Feel like I'm going to have to wait for mum to die so I can live

Presume that's your daughter and not your mum :) That's lovely and lots of opportunities in that part of the world these days, not just in London.

2026 - new year, make it happen !

My sister and I looked after my mother for 8 months,taking it in turns to stay over

Don’t regret it for a minute,but it was our choice,no way would Mum have put us under pressure
Be true to yourself and do what you want to do ,and put all thoughts of inheritance out of your mind

Hard blondie as you say. My mam is like another child to mind. Its hard. Op you can only do what you can.

Gah, such a difficult situation! I think unless you've had an elderly and frail parent, it's hard to understand how draining it is. I'm honestly not sure what I'd do in your circs Op. It's so easy to say "just go", but the reality is something different. I moved away from my home town when my parents were in their 40's and healthy, so it was easy.

Our Mum died suddenly a few years ago, and it was instantly apparent that she did everything, and my Dad didn't know how anything worked. She did all the bills, banking, on line shopping, all the life admin. All of a sudden, me and my sibling were responsible for a man sized toddler.

Dad didn't want to stay in the family home, so we moved him to a retirement village. He did nothing to help with that move, other than get in the car! He thrived for a bit there, with me and my sibling spinning all the plates behind the scenes, but he is now (once again) in the grasps of alcoholism, and getting drunk every day, often soiling himself or falling out of his wheelchair. He's 84 and has been an alcoholic since the mid 1980's. I've no idea how his body keeps going!

He's back in hospital now, with more infections and heart failure, all exacerbated by the daily drinking. He took a bottle of wine in the ambulance! My sister swore that she wouldn't go to the hospital if he went in due to drinking, but in reality she is having to go, because we can't get any updates on the phone from the ward, as the nurses English is so broken. The hospital often give him antibiotics that he is resistant to, despite there being copious notes about this on his file. My sister has to check everything.

I don't live locally, so my input is limited to things that can be done from a distance. It's still exhausting.

On a side note Op, do you think your DD will visit you in Harrogate? She may gravitate back ti where you live now, as that's where her friends will be. Just a thought.

@Paperwhite209 Move. Do it, and don't look back.
Guilt and manipulation will land you into a life that is no longer your own if you let it.

Do move away and make a new life for yourself.

It is not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her that way. Her own family did that.

Stop listening to your doomsayer toxic mother; she is not the boss of you and you do not need her approval, not that she would give this to you anyway. And you are right in thinking she cannot be trusted. Be tired of being the last person who matters here. Your mother only cares about getting you to meet her never ending needs.

When I think of my future up there I feel so excited. When I think of staying here I feel like just giving up and crying.

Do it. Life is too short and your mother has the funds to support herself. The I cannot afford to remain here is pretty straightforward. You have 15 years before you retire, you must get your finances and health in order.

If you have covid and are physically on the floor I trust you have called in sick and are not trying to work from home ? Suggest you get signed off for a couple of weeks.

At work, stop trying to do everything especially as there's no reward for it. If the school doesn't have the funds to employ enough people then some stuff stops, gets done less regularly, done by someone else or doesn't get done at all. You presumably have a manager - make it their problem and be very clear in writing that the current workload is making you ill and causing significant stress. Write down everything you are doing and ask for it to be prioritised.

Start looking for work so you can move over the summer and start a new job in September [assuming your best chance is another school]

Tell your daughter now so she can start to plan for change herself.

Well I'd start by pointing out to her that if she cuts you out of her will, as she has already started to do, it is even more expedient for you to make decisions for your own future based on being financially independent, and that means moving to a much cheaper area.

As to work, why on earth take more responsibility for no more pay? Why did you not negotiate for a raise? Can you contact a union and request they investigate this and ask for a reason rise, backdated to the time when you took on the extra responsibility? Certainly, at very least, ask for a payrise now and if you are knocked back, simply push back firmly on any work that is too challenging or over-extends your hours and say the department needs an extra person or to scale back its expectation on what targets can be met by the current workforce. There is no kudos at all in making yourself ill for work. Please ensure you take all paid holiday and TOIL if that is an option. if not, work to rule. Why should you feel guilty if they don't?

Realistically, few people get what they want in life by ensuring that everyone else is pleased and everyone else's needs are met 100%. People who live as they please have learned to brush off the bitter criticisms and guilt-inducing comments of others. That's the price of freedom and happiness. It doesn;t mean you have to become a selfish cow. Just decide what you want and make it happen. Be pleasant and kind to others but stop putting them before yourself.

You do not need anyone's permission to move !

I am team move !
Downsize help yourself & your daughter
Only YOU can make the changes

However, as someone who has moved several times.
Although, you can look at property on the Internet, it is always preferable to view the area & the property in person.
Beware, there are scammers on the Internet, offering property that does not exist !
Recommend contacting estate agents in the area that you wish to move to & they can send you info about real properties.
Suggest go for a long weekend or a short holiday & look around.

Will you need a new job too ?

You will of course be miles from your DM, but it sounds like she has a partner, some friends & neighbours to help her.

BTW
My forever dream has always been to travel the world.
I used to spend hours driving on motorways to visit on my days off work.
However, I moved closer to elderly relative to be their carer as they had little support.
I now work very PT (carer pay restrictions)

Hopefully my dream will still occur in the future !

I hope it's not going to the "fancy man!"

Fuck that for a game of soldiers I realise that my father was using the carrot of inheritance as a stick to yield to encourage a continued relationship because he knows if his wife dies he will be completely alone in the world
I know it in my heart he will leave the money to the cats home no matter what I do so unfortunately you have got to protect yourself and then any inheritance that you receive is nothing but a bonus

Because yoy are a kind and dutiful person you have done your very best for your mother. You should be proud of yourself for your humanity. But now you are being exploited and you need to move fast, before she has, or fakes, a serious illness.
The way she is treating you amounts to abuse. You are being headworked into believing that you aren't capable of change, that you are pretty useless. This is being made easier for her by your health difficulties.
I hope you can escape from this and have a good life in the future.

Agree with others OP. You have to make your move because it’s what you want and you are massively overdue a break from your current lifestyle. Remember your mum can still move to be nearer you any time she wants. I have a difficult elderly mum who is manipulative and needy, and refuses to move. OK then things will just pan out as they pan out, and if she’s able to make her own decisions then so be it. You also can’t do anything for her anyway if you’re so stressed, unhappy and overworked that it makes you ill. And I’d tell her that if need be - if she wants you to be available to her at all, then you need to look after your wellbeing.

This is your one, little, life. You have done your best for your mum. Time to put yourself first and make the move ASAP. Smile and do as you like. She will be fine. Keep posting with your progress. 💐

Also how can she stop you? Make you a ward of court and stop you selling up? Have you sectioned? It makes no sense she thinks she can stop you 🤣

One of my relatives spent over 25y saying to their parents when the kids move out were going to this area because their spouse is from that area and the grief they got when they put their house on the market was non-stop, they roped the grandkids in and sowed the seeds of doubt making them worry their very sensible parents were about to make a “terrible mistake, they’ll regret it” but 3 years on they have a fab life in the new area & spends their days doing what they want to do.

They wouldn’t come back if you paid them.

Go. Just go. Stop listening to your mother.

Possibly she felt like she pushed you too far with her behaviour and is now set on reeling you back in?

This is what causes the confusion and the self doubt. Once the 'tantrum' is over they revert to being nice so you feel relief and give them the benefit of the doubt. Until next time and so the pattern continues...

💐 💐 💐 for all of you in this situation