AIBU To think carers should get the person dressed in the morning

When i worked in care many years ago, I got extremely good at cajoling and joking and getting people washed and dressed, because our matron would have our guts for garters if we didn't. I took a break from care and when I went back, the training was all about a client/patient's right to choose. We were literally expected to ask them if they wanted to wash and get dressed, and if they said no, that was meant to be that.
What it meant was, the old school carers would jolly them on and get the job done. "Come on darling, I know you worked on a farm but you don't want to smell like a farmyard now, do you? That's it, up and over, quick wash, nice clean jumper, don't you look lovely, would you like a little spray of perfume?"
^^that's now considered patronising, coercive, not person centred etc
So the less experienced but better trained staff would leave them sitting in their own wee. And then the powers that be would be after us because of the potential for bedsores.
That's probably why it's happening @notgivinga The carers can genuine say they asked and the client said no, and as long as it's written in the notes, apparently it's fine.
This is why family end up doing it, because they don't have to abide by those rules.
Ed for typo

I would think that most carers going in would be asking her what she wants to wear.
Are they getting her washed and into clean pyjamas, but you'd rather she have day clothes, or are you saying she is in the same nightwear as at night?

If you make sure she has easy to wear clothes available and write a note for the carers, then hopefully they will try.
If she doesn't want them to change her though then they aren't going to force her. Family members are probably able to be more insistent than a care worker.
We aren't prison officers. Consent is everything.
Check in her care notes if she is refusing.

If she's clean and otherwise taken care of, then I don't see the problem.

If I was elderly and sitting around all day, then I'd prefer to do it in my comfy pyjamas. I definitely wouldn't appreciate being forced to get dressed.

@notgivinga maybe she won't let them dress her?? Whereas its her son and hes family ao could be why she lets him? Also some people can be very stubborn with carer's.

This is something you need to speak with the service management providing the care. Who knows in this situation whether the carers are just shirking, or whether your mil is refusing to be dressed. Either way, it’s something that can be sorted once you know the reason behind it.

Does it matter if she's in pajamas? Who does it make feel better if she wears other clothes?

What does your husband think about her in pyjamas all day?

I don't really understand why you can't get involved just because it is your MIL and not your DM? Don't your DH and you discuss it and have a common approach? You obviously care about her and are family too.

PS The not getting dressed would bother me too.

I’m a Nurse in a nursing home and there is no way you can force someone to get changed if they don’t want to , it’s called individual choice and forcing someone to get dressed in abuse . You can suggest they may like to get changed but if the answer is no it is no . I just document if someone refused to get changed. Sometimes a family member has more luck. As long as the person is clean and suitable clothing for the weather on is as much as you can do

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCrossWhat a lovely post completely misses the point of the thread

Absolutely they cannot “make her”. Just think how making someone get dressed would look. It would involve putting hands on a person against their will if they are refusing to get dressed and forcing them. Something like that has to be discussed at senior level and appropriately care planned. It can be incredibly distressing for a person to be forced to get dressed and could also physically hurt them if they were resisting. Unless she is at risk from not getting dressed i.e she is sat in wet/rotten clothing that is causing her a hazard then there is little justification to enforce getting dressed.

Long as shes clean i dont see the problem they cannot force her it goes against a lot of things. She’s most likely refusing or telling them no thank you. In another sense pajamas are more comfortable than clothes so maybe another reason?

I was a home carer for 15 years. You can prompt people, try to persuade them, but can't force them to do anything.
If somekne wishes to stay in pyjamas all day that is their choice

Most likely because she's his mum and he insists and she relents.

Carers will ask, hear no and won't push it.

Is she clean and getting medical care she needs? If so I wouldn’t push the getting dressed into day clothes side too much.

Yes but carers can’t make them get dressed and won’t force it. We argue with dsds carers on several aspects of “she refuses” and tell them to make her but apparently they can’t

When my mums carers came it was end of life care we were always there as mum was at home they were down for 45 minutes in the morning and were out in 15 and 30 minutes other times of the day at out in 10 they were horrible didn’t wear apron’s on their phone wile changing her it was a nightmare .. I complained got new carers but still awful.. was a terrible experience

Does she have a care plan? It's quite common with dementia patients to have difficulty in getting them to consent to being washed and dressed, carers have to ask them and they can refuse. So I would check with carers what is happening here. I have a friend who's mum had dementia and refused showers and hair washing by carers. My friend used to go every weekend and basically had to force her mum to wash hair and shower. It was very stressful and sad 😔

Are they paid carers or provided through the council? I’m only asking because council carers tend to be hard pressed for time, and might not be able to spend 45 minutes cajoling her in the morning. Do they do a good job in other respects?

Is it in her care plan?
Talk to your MiL. And then ask her permission to talk to the agency. My MiL always refused to take her medication in the morning. The care workers couldn't do anything about it.

I’d talk to the carer and find out if she’s actually just refusing. When aI worked in a home some carers were much better than others at jollying residents along. It sounds disrespectful but asking the type of questions you might of a toddler to avoid a hard no. Not do you want to get dressed but it’s time to get dressed do you want the red top or the green?

But OP says they are full time during the week. So yes, they should be helping her dress in warm, comfortable clothes.

OP how is her hygiene? Is her hair clean? Her nails trimmed, and if she likes this, polished?

There should be a care plan; they have very little time so maybe they focus on getting her to the bathroom and give her breakfast and medication? I’d ask for a review and feedback on what happens during the visits.