AIBU To think carers should get the person dressed in the morning

It depends on her care plan. If she's been assessed and it's decided that she is capable of getting dressed herself then they wouldn't necessarily be expected to do that.
For example when I was a carer some people had 1 hr help in the morning and care plan would include washing dressing cooking cleaning etc. Others would be 15 mins and would be just cooking, seeing how they are. Some 30 mins, washing and dressing or whatever individual needs they had.
Even then, some would refuse and they can't be made to. We would always have to document that though and explain that we attempted to dress but refused.
Have a look at her care plan and that'll tell you.

sorry referring to another poster and now I cant find it ..

This 100%

My mum is not mobile and has to be transferred by hoist from bed to wheelchair then her adapted chair in living room, she also has advanced dementia. She has carers 3 times a day. She has a shower 4 times a week, a change of pj’s every morning, except twice a week where she attends a day care facility, then she is fully dressed.

My mum has no atonomy any more for her own decisions but this seems reasonable to me, why have her fully dressed and potentially uncomfortable in her own home? My mum always loved lounge days in her pj’s and always hated wearing a bra. She would probably now quite happily go off to her day care centre in her PJ’s, but we know, as her loved ones, that pre dementia she would shudder at the thought so on those days she’s hair washed and blow dried, bra on, nice clothes on and nails and lippy done.

So long is the person is clean and comfortable that’s all that should matter.

There should be a care plan plus a book where the carers sign in and leave notes. If the cared for person is refusing, then that should be noted in the book.

Could your H have a word with his mother and tell her she is to let the carers wash and dress her?

Of course YANBU. If she’s not bedridden she should be dressed.

Could you find out if she’s getting washed and changed into fresh clothes every morning?

They ar over 18. If they still have mental capacity you can't force them to dress or even DD power or wash. Carers can offer and your MiL can allow them to help her dress or refuse.

Perhaps her care plan needs reviewing for time and duration of visit and requirements. Are they washing her, changing her pjs? Agree it is better to help her distinguish day and night.

Unless you're paying a private carer, lovell my things like painting nails will never happen, and cutting nails is not allowed unless you're qualified. The ideals you dream of are not the reality, there are a lot of rules and policies to protect everybody which seem silly

I think this is a bit of a difficult one. Yes in an ideal world she would be up and dressed but generally I think carers are on a time squeeze, and can’t be late to their next job, so maybe don’t have the time to chivvy an unwilling lady when their priority is feeding her or giving her medication.

I go into people's homes, I will ask a maximum of 3 times. If you have a relationship with the person, it is easier to 'cajole' but often it's different people going in, continuity of care is a real problem. You cannot march into someone's house and demand they get dressed. If a person has mental capacity, they have a right to make a bad decision. Families may not like it, but it is the law. I suspect in care homes there is better continuity of staff, but also it is more of an expectation, which is wrong, and not something I'd be proud of.

No however if she is not washing the care team for their own safeguarding should notify the family.

Do you think they should force her if she says no? Don't be ridiculous.

But the question is should that override her actual wishes? If her last bit out autonomy is saying I am clean but I want to wear ‘night clothes’ should that really be overridden?

It’s not unreasonable at all to let them know that you have an expectation as a family that she is washed and dressed in day clothes- also let them know that she does get dressed when they are not there, and that for her dignity, despite her not being aware of the situation at all, that you know she would prefer it if she was aware. It’s not you criticising the care, it’s purely giving a preference you know she would have.

Who is paying for them to be there all day?

This.
also carers will take the first “ no thanks “ as “ client chose to stay in pjs “

whereas me as relative would persist and persuade knowing in 30 mins she’d look and think “ am I up or am I going to bed “ etc. she might respond to “ this pink top or the purple “ rather then “ get dressed “ . The same “ choices “ we give 3 yr olds to work the way round to what us needed

@rookiemere don’t feel bad. Your mother is clean, comfortable and being cared for with respect. You’re doing a great job.

DM has steadfastly refused to wear anything except nighties and a cardigan since her fall in April. She has carers in 4 times a day and the nighties are frequently washed and changed. The only social visitors she receives are us really, although nowadays between her and DF we probably fall more into the category of unpaid administrators.

I feel bad now as I have never concerned myself with it provided what she has on is clean. She is primarily bed bound these days so night clothes will be more comfortable for her. I would much prefer it if she was in a care home but I can’t force her to go.

People seem to forget that cared for people are still humans. I wonder how they would feel to be forced into dressing and undressing by a carer?

If they're there all day, it's almost certain that she's refusing to let them dress her.

But it's definitely worth one of you having a conversation with the carer company, to see if they can find strategies to encourage her to let them dress her. Apart from anything else, there's a hygiene issue if she's not taking those pyjamas off from Monday to Friday

Sadly my FIL was like this - refusing to be washed. There's not much they can do in this situation and often they have such a short window of time.

I think as long as she's happy, clean, warm and comfortable then that's all that matters .If they're leaving her in smelly PJ's all day every day that's different altogether. I would worry about her being warm enough, Can you get her some new lounge wear that has the same feel and level of comfort as PJ's but would be warmer for her to wear ?

Carer: shall i get u dressed Jane?
Jane: no leave it.
Some carers may be more experienced at getting someone to do something.
As for the fact that your husband manages to do this but thr carers don't may be because mum is happy for him to do so.