Complicated feelings towards Mum

I feel the same dread about visiting my mum now that my DF is gone (he died 7 months ago). I always told myself that one he was no longer here, I would reduce my communication and visits drastically but she now has quite significant cognitive decline and needs a lot of support. Unfortunately I live abroad (a 2-hour flight away) and I HATE flying. The anxiety I feel about my visits is insane. She is now more unpleasant to me than ever, including suspicious and accuses me of stealing from her and all sorts. It’s very re-traumatising. I am not sure what to do. My advice to you would be to protect yourself. Can you refuse your visits to every other week? Mel Brown and her ‘let them’ theory might be helpful if others try to make you feel guilty. Let them think what they think, that’s up to them.

Hello OP and @CatLady476 i think your comments have captured what I am struggling with.

Thank you for all who have shared their experiences it has been helpful to read them, while trying to get some clarity on my own thoughts and feelings.

1. I was fed etc mostly ok and appreciate my Mom struggled with working hard and financial stress as a single parent

2. I never felt v close in a warm way. No hugs or chats or advice so in some ways typical of a latch key kid - just left to get on with things.

3. I was aware of her shortcomings as a teenager in how she managed her money and domestic routines

4. Conflict- on the one hand she was kind and generous creative but explosive on the other and often nasty comments - which sometimes I’ve said to others an they’ve said oh everyone’s Mom said that back then - not with the nastiness I bet

5. I have now been able to recognise certain things as emotionally abusive - things said to me in adulthood- past the era of latch key parenting

6. Now in her 70s she can be wholly insensitive but she has mellowed loads and is a shrunken version of herself - quite the nice old lady, known for being kind and quietly spoken!

I am conflicted and a recent event stirred a lot of stuff up I’d forgotten about and I am full of anger an resentment but also guilt

For years I’ve struggled with barely visiting - I live a good distance away but even still…the guilt is there

I found that once I knew and understood more about my DF's upbringing...well, his behaviour didn't change, he still drove me round the bend quite often, but I could understand and deal with it a little better.

Sad to see posts promoting FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.
This has been conditioned in by the very said parent/s.
Go to/ back to counselling, and work through FOG.
Why would anyone put them through a visit after such ‘abuse’.

If you like podcasts, This Jungian Life just did one on this exact and I mean exact topic recently... it was very insightful and one point they made was that you need to think also about how you will feel about the relationship in 20 years when they are no longer here, and that's what you need to make peace with.

My Mum was very much like yours. We always had clean clothes, well cooked meals etc but no real love. I was always made to feel second best after my brother and my mum could be very critical. I have two daughters and love them both I would never say some of the things my mom said to me to them!

I went just once a week to visit my mum in her care home. I took photos of the grandchildren with her and watched tv with her. It turned out to be just three years and she could still be critical. Yes she could still be critical and moaned once that I only came once a week and my brother went more.
i didn’t care - i worked had a family and I did my best. I came away feeling the better person and incredibly proud of myself. For the last 6 months my mum mainly slept because of dementia so I just sat there.
i can guarantee you will feel proud of yourself honestly too really will so my advice is to just keep at it x

I feel quite similar. My mum was lovely when I was a younger child (or perhaps I didn’t know any better), but distant and could be horrible when I was a teen. Very set ideas on things, very very critical and negative. She was better when I had little children -great with them in fact, but the same pattern has continued with them-and what I tolerated for me I will not tolerate for them.
My Dad died 7 months ago and he was so lovely. He had acted as a buffer between my mum and everyone else. And now that’s gone the relationship with mum is very difficult. My sister no longer speaks to her at all (which is over harsh in my view) and my brother lives abroad so no help. She has aged dramatically since Dad died, and is lonely im sure, though she keeps herself busy with friends etc. She is starting to need more help however and it will be me that needs to give it. She lives an hour and a quarter away and I haven’t been to see her for a while which I feel immensely bad about but I also just don’t want to be around her at present as I can’t stand the Barage of criticism that comes with it.
She has never done anything truly awful although there were a few incidents that have left a lasting mark on me (in which I also accept that I was at fault but as a teenager I didn’t know much better). But that just makes me feel worse as I can’t justify not wanting to do the looking after that will be needed going forwards as a result.

Hi OP, your comment that it wasn't that bad really jumped out to me. I wonder if what you are describing is a lack of emotional bonding, attunement, recognition, validation, that kind of thing? If so, then you may wish to explore emotional neglect with your counsellor. It is very common for people who have experienced this to say "It wasn't that bad" because it's about what didn't happen, rather than what did. There may be millions of us, but it's still not ok because humans learn who they are through that emotional bonding. If it's not there, that registers as unsafe for a young child because they can't be sure that the grown ups in their lives would not abandon them. No wonder you feel weird and uncomfortable visiting your parent in those circumstances - you are being called on to "perform" a relationship that isn't there. Whatever you decide to do practically, that's my only advice. Realise that it was that bad for you so of course you feel this way now. It's completely understandable and may be your (wise, loving) body's way of protecting you from further hurt.

Big hug OP. I don't think this is the norm, and I think part of coming to terms with it is understanding how normal or not normal it was. I am pretty sure there were always mothers who dote on their kids, mothers who are very cool towards them. There isn't really a norm for private behaviour. There are hopelessly disorganised mothers who communicate warmth too - it's a complicated job being a mother. For some mothers, providing a roof and food was their expression of love, and you can return the love y making sure her physical needs are met. That's quite an achievement in itself.

100% this!

Excellent point. Let go gradually. Keep the connection alive, but no need to do it as often as you are. You know she’s cared for and safe, which is the main thing. Just dial it back. I can’t tell you how liberating it is once you’ve made peace with yourself over it.

I think you can meet yourself in the middle here and cut back a lot more and more while still being involved.

I won’t in any way be involved in my parent’s upcoming care needs.

They have what I call inevitably harmful personalities and inevitably I experienced deep harm from them.

But going NC has been a huge emotional burden for me so it is not one I personally would recommend as a means to deal with the guilt you are feeling by cutting back contact.

Instead I would get a bit of support with learning to detach more emotionally from your mother, in other words to have a relationship that matches her relationship capacity not your relationship capacity.

As a weekly (max) visitor to a lovely mother, I think you are doing a hell of a lot. You’re a good daughter.

Taking one week off a month might help?

Was she ever part of a church? Would a minister or member of a church drop in?

And I agree about taking something to do - ‘company work’ as it used to be called. Knitting? Cross stitch? Crossword? Would she attempt it with you?

I understand and feel the same. A mix of guilt and resentment and annoyingly, underneath, still that desire that she will approve and love me. For the people saying “your better than that, everyone our era was treated the same, power through”, you do you. Some of us have reacted differently. It has had a major influence on me and my relationships and has affected my whole life because of the core belief that I am unworthy of love. Yes I’ve had counselling, but it’s still there because it’s part of me so you don’t get to tell OP to just buckle up and get on with it or she’s a bad person. That’s just reiterating the message her mum sent. OP you don’t HAVE to do anything but I understand that inbuilt guilt if you don’t. Could you make it less rigid and go when you truly don’t mind so much, so not putting yourself under pressure to go every Wednesday and plan a treat just for yourself after you’ve gone so there’s something to look forward to afterwards?

@chickensaresafehere well done for going for the counselling. The reality is it was that bad. It wasn't enough. You are well within your rights to significantly reduce visits or to not visit at all.

@CleanSkin I’m not entirely sure it was Dr Spock but babies were brought up in a more rigid way - I was put outside in my pram to sleep - in the snow! There are pictures. Both DH and me think our parents were “hands off” and certainly no cuddles. We became very independent as a result but I don’t believe we can harshly judge the past by modern standards. We have a different approach and so do most people.

I agree about the war making life difficult and this was always used to tell us we were too demanding - you would never have survived the war on rations was said over and over. I still know I didn’t want much and certainly didn’t get much. They had to make the best of it in the war, and we do now, but I do think we evaluate what we do in more depth.

I too have complicated feelings. I find it helps to understand their backgrounds.
In my case there was poverty, ill health and war.
I think a lot of people from that era had to distance themselves from strong feelings or they would have been overwhelmed.

That’s a really interesting observation, @OhDear111
Sad too, obviously. I was one of those millions.
Reading your post has made me think; I wonder if it was related to the Dr Spock style? And did any of those parents think it was harsh being so emotionally absent - or indeed easier than the alternatives?
You’ve made me look at my own situation less selfishly so thank you.

If that's what works for you, ok. For others, peace might look different.

@thedevilinablackdress You do because if you get mean and twisted you are not being the best person you can be. You certainly won’t be happy. I don’t care too much about others but I respect myself and I’m better than that - I don’t want to be a person harbouring grudges and always looking back. I’m successfully my own person, not an image of my parents and that means overcoming difficulties and not being shackled by them. I’ve powered through!

Twice a week sounds far too much, especially after what sounds like years of caring.

You could do the same as she did for you - there’s a roof over her head, you can make sure she has snacks, toiletries, replacement clothes as needed and that the bills are paid.

You don't have to "power through". Why would anyone have to do that? Guilt? Fear of what other people think? "It's just what your do"? Not good reasons for doing anything.

Op not easy. Im glad when my saturday visits done so I feel like you. You cant change it but my boundaries good now. What age is she. Mine is 80s. Its difficult isnt it

Stretch the weekly visit to 10 days instead ,an extra 3 days may make you feel better able to cope with visiting her and make the visit a bit shorter too.
It's not really anybody's business how many times you visit ,she's being cared for and entertained whether you go or not.
I'm quite sure the carers in care homes or visiting carers soon suss out the kind of 'personality' they are dealing with and probably have empathy for their relatives in lots of cases.

I feel the same as you OP. Truth is, I don't really want to contact / see my parents because some of what they did is unforgivable. They live independently still, but I put off phoning them, and would not choose to spend time with them 'for fun'. I take my mother for tea at a garden centre every now and then, but that's much as I can manage.

Just do once a week if you can. Or 3 weeks out of 4. You don't 'owe' her.