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Elderly parents
Original poster

Complicated feelings towards Mum

35 replies

chickensaresafehere · 18/01/2026 08:00

I suppose this is the norm for a lot of women in their 50's - distant mother,her & my dad were a tightly bonded unit,had a child (just me,no siblings) as it was what you did. No real affection,more (attempted) from dad but dominant mum curtailed it. I was fed,clothed,roof over my head but so very lonely as a child. Later on mum decided she wanted to run pubs,I was a teenager & put in some dodgy situations due to her lack of parenting. Sent to a private,all girls school & made to feel grateful for it,but was bullied all the way through,didn't share this with anyone. Moved out when I was 16,but all my relationships with men were abusive but I stayed in them. She seemed kinder & closer to me when I had my own children,wanted to be involved in my life etc.
Dad died (dementia) 9 yrs ago & she became more dependant on me. 3 yrs ago I realised I need counselling for all this,it was incredibly helpful & insightful. Now she is in a care home,no dementia or major care needs,just happy to be looked after.
I struggle every week going to visit her,lots of feelings - guilt,resentment. Part of me says 'get over it',treat her with respect,it wasn't that bad. While other part of me wishes I didn't have to visit.
Anybody in the same situation & could offer advice?

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 18/01/2026 15:32

She’s in a care home getting all her needs met. You don’t have to visit at all op, or at least go a lot less often. Who cares about other people’s views? I admit I don’t get it. The woman wasn’t nice to you when you needed her and were a child - why you visit her weekly is beyond me. Just don’t. The home won’t care. People who know you and understand won’t care. Just stop.

OhDear111 · 18/01/2026 15:20

I think it really depends if others are visiting, or not. If friends don’t bother, you are on your own and guilt sets in. My DM was in a home for 6 months and one of my siblings didn’t even turn up for her 100 th birthday. So yes, we did judge! No one was judging me if I didn’t visit for a week but I felt visiting wasn’t about just me. I talked to staff, checked out all was ok, met other residents and stayed to lunch occasionally. I wanted it to be a success as far as it could be. It was much easier than the longer journeys to DMs home.

You do have to let the past go because you cannot change it. You can learn from it and be a better person yourself.

Lastknownaddress · 18/01/2026 14:06

Out of interest who will comment if you don't visit?

I am taking a break from visits for a few months and don't intend to feel guilty about it. The care home know, they know where I am if they need anything and I will continue to call fortnightly for an update.

I haven't lived with M since I was 18, she is well used to not having me at beck and call, so I am not totally sure why I have been busting a gut to visit when she doesn't reallg appreciate it and has a better social life now than she has had for a while.

If you need a break, you need a break. The care home won't judge. And neither will the people who matter.

Original poster
chickensaresafehere · 18/01/2026 08:48

I will continue to visit,I couldn't deal with the guilt & comments from others if I didn't. But it's the weird 'dread' I feel on the morning of the day I'm going to visit. I struggle with those feelings too.
Maybe revisiting counselling would help.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickensaresafehere · 18/01/2026 08:43

Thanks @Egglio😊

OP posts:
Original poster
chickensaresafehere · 18/01/2026 08:41

Care home is local to me & I visit once,sometimes twice a week,for an hour. So,I agree,not long. My dd,who has a disability,has recently gone to residential college,so after years of caring, I've finally got some time to myself. Just wanted to hear others coping strategies,who are in a similar situation. I do continue to visit out of guilt.
And thanks to the reply 'just power on through,it was like that for most of us' 🙄

OP posts:
OhDear111 · 18/01/2026 08:27

I would struggle to know many who had every possible support and love from their parents in the 60s and 70s. Both DH and me had a roof over our heads but nothing emotionally. Millions of parents were like this. You just have to power through because it’s not worth harbouring resentment.

Egglio · 18/01/2026 08:22

I understand the complicated feelings, it is very hard to care for someone that didn't care for you when you were in a vulnerable stage of life. There is no yardstick of 'it wasn't that bad', it clearly had an impact on you and you don't need to dismiss yourself or your feelings in that way. I'm not surprised you feel resentful. Also, the whole thing of how much nicer and closer she was when you had your own children can sting under the surface, because perhaps it highlights feelings around why you weren't good enough to receive this when you were a child.

You don't have to visit her at all if you don't want to. Nothing will happen if you don't. Or you do a middle ground of fortnightly, or only when you feel able. Or you can shorten the visits. You're not a bad person for feeling this way.

EmotionalBlackmail · 18/01/2026 08:22

This sounds very familiar, although I’m not an only child, younger than you and my “D”M is still living independently, whilst driving me mad with her expectations. She wants to move to a care home near where I live, I am very much against this, having not lived in the same city as her for over twenty years.

Ultimately, you don’t have to visit at all. Are you visiting from obligation, guilt, appearance to other people? Could you return to the counselling you’ve done already?

What’s the bigger picture? How much of your life do the visits take up? If the care home is in the next road and you’re retired with no other caring responsibilities, then spending a couple of hours a week doesn’t seem too bad. Unless you feel it’s leaching your soul out!
But if you’re working full time, still got children at home and the care home is more distant, then two hours a week would be totally unrealistic.

MayBeee · 18/01/2026 08:08

Is the care home close to you ( in the same town ? ) because if it is I think I would still go if it's just weekly.
How long do you stay ? Perhaps you could start to shorten the time you spend there or maybe take along a small craft to do it look through a magazine together or even read a newspaper etc .
If it's a struggle to get to , you could white lie and say you don't always have access to transport and can only come fortnightly .