Feel like I'm going to have to wait for mum to die so I can live

OP, just move. Don't discuss it with your mother, just do it.
And, until then, cut down on the visits and phone calls.
It's not your job to look after her, and your own needs must come first.

@Paperwhite209 you really should move

My situation is that my mother is very lovely, but I simply cannot cope with how long it's going on

I've just been over there today, she's round the corner, for what was potentially an emergency with health. It's difficult to cope with for a lovely person who I do love. What it must be like if somebody isn't very nice I cannot imagine.

I think you should just move. It's very hard to face up to it, but they could live a lot longer. It's awful to think about. I'm going to be 50 this year and I was expecting to be out of the woods absolutely years ago. But no.

In fact, I've watched her go through the stage of wanting to die and now she doesn't. Which is good because obviously nobody wants their mum feeling like they want to die. But I was completely unprepared for her to live so long - to be honest, the same was true of my dad and he died seven years ago.

I try not to think about it. I see her a lot. But when I'm not there, I just try really hard not to think about it. I used to post on the elderly Parents board but I don't anymore because it's better not to focus on it when you don't have to.

I actually just was scanning here thinking "do I need to rant about yet another emergency which I thought could be the final phone call and isn't". So I'm replying to your post instead! Hope you don't mind me sharing what happened today.

I really sympathise, I don't particularly want a long life but while things are better than they were a couple of years ago - I had a nervous breakdown - I genuinely think she may outlive me and that seems terribly unfair.

A’s mother just wanted company and attention too.

My friend A was in your situation but made the wrong choice, having succumbed to emotional blackmail. She forfeited her independence, agency, home, career, physical health, quality of life.
She died just after her mother who had lived 29 years longer than her.
A would tell you to run and don’t look back. Feel no guilt, just as your mother doesn’t.

I am pleased your Mum has the AA and can pay for carers/taxis etc. I do hope you move and find time for you. I am just about to estrange my 88 year old aunt because she doesn’t appreciate me at all. I live 350 miles away, and out of a feeling of duty to my late Mum, I’ve spent 26 years trying to tolerate her selfish behaviour. I go to see her by coach every May, we arrive late on the Friday. I was taking her and her neighbour for her birthday lunch on the Sunday. I phoned her to ask if she’d like to go for dinner with me on the Saturday and she said ‘isn’t it included in your coach trip price’. I sat with all the other coachees in that hotel that night with my aunt five minutes up the road. Never again. On the Sunday we met for the lunch at the restaurant, and I’d organised a birthday cake. When the waiter bought it out my aunt turned to her neighbour and said ‘oh thank you’ - awkward for the neighbour. Not spending any more time with her, she doesn’t appreciate me at all.

No-one who has worked in a similar role would think that’s pathetic.I used to be a secondary school teacher and clearly remember the feeling of limping on to each ‘holiday’ and then frantically trying to catch up in life in that time. Look after yourself OP, start putting yourself first.

Different circumstances, exactly the same here.

Just go, your mums being wicked to you & WW2 was 86 years ago, whatever issues she has aren’t going to resolve now.

I love my dad and have a good relationship with him but I was ruthless and moved abroad

i have felt guilt but also quiet determination to live my own life and do for him what I can but there are limits

i moved him into sheltered accommodation, arranged social worker etc

it is amazing how much you can do remotely these days

Don’t be beholden to your mum, and the way she tries to wield power over you with the inheritance threat is actually very useful: write this inheritance off, you may never see it and it may go to care costs anyway

you are tired so making decisions is harder, but right now you need to look after yourself first. It sounds like you are running yourself into the ground 😢

Do what is good for you, and the. For your mum around that. No need to run down the motorway for every crisis either.

ironically my dad got a lot more care from the council as his daughter (me) lives abroad so cannot be part of the care plan …

Are you related to me, OP? This sounds like a familiar situation that has played out in my family. I've seen the family pressure and guilt trap relatives into staying in the village where they were born, grew up, worked, raised a family and are still there now, despite it being consumed by the dubious town that has swallowed up the buffer villages in between. I have already told my mother that's what is happening to her, and that I don't think that she will ever leave because she is too enmeshed with the place and the family, despite the fact that she wants to get out.

I shocked my family by leaving the village. It was made out to me like our family couldn't exist on the outside, and that I'd soon come running back with my tail between my legs. However... my mental health is SO much better, and the distance leaves less room for family pressure. If you can halve your mortgage, be debt free, be able to work a normal job and still have the time and energy for hobbies and a social life, it will be much better for your mental health. Just be warned that moving is stressful in the short-term, but it is worth it in the end if you're in an area and a mental place that you are happier with. Plus, if you've upped and left already, that's one less thing for her to guilt trip you about, especially if you stay there and tell her that you're not moving back (something I did. It took several attempts, and over a year, but it is now an accepted fact). The guilt trips are thick and fast at first, but do peter out as time goes on. You don't need to discuss that you are moving with your mother until the time comes for you to sell your house. Unfortunately, due to work, you will not always be available, either by phone or in your ability to drive to her house. Does she have neighbours that might be able to help? Either way, a helpful list of phone numbers for your mother's GP, a cleaning company, a company for carers, etc. should be left somewhere.

Your mother could live for years... and so could you, but do you really still want to be stuck there for the next 10-15 years, possibly in a house that will be worth less than you paid for it if your town is changing (depending on circumstances)? Do you want to be that elderly person sitting in a chair and thinking, I wish I'd done X, Y and Z when I had the chance? YOU are important, and should not be guilt-tripped and manipulated into being your mother's doormat. I know that it's hard, but your situation is stressful, it's already making your life miserable, and the stress of it it will end up killing you/eating you up if you're not careful.

You get one life, OP. Live it on your terms, and whatever you do, don't turn into your mother and inflict this situation on your DD when you're 86!

@EleventyThree I would like to thank you for this advice. Very simple in its way but it really resonated with me and I plan to actually write it out and read it through a few times. Already it has helped clear something in my own mind so thank you 🙂

Im in a similar situation. Mine is nearly 89 but I am moving this year. I have spent long enough being miserable living in the wrong place. I don't get on with her and she has been quite vile to me at times leading to lengthy periods of estrangement. I have never been a priority in her life. Move, be happy. Life is too short to martyr yourself for other people.

You have 1 and a half jobs and are doing an OU degree. No wonder you are overwhelmed.

Your mum's needs are only going to increase I think op. Add into that regularly driving 400 miles to visit/support and you're going to snap.

The joy of OU is you can pause it at any time and pick up later. Can you take a step back at work (especially if you're not getting paid any more for the additional responsibility)? Would your job be transferable or is that something you will need to sort too?

That said, you are not responsible for your mum's care, support and MH. I couldn't manage living 2 miles away from mine before she died, and she wasn't even significantly 'poorly'.

Has your Mum got Attendance Allowance?My 88 year old aunt gets around £100 per week. She has a ‘personal assistant’ once a fortnight who cleans very thoroughly. She lives alone in s ground floor flat and is very lucky to have a fantastic neighbour.

You’re assuming the DD does as she is told and bows to the emotional blackmail sufficiently to not be disinherited herself.

OP honestly anyone using inheritance for control deserves to be abandoned. I’d push mine in the canal if she started that crap with me. Either leave it or don’t, but don’t use it as a lever to get your own way. People should be there through love not some purchased obligation conditional to later payment.

You absolutely have to put your own health first.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
What was your DM doing when she was your age, living her best life I bet?

Just go OP . You are exhausted and you don’t want another 10yrs going by to be in the same situation. I’m not there yet but I will not be a carer for my mum who I have had a fractured relationship with my whole life . I’ve just retired and now it’s my time to travel and concentrate on me after a lifetime of working . No amount of emotional blackmail will prevent me living my life as I want .

If you move and change and your mum changes her will to leave everything to your daughter would your dd take all the money?

Does she know what's going on? Would she not split the inheritance with you?

What made her change her will from the lump to your dd?

You should move OP and if your DM doesn't go with you it doesn't mean she can't later on. You are an independent woman who is unwell and has a way to make things better, no brainer really.