleaner (who I bet he sees more often than his family) a bit of chocolate and your children texting someone you’ve grown to care for to ask them about it. How depressing.

I was thinking of being a Caring Companion and helping people go shopping etc. These posts really put me off.

Poor cleaner. She didn’t steal the crocs. She was given them.

They sound too much for him

£30 on chocs is a lot

It’s perfectly normal to give someone that works for you little gifts or even tips now and again (especially in primarily low paid roles) my Nan gave her cleaners son a tenner when he came with his Dad to work in the school holidays. She’s 5 years older than your Dad but perfectly capable of making her own decisions and to be honest she would be furious if anyone intervened. I assume your Dad also is also capable of making his own decisions otherwise he wouldn’t be living alone. He obviously likes her, I feel very sorry for her actually being questioned about accepting a gift of chocolate. Especially as it was taken out of the box? It’s hardly the gift if the century. She probably didn’t even want it but felt obliged to take it. If you are this nervous of people’s intentions then you will have to visits daily to keep a closer eye on his possessions or have him live with you. What is your husband thinking saying sack her? Goodness me what a palaver over a bit of chocolate.

He gave her some chocolate that was too much for him, not gifts of money and jewellery?

It seems totally reasonable to me for a cleaner to accept some chocolates.