Feel like I'm going to have to wait for mum to die so I can live

💐 please look after yourself, it’s not selfish to want to move and live your own life. We moved county , but yo my home city after my mum, she died at 89 last year and we will probably move again elsewhere. The move back to look after her was probably the most stressful event in my life , downsizing from our beautiful home back to the tiny flat she was in was incredibly difficult, but did it to help her. She had no appreciation of the stress we were feeling, but that wasn’t unusual.
Look after yourself

@Salome61 oh no, I feel your pain. Whoever inherits will be grateful that the lease was extended. But I appreciate if that's not you, then it's no comfort at all. Lease extension is such a pain.

One thing about having other people around to help, if it's an actual medical emergency, they're not likely to help I think. My mum has friends who will help with the small stuff, but understandably no one will help with the big stuff.

This is part of the reason I haven't been abroad for years. It's just sod's law that I will get myself to Arizona or whatever, pay the fortune that entails - and then if she was hospitalised again, I would be faced with the choice of either returning or trying to enjoy myself while she's in the hospital. Which just isn't going to happen.

I'm not too bothered about the abroad thing, but it is getting a bit out of hand - I could've gone to Florida or something this winter. Again, if someone could say to me that she would live another 10 years, then I would think it's better to go away. When you are constantly on red alert for a potential death you can't really do anything. This red alert has lasted on and off for years. (quite dramatic heart issues).

It's amazing how many times she's nearly died over the years. I'm deeply impressed with her fortitude. But if she was strong enough to be healthy on a daily basis, it would be really helpful.

Obviously, none of this is her fault! but it's very hard not to be resentful.

@Paperwhite209 I think particularly as your mum is well and capable of doing so much stuff for herself, you should get out while the going is good!

I am glad your Mum has so much support. My aunt was poorly as a child and missed a lot of school and apparently my late Mum, her older sister, 'bossed her about' and she 'doesn't like being told what to do'. She is only four foot two and unfortunately does act like a child.

I went to hell and back last year because she rang in April and said 'I want to go into assisted living'. I had been trying to find out how many years she had on her lease - and I had to send off for a copy in the end. It was finally found on top of her wardrobe before the copy came, she had 74 years. This falls into the 'marriage value' area where any profit made through extending the lease has to be shared with the freeholder 50/50. Her lovely neighbour, the freeholder, agreed to extend the lease and I agreed to fund her solicitor's fees. After an awful amount of my aunt saying 'I'm in between a rock and a hard place' the lease extension was finally agreed at £9K - the neighbour then told her solicitor she wanted £10K. When the money came through she told my aunt 'just in time, I've had to borrow from my Mum'? This neighbour is in my aunt's will and my aunt thinks she is the 'nicest person I've ever met'. I share LPOA with her.

When the lease finally came through, my aunt said 'I've changed my mind. I will be taken out of here in a box'.

I do wish I'd cut my aunt off sooner, going through this with her was hell on earth. God knows what her will says. I'll just be glad not to feel resentful, I choose guilt :)

Also, the main reason we didn’t move a few years ago was because FiL was getting older, more need and frankly cantankerous and demanding. No siblings to help.
DH doesn’t want to move now as feels the upheaval is too much plus our house got neglected and needs a couple of major works doing. My DC don’t want me to move as they think they want to look after me in my old age. I don’t want that for them but maybe I will get cantankerous and demanding.
Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Please put your needs and wants in the foreground.
Can you get some care in place now to gradually build up and allow you to have a life?

Solidarity OP, I can understand the fear of being trapped. I’m not in your situation yet, but I can see it coming down the line, and it worries me.

Like you, I helped to care for my father during Covid as he had advanced dementia - even moved back in with them to help out day to day as my morher couldn’t cope.
He died in 2024 and my mum is now 81 and getting increasingly needy.

I now live nearby, and have the same fears as you - what are the next 5 it 10 (or 15!) years going to look like… so far she is in decent enough health, but there have been a few falls and illnesses and she is a bit frailer. But still very stubborn and demanding at times, and very negative.

Sadly my sibling is not available for various reasons so I feel like the expectation to help always falls on me. Partly it’s just company as she is bored and lonely, but I find her difficult to deal with. I do love her, but find the expectations suffocating.

Like you I dream of moving away from my expensive city to somewhere cheaper, but the guilt makes it difficult. My mum would not leave the big family home, despite the fact that is getting harder for her to manage.

I cannot care for my mum like I did for dad - she is a different personality to him, much more difficult. I also don’t want to go through that again, it nearly broke me the first time.

I’ve told her that when the time comes she will need to get carers in, but despite agreeing to this in theory, she is notoriously tight with money for other things, despite having 10’s of thousands in savings so I’m not sure what will happen. She like to play the poor pensioner role, despite having far more money than she’s ever had (and far more than I have).

I’m 41 and renting, and don’t have children so in theory I could just up and leave. I don’t want to wake up in 10 or more years feeling like I’ve put my life on hold for her.

As others have said, it always seems to go on much longer than you think.

Sorry for the long waffle!

Nails it. Lots of support here but this was spot on.
You dm could pass soon or live 10 years.
I would move, put support in place for her and put yourself first.
You are overloaded so if you could pause your studies that might help.
Try and carve out some time for self care, whether that be a facial/massage/home pamper session/sound bath etc.
Online hypnotherapy for relaxation/self-esteem/assertiveness could help you. A hypno session always makes me feel very rested.
Ultimately you have this one life. Live it for you. It seems you are being bullied and manipulated. That isn’t fair.

Any "good" mother would want this for her child. Your mother is putting her own wants above your needs. She is not a good mother. You don't have to bow to her wants

Move, please move. Tell your mother as little as possible about it and only when you have to.

Were you under another name on the cockroach thread , your story sounds very familiar ? If it is you , you've had this desire to move for a long while now but your mum has always had a hold over you .
Please think about yourself , it's time now especially as it is having a big impact on your life .
I also wonder if you are a little scared of taking that decision to do it ?
I get that , it is scary at the beginning , but I did it and I'm very risk avoidance but my life is better for taking that jump . Do it .

Live your life and focus on your health and resits the guilt trip. A move will also help you sort out your financial situation.

Your mother can get help from carers in her owm home (that's what my neighbour does and she is 95) or if she can no longer live independently look at care homes.

She has had 86 years of life making her own choices and you also need to be able to live yours.

Never sacrifice your life for a potential inheritance. Also your mother will need to use this money for her care.

I agree with everyone else, you need to prioritise yourself and your health, both physical and mental. Think of your DD, she needs her Mum.

Make the move, do it quietly until it comes time to tell her you are going. She knows this is your plan so it isn't like you are springing it on her. She will of course call you out on it but you can just say well you weren't supportive so why would I talk to you about it?

I moved 3 hours away from my parents and my Mum said I will miss you terribly, no guilt, no emotional blackmail. My siblings remained close by. We eventually moved back within 40 miles of my home town. That is what a supportive Mother would do, support you in your life.

North Yorkshire is beautiful, visualise yourself there, start putting everything into place for the move and get support from any friends you have nearby.

Are you actually going to be less stressed by moving away ? Could it just be that you spend a good chunk of the next 5 / 10 years running up and down the motorway to
sort out your mum? How about trying to improve your QoL within the current location .

I do agree that you should try to put yourself first , ai just wonder whether being in Yorkshire is the right way to do it .

I know that guilt can be corrosive, so, I’m not saying this lightly.
But, you’re young, and these are the best years of your lives, especially when your outgoings will be much lower.
It’s not right that you have to sacrifice your own life to keep your mum happy.

I hope you’re ok, @Paperwhite209, I’m sure this is a very difficult burden for you.

She has 2 friends and a fancy man. She’s not alone. Live your life and start learning how not to be manipulated.

Be careful pushing yourself so much. Your body is giving you warning signs.

@DemonsandMosquitoesi’m so sorry to hear that. That’s just so tragic.

My mum had similar with my GM. My GM died at 89 and then my mum was killed six months later in a car accident in her 60’s.
The wants of someone at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs. Quite the reverse.
Tomorrow is not promised. Go live you life.

I think that’s the best plan. We are putting our house in the market without telling her. We’ll wait until we have sold to break it to her. She has lots of friends and aren’t close anyway.

Make the move.
Suit yourself but just don't advertise what you are doing to your elderly mother. It is the anxiety of change that is worrying her.
Move and keep working remotely. And buy a small campervan.
Sometimes you could be down near your mother and helping her out and mostly you could be at your new place.

My elderly parents always understand when I say I'm helping out my children and grand children so your mother might too. Make the move but explain it like it is not all about you.

@Paperwhite209 yeah I hear you

I feel as if I spent the whole of my 40s looking after elderly parents. I'm slightly in denial about turning 50, I think partly because I did not realise my life would be on hold for so long. While strictly speaking it was from age 42. It does feel very unfair. But then I see people posting who are in their 60s and looking after elderly parents and I think well that situation wouldn't be great either!

you've obviously really thought about the move and quality of life. My mum is 87 and she is in better health over the last couple of years. You really don't know what's going to happen. So I think you've got to move and just assume that she's got a lot more life ahead of her.

And it's time for you to go and live yours.

I partly moved to be near my mum, but also I wanted to leave London - I'm really happy in the area now and I avoid going to London as much as I can. So the move worked out - and it just so happens that where you want to live, it's not near your mum - so other arrangements have to be made. Your life can't keep being on hold.

You have a dream and a plan. Now is the time for fulfilment.
Relish the excitement. Wake up each morning thrilled with the prospect of your future.
Banish the dread. No one knows how long these situations can last but you can take control, unlike A who was trapped.
Move to North Yorkshire. Live your life to the full.

It’s a no brainer, Paperwhite.

@Paperwhite209 honestly lovely, you have got to do this move. For your finances, your health, everything. You'll be a shell when she's gone otherwise.

My DGM is mid 90s. Refused to move near DF and SM, refused to move near us because my DM lives nearby who she hates. She's a 3hr drive away from me, 2hrs from DF. The consequences are, none of us can care for her. She stayed where she wanted to be - fine, so that meant a cleaner, gardener and now daily care visits from paid carers. I visit 1-2 times a month, although in a recent crisis that was more frequent before we got her into rehab care and then had homecare in. She fought every step, and I've had pressure to move closer, even spend every other week staying with her away from my own family, but we had to stay strong and say no. DF was poorly, which actually helped because he wasn't pressuring me to give in and I was at all the meetings and I just kept repeating, ad nauseum, "no, that doesn't work for us", "no, we can't do that". She had no choice in the end, and she's managing fairly well now at home with the support. We do distance stuff like online shopping, ordering prescriptions, I tend to liaise mostly with social care when rockets need putting up backsides, as I work in healthcare myself and they can't fob me off, and don't they know it now after the last few months!

It can work. Your mum may not like it, but it's workable. She has choices. She has money, she can spend it on the support and help she needs. Don't spend your life working, scrimping and skivvying. This precious life is far too short.