Feel like I'm going to have to wait for mum to die so I can live

I've done this too.

Mum died 2022. Cared for Dad from afar until falls and confusions started. Dementia diagnosed. Further progression chose to live with us and we would take him home to stay to do things he enjoyed. Within those 18 months he spent over 2 in hospital for various infections, and had continued falls and a progression in his dementia and moving to 24/7 care and me going nowhere. Hes now in a home. But I am PA - I have to clear out his house and sell it and visit. So I'm still tied in many ways.

This too will pass (if I don't fall off my perch first).

OP, I'm pretty sure I remember your threads from when your father was unwell, it is the mention of the "fancy man" (a former carer?) which reminded me.

As others have said, you have no guarantee of any inheritance at all. If your mother ends up in a care home that will massively reduce anything you may receive and you have no guarantee otherwise that she won't change (or hasn't already?) changed her will again to benefit the fancy man. I am sure you are not, but don't let her hold that over you. Ultimately, that may not even be within her control.

🎯

Go and live your life. Your mother has support and resources. You can't be all things to everyone whilst neglecting yourself. Put yourself first, no one else is going to.

I have no doubt that all of those difficulties your mum has experienced are true and have been really hard. And of course they are nice bits about her or you wouldn't be so torn, you'd say fuck that. But those issues are not yours to salve or solve. You can't fix it for her, you can only fix it for yourself. She isn't silly, she will see your situation and know how much the potential of that inheritance will change things for you. That's not a very nice or loving thing to do. You've been trained to meet her needs from when you were tiny. Of course it feels impossible.

Move OP. It's the only way you can save yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's not a horrible thing to do. You deserve health and happiness.

The extra information you have shared is really helpful. You can’t afford to live where you live now. It’s that simple. Sorry Mum. I can’t afford my bills at this house, so we are going to move.

Life is short, OP. Just move. Your mum is an adult; she can choose to move or stay where she is. No, you won't need to be driving up and down the motoryway all the time to attend to her pretend ailments. Set limits. Just because the phone rings, doesn't mean you have to answer it. Decide the level of contact/responsibility you're happy with and stick to it. (And don't allow a potential inheritance to be held over your head like a weapon. I know that is much easier said than done, but your mum could decide at any time to cut you out of her will or spend all her money. It's very sensible to be thinking about how you can be financially secure without that.)

Look she has had 86 years of life, its time to live ro your own life, youve given her the option to move with you she doesn’t want to so thats on her own head.
chances are she will need a care home and there will be no inheritance anyway. MOVE op, go. Stop living your life in your mums shadow she could still be here for another 15 years!

OP why on earth would you take a promotion that means a lot more work but no more money? and why on earth would you pander to this awful woman who calls herself your mother? Why would you feel you had to wait for her to die before you could live your life? She sounds like a complete narcissist.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to OP, you don't have to make all these mad choices, you're an adult now and can do what suits you. Start putting yourself first, do what you want and let your mum sort herself out - she can use that inheritance she hangs over you to pay for help. No way would I be living my life like this.

I think you have an excellent opportunity for an out here op. If she starts getting nasty and trying to blackmail you, walk out immediately and tell her to stuff her money and to get stuffed herself. Walk away, don't look back and be free.
I think your mum is from a generation that thought children are there to serve and that care goes up the generations more than down. In more recent years this expectation has flipped I think and care flows down the generations. I certainly wouldn't expect or want my kids caring for me when I'm old.

This. She’s trying to blackmail her own daughter! Fuck off, just fuck off and fuck off some more. Live your life op. You’re not getting any younger yourself (I’m similar age), you are entitled to enjoy your life. She could live For Years.

Exactly this.

Just forget about her.

Please start looking after yourself and forget about your mum and your inheritance.

I did the same and it is wonderful.

Same position here with DH. Hospital gave him six months to live more than two years ago. He won't move either. A friend has a 99 year old mother and she want to move too. So every sympathy.

No useful advice OP but I am nicking what @PrizedPickledPopcorn has said about saying how busy and stressed I am when I am there. I am actually going back to work - stopped due to contract ending last August - because whilst we could afford it financially I actually like working and being in the company of a mixed age range rather than taking on more and more arduous duties for declining DPs, and mine aren’t even that bad.

Please try and do what you need to do for you. Try and write off the inheritance in your mind, so if you get anything it will be a bonus. I also feel I won’t be living my own life again until my DPs are dead. It’s not a great mental load to carry round, my DPs in their right minds would be horrified by the burden they have put on me - and DH who stepped in because I wasn’t coping. Go and live your life.

Tell her to shove her inheritance where the sun don't shine, and go live your life. When she tries to manipulate you, call her out on it. Every, single, time! I have had to do this with my 94yr old gran. Since my dad became very unwell (far more frail and unwell than she is) she moved onto trying to control me. The result is now, I visit occasionally and will order her things from Amazon etc. Otherwise the responsibility for everything else lies with SW. I have told them I am simply unable to provide any caring role for her and moreover, due to her behaviour I don't want to.

Was it hard? Yip? Do I feel guilty? No. She has done this to herself from years and years of manipulating, emotional blackmail and emotional abuse all so everyone would run after her.

Stay strong and look after yourself.

@Paperwhite209 what did your mother do for her mother? Mine wasn’t particularly good with hers! So I find it extra irritating when she’s on at me to do something she certainly didn’t do for hers!

Never ever give into emotional blackmail about inheritance. People can leave their money to anyone and personally I will help anyone that I care for but if blackmail is involved I would rather walk away and get nothing as it says a lot about them.

Equally I have looked after relatives 200 miles away for years and yes it’s hard but do able.

Remember you need to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. If the move is best for you do that and the figure out how to help your DM as best you can.

@Dibble135 when the time comes, that’s definitely what we’ll do. But we feel a bit stuck and indecisive. It isn’t only our elderly parents, but their needs sort of eat into our own brain space and make it hard to make any decisions! We live with 25% of our attention on one or other elderly parent. As soon as we sort one out, the other has a wobble. This year we’ve had 1 ‘I’ve got cancer’ (she didn’t), another with a minor cancer (no further treatment necessary), major home refurbishment drama, lost abroad, lost locally, falls, lost purse, lost teeth/hearing aid/gloves/keys/car keys/£300 cash. Tears and rages. Plus lots of visiting and hosting and ferrying place to place. One jealous of the other.
It’s relentless.

So yes. It’s hard. But it’s hard at a distance and when you are physically present.

Another sending solidarity @Paperwhite209 I’m in similar limbo although DF has advanced dementia and is now in a care home but there’s no way I can proceed with planned move and downsize until he’s gone. I can’t leave him on his own and I’m the only one of four siblings who’s stepped up.

BUT your DM is a bit different to my DF - she’s independent, sociable and rather manipulative if you don’t mind me saying. In that situation, you would be absolutely within your rights to forge ahead. You can’t pour from an empty jug. I really hope you feel able to prioritise yourself and your health x

My thoughts- she’s had her life this is your turn.

Would she have done (ie severely compromised her own life) for her own mother the way you are being asked to do?