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Elderly parents
Original poster

Feel like I'm going to have to wait for mum to die so I can live

108 replies

Paperwhite209 · 11/01/2026 15:52

Just that.

We lost my dad coming up five years ago, I was on here back then. I took time out to care for him and mum afterwards (also because I was pretty broken with stress etc.)

Have been back working out of the home for 2.5 years now. Stepped up at work last year (in responsibility, not pay) - since then pressure on the area I work in has increased by about 30% and whilst I was a full time assistant to my predecessor, my assistant splits their time between me and another department so it's incredibly stressful and difficult to keep up. I also work a second job (same employer) so do at least one 13 hour day a week; no back up domestically or supporting mum, and studying with the OU for the last 18 months to try and get a better paid job so I just have to do the one.

I have been unwell on and off for the last 4-5 months with an endless stream of viruses, my mental health is crap - I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and feel guilty, hopeless and complete failure all the time.

The light at the end of the tunnel was my plan to relocate and downsize. I would half my mortgage, be debt free and be able to work a normal job and have the time and energy for hobbies and a social life. I've had to pull out of an evening course and a weight management programme recently and am on the verge of parking my studies as with being ill I just haven't been able to keep up. I hate leaving the house when I'm not working and have no energy for anything other than TV and doomscrolling when I'm at home.

However, this move would be 200 miles from my mum. She is 86, has several health niggles but is physically and mentally able to look after herself. Emotionally however she is very needy and not above manipulation, emotional and financial blackmail/control tactics. I've suggested she moves with me (to her own place/assisted living) but she won't for the sake of the two close friends and 'fancy man' she has here.

Now I'm starting to get the ball rolling with plans to move she has ramped up the emotional blackmail and is already making my life hell. I know it will get worse if I go - there will be dramas every five minutes the necessitate me hooning up and down the motorway.

I could downsize where we live currently but it's about so much more than that. I'm 50, I want a totally different lifestyle. My home town has changed over the years in ways I don't like and although I've lived here since childhood I've never really felt that I fit.

I don't want to wait anymore. Every summer for the last several years I've come back from visiting the place I want to move to and though 'maybe by next spring I won't have to factor mum into the decision' but every year we're in the same boat. I do love her and there is good in our relationship but I am exhausted and burnt out and I just want to move forward and make a better life for myself.

I was in tears down the phone to her this morning about how exhausted and unwell I feel, and all I got was a lecture about how everything might go horribly wrong if I move and a threat of being cut out of my remaining inheritance (she's already changed her will to reduce my share to 50% which is one of the reasons I want to move - I need to safeguard my financial future as best I can as I don't have a pension).

I don't know what I want from this massive rant - I've been in tears all day, feeling totally trapped and like I may as well give up any hope of living life for myself - if it wasn't for my daughter, I'm not sure I'd even want to keep trying at the moment,

OP posts:
EleventyThree · 11/01/2026 16:19

I'm so sorry you're finding yourself in this draining situation, OP.

It can be so easy for parents to have an emotional hold over us. But please keep in mind that her problems are not your problems. You do not have a responsibility to help her solve them, especially at her beck and call. Extricate yourself from the drama. You can listen to her complaints and issues (preferably via phone) and empathise but don't offer solutions or get yourself involved. Responding with a "Oh that sounds hard - what will you do about it?" is perfectly ok.

oocooloo · 11/01/2026 16:15

She has friends and a "fancy man". She is doing better at social connections than many 86yr olds (and younger folk too!) isn't she?

In my case I had to distance myself too. I blocked her on calls and whatsapp and just left email messages open. I had a hotline to her friend, and to her neighbour next door. I only got involved when one of them indicated a REAL crisis. Carers were involved to look after her. I won't go into the details, I'm sure you are very familiar with them, but slowly I cut the strings and while I loved her I didn't LIKE her very much.

Follow your dream. Do not feel guilty although I know that's not easy. Ask yourself what's the thing you will regret most on your deathbed? I doubt it will be that you should have stayed near Mum and devoted the best years of your life to her. Think about it.

Dibble135 · 11/01/2026 16:15

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 11/01/2026 16:04

I’m so sorry. I understand how you feel. I have similar. I can’t retire because the moment I do elderly relatives will assume I am now available to them. I can’t move any nearer because they will assume I am available to them. Where I live, I can’t move any only help from a distance which naturally limits their expectations. However there are many phone calls, lots of stress! And lots of distance wrangling with things that could have been done so much more easily.

DH is depressed because he feels it’s just constant worry and negativity.

So I do understand how you feel.

As for advice, well… I’d suggest making a specific plan with her, for example ‘I’ll come for a long weekend every month’. Or ‘You come here every other month and I’ll visit every other month.’

Also I find a lot of talk about the problems I am facing helps limit the demands from her, so regularly mentioning the cost of living, struggling to pay bills etc. Too tired to manage the house.

Someone will be along in a minute to say what a privilege it is to look after our elders who have selflessly cared for us…. Well no, not necessarily! Some of our elders really don’t deserve the kind of care and attention they want.

💐

Sorry if someone has said this but have considered retiring and not tell your relatives?

HappyNewTaxYear · 11/01/2026 16:06

She sounds like a piece of work! How unfair and unpleasant she is to her daughter. Where is the other 50% of the inheritance going to now?

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 11/01/2026 16:04

I’m so sorry. I understand how you feel. I have similar. I can’t retire because the moment I do elderly relatives will assume I am now available to them. I can’t move any nearer because they will assume I am available to them. Where I live, I can’t move any only help from a distance which naturally limits their expectations. However there are many phone calls, lots of stress! And lots of distance wrangling with things that could have been done so much more easily.

DH is depressed because he feels it’s just constant worry and negativity.

So I do understand how you feel.

As for advice, well… I’d suggest making a specific plan with her, for example ‘I’ll come for a long weekend every month’. Or ‘You come here every other month and I’ll visit every other month.’

Also I find a lot of talk about the problems I am facing helps limit the demands from her, so regularly mentioning the cost of living, struggling to pay bills etc. Too tired to manage the house.

Someone will be along in a minute to say what a privilege it is to look after our elders who have selflessly cared for us…. Well no, not necessarily! Some of our elders really don’t deserve the kind of care and attention they want.

💐

I8toys · 11/01/2026 16:04

Inheritance isn't guaranteed - she may need care. Let her spend the inheritance now move her into assisted living or get home assistance organised. Go live your life. The blackmail would make me move faster.

WhatNoRaisins · 11/01/2026 16:04

There's something that people quote a lot when it comes to this that goes something like if you have to choose between feeling guilty and feeling resentful then choose guilty. I'd make the move, think about your DD, stay healthy for her sake at least.

SockFluffInTheBath · 11/01/2026 16:00

I hear you OP, many of us on here do. The constant viruses are, as you know, a sign your body is overloaded.

It’s easy for an online stranger to say, but in your shoes I would pack up and ship out. It’s hard enough to pause your life for a lovely relative, let alone for someone like your mum. I have refused to engage with my ageing mum- short version is she’s not nice and I don’t want to. It’s your choice to move, it’s her choice to stay- why does she get to be the one to make your choices, you’re not a dependent child. If she is dependent on you then she has to fall in, if she’s not dependent then what’s the issue? As for hooning up and down the motorway- just no. If she chooses not to move then she needs to find new support systems. She could live another 10 years OP. How much more are you prepared to miss out on?

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